Thanks be to God for the solstice 🌞 happy dance! 💃 woohoo, longer days! Any little thing to bring hope right now is so welcome. And Christmas 🎄 surprisingly enough I have been able to at least maintain some sense of the spiritual and meaningful despite the craziness of this year. One of you mentioned that and I was like Yup! 👍
That one post I made awhile back when after I reread it I realized I'd used the word Enough three times or so in quick succession, and y'all picked up on it and I'm glad it gave some inspiration. I put it in my "winter journal" that I do every year, just a few pages that anchor me against seasonal depression.
One time in a dieting context I'd heard this phrase: Enough is as good as a feast. Actually it's usually better, healthier, less overwhelming. As we who battle clutter well know! 😉
Thanks a million gazillion for the affirmations regarding my need to trust that this is a safe place and let go of any shame. My mind really knew that all along but the heart is slower to catch up. But I feel I'm turning a corner.
My friend who died, she struggled with clutter too. She had trauma from her brief marriage to an abusive man, she was a busy single mom, had health and mobility issues later on, and was like many of us longing for the time when she could've gotten ahead of life's relentless pace long enough to put things in better order and be able to relax and enjoy.
Maybe I will honor her by being more steady, more determined, more committed to getting on top of my own clutter problem. She would be cheering me on from Heaven, where she won't be shackled by all the things that held her down in this earthly existence. *my eyes are leaking* 😢 *but it's okay, they're the bittersweet type of tears*
I want to say more to each of you, about Road's son and Lila's boxes and SubC's family and Tatoulia and the painting of the kitty and just so many things. And for Covid and the worries about it to get the heck out of all our lives. Know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers. 💞 One way or another, we will get through all of this.
Subclinical
Posted: 21 December 2021 - 06:10 AM
Good morning!
Happy solstice! May the coming of the new year bring light and joy into your lives!
I am going to a party tonight to celebrate. It will be held in what is basically a big warehouse with people who skew older, liberal, vaccinated and boosted. I think masks are required, but there will be food and beverages including alcohol. (I will not be drinking alcohol) wish me luck. And the courage to not change my mind.
Tatoulia, you have to do what you need to do to feel safe. I'm glad you are feeling better.
CM, I would love to see you posting more again - any time you feel like it, even if you just pop in with a sentence or two! You don't ever need to be embarrassed here! I hope you get your nest in order. ;)
Road, all progress is good! I hope you and your brother are able to strengthen and encourage each other and even improve your relationship through this project!
Lila, enjoy your solitude! It is underrated.
Dh told me his family was sad that I didn't come. I said "I find that hard to believe" he said, "no, people spoke to me one on one and said they were sorry you couldn't make it." "I said "that is not the same thing." He seems to be under the impression that his family likes me - which I find odd, because I argue with his brother, have nothing in common with the other women, barely interact with his brother in law, and am possibly thought of by his grown/teen nieces and nephews as "the weird aunt who slipped us extra desserts when we were little". (Only one of them still talks to me. - not like "I'm never speaking to her again" just like "things to do, nothing to say.")
I somehow blocked out the reality that we are hosting the annual "Family" Christmas party with our closest friends this year. If all the kids and grandkids make it, I will have 21 people and two large dogs in my house Dec 27. (That is actually two families that started 25 years ago as two couples and 7 children under the age of 8 - we missed one year for covid.) I have to clean the scullery and the dining porch!
Ack.
Tatoulia
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 09:38 PM
Boy we really are lucky to have such fabulous women in our lives! Thank you all!
CM what a shame to lose your friend. I am so sorry.
I made a decision this AM that I'm not returning to the office until January 10th. I'm too nervous. I spoke with my temporary employee about it and she said we should do whatever I'm comfortable with. She is interviewing for my open position tomorrow. I'll interview her first then she has three other people. Assuming she is hired, then she'll be able to go into the office without me. Our office reopen date has been moved to mid-February, but that's feeling less and less likely.
Cleaners came today. So my bonus is that I get clean sheets tonight. I just got out of the shower. I ran errands with BF tonight including taking the lovely oil painting portrait of his cat to the frame shop. We picked a very ornate frame. It will be ready in about a month but that's his Christmas gift. I could not take it to be framed without him He needed to be a part of the process. I made him leave before I paid. Then I met him at the office and we ran errands.
I am feeling better today. I slept very well last night and I did manage to do some stuff around the house today.
I know there's a lot going on in each of your lives. I care and I am here for you. ROAD you helped your brother! Wow. I used to take care of a mentally and physically ill family member and I used to clean his house on the weekends. I couldn't do more than about two hours since I wouldn't use his bathroom. I no longer have contact with that person. It's been a few years now.
Road
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 07:44 PM
I'm glad you posted and you are missed when you don't. If there's one thing we can all agree with here I'm sure it's that we don't want others to feel shame about anything. I like your idea about a focused approach. Makes a lot of sense to me to work on a happy place area in your home. whatever you do I hope you won't hold back from posting. I appreciate your presence. Hugs to all.
CriticalMass
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 04:58 PM
Thanks, ladies. 💕 I am going to try and post more. The embarrassment and frustration over the house situation made me want to hide for so long. And I still don't like it, of course. But I just have to put it on the back burner of my mind. My roommate and I have coped thus far, and the only thing that we're truly apprehensive about would be winter storms. But so far none pending.
I got to talk with the other Musketeer this morning and learned more details on the way things progressed in our friend's last days and hours. And I'm sure it helped my surviving friend to have a listening ear. The funeral may be Monday.
Feeling mostly calm for now. Pondering things like trying to contact other friends I've been losing touch with in hopes of rekindling connections. Or even seeking out new friends. Covid makes all that more challenging of course.
And I want to do little things to make this crazy life in this crowded house more bearable. I'm starting to declutter the "nest" that always happens when I sit in a certain place regularly. In this case the sofa. Our bunny club people usually want to stop by on Christmas day with cookies and it'd be nice not to feel embarrassed or pressured.
The bunny club caught a break regarding the drama situation, and I don't want to reveal too much but it's going to be resolved soon. I hope the players will be able to just calmly move on and stay or go as they see fit and if they stay I pray for healing and harmony, and in any case for peace and calm.
So I'll just leave things there. Since the home repair troubles are out of my control, I won't mention them again unless there's some actual news to report.
Road
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 01:07 PM
Lila, great job on those boxes! I know it was a process and pretty heavy stuff emotionally but great to see you work through it and get some closure on it. Many projects like this await me I think.
In my family we are all over the map with covid. We have 3 people who just had it despite being vaxxed. elderly parents being extra cautious, some who are really not being that careful and heading down to universal and NOLA for work on planes, etc. the H and son who are heAvily exposed from being in school, and me and my brother who are not working right now. I think since we are NOT all bolstered we will buy some of the rapid tests and have a couple people take those before each gathering. sounds like they're gonna make those cheaper but so far I think they're still about $10 a throw. Wouldn't want to drop that $$ on a regular basis but for next two weeks we will use those so we can see family and not worry as much.
Lila
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 10:56 AM
CM, I am so sorry. That is painful and deep. I lost a close friend this fall also. I understand the overwhelming ache. Praying for you today.
I have to leave in an hour for meetings and after that, errands and christmas shopping. I do have more errands and appointments tomorrow, but they are by myself (car in shop, pet to vet). I hope to see NO ONE but family from this afternoon until Christmas Eve (when I work). Three days of solitude sounds so great to me and I am ONLY answering my phone if it is truly emergent.
Hoping to put together box #2 for my son this morning and mail it today.
Road
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 10:42 AM
My "clearing" related contribution/update is that I went to my brothers for a couple hours yesterday and helped him clean. Didn't go well at first because things got very tense very fast. I thought he wanted help cleaning but he started obsessing on reorganizing one cabinet instead so that kicked things off on a confusing foot... He said he was going to get triggered. Then he said he was almost triggered. And then he was triggered. And then I got triggered because he started treating me like my dad treats my mom. Oh my god the dysfunction was hanging thick. I will spare the details but in the end he accepted my offer to do some cleaning in the other room. Luckily he pulled himself together and got through cleaning the worst of the mess in the kitchen and got all his stuff out back in the cabs. I started working on the dining room. We have been trying to visit more because he lives alone and since he got laid off has very minimal human interaction. But the pet hair, dust and odor in his house is pretty extreme. Ok, it's extreme. He has already cleaned the worst in the bathroom and was in the midst of dealing with the kitchen, so I decided to take on the dining room since that's where my son would sit to eat while we visit. I got the table washed off and some of the antique furniture and accessories dusted. It was a challenge because it was so thick when you would go to wipe it it would just fall like powdered sugar. The paper towels weren't working and the wet wipes seemed to be stripping the finish off the wood and all he had was a table spoon left of lemon oil and Murphy's oil soap. Really I needed a vacuum but I didn't want to interact with him too much. Anyway, between us we made another big dent in it, it's still extreme but it's noticeably better than a few weeks ago, which is great. Progress.
Road
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 10:25 AM
Hi all,
My condolences to you, CM. Sounds like you are managing ok but I really feel for you losing such a close friend who, it sounds like, you really went through a lot together, and have really been there for each other. I hope you're able to team up with your other musketeer to make it to the funeral if only to connect with each other. I'm sure that would help both of you.
Lila, hope your other event went well and you have had a chance to breathe.
Tatoulia, I have no words of wisdom but I appreciated what the others have said. Til those feelings pass, I'll send over some good vibes.
Hugs and prayers and good vibes to all y'all incredible smart, talented, funny, supportive women. This is a very stressful week for most (with nothing especially stressful happening) so as my somatic therapist used to say "feel your butts!" I am tempted to just leave that there with no explanation but I'll just say it's the tag line to a grounding exercise... mid-spin, one can say to oneself: "feel your toes, 12345, 12345" etc. and on up to your seat.
So: take a deep breath and feel your butts, people.
Subclinical
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 04:52 AM
CM, I am very sorry about your friend.
I am also concerned about your handyman both as a person and because you rely on him. Is he involved in the current house situation?
Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the message of Christmas is hope and stay focused on that. You may just have a more spiritual and less secular Holiday this year.
Lila, yes, that makes sense. Those are promises you have to keep. I was concerned that you had friends calling you because they had company coming and their house wasn't clean or they couldn't pick up a cake before the store closed - that sort of thing. But that is a very emotionally draining job. I still think you should screen your calls. You need some down time to recharge or you will just end up burned out and no good to anybody.
Covid - I am in Ohio. We are just ahead of Massachusetts on cases per capita, but since much of our population doesn't believe in vaccines, we have twice the per capita death rate - new record this week. Hospitalizations of children are rising. Dd is boosted and has stopped wearing her mask at work because she feels it was negatively affecting her career. She says we are all going to get omicron anyway. I am not entirely confident that we will return to school January 4, but I don't think my state will have any more lockdowns or mask requirements. Nor will we have vaccine mandates. Our governor did a pretty good job at the beginning, but then people with guns started showing up at the homes of government officials to protest and he wants to be re-elected. And not shot.
Moving on, I get Bean today.
CriticalMass
Posted: 20 December 2021 - 01:05 AM
Again I just need to touch base. Because big heavy things. 😪
My friend died today. The one who almost didn't make it in spring 2019. She was one of my safe people, I could call her to keep myself from a panic attack. Our mutual friend is another safe person and we were the Three Musketeers. ❤ ❤ ❤
The other friend was also her medical power of attorney. So I imagine she is exhausted. This has all unfolded over about three days, with a bleak outlook, then a short time of unexpected hope but it didn't last, and yesterday the crash. I had a rough morning and early afternoon. As in separation anxiety when my roommate went to the ladies' room in a restaurant and I was sitting at the table still. But, I took my medicine and got past that. Even was able to take Christmas stuff to my 98 year old lady and her daughter and visit awhile.
And was calm yesterday evening and this morning through church. I deliberately held off from inquiring about my friend in ICU because I knew the other Musketeer would let me know and I didn't want to be interrupting communications she would be having with the family. I decided to take a nap. I had awakened from it shortly before the text came that the end was near. We texted and prayed for our friend. She passed about half an hour later.
I'm okay. God has given me the grace to deal in the moment, and with it the wisdom to resist looking too far down the road.
It might be that I travel to the funeral, if the other friend and her husband can take me. They are 5 hours away south and east of me, and the town where our friend died is an hour and a half or so north. The husband is a firefighter and paramedic and she is a fellow panic and agoraphobia sufferer so I wouldn't feel apprehensive traveling with them. But we'll see what unfolds. The friend who died was from another town originally which is north of here and not as far, and it's possible they may opt to bury her there.
.....
Other happenings - another friend has grandkids who were exposed to Covid and the little girl had a fever tonight, she and a grade school age brother tested positive. And the other grandma. My friend was with the kids and so is in quarantine and concerned because she is in poor immune health and also germophobic.
My roommate and I thought to text our repair guy just to see how he was, and maybe drive by to see his yearly Christmas display. He replied he is in the hospital. More complications of his condition from the injury, for which he didn't say whether or not he'd been able to have the planned surgery. Poor guy, he is like Job in the Bible.
This promises to be a "memorable" Christmas... I will try to find ways to make it still a good and meaningful time even if an unusual one.
As soon as things are settled and the holiday traffic is over, I have some things I plan to do to improve this situation, such as go to the laundromat which should've happened last week but things got messed up. And if we keep having mild temperatures I may even work in the storage unit. It would take my mind off the big things and be something more tangible to focus on.
Take care... I am pretty far behind now on reading posts, but maybe I can catch up a bit this week.
Lila
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 11:38 PM
Tatoulia, oh no. I'm sorry about covid. I have relatives back east who say it is very bad. It is not bad here yet.
SubC, it is a commitment but volunteer. I have a volunteer leadership position that I made a commitment to - if that makes sense. I do love it. It just has piled up on me recently because I was sick, and now the holidays, so I am feeling tired. I work 5 days a week generally speaking but this week I worked 7 and that was just not a great idea for me. I did take a half day off today and felt SO much better tonight and enjoyed the event, even though I was working. It was fun. I too have moved people out of DV situations; that's part of what I do. Occasionally I take someone to the ER, or to the Crisis place and sit with them if they are suicidal. Or someone has a family member die. Those are the kinds of crisis I mean. Aside from that I have gotten much better at saying no to requests where with a few more calls they could find someone else to do what they're asking of me.
So the plan was, 2 hours of meetings tomorrow morning and then get all my errands run. But there is something I have to go do and that person ended up being another appointment that is going to take about 2 hours of my time after lunch. I am really an introvert but this has to be done so I am going to try and find some fun in it.
Tatoulia
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 08:33 PM
Thanks for the kind words. I'm sure it's not as bad as it feels. I have a list for tomorrow. My cleaners are coming tmr instead of Wednesday. That's fine. I'm happy if they are picking up some extra jobs at the holidays.
I'm getting close to going on lockdown. The covid numbers are not good.
Thank you for helping me.
Subclinical
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 07:38 PM
So Lila, is this a job (volunteer or paid) thing or just a "everybody knows they can call me" thing?
I am a person you can call in an emergency (I once threw my teenaged son into my truck and explained to him as we were driving to another state that we would be moving a person and their belongings out of a domestic violence situation)
But I have a very high bar for what is an emergency vs. what is a learning experience and I am pretty good at not letting people take advantage of me (which means I generally don't give you my time and energy if I am going to regret or resent it.)
Please screen your calls. Or even let them all go to voice mail. If the two minutes it takes to check the voicemail matters, they should have called 911in the first place.you can say you were in the restroom. Or asleep.
I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding and that you got some down time.
I don't know much about dogs, but what you are doing sounds like training.
I am SO proud of you about the box. That is a huge achievement!
Dh got home two hours early, so I didn't clean up or take the compost out. It is fine. I did bake raisin bread, which he was happy to see.
Lila
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 05:15 PM
SubC, you have a good point. I am frequently called in crisis situations, so I tend to answer my phone. Except I did start shutting it off at night about 2 years ago after a few 2am, 3am calls. Now it is off at bedtime and if there is a real crisis they can call 911. But what I can do in addition is screen my calls from now through Jan 3. I commit to looking to see who is calling me, and taking a few seconds to think about whether it could be urgent or now, and feel whether I should answer it. They can also leave me a message and I will check them just in case.
I liked how you explained the Laundry Everywhere thing. It really is like that sometimes. I look and feel like my house is a complete wreck, but after 15 minutes putting things away, it looks remarkably better.
Tatoulia, I hope that is the case for you. I'm sorry you're struggling too. Will you get a break, a day or two 'off' to decompress?
The wedding was wonderful and very nice. I enjoyed it and the food was great. It was A LOT of work and I came home exhausted. But I took those few hours before bed last night to do some self care, rest, nice long bath etc and then today I stayed home from church and just enjoyed a day of resting and relaxing. I still am supposed to do the other event tonight, in about 2 hours. It own't be that much work. The biggest effort for it will be me getting makeup on and getting dressed, which I'd rather not do, but oh well.
I did one thing yesterday though. I took that one box to the post office and mailed it to my son. What a huge weight off me. I had moments thinking about opening the box and taking things out to keep. I am relieved it is gone, and I have already let go of what happens to it. I already imagined how I would feel if he says it was dumb and throws it all out. I am okay. I saved it FOR HIM. I hope he will save it to show his children, but at least I think he will save the photos. I will get the second box put together tomorrow and hopefully mailed as well.
Also I have not had time to do anything with the dog training, but I have been making him sit and wait before meals and before getting let out of his kennel. And making him take treats gently.
I hope to have a very productive week.
Subclinical
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 01:40 PM
Tatoulia, take a breath.
I am sorry you are so run down. You try to do so much for so many people.
I don't believe your house is a pigsty though. For one thing - it was thoroughly cleaned not to long ago! For another, you have pared down so much that there just isn't enough stuff in your house to be that bad. I bet it will come back together much faster than you think.
I will give you an example - I had clean laundry EVERYWHERE! I had dumped some on my bed to sort, and I thought, "ok, before I reply to tatoulia, I will put away 20 things." Well I did - and do you know what was left? A shirt, four socks, and some underwear. The underwear just gets tossed in a drawer. So I finished the whole pile.
Then I thought "I will take this basket down and bring up another one." But there wasn't another one to bring up! There were 5 baskets of laundry, but they were all things that go downstairs. And I thought "how do I have FIVE baskets of sheets and towels for downstairs? And then I dumped them together, and there were only 3. And I think I could have made two - but one basket is already folded.
So my "laundry EVERYWHERE" turned into three baskets after about ten minutes of work.
Here is another thing that I thought of today when I was worrying over all the things I haven't gotten done. Usually when Dh visits his family, I have to go with him. And I have somewhere between a miserable and tolerable visit, with occasional moments that are nice, and I get very tired. And when we get back, the house is just as bad as it was when we left, I owe the farm sitter money, and there is extra laundry.
So, all I have to do to come out ahead is spend less than I would owe the farm sitter on food, water, and electric, wash the dishes I use, take out the compost, and run a little laundry. Plus, I've had a lovely time and I'm well rested!
I'm already ahead on the dishes and laundry, and given what the farm sitter charges, I'd be shocked to run the bills that much higher. So really, the only thing I have to do today is take out the compost. Sometime in the next six hours.
Road, check your laundry!
Tatoulia
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 12:23 PM
I'm falling behind. In every area of my life. Except my bed is made. Everything else is a giant awful mess. I'm late on everything. And I'm exhausted. Run down. So tired.
My house is a pigsty.
Subclinical
Posted: 19 December 2021 - 07:48 AM
Good morning!
I did not make ddil's gifts last night. I suddenly thought that Dd2 might like a version of what I was making for ds, and since I already had everything set up for hand building those, I made a bunch more.
This morning I will switch to the pottery wheel and ddil.
I also have 7,000 other things on my list. What will I get to? Who knows!
Dh is coming home tonight. I miss him, but I would also love to have a whole week like this. Two days is not enough.
Yesterday when I was cleaning up the studio, I sorted through most of the new stuff from DD's garage. There are some beautiful tools! There was also a small amount of trash that I bagged, and a lot that needs to be washed. There has been a large platter driving me nuts for a couple of years because the glazing came out beautifully, but it warped and cracked at the edge. Yesterday I took a deep breath, dropped it on the concrete, collected the pieces and added them to the bulwark fill.
I also moved some boxes, dragged the dangerous pottery wheel to the scrap metal zone, mopped part of the floor, started a box of things to take to school and never bring back, and tossed a couple of unfinished projects into the scrap clay bucket. Plus washed a few tools and put some things away.
In the house I took care of a basket of peppers and tomatoes that had gone by.
I do need to clean up (baskets of clean laundry, piles of teacher presents, school materials from Friday, and things from my pottery class that ended are everywhere) before Dh gets home.
Subclinical
Posted: 18 December 2021 - 03:01 PM
Lila, I hope the wedding goes smoothly.
I don't know why you would get called to do something next week? Are you on call for a job or did you tell someone they could call you?
You can not answer your phone.
Seriously. It's a thing. My cell phone is in my car, and if the house phone rings, I will only answer it if it is Dh or one of Bean's parents. My mom promised not to call me. I promised to email her that I am still alive after I do chores tonight.
My studio is somewhat cleaner and more orderly. Only somewhat. I still plan to make Christmas gifts for ds and ddil before I go to bed tonight.
Lila
Posted: 18 December 2021 - 11:51 AM
Good morning. I like the sound of home alone, SubC. I need it and can never get it. Theclosest I get to home alone is if I get up at 5 or 6 (impossible for me in winter, but I can in spring and summer) then I get the quiet house for a little bit.
I have the Big Event today. I'm supposed to go at 11:30 but I have a feeling I might get called to go sooner. Okay actually it is a wedding so I really do need to be there if called, to support my friend. I am not just attending, but helping serve food and doing cleanup so I expect to be there 5 hours. This will be difficult for me, not just being on my feet that long (I will be sore) but also being around people for that long. I won't get much done this evening because I will be sore and tired.I did decide that if at all possible I will stay home from church tomorrow morning. I love church but I am so exhausted. I just want to watch it online and eat pancakes. I need time to be home and decompress - because I am working another event Sunday night for 3 hours. Not super excited about it either but I committed. So... today 5+ hours, tomorrow 3 hours. Then Monday I have morning meetings and a ton of stuff to catch up on: car accident stuff, kid health stuff, mail packages, etc. I have done no shopping for Christmas. I have to do that probably Tuesday when I have a vet appt as well. And a car alignment same day.
So it looks like my 'day off' to be home will be Weds and Thurs (possible I get called to do something but I hope not). Then Christmas Eve (working 4 hours) and Christmas day and then I plan to try and take the entire week 'off' to be home. I may make a few phone calls but I NEED the break.
Wish me luck... I am a bit stressed.
Subclinical
Posted: 18 December 2021 - 10:18 AM
I have been home alone for 17 hours - including 7 hours asleep.
I think this might be the longest I have gone without hearing a human voice since the pandemic started.
My brain feels like the ocean after a storm.
I burned the burn bag (it took three tries because Dh put it in my barn and it was damp) the dishwasher is dirty but not full. I am almost out of dirty laundry (not enough if anything left for a load). I carried the flower pot of broken crockery up to the place we backfill with rocks and such for erosion control by the bridge, and dumped it. I carried back a stake that was marking a dead tree. There was no mail.
Subclinical
Posted: 18 December 2021 - 06:45 AM
Good morning from my quiet house.
Actually, it is good morning from my not-so-quiet house.
Mr. kitty and I quite enjoyed getting up and switching the laundry over first thing. I also turned the lights on this morning instead of sneaking out of the bedroom as there is no one to wake up!
Lila, that was a huge job that you did! And in the middle of other draining demands! Be kind to yourself now. The boxes may give you momentum, but if you just crash on Monday, don't be surprised. And give yourself permission to just rest.
I opened most of my teacher presents last night. So far there are only two small non-consumable and one large one that I want to keep, which is a good thing, and I think my girls will be pleased with some of the other items.
I also got a labor intensive house plant which is currently in bloom. I will enjoy it for a few weeks and give it to dsil when the flowers die. He is good at house plants. I am not. I can visit it.
Gifts range from a lovingly hand made paper bookmark (small keep) to a snuggly throw blanket (large keep) We serve a wide range of families.
I'm eating student cookies for breakfast. I would like to make a public service announcement. If it looks like a chocolate chip cookie, but it is going to taste like "omg, that was a lot of peppermint!" You should label it.
I got a couple of gift cards with QR codes, which is interesting, because I can't read them. I don't know how much they are for, but they are to the same flower-and-coffee shop, and it looks like I can get a plant for about $10, so whatever the amount it should be fine and the place looks like an interesting outing. It's a local non-chain small business in a redevelopment area, so I approve.
I'll report back on my vacation later. It's supposed to rain most of the day, so puttering and pottery to start.
Tatoulia
Posted: 17 December 2021 - 11:29 PM
I'm not caught up at all but I just read Lila?a post. Very hard emotional work. Wow.
Got my booster. Feeling okay.
Lila
Posted: 17 December 2021 - 08:22 PM
Thanks guys, I'm a bit better today. Road, I enjoyed reading your work and progress/process. I think it really helps to type it out, and it helps me to read others' lists too.
I did something today. You know all that stuff I have been putting off mailing to my son? It's all very emotional. Anyway, today I sorted the papers one more time, took photos of anything I thought I might want to see again, and put all the loose photos, papers, yearbooks and Christmas ornaments into a flat rate box. I put in a note explaining the items. I put in his first shirts and his hospital leg bands. I sealed it all up and it is ready to label and mail. Not everything fit - but I have a second box ready. I dusted his big photo album (I made one for each of my kids as they grew up) and my son's favorite book as a child, a card for each grandchild, and yesterday I came across the baby quilt I made for my son while I was pregnant. It is faded and thinned but he loved it. It was such a labor of love. I folded it up and it is going in the second box with the album and book. I'll check around and see if I have anything else I can add to the box for him. I will mail the boxes on Monday. Emotional. An admission I am getting older and there is no point to my holding onto any of this. Time for it to go on to the next generation. Maybe someday my grandchildren will enjoy these things.
The rest of the day I worked at the event, got very sore, cleaned the bathtub, worked on paperwork and calls. I'm resting now for the event tomorrow.
Subclinical
Posted: 17 December 2021 - 04:42 AM
Good morning!
Quick note this morning because I have a lot to do to get ready for my last school day before break!
Road, you sound like you have a really good plan and a solid grasp of what you need to do. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. But maybe pick one of those areas where it would be easy to discard and jump in!
Lila, a lot of us have trouble with the cold and lack of light. I've never been diagnosed with anything (probably due to only participating in medical evaluations that involve lab tests) but my family pretty much takes my SAD for granted. We say I'm "solar powered"
I'm sorry this accident is causing you even more stress. When you do get the money, can you plan carefully and is it to make a nice space in your home? Maybe you can find some quality used furniture (I like second hand because it has already demonstrated that it isn't going to fall apart quickly.)
What are your Christmas plans? Is there something you can do to make the holiday special for yourself?
Yesterday I bought cards to write thank you notes. I also had my last pottery class of the session - some good pots, some bleh pots.
I've been working on cleaning up my classroom because they are doing surfaces over break and you can't see mine. I just ask them to please not throw anything away.
Ok, gotta go!
Lila
Posted: 16 December 2021 - 08:39 PM
Your info was perfect SubC. I guess the person wanted to keep it off her insurance and thought she could just pay 500 and be done with it. I wasn't sure but my agent told me that even if I did file through mine, they would go after her for payment. AND that the guy she wanted to give an estimate is not an approved person. So to stick with my estimate I already have.
I have a headache from it, am supposed to give their agent a recorded statement tomorrow, and have to do other stuff, and I am just soooo bummed. I have to help with an event tomorrow, Saturday, AND Sunday. I am tired and don't get a day off this week at all. It's my fault for agreeing to do this stuff but honestly I DO want to do it and help my friends... I feel like a jerk NOT wanting to do anything but... there is no bailing on this. It's too important and no one else can do it sooo. I am doing it.
I think december is bad for me because there is less light, it's cold, I can't be outside as much, I miss everyone who died, I'm sad everyone else is having big christmas parties with family, and I don't. Plus I am tired of being broke and sitting on broken couches, broken chairs, putting my coffee on a broken end table and looking and holes in the walls. I need some money. Bah.
Road
Posted: 16 December 2021 - 11:56 AM
Little victories...
Hey all, I breached the basement door and went down to do some laundry and try to find my winter shirts... found some but I am still really missing some stuff. I'm so confused as to where it could All be... maybe the garage!
So I cleared off the counter table thing where we put all the baskets when it might flood... I washed it, including some artifact mouse poop from a couple years ago. Yiiiiiikes. That was no fun. But I sorted through the various baskets and I have to say it did not feel daunting to me. I mean I wasn't all gung ho about it but it seemed manageable. I started a load and kind of straightened out that corner a bit. Then I went and grabbed my sons mini tree for his room and came up and set that up. I made his bed and put his new Christmas throw pillow in the bed. He will probably walk in and go "oh ho, so cuuuute, mom" - who knows I might get another pat on the head. While I was down there I saw evidence everywhere of the H's "cleaning job" down there which he was very proud of but always makes me cringe because I know something is always going to get broken and he's never going to tell me about it. Another thing that's frustrating that of course I never have the right to complain about because I a hoard which means I am powerless I guess? Anyway, the other frustration is that the bins get stacked cockeyed and then they tip over and break. One must respect the architectural integrity of the sterilite! Oh well, the only solution for my complaints it would seem Is to eventually make the hoard disappear... and the sooner I can get it out of anything that seems like "his space", the better it will be for everyone. By the way, the friend I visited Monday has talked about her mother's hoarding issue before. I've shared my situation but she was one of the people who didn't believe me since my living room looks normal. It came up again and She tried to tell me I didn't have a problem so I reality checked her with the 200 bins in the garage Tidbit and said, my house might not be as bad as your moms but I actually do have a serious issue and kind of explained the levels and what phase I was in now... and she felt all embarrassed that she had criticized her mom and I'm like, no I get it. No need to apologize. I would have probably ended up there if I didn't hit the brakes...
So reflecting on my overall progress, I have three main areas: 1) room 2) basement 3) garage
1) in my room, I think I have the garbage Dealt with now, and the laundry almost dealt with. I have a decent "curtain" solution for window that I've been using makeshift weirdness on for a long time. I elevated my bed which is a health "to-do" off my list, I've consolidated most of the paper work and crafting garbage to the office area and taken some bulk of the extra stuff out to the garage. Next up I think I need to replace my standing desk so that I have a good spot to sort out all the paper work that's in this room. There's a lot I'm ready to get rid of so that's positive. The stuff that regards my son is heavy emotional baggage that will be more of a challenge to go through I will save for last. I've generated a new master to do board with 4 categories- 1) my health 2) sons health 3) "clearing" (aka dehoarding) 4) misc.
Plan to start some new vision boards to get my attitudes turned around about some things. I feel like crying just writing that. We stuff down a lot don't we,,,
Eventually, I need to repair and repaint in here and freshen up the decor a bit but for now there are enough pretty things in here that I don't feel anxious about getting that done,
2) basement Working on laundry and consolidating existing storage... would like to cut down my sons toys and books by half or at least get rid of one storage shelving unit. This will be a little challenging emotionally.
Surplus kitchen stuff, No real attachment to this stuff. Should be able to get rid of several boxes...
Old paper work... not necessarily emotional baggage just very time consuming and dense,,, and large volume!
Holiday decor. Some is emotional. Other stuff is not. Might think about selling off most of the hallmark stuff next year. Can definitely pare down several boxes right now though I think.
Old clothes... this would be an easy project and could get rid of 2-3 bins pretty easily.
Old artwork... defn. Some stuff I could let go of now.
Old videos/dvds...
Paint/hardware, I will leave that up to the H, will just try to make it easier for him to access that part of the basement.
Extra household decor and antiques I'm not using... would be easy to pick things to get rid of and then more challenging to figure out how to get rid of Them...
3) garage Short term goal is to clear out a wider and wider space around workbench, and consolidate things moving the bulk further back into the garage... the stuff in here is harder because it's more mementos and creative supplies... but I think I'm going to find a lot has been ruined by mice and dampness... pang of anxiety!! But I mainly just need to clear out a small space to take the pressure off and will work on the rest next year - like maybe summer time...
I better post before I hit the wrong thing and lose this tome.
Road
Posted: 16 December 2021 - 11:17 AM
CM, sending you all the hugs and support I can virtually ::::::: it's hard not to feel crunched this time of year even if nothing out of the ordinary is going on, and what with all the loss you've experienced I can just imagine how heavy it all must feel.
I imagine we've all been in therapy at one point or another. I think I've done stretches about 4 times, each with clinicians of varying abilities/sensibilities/talent, and I've learned different things from each experience. But really anything that helps take some of the pressure or load off of you or helps you feel lighter - lean into whatever those things might be... maybe it's taking some commitments off your plate for a bit, getting away for a couple days, or spending less time with certain people and more time with others, just lean toward the stuff that makes you feel better and hopefully you will feel some relief...
I've felt pretty down lately about my sons stage in life and school and decided I needed to pick up vision boarding again. It's something I used to be pretty's was into but I've gotten away from it... but the way I do it its 100% positive and you can't help but feel better afterwards.
Tatoulia
Posted: 16 December 2021 - 07:18 AM
Sending love to all. Subc's insurance advice is spot on. Lila, you've made the reports and the claim, you can very credibly tell the friend that the process is in the works and while you might've been able to consider their repair offer if you'd known before the insurance claim, it is now out of your hands. Keep it businesslike and apologize (as a social lubricant and not as an actual apology) and just say that it's out of your hands, the insurance company has already appraised, started the process, etc. your ins will then get the money from their insurance and it's no longer a deductible situation because the hit-and-run has been identified. You'll get all that's owed to you. Just be sorry that the situation has now taken on a life of its own and move forward.
Cm sending love and strength. Road, sending love and strength. You too, Lila. SubC guess what? Sending love and strength.
Subclinical
Posted: 16 December 2021 - 06:04 AM
Lila, my grandfather ran an insurance agency. Unless things have changed drastically, the claim is going to be on this person's insurance because it has been reported. Your insurance company will go after theirs for the total amount if yours pays you, and you should not have to pay a deductible - you should get the total amount. Your insurance agency pays you as a service, ultimately it is the person at fault who pays. The deductible is only for if your insurance covers the claim - your fault or hit and run or uninsured motorist.
You can ask your insurance agent exactly how it works if you turn the claim in to each company, your agent works for you, but the only way I know that this stays off for them is if their agent lets them write you a check and doesn't turn the accident in to the company. That is unethical, but not your problem.
I was once in an "accident" in which I cracked a plastic vanity frame on a license plate trying to get out of a parallel parking situation the other person had created (she parked too close after I parked) she insisted on filing a claim. Fortunately directly with my agent. My agent had me bring him $38 and paid her out of petty cash (very petty!)
They would need to pay you the total amount, not just your deductible, because if you claim anything from your insurance, yours reports to theirs.
Please don't let the person pay you $500 and leave you out of pocket or driving a dented car.
No matter what, you don't have to get your car fixed. It will be worth less at resale and you are not "keeping the money" you are borrowing against the value of the car.
I still am not ready for today or tomorrow and I need to be ready for both. So much I want to do. I kind of wish there was no school tomorrow.
I am so done with this year. I am not even interested in my teacher presents. I just piled them on a bench unopened.
Lila
Posted: 15 December 2021 - 09:58 PM
SubC, yeah, I wouldn't do that. I already reported it to my insurance and theirs. They said to get an estimate and submit it for payment, either to their insurance or to mine (which would cost a 500 deductible). Then I asked, if they give me a check based on that estimate, do I have to use it to get my car repaired? Or can I just drive it with the dent and keep the money? My agent said it is fine and legal if I want to keep the money and not repair the car, so I was thinking I might do that. But... guess not. And if I let this friend pay my deductible and my insurance fix my car then my premium may go up. So I dunno. Why does my life have to be so complicated? I just want to live my life.
Sigh. Well, I will try and take some rest time tonight and then get up in the morning with a better attitude.
Subclinical
Posted: 15 December 2021 - 09:00 PM
Lila, i'm sorry you are depressed. It is a rough time of year.
About the car - I'm not sure what you are proposing to do for your insurance claim. How much is your deductible? You can let them pay the whole amount to fix your car, but if you turn it in as a hit and run and you know who hit you, that is insurance fraud. Is this person important enough to you to commit a crime for?
I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I just want you to think about the situation and not get yourself into a mess.
Do something nice for you. Or one small step to feel like you accomplished something - even if it's something very small. And maybe call work and your friend and tell them you don't feel well. This is true. Mental health is also health.
Road - laundry!
Lila
Posted: 15 December 2021 - 08:36 PM
I am so depressed. I read some of your replies but don't have the brainpower to respond... but I do care.
Someone ran into me in a parking lot and dented and scratched my car. I am so sad. It was in perfect shape. Now it looks terrible. I thought, well, maybe there is a silver lining. I asked the insurance company if I can get an estimate and then just keep the money and they said yes. I got an estimate, almost $3k. WOW I needed this, I will drive a dented scraped car for that much. But then the person who hit me called. I happen to know them. They were very nice, admitted blame and then said they really need this not to go on their insurance, so said if I take it to their body shop and it's not too much, they'll just pay to get it fixed. And if it is more than my deductible they will just pay my deductible. I am sad... I need the money but I can tell this will go very sour and come back to haunt me if I decline (because of where I know them from and what our relationship is there - long story but it would go ugly if I tried to just get the money).
Also sad because someone at work got upset at me, caught a huge mistake I made, told me another decision I made was bad. I am overly sensitive to this kind of thing and feel rejected and laid in bed and cried last night.
I just feel deflated, broke, ineffective. Lonely. Fat. I can't get anything done. I just want to go to bed early and lay there and cry, and then wake up in the morning and lay there.
I am supposed to have coffee with a friend tomorrow but I secretly hope for a massive ice storm so I can skip work and not see anyone and just sit home and cry.
Subclinical
Posted: 15 December 2021 - 06:46 PM
CM, we are happy just to have your presence. I worry about you and hope to hear something every time I come by.
I'm sorry that there has been so much loss in your life this year. That is very sad about your quilting group. I am glad you have each other and your church though.
I hope holy hour brought you comfort and hope.
Road, that is an odd situation.
Two more school days until break! Today I got presents, a flu shot, and a note from the building manager that they will be cleaning rooms over break, and we should label anything that might be mistaken for recycling or trash. I asked her "why do you hate me? That's everything in my room."
I didn't open the presents yet.
I donated four old towels to the animal shelter drive. I'm sure I could have donated more, but I did not have time to sort things out.
I also mailed my parents' Christmas gift.
Dh did all the dishes.
CriticalMass
Posted: 15 December 2021 - 12:05 PM
I just want to ask for some prayers and good thoughts. This year has been tough for a lot of people, I know, and my problems I'm sure fall somewhere in the middle.
Yet I could use some support. I don't know if I mentioned how many losses there have been just in November and December of people I know or their loved ones. We lost our quilt guild leader, I may have mentioned her. Three other ladies in quilting were widowed.
And last night I got a call about the friend who came back from death's door in spring of 2019. She has been a fighter, but she is in another serious battle and we just don't know what may happen. The friend who is her DPOA and my dear friend as well, and who has several family members with difficult situations herself, called me last night to let me know what was going on.
I just feel heavy hearted. And things around this house have not improved a whole lot - the repairs remain undone, and my roommate is about to implode with her job stress, her boss keeps scheduling meetings (which make it hard for me to be in this house with all the yacking going on - but thank the Lord for noise cancelling headphones). Today I have to go out to holy hour at church and the winds here are 30-50 mph with gusts up to 70. Ugh.
I'm trying to find the peace where I can. And hope that someday I'll be a productive contributing member of this thread again with uplifting stories of decluttering success, handy life hacks, etc. Right now, though, I'm hanging by a thread.
Riad
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 08:18 PM
Sub c to answer you abt house guest. She's a 2nd cousin. We are really friendly with her on Facebook and she's stayed with my parents a few years ago for 3 days and we all had a nice time so I know her a little. But I think she might be semi homeless - she's been staying with one of her first cousins helping to take care of her elderly uncle And when she visits her kids she stays for quite awhile. Anyway, whatever the situation is, she asked thurs. if she could park her car here and I was like sure no problem and then it dawned on me she was talking about this Pastweekend. Then she was really vague about when she'd be showing up and as the day wore on I pressed her more assertively for an eta and she was oddly evasive. At some point she said she was 40 mins away and she didn't show up for another 3 hours or something. Very strange. She did apologize and was sheepish but I can't explain it. I guess she had a really hard time getting her stuff together or she was really in a muddle? Or acted like she was on the road but hadn't left yet? Well, anyway now e have the awkward thing of what to do when she comes back through. I would love to see her but will probably lie and say someone is coming in a day later so she doesn't feel like it's an open ended situation. It was actually kind of an interesting dance in the text thread because she kept trying to get me to do things for her and I kept pushing back offering her less and less in return. Just kInda weird. I still like her though.
Road
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 08:05 PM
Oh sad face. I lost my replies to SubC and tatoulia. When will I learn?!
SubC that's a really interesting (and complicated) process. It kind of appeals to me - the create your own approach - but the "dream sheet" concept was pushing it. I?ll bet almost every teacher rolled their eyes when they saw that. Haha. Good that you're laying down some boundaries, as they haven't been trustworthy in the past. Now you know what you're dealing with, you can engage with sufficient protections in place. Here's hoping you get a good schedule that works for you. I know you love working with the kids and teaching your stuff.
I've taught at planned parenthood and for park districts in college, worked as an aide in special ed, substitute taught for about 6 years, every subject area and grade level k-8, and taught graphic design software at the college level. I have clocked 100s of hours teaching my son also since our district was very weak in academics for him. Loved opportunities to make up my own stuff and I'm good at that. But the challenge I always have is follow through and sticking with a routine.
Hey, you know I've been on this drive to get to the bottom of all the laundry in the house and last week I found my husbands stash of singleton socks and washed them to see if any of his matched any of mine... and guess what I didn't do.... CHECK the laundry. Yes that's right. It was even on one of those days when you threw out a random "check the laundry" and I still forgot it! LOL so tonight I was hosting another major sock pairing event. Managed to pair about 20 more. Still have about 50? But there are still a few baskets of laundry in the basement,., so I guess I'll try to get through that next but D day approacheth... (sock Dump Day)
Tatoulia, what's your daily cleaning routine? I know you said your clothing has two locations, the laundry basket or "where it goes" ... how about your paperwork and kitchen stuffs? Do you have a system that works for you or what's your ideal?
It was funny what you said about the road rage incident ? people trying to drive their cars AND the one in front of them also. Still chuckling about that one. I used to get angry every time I was in the car probably but I am pretty chill now. I let people go ahead or wave people on, if someone is tailing me I will usually just pull over and let them feel dumb for tailing me. But if you pull up behind me after I just cried on the phone making a drs. Appt for my son and start laying on your horn I will cut you. Hahaaaaa. I was looking for that truck all over town today by the way. What is my problem?
I did opt for a stitching day today. Went to my friends house late am til about 1:30 and we stitched and chatted, then I went to pick up my son. Time to get him to bed now actually. He just sneezed more times in a row than anyone I've ever heard before so I hope he isn't coming down with something. Especially not the thing.
Hope everyone has a good evening!
Subclinical
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 07:58 PM
Btw road, what was the story with that house guest - friend or relative?
And you may not need to get rid of 27 bins of Christmas stuff, but 24? 20? Can you start with ONE this year?
Youngest Dd is going east with Dh on Friday to visit his family. I'm going to work.
Subclinical
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 08:26 AM
So I submitted the class proposals and now I feel really shaky.
The way my job works is that each year (usually in January) the currently employed teachers are asked to submit a list of classes they want to teach, marked with preferred age ranges, number of times the class should meet each week, and time duration (we have class slots ranging from 1-1.5 hours and some classes use two slots) if you have not taught a class before, you submit a course catalog description as well.
You are also asked to indicate the days and times you are available. (And special restrictions - I have in the past said that I can't drive in for only one class on a given day)
The administration then uses these requests to create a master schedule of classes for next year, and hires new teachers to plug any holes in the curriculum or school day. Terms of employment are for one year and at will, so basically, as we have established, your contract isn't worth the paper you have to print it on yourself if you want a hard copy.
Ironically this year they changed the name of the "class proposal worksheet" to "teacher dream sheet".
Historically I have bent over backwards to teach whatever they wanted whenever they wanted.
This year I sent them a list of courses marked with acceptable days and time slots for each course and age range (as in "I will teach this class for this age group in one of these slots or not at all") and three alternate courses with a list of time slots they could each be used to fill if the other classes don't work out.
My proposed schedule is all courses I have taught before and I offered them a catalog description of the others on request, should they want me to teach one or more. I'm not interested in putting a lot of work into something that won't get used or will possibly be handed to another teacher (that has happened)
I also preemptively refused the lunch schedule I do not want.
So, we'll see if I have a job next year and how part time it is. I should know by the end of March.
(I will drive in for one class next year, because I'll just drive to Bean's house and leave to teach my class.)
Tatoulia
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 06:53 AM
Road you are brave! I'm a little mouse when it comes to encounters with men in trucks. I never understand why people try to drive their vehicle and the one in front of them! Glad you are safe and that you stood up for yourself.
I'm off to the office for the first time in a week. Lord only knows what to wear. Obviously I'm not doing a good job with dieting or even eating right. I don't know why I say obviously but it's pretty obvious to me!
Desk is halfway cleared but another trouble area is my coffee table.
I took bf his gingerbread house and it really is the best one I've done. Emiko did a great job and we had so much fun. It looks really nice. So one more to go.
I'm tired these days. I don't have what it takes. Some of this is too much sugar.
Everyone, I'll catch up on your comings and goings. In the meantime, I got my trash out last night and I changed the litter box. I wrapped one small present (white tissue paper and the cotton red and white string) and I wrote a few Christmas cards. I also wrote a check for a bill I've been procrastinating about. And then I went to the mailbox at the corner and mailed them all at 10 PM. Progress.
Road
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 06:44 AM
SubC, you're right of course - I shouldn't have engaged with him at all - not after he kept honking at me for no good reason, not when he could clearly have gotten by me but chose to confront me instead, not when he kept using his truck horn to talk over me, or started swearing at me, and especially not after he threatened me. Obviously someone who acts like that is out of their mind, or on steroids or something... this guy definitely spends some of his spare time as an internet troll. Lol. It just amuses me to think what he must have thought of me coming back at him. When he comes down from whatever he was on, what will he think of what he did? Will he think anything of it? I can tell you if I see him in the wilds (of polite suburbia) again, he will definitely be publicly shamed.
So tell me more about class proposals. Are you creating course concepts and then they choose which things to offer? I'm curious how that works. Is it a big project or more like writing lesson plans?
Haven't figured out what my goals are for today. I should probably start thinking about Christmas. Haven't thought of one thing to get for anyone. We don't have much to do (We keep gift giving to a minimum) but I still need to get my butt in gear... Also would really love to have a quiet stitching day... I was just going to say I don't need to do laundry (which in and of itself is a major landmark actually) but I can't find any of my long sleeved shirts or sweaters right now and it's December... So I should probably do that.
Despite having 30 bins of Christmas stuff in the basement, I have exactly THREE bins worth of stuff out plus the tree and the house looks fully decorated. Does that mean I need to get rid of 27 bins of Christmas stuff?
Subclinical
Posted: 14 December 2021 - 05:53 AM
Road, I'm sorry there is so much stress in your life right now. I hope you can find time for things that center and soothe you.
I would never fight with an angry person in a jacked up truck here. The odds of being shot are too high.
Good for getting a big thing off your list!
I ended up taking the trash bag with me and dropping it when I got gas on the way to get Bean yesterday. One accomplishment?
I had a really good day with him. He's a little sad right now though, because his molars are coming in.
The most urgent thing I have to do today is turn in my class proposals, or else I probably won't have a job next year.
I'll report back later.
Road
Posted: 13 December 2021 - 05:59 PM
SubC, fun to hear about Bean saying your name. So cute. grammie is nice and if it morphs into an approximation, that will be nice, too. 😘
Lila, sorry to hear about your puppy planner disaster. As a former and sometimes power planner person, you have my condolences. 8 month old puppy, here. When the opportunity came up last spring I knew I wasn't in the head space to take it on but the third time my husband asked I said yes. Oh boy! I feel bad because I can see a direct connection between the amt of attention she gets and her lack of productive development. Right now she spends a lot of time in the kitchen and playing outside with our old grumpy dog. Well, grumpy since we got the new dog... poor thing. She can only handle being in the living room if she's on a lead and has something to chew on. Pees and poops everywhere inside but can go potty on command outside. Definitely signing up for training soon!
Had a weird weekend getting ready for our houseguest who basically never came (she was only here from 2:30-5:30 am). Very weird situation. Had to nap Sunday from that, then last night woke up at 2 and could never get back to sleep because of the nap. So I napped again this am, and we shall see what happens tonight!
When I woke up I knew I needed to get the appt. for my son taken care of. I found 8 ways to avoid it and then I did it and started crying and then my phone died. Omg and while I was on the call, the puppy was on my bed eating important papers and trying to swallow quilting pins and omg... it was pure chaos. Luckily the lady called me back and we finished up. Unfortunately, the MRI has now been moved back to January 7th. No one seems to be concerned that this kid could have a brain tumor except for me. I know that thought is what set me off. The other thing is the sheer complexity of it all. I have to get him in to see his primary (hour away), I have to see if they can do labs (bloodwork) while he's sedated, he has to have a COVID test two days before, I have to call them with the appt date after I make it. They're going to call me twice beforE the MRI with instructions... Yada yada yada.
This is a story - skip it if you're pressed for time! Anyway, so I got that over with and then headed up to the special Rec place to drop off my late registration. There was a lunatic behind me honking that I wasn't turning left fast enough even though We are on a 5 lane highway and there was oncoming traffic in the outside lane. When I finally turned in to the driveway, he kept on honking at me. Now, I am short, I am fat, I am middle aged, and I probably come across as a mother or grandmothery type... but You might be Surprised how angry I can get in a situation like that. (Or maybe hearing me talk about the H you're not surprised...) But at this point I was still assuming he was going the same place I was going so I had no intention of getting into a confrontation with this guy because I probably knew him! So I kind of pull over thinking he will go around me but he keeps laying on the horn so I wave him around me, He lays on the horn... I get out of my Car. I am driving a 15 year old Honda and he's in a $70k jacked up beast pick up of some sort... he's yelling at me to move still that I'm blocking the driveway and I'm like I'm out of the driveway, (My trunk was hanging over maybe) you just can't turn in because You're hugging the curb and you're driving this ridiculous thing! I try explaining why I couldn't turn before (what was I thinking) he continues to honk, starts to swear, threatens to ram my car!! I'm like, do you work here? This is a small community (meaning special needs), I probably know you! He continues to swear, honk. I get back in my car and move up so he has the clearance to swing his wide turning radius into the parking lot, etc. I wish I would have said "be my guest! I need a new car!" so naturally I turn around and Park. He's parked on the other end yelling at whoever he's talking to on the phone now, I just stand there on the sidewalk like a bad ass tiny fat mad mama bear daring for him to exit his vehicle. He never does. Then I start coming to my senses and I go into the building to drop off the dumb form and she starts to enter it all while I wait. I tell her what just happened and she's so sweet about it. Turns out she's kind of a bad ass in gramma clothing, too! She thinks she's gonna come out there and beat the guy up with me or something, haha. By the time she was done he was gone. What a ridiculous scare baby. Lol I am just so hoping he was just pulling in there to talk on the phone and that he doesn't have a poor kid with special needs. What a beast. He was so rude to not let me get a swear word in edgewise. What's the expression? I think he said "don't mess with me today..." and I'm like "no, don't mess with ME today. You have no idea.!" Oh I am so ridiculous,
So all that to say, I got a big hairy thing crossed off the medical list And a big hairy thing crossed off the social/Rec list for my son. I signed him up for so much I'll probably have to cancel some. He will have so much to do he won't know what to think! And I still have So much to do but I have to keep what's been done in front of me,
Will try to come back later,
Subclinical
Posted: 13 December 2021 - 05:22 AM
Good morning!
Lila, I just don't go. People who know me understand, and I don't really care about the rest. I get that from my father. My mom told him once that their friends were offended that he never goes to their parties, and my dad said "well, I'm offended that they never come over to split wood."
All I got done yesterday was keep up with the dishes and the two loads of laundry (not put away). "Some other stuff happened" and I ended up spending the whole afternoon/evening with Bean and the kids. He said my name! (Sort of. He said "Ehmmie", but he definitely meant Grammie.)
I also brought home a fully loaded truck from the kids garage. They have decided that with a (theoretically) fully functional pottery studio available to them for free an hour away and a fantastic one with reasonable rates seven minutes from their house, they do not need one in their garage. So they passed on the hand me down kiln, and the wheel and tools (all gifted from Dh uncle or dsil's grandmother) were loaded up and sent home with me.
I am allowed to sort through everything and keep/discard/donate.
I have two wheels in my studio right now, but one of them is jury-rigged and Dh doesn't trust the wiring. I have to leave it unplugged unless I am using it and "pay attention- if you think you smell smoke, unplug it!" So that wheel is going to be recycled. I think there will be a big scrap metal recycling run some time during break when young people are here to help load the truck.
Today is a Bean day and a trip to the Festival of Lights at the zoo (also with Bean) so I have no decluttering or decorating plans. Laundry, dishes, or school work while he naps.
Lila
Posted: 12 December 2021 - 04:38 PM
Thank you SubC, I needed to hear that today. That helps me to read and re-read thta. And Tatoulia as well for chiming in.
I think you're right and they dog has just got to be trained. I am physically not able yet to do a class, but maybe I can in Jan/Feb. But I know enough to do home training until then. I am putting it in my planner to do at least one training session every day with him. Just basics to start with, like sit, down, come. He knows those words and does them if I have a treat but otherwise he blows me off and does what he wants. So we will work on those, and stay.
So now my updates will be both dog training and working on the house. I can do small things with the house and not do any new areas until the dog is trained enough to be less stressful.
I have to go to a really lame party I don't feel like going to in about 15 minutes. I am not a very social person, honestly, but this is a small gathering of like 10 of us so I can't just skip. I will go and try to enjoy some part of it. I have a church thing tonight I am going to also, for Christmas. I do want to go to that. I am just tired thinking about it.
Tatoulia
Posted: 12 December 2021 - 11:05 AM
Lila, I'm seconding everything everyone else has said. I couldn't say it better. Yes put dog training as a priority. You and the dig will feel better. The rest is inanimate objects. Sending love, support, and hope.
Subclinucal
Posted: 12 December 2021 - 07:55 AM
Oh dear Lila, I hope you are able to come back today. I want you to see this:
Never apologize for how you feel.
You feel the way you feel and your feelings are valid. If you hide them from people you are just guaranteeing that they won't respond appropriately. That said - *I* am sorry you are so down - as in I wish for you that these things that are making you sad we're not happening to you or were not things that you have to work through to get where you are going. I wish that you had more support so that they would feel less hard.
I completely understand the feelings about the dog accident. These things happen to me a lot. And my brain says "I thought I was doing so much better and now here is this horrible thing that happened and it happened because I did not do something I should have done." (Actually, my inner voice is meaner, but I don't want it to talk to you - I am nicer to other people.) then Tatoulia comes along and points out all the goid things I have done and tells me not to be so hard on myself.
So I will tell you. You are doing better. You will get past this setback. Hey - you didn't just leave the whole mess and cry and walk away! It is cleaned up!
Maybe training the dog needs to be a priority over clearing out stuff - DD's dog was badly trained and they took her to obedience school and she is so much better now and they are much less stressed. If training the dog will help things not get worse - work on that. The first step in making things get better is stopping them from getting worse.
Road, I also understand the "this was supposed to be amazing and now it is just overwhelming" problem. My dad used to call that kind of problem - too much of a good thing "what are we going to do with all these fish?" when we would be having such a great day that the fish box was full and it was still early and we were still catching. Sometimes we would stay out and catch and release if it was a really nice day, but usually it just meant you quit. You didn't want to overload the boat! (And unloading the fish was never as nice as catching them) Somehow I failed to generalize that lesson onto land.
Do you think you could part with some of the hallmark ornaments? My mom gets each of us a hallmark ornament every year. It is important to her, and a sweet tradition but I am 53, and I have been married to Dh for 31 years, and that is a lot of ornaments! I have passed on a few of them.
I'm sorry about your ornament, but good work on the cleanup and the tree!
Today I am driving down to the city studio (I can never figure out how to differentiate that from my home studio when I write) in the truck and the kids are coming by to take the truck to move something and then I will come home when they are done. (They live 7 minutes from the studio)
My decluttering goals are to keep up with the dishes, do two loads of laundry, put the laundry away (maybe), drop off the bag of trash from yesterday and clear another foot of my counter (I'm trying to finish it by the end of the week and it is six feet long and the stuff will get harder and I will have less free time later in the week.)
Lila
Posted: 11 December 2021 - 10:14 PM
Thanks guys, it's nice to get feedback and hear about your lives. Road, yeah, I have photo ornaments like that, that are special too. It's hard. I am scared because A:: my youngest's photos as a baby are digital and on a hard drive downstairs somewhere and no where else. I always think I will copy them. I haven't touched it in 8 or 10 years. That will happen in 2022.
I was sitting nicely working on my planner (got out my stickers, pens, markers and everything, which I have not done in probably a year) and was feeling better and relaxed. Then the young but large dog heard a noise and for whatever reason went charging through the living room and knocked my end table completely over... cup of coffee and cup of water went flying over my pens and markers and stickers, dumped on the power strip and all over the carpet. Stuff just went flying! All the power cords, laptop cord, phone charger, lamp, everything was soaked! Ruined some stickers as well. I was SO upset! There was NO reason for the dog to go crazy like that and run into the table! So while I was practically in tears over my coffee soaked markers and stickers, wiping cords and dumping liquid out of the power strip and getting my son to come with the carpet machine to clean up the mess with me... I also felt overwhelming guilt and sadness that this dog is so untrained because of me. I always had well trained dogs but this year has been hell, and I haven't trained him. He is wild and disobedient. He is a good boy and deserves better. I was actually writing kind of a training plan in the planner before this happened.
So my power strip is soaked. My cords and plugs wet. This laptop will die in about half an hour and then I'm done. Tomorrow I will have to find a different cord if I want to use this.
What a bummer of a day. Sorry to be so down. I have not felt this sad in a long time.
Road
Posted: 11 December 2021 - 08:57 PM
Lila, glad you made the connection between the ornaments and getting emotional. That totally makes sense. I got mad at my son today because I caught him destroying another ornament of him he made at school when he was little. I'm like "I don't have that picture of you anywhere else!" Which to him. I'm sure is 100% meaningless. I've tr ied to take good care of them over the years and then he just casually rips it to shreds. Argh. Funny cause if anyone should have the right to destroy such a thing I guess it's him. But naturally he doesn't understand the implications for his poor mother. I guess I need to scan them all or something. My hard drive cracked in half about 15 years ago and I lost all his baby pictures. It was devastating. I've learned that lesson the hard way several times actually. Now I do have redundant back up systems...
You know how I said I don't have clothing attachments? Well, one of my major hoarding categories is Christmas ornaments. I have at least 1000 antique glass ornies. Mostly balls but some other motifs as well. And then I have at least 500 (Three trees worth) of collected vintage or vintage looking or homemade ornaments... these are the ones I use every year. I put out which ever box I find first. and I have 200+ hallmark which I never even display anymore. I am definitely the hoarding poster child in that you start out wanting to create these beautiful settings or wonderful memories but it gets so out of hand they kind of end up ruining everything.
Road
Posted: 11 December 2021 - 08:36 PM
... so many interruptions, I thought I better send it before I lost my post again. Now I forget what I was gonna say. My son is spinning out kinda manicky tonight and I am hanging by my fingernails a bit. H is also high energy . I am a slug in comparison right now. Sounds like he just threw something, calgon!!!
Ok, I'm jumping out again to try to read through your posts. Will try to come back later,