It's kind of lonely here these days.

I got rid of 8 more books. 2 to the Spanish teacher and six donated.

Bought a 2023 calendar and two boxes of cards. Total 30 cards. Already have 25 thank you notes to write, so will probably end up needing another box of cards, but maybe I can scare some up if I search my desk.

My dd2 got a new job.

There was much rejoicing!

Good morning.

I am tired. My back is sore. Each day between now and our departure to mil's house contains less "free" time.

I want to stay home and read on the couch and putter.

Instead I need to go do chores in the dark and then attack my list and go teach.

I miss everybody!

Good evening!

I hope everybody is doing ok.

Lila and CM, you are on my mind.

My list got up to 43 things. I did 13 of them. Including drop my big box of donations. I did not shop. It was too overwhelming. I just wanted books or puzzles or card games and the checkout lines were about seven people long with carts full of stuff.

I did stop at the farm store and buy myself a new flat backed rubber bucket. And I bought Bean a Tyrannosaurus rex for Christmas. (Yes, the farm store sells dinosaurs). So far he is getting that and a teepee (second hand) - both approved by his momma. I would like to find him a grader, a cement mixer, and/or (depending on size and price) a roller. But all I can find are plastic ones. I want die cast metal.

I also cleaned stalls. It had been a while. It took 5 hours. My back is sore. I did take water breaks and rest. The boys are in their winter quarters.

The dishwasher is running. The kitchen looks pretty good. I have chosen 12 things for tomorrow. (I included my chores)

Good morning!

I have a list. My list is 41 items long and includes all the things I want to do before I leave for mil's house on Friday.

Although some of the things can be done in the car on the way there, or even during the "visit"

My list does not include recurring items such as "chores", "laundry" and "dishes", although it does include lesson plans because I mean for the week before break and the week after break.

Some items are individual yaks, and some are a whole herd.

So far this morning I started tea bread (need to make two loaves before Thursday) and ordered ds some stocking goodies.

One thing on my list is a trip to the thrift store - where I will drop my box and also shop for stocking stuffers.
Now I'm going to go do chores.

Hi Tatoulia!

Thanks for not leaving me alone.

Is your shot making you tired?

Gingerbread houses do sound like fun. My mil used to make gingerbread houses with my kids some years, but it was not fun because it was basically an exercise in following directions in order to make the house look exactly as grandma had envisioned. Maybe some day I will make one with Bean. It can be lopsided and wobbly and have bites missing for all I care.

He is sick and cannot come over tomorrow - which makes me really sad, because now I won't see him until right before Christmas. But I am going to do my best to make excellent use of the time.

Yesterday was mostly pottery and a little housework.

Today I worked on the scullery, cleaned out two stalls, added a Christmas decoration to the donate bin, put a few small items from the barn into the trash bag, found two more pots that can be smashed and one to give the flower class, dropped off the recycling and some items at school, cleaned an abandoned project off one of my shelves at the pottery studio - dumpster, and coated my pots with mica and got them up to be fired in time.

My new board has introduced me to the concept of "shaving the yak" which is basically getting bogged down in some task that is many steps removed from your original task due to a chain of connections and distractions. I do that a lot. I also have problems with completion and perfectionism, so that I never feel like a task is done or good enough.

So I decided that I would try looking at a big task I wanted to do, and then cutting it down to one small yak. And only that yak. I want to clean the scullery, so I picked the pile of pizza boxes. I flattened them and took them out to the garden. Then I started moving stones so I could lay them out -YAK!

Chose a new stone free area to work on and laid them out. Went out to the barn to get used bedding to bury them. Started moving fences out of a stall -YAK!

Moved to a different stall. Raked out the whole stall and dumped the bedding on the boxes (not enough bedding). Realized the feed and water bucket needed washing- YAK!

Started on a second stall. Finished covering pizza boxes. Second stall is not done - YAK!

Wait, first yak is shaved! Pizza boxes are done! New yak! - finish stall. Got some other cardboard from studio barn, finished cleaning out stall!

Took shower and moved on! I accomplished so many things!

(Don't worry, I will wash the feed and water buckets in a few minutes when I refill them. I always do if they need it.)

Very good way to orient your thinking, SubC: what can I gain if I give up this (you put it much better). I'll carry that with me, to be sure.

I slept til 330 PM today. I did get up early to feed the cat and I took my shot. Every time BF tried to get me up, turns out I was still asleep. I am dressed and doing laundry and running the dishwasher. Made a list of what I need to do today.

Decorated ginger bread houses with my friend and her children yesterday. We had a lot of fun.

I have a lot to get to the recycling bin tomorrow. Have been receiving a lot of gifts. Largely vendor gifts. Some come to my office and some go to BF's former business. The ones at my office I can put out for everyone. The stuff I get through BF's business we tend to give away. Someone sent me three bottles of wine and one was $115. I cannot imagine that. One was 80 and one was 40. He and I will figure it out.

I have a small list that of goals for today. I just need to do them. I'll be markedly happier if I do them.

Hope everyone is doing okay. Stop by and write when you can! I miss you all!

So I smashed 14 discard pots into the retaining wall fill by the creek. Making me +2 for the fall. I also threw this morning though... it's a process.

Good morning!

I set my alarm so I would get up this morning because today is my last free day of 2022. After this I will have classes, travel, Bean, company, big work deadlines, events.. my next truly free day is Jan 28. Some of those things are good and some are not. Only the good ones are avoidable.

I'm planning to drink my coffee, turn the heat on in the studio, do my chores, go throw pots, and see where the day calls me.

I joined the new board. So far I have mostly been reading, but a few people posted welcomes to me, and it is helping me unwind my head a little.

Yesterday one of my students gave me a really cute Christmas ornament that she made - so I'm even again without help from my mom. Oh well.

I also got thanked again for the books and told they were already in use. And I got thanked again for the teacher event in November, and I had a good conversation with two new teachers, and in general it was a strangely social day for me.

And I had a fantastic time in two of my classes that have been fairly difficult this year (and that I am dropping next year) judging by the laughter, the kids did too. But now I am feeling conflict about giving them up.

I can't do everything. I have to remember - like the stuff - it isn't "this" vs. "not this." It's "this" vs. "what I can have if I give this up." (Why would I get rid of 16 nice children's books written in a language Bean might want to learn some day? - because if I do, I can move my fiber arts books to a new shelf and Bean can have the books he loves *right now* on a shelf he can reach instead of piled on a bed that somebody needs to sleep in in two weeks.) (also apparently it buys me social capital, which feels incredibly weird to me. - but that's the other board. ;) )

Good morning.

Road, I'm sorry about the conflict with you and mr. Road. Hopefully you won't ever feel the need to stash stuff in his room again - you have elbow room in the basement now!

I am still crashing around 7 p.m.

I'm not ready for today. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through today. But it will probably be fine.

I had a good day at school yesterday. I put some items from my classroom that I had planned to reuse but realized I had more than I needed and those would require too much effort into the trash.

The school trash "disappears" every day at 4:30, so if I wait until close to then the whole process is easier and more effective.

I'm doing really well at not bringing new items into my house.

Hi all,

Yeah, re: Mr. Road , he absolutely feels that way, but this stuff was only in his room because I was in the process of clearing my room out this week. It's like a week long process but we were only on day 5 I think. Normally there is nothing of mine in his room. I moved out of the master bed room a number of years ago. The living room and kitchen and downstairs bathrooms are normal rooms. All my crap was in my room and the basement and garage. This is something I changed when he was getting overwhelmed by the things so gradually I ended up withdrawing from all of the house except my room which is sad commentary, but that's what happened. I am working on being able to keep the kitchen in more of an acceptable level of clean for him. As I get better about certain things he gets more demanding and rigid. For example he can't tolerate day to day mail and school papers on half the dining room table. He wants it clear and with a table cloth on it. I personally don't know anyone who has a perfectly picked up living room and dining room table. He doesn't even want to see my purse hanging on a chair. To me that's excessive. It's likely that if I didn't have the issues I do he wouldn't have gotten so rigid about normal messes. But it's defeating feeling like no matter what skills I acquire or progress I make it will never be enough. It feels like wherever I am, the bar gets raised above that. He can be piggy too though, like he will eat a bag of chips and just drop it on the floor next to the couch or take a cap off a bottle and let them pile up in the drawer. His tools out in the garage are just piled up all over, etc. but the power dynamic is such that he stands above me and judges freely. Ugh, oh I'm really feeling good about this guy today. Sorry to complain about this so much but the dynamic is woven into the whole situation.

So current status here is my room is almost totally cleaned out. I have a few drawers, the top of the dresser, one bookshelf, and one big basket that still needs sorting out. Otherwise, everything else is staying. The right amount of clothes, paperwork, office supplies, hobby supplies, etc. the desks are cleaned off and back where they were. One big bookshelf has been totally cleared, cleaned off, repaired, and is still half empty. The printer is set up again. The lamp shades have been beaten, the floor has been sort of washed... there are curtains On the windows, the heating vent is unobstructed... it's all good.so I will keep working on the remaining projects in here and at the same time keep going on the laundry and start going through more stuff in the basement, trying to clean out and organize and reduce total volume.

Have to get moving. The little man has a b-ball game tonight.

Hang in there everyone,

Good morning!

Hi Road! Good to see you!

Good job getting the trash out of your room!

I have a thought, I don't know if it is helpful, but maybe mr. Road was thinking "my room was clean. I don't want this stuff piled in my room. I don't want this stuff at all." Remember you don't like it when your boys dump stuff in your room. It's possible they don't like stuff in their rooms either.

It's great that you have elbow room in the basement!

I'm sorry that you feel crummy too. Rough all around.

I worry about Lila. (And CM, I miss you!)

The place I'm thinking about joining is a board for people on the spectrum. The depression was really bad this week and I stumbled across it looking for..something. I'm still reading, but it seems like I would be welcome without a diagnosis, the conversations feel natural, there are other people dealing with social issues and depression (ie- this would be a good time to call a friend if I had a friend I could discuss this with.) and the social rules are written out. That's really Important for me - especially when I am not at my best. Right now I am stressing about that paragraph I wrote about mr. Road. Maybe it is not helpful, maybe it is worded badly, maybe it could be taken wrong, I don't know. And if I messed up, will road tell me why or will her feelings just be hurt?

Dh is less excited. He thinks going on that board makes me "worse". I think it is like if you are a native speaker of another language and you learned English as an older adult - if you spend time with others who speak your native tongue, it is easier and more relaxing to have conversations, but then you don't practice your English and afterwards your accent is stronger and maybe you forgot a word?

So, here is a place where I can say "I put a plastic lid in the trash" and people can understand that that was an accomplishment instead of treating me like I'm nuts. And on the other board I feel liked could say some other sorts of things that have historically gone badly for me.

I got to bed too late last night. But yesterday I let go of 16 books and I took a shower and I did a load of laundry. And my classes went ok. Dh said last night that he has realized that showers are a mental health thing for me, so now he worries if I don't take a shower every day. (And that's one of those things. I think when most people are "too depressed to take a shower" they don't have the energy to move or to care if they are clean? I feel like I would benefit from a place where people understand that I just cannot face the idea of being wet.)

Anyway - another day. Off to do my best.

Hi all,

Tatoulia, I don't know what's going on with you health wise, but don't be shy about calling thE nurse
/doctor and let them know what you're experiencing. Sometimes I talk myself out of doing stuff like that and then it turns out if they had known there might've been a solution... sending you some hugs on that account and also your mom and bf concerns. Can you spare him right now?

I have a friend who lives in Switzerland. I'm always amazed how many other countries they visit casually on a weekend. Oh, we were in Germany last weekend... next weekend Belgique or whatever. It's so different than here.

Subc, I never mind your musings on social issues btw but yes, seek out additional specific support that will help you. As you all know I had to join some other hoarding groups so I could share photos. This format drives me insane but I love all you guys so much I can't quit you. 😂

Epic week continues cleaning out the very last scrap of my room. Mr. Road could only stay nice for so long and yesterday he came home cranky and threatened me about throwing the stuff that remained in his room into the garage. At the time I was taking my son to basketball so there was nothing I could do about it and sure enough when I came home it had all disappeared. He knows what I'm trying to do, he sees me working on it, sees the pile going down... you should think it would be encouraging to him - but no, it just angers him. Maybe he's thinking "why didn't you do this sooner" or "how did you let it get this bad" or "why aren't you the person I wish you were" ... obviously this is an exercise in futility. I tried not to focus on what might have gotten damaged that he moved or where he moved it or whatever, and as you can see tried to make excuses for him, but it left me absolutely drained and this am I went back to bed from 8-10 and then I wanted to sleep all day. I felt really yuck. Like organ sick. So I don't know if my chemistry is off or whatever - or maybe I'm getting sick. My bro ended up coming down with the plague after tday... anyway, I'm pretty disgusted with the H and just want this phase to be done. Well, actually, he speeded up this phase for me moving all that crap out to the garage. I could look at itthat way.

I went through the fourth (?) and final pile of trash from my room. The other three were in earlier phases. 3 half filled bags went out to the garbage. For the chair I think I decided to shop for something better and smaller. Something with arms but a narrower profile. Then I can keep a stitching spot in my room which I would like. Everything in here looks so shabby now. 20 years... our house has some movement issues and so the walls need to be patched up again and ugh. Needs a paint job badly. I'm annoyed I basically had to move things back the way they were and could have saved myself a lot of time and effort and sore muscles... but you don't know til you know sometimes.

I got the bookshelf stabilized and put the genealogy binders back up. I have a few more projects in here and then it's on to the garage or basement. Blah blah blah... I'm not as intimidated by it now as I know there is a lot of easy stuff to start with... just dealing with that stuff will take quite a while...

Better hit the hay. Bonsoir mes amies

PS whoohooo on giving away the books! So proud of you!

Had trouble posting my reply. Thank you for your sweet words, SubC. I will support you in all endeavors!

I worked from home today and will be in office tomorrow for our department meeting. A few of us were asked last minute if we'd like to make a statement at the end of the meeting tomorrow. There were prompts like th best thing that happened, etc. I chose the most surreal thing that happened this year, which was that I had to recoup a couple of million dollars that was accidentally paid out. Very few people other than senior management know about this issue and so people will find it quirky. This was sheer torture because the money was sent all over the place and I had to contact each person individually with a long list of each amount, some as small as $12.06. And guess what, I got back every penny.

So tomorrow is an in office day.

Tonight I was able to shampoo my vomity carpet. It came out really nice. Cleaners are coming on Friday, thankfully, so they will never even know that I threw up in the bedroom.

I'm running the dishwasher and I did two loads of laundry. I've decided to wear a sparkly dress to work tomorrow. I'm also thinking about washing it and seeing if mom wants to wear it to her Christmas party. I'm not sure if it will fit her as it may be too tight. But I could try it on her. It's pretty and sparkly and brand new and I don't think I'll wear it again since I do not anticipate it will fit. I'll be too thin.

I have to locate a few Christmas things and out a few things away.

Oh Tatoulia,

I will of course still be here! I just feel like I need to take some of the non-hoarding issues to a more appropriate place.

I always enjoy your posts and find you very helpful.

I gave the Spanish teacher 16 books.

SubC, you need to do whatever is best for you. I don't know if you can consider still checking in with us or if that would be too much. In any event, I understand completely. I wonder if I talk off topic too much and if I'm being helpful at all.

Good morning.

Tatoulia, I hope you feel better today.

I woke up early this morning. I need to build on that by getting my chores done and taking a shower before school.

Yesterday was very hard, but I did manage to become glad I went to school by the end of my last class. I stopped at the store and bought broccoli and then cooked broccoli (green veggie!) brown rice, and eggs (for the omega3s) for my dinner. It took me over an hour, but it broke the snacking/carbs chain. I was wiped out by 7, but I loaded the dishwasher and ran it again.

I don't think I will go to my class tonight. I don't have any pots ready. This makes me sad and disappointed with myself. I am trying to be gentle, but it is hard.

I found an autism forum I am thinking about joining. I love you guys, but I feel like I am off topic a lot lately. That forum is larger and less personal, but very active, and a lot of what I'm reading is very on point. Dh made me stop reading out loud to him last night.

I told the Spanish teacher I will bring him some books. Now I need to do that.

I vacuumed the bedroom. Will shampoo the rug tmr. Stopped by to see mom for just a minute.

Didn't take my shot tonight. Definitely not feeling great.

I moved kitty's bed and heating pad to the living room so I can sleep with the ceiling fan tonight. I am miserable.

Okay, hoping everyone is doing okay. I feel your struggle, SubC.

Good job on the bag!

I have to find the strength to shampoo my rug. I am in terrible shape.

That sounds horrible!

I'm at school. I'm literally thinking "in two and a half hours I can go home. The next two and a half hours are the best part of my school week, so this is bad.

I brought a bag of paper from home to school forever.

The shots have caused severe nausea, heartburn, acid reflux, and I vomited three times last night. It was awful. Twice on my rug and the third time I made it to the bathroom. I will need to clean my rug tonight, if I find the strength. I cleaned it with a towel and water but it needs actual cleaning. Not sure if I'll go through with tonight's shot that was very rough on me. Supposedly the side effects improve.

Not good. Sorry you are so fatigued, SubC. Terrible way to feel.

Good job on the recycling Tatoulia!

The shots still awe me. At first I thought the not feeling well might be a side effect, but then I saw the coughing. So sorry.

I crashed last night. I thought I was doing better and then The sun went down and I realized I am still very tired and I had a negative event in the barn and I realized I still have no reserves.

Instead of doing anything productive or on my "want" list, I watched videos and went to bed - alone because it was too early for Dh. Still woke up tired. Mood disorders stink.

Dishes are bad this morning.

I dreamed that someone came and cleaned my house. It was good, except they cleared the whole problem counter and I had no idea what they did with the things on it. This caused me a lot of stress. No worries - this morning the counter is still a massive pile of bad and delayed decisions.

All recycling out and I remembered to pour cat litter in an old paint can so that's out too, I have another paint can but don't feel like looking for it. Might be under the sink in the bathroom.

I bought my wreaths over the weekend and got them hung on my windows. I went with wreaths with some pine cones and greens so no bow on them. They struck my fancy when we were at the boys and girls club. First time not having bows. I like the look, especially when it isn't cold out.

I am going to have to work from home tomorrow. I do not feel well enough to go in and I'm sure no one wants to hear me cough til I almost throw up.

So mom dropped a pill and it landed in the cat's dry bowl. Her meds are administered to her each night, so I can only surmise that one fell in her clothes and ultimately ended up in the cat bowl.

Tonight mom forgot my boyfriend's name. That's okay. It will be my name next. She's forgotten my phone number so I wrote it in two places for her.

I just did my shot for the day. This one pinched. Yesterday's shot did not. Maybe I went too fast or didn't have the correct angle. I'll pay better attention tomorrow. Tomorrow I will do it in my thigh as I am supposed to rotate areas. I'll learn more when they officially teach me during my telemedicine appointment on Friday. I used YouTube as my guide.

Package mailed!

We stopped by mom's an$ I gave kitty a bowl of water. He water runs out. Good thing it had, as mom had dropped a pill in it. Ran a few errands with BF.

I'm tired. My next shot is at 8PM. I'm definitely not feeling well and will not be going to work tmr. For now, I'm just drinking lots of water and thinking about making a tuna sandwich.

Tatoulia, I'm glad you're feeling better.

Mail your package!

I just got a shower. Bean is asleep. My youngest child who now lives in Colorado stopped by for two hours and we burned an emotionally charged item she'd been storing in my basement (complicated story but it's all good.)

Baby stuff to return to Dd fills the back of my suv. Christmas tree is up. Advent stocking garland is up (only 5 days late) and waiting for Bean to get today's piece of candy. Bread is baked, feed bought. I couldn't find the play dough recipe (a particular one I like that uses koolaid) but I hadn't promised him. Laundry running and one load of dishes finished.

I'm going to start tossing my donate stuff into one of the empty boxes that has accumulated around here and put away some laundry. Then I'll need to get Bean up to return him.

I found one Christmas ornament to donate while I was decorating the tree, but my mom will be sending me another one. She does every year.

Feeling better today. Eating squash and having tea. My house is a first class mess. Really bothering me. If I can finalize the box to Switzerland and get it to the PO, I'll feel better.

I have today off (planned).

Also, shout out to Lila and CM!

I thought it and forgot to type it.

How are you guys doing?

Good morning!

The tea bread is in the oven. I need to go out and do chores in a few minutes so I have them done before Bean gets up - it's too cold and too dirty in the barn for him to help me these days. But I think he will sleep late. He had a lot of excitement yesterday and he chattered in his crib for a long time after he went to bed.

We have a lot to do today - finish the Christmas tree, trip to the feed store, and more bread to bake. Plus, I want to cook play dough with him. He hasn't had it before.

Tatoulia, I hope you get some rest today. I know it will be hard for you if bf is gone for a long time!

Road, you're not trapped under a bookshelf are you? I'm counting on mr. Road to save you.

I've been pretty good about taking my vitamins lately, but they aren't always enough. I need to shower while Bean naps today. I couldn't face it yesterday.

We cross posted, SubC! I'll read your post now!

SubC, I'm sorry that you are feeling down in the dumps. What a wonderful time you had with your grandson at the train place! And I love that your son in law is bringing over his father's trains. For the grandson, of course, and no other reason. 😀
There's little I enjoy more than going to symphony. Boston's Symphony Hall is minutes away from my house. I miss going. Hopefully next year.

I'm fighting a sore throat and a cough. Testing negative for anything awful, so that's good. I slept most of the day. I finally got dressed and picked up personal product for mom I left downstairs for her since I don't want to go in sick. I picked up my needles from the pharmacy and after watching a few you tubes, I gave myself my first injection. My appointment to teach me how to do it is Friday. Shockingly painless, which is good because this is a daily shot and therefore a commitment.

Road, you accomplishing so much! Good for you. I'm sure that seeing those books and journals stirred up a lot. A few years back, I shredded all of my diaries. Decades worth. I relived things. It was intense. A lot of stuff I had forgotten about. I definitely went through a lot while rereading. Glad they are gone.

Wrapped a few gifts tonight. Very few as I only have one thing for BF. I wish we could agree to no gifts this year, or a dollar amount. One year he suggested this and I had already spent around 200 on him and he said fine, 200 it is and then he showered me with gifts. This year, he's the one is the precarious situation so I wish we could skip it.

He's talking about heading overseas to see his family. This will be a long trip in terms of duration, meaning months. I don't know his timing and neither does he. He said he wishes he could go for Christmas but it makes better sense to go in the spring.

All I ask is he buy a return ticket. I don't care if he goes for several months, but I need him to come back here. I cannot move overseas right now or even in the near future. I had pictured this later in our lives and not now. But again he's merely going home to see the family and do some work on his house and that sort of thing. And I am thrilled for him. It's been 20 years of working seven days a week. I'll have to get my passport renewed so I can go visit in he event he ends up staying more than three months. Fourth month, I'll be there. Earlier, We had talked about flying to Switzerland at Christmas and then buying a car, driving a friend from Switzerland to another country where she has a house, then taking the car to his sister. But this is happening too fast and my mother is too sick for me to be gone. And he's not ready to do that. He just wants to get home. I understand.

Doing a load of laundry. One is in the dryer and the other needs to be hung up since it is delicates. I'm tired. I have tomorrow off. We probably won't do anything fun unless I am feeling a lot better.

Started to decorate the house and I started to wrap gifts. Not bad. Tomorrow is recycling night so I have to take a good long look at what is here.

Praying for everyone's peace and comfort tonight.

Good evening.

Road, I think fire is an excellent idea. I personally find it very cleansing for negative energy.

Solstice is an excellent time for that..

Did the Non-working lights and bits of tree leave your house?

Any chance the easy chair that hurts your back can also go?

I am feeling quite a bit better this evening, but a little frustrated about all the things I haven't done.

Things I have done:
My tree has lights and ornaments on the top and the ladder is back in the garage.
Dd and dsil moved the play kitchen upstairs and I found the pots and pans! Included was a cracked wooden spoon which I tossed straight into the woodstove!
Fruit is soaking to make tea bread tomorrow.
I walked out with Bean and fam. And took pictures of them cutting a small cedar tree from our yard for their Christmas tree.
Dd and I worked in the basement and I have two boxes of baby stuff to return to her tomorrow. (It wouldn't fit with the tree)
Dd also helped me carry some stuff from the house back to the studio where it belongs.
I put new bath toys out for Bean.
I found two toys to donate.

My day was not too bad.

Hey all,

Subc, sorry to hear you are down. I know that is not your usual situation. I'm so glad you got time with Bean and had a trip to the symphony.

Not sure where I left off but I disemboweled my room. Filling up the H's room in the process. Most of the stuff has been binned and he has moved them out to the garage. Meanwhile he worked on the garage himself and we were able to clear out all the odds and ends of trees. We also found that the box of newer working Christmas lights was in the garage and the older one that had lots of stuff to pitch was in the basement. So that mystery is solved. I finished putting lights and greenery on the mantle and reset everything so that is finished. StI'll could add a few little ornaments to the tops of the trees but that is not a priority. This is way more than I usually am capable of doing and the H is very pleased. We had his cousin and wife over last night and had a great time.

So today I gave it some thought and decided to move the furniture back to the arrangement I had before. Minus the excess of crap. I will prob have to move the easy chair out but that's ok. It was hurting my back anyway. I am about 25% done. I decided to stop and actually go through a bin of paper stuff. It turned out it was old journals and a big stack of marriage books. (Barf!) I checked all the books for handwriting and piled up the ones that were bLank. Those and some assorted paper garbage will add up to a cubic foot or something that I'm getting rid of so that's good. I was not looking to read any old journals or anything but in just moving the stuff I absorbed quite a lot and the books that had notes in them - ugh so painful. Also ran into the account the H wrote of the night my son was born and the trauma from the birth and the abusive Obgyn. Naturally I didn't read it but it brought back a flood of awful memories. I am so sorry I never held that guy responsible for what he did. The midwife at the time actually tried to talk me into reporting him and he was her colleague. But I couldn't do it. So between that and all the journals and pregnancy journals and marriage counseling notes and tapes and books and Day planners with daily notes of my life... Oh, and some guarana in my drink this am! I am really jittery and stressed. I cleared out the bin, set aside anything that didn't have personal info on it to get rid of and put the bin in the under the eaves storage area.

When I am ready to get rid of that stuff How would one do that? I guess burning is the only way...

I have to say the stuff I've worked on in the basement the past couple months between the laundry and going through the Christmas stuff, And the work the H just did in the garage, there's actually quite a bit more elbow room now. Well, there was none and now there is a little bit. But I'm very happy with that because That means I can sort through stuff down there now and don't have to bring anything up to my room which will soon be re-set and clean.

Well, I need to get back to it.

Oh, I went to new stitchy friend's house Friday afternoon and evening. Maybe I said that already - and then yesterday on and off I went to a big virtual event and got to know a few more stitchy people so that was fun.

I am not feeling particularly depressed at the moment. I actually cut back on the meds I was taking because I was trying to tease out if they might've caused my tinnitus. Still not sure about that but decided to stay on the dose I'm on through the winter. I've been much more regular about taking vit d and b-12 which I think I can attribute bouts of the "mean reds" as holly golightly calls them to a vitamin deficiency. I also have a light thing I'm going to start using. I have these periods in my life where I feel like I am slowly crawling out of a very deep dark hole and looking back I can't believe how long I was in that hole or how some people in my life really had no idea I was in there at all! I'm in one of those phases right now.i am actually starting to think I could have a career again where two years ago I couldn't even wrap my head around it.

*** If you're in a pit, please check your b-12 and vit d situations, that's all I'm saying.

Alright,stopping now to get back to work. If you don't hear back from me I might be trapped under a toppled book shelf!

Tatoulia,
Maybe you are tired? I think so many of us are tired this time of year. There is so much noise and business and we try to do too much.

Bean loved the trains yesterday. Spending time with him is amazing. He is so self aware. I've never seen a little one self regulate the way he does. The first room of the display was fairly open, with some preschool activities and some simple trains and static displays about historical toys. Then you went down a ramp from which you could view a lot of the room below into a huge sprawling wonderland of trains with music and many more people.

He found one of the trains upstairs that looked like the polar express and announced that it was the "North Pole train". dd asked if it was his favorite and he said "it is my BIG favorite." When we went downstairs he commented on all the trains and little details of the scenery and asked to look from different vantage points, and then (this is the self regulating part) he looked at me and said "(Bean) needs to go back upstairs." A normal kid would just get overstimulated and eventually melt down.

So we went back up and watched the polar express go around in a circle for a while while daddy and Papa geeked out on the model trains. Then we all went into the Lego train room with an entire city and countryside built out of legos.

The take away from all this is that dsil is going to bring some of his trains (that belonged to his dad who unfortunately died before dsil met Dd) over and he and Dh are going to set them up in our basement for a while "for Bean to enjoy".

Dh and I also did a bunch of shopping. Not for Christmas. Dh got a new coat and boots. I got a cinnamon roll. I was supposed to get new dress boots, but I couldn't find any I liked. Then we went out to dinner and to the symphony. We were in different seats this time- right up front! And my pottery friend who plays the cello actually saw me and smiled and gave me a tiny nod as he walked onstage. It felt very odd. I told Dh - we'll, that's the first time Dan has seen ME at the symphony.

I slept very late and I'm having a lazy morning. The sun is out today, which is good. I'm trying to tell myself I am healing, but I have a sense of time slipping away and nothing getting done.

Took mom for a haircut today. BF met me downtown and we went to a church fair to buy my wreaths. Very rainy day today. Riainy and warm.

I put the wreaths up but it was so dark and windy and so I have no idea how they look. I did three loads of laundry tonight. Towels, then my new electric thrown then jeans. I have more to do but that's what I did tonight.

Thinking of heading into bed at 830. What is wrong with me?

Good morning

Road, I'm glad you got to go stitching.

I was picturing living room end tables with drawers in them..

You don't say what you are doing with the things you are finding. I don't know if the unpaid bills are a thing you have to keep for legal or financial reasons, but you definitely don't have to keep information about old job applications. I hope you are pitching as much as you can. Shred it, recycle it, burn it.get it out of your life asap. You do not deserve to have to encounter it again.

Here is a thing I learned, (ymmv) when I am at a point where my donate box can get lost or forgotten, spending my time permanently disposing of one sheet of paper is better progress than spending the same time identifying 25 things that can go - because I will end up spending the same amount of time on the 25 things later when I reencounter them.

I also have some thoughts about the bins, but I'm not sure they would be helpful to you right now. I do understand about the bins, but also, I am at a different place about bins. I can share my journey on those if you think it would help. I am afraid it would sound critical, and I know it does feel better when the things are in bins and feeling better can help a lot.

Right now it would help me a lot. I am struggling really hard to get out from under whatever is going on with me right now. Dh asked me if I wanted to put the lights on the Christmas tree this morning and I cried. I feel like I am stuck inside me watching myself make bad choices and my brain says I need to xyz and my body just says "no." It's not like I physically can't do the thing - my hip is much better, it's like the mental equivalent of lifting - where physically you can grab hold of a thing, but your muscles are too tired to pick it up? I can decide to do something, but I can't seem to find the will - the mental energy to actually do the thing. And then I feel sad and discouraged and angry at myself and my brain tells me mean and critical things and I just want to make more bad decisions.

We are going to the special holiday train display with Bean today and it is one of my fun holiday activities and I want to feel happy and excited, not overwhelmed and sad.

I need to do chores, and I need a shower.

Subc, that should have read "ELFA" not sofa. Soooo many typos in that one. The short unit fits under the desk.

Funny how I started out thinking "oh no, not too much furniture, just too much every thing else. " but after listing it all and having to add on several times, yes, also too much furniture. Also this Bed may not work which (whimpering defeated sounds in my head) uggggh. I think part of it is I am in pain still from all the heavy lifting and moving, and since the mattress is on the floor at the moment and it's foam, getting out of it is... interesting. Funny because I was feeling very strong and spry while I was moving stuff the first day. Now, not so much.

One of my challenges is wall space since there are 3 windows, and being able to reach things since I'm short. Also out of sight out of mind so if as much can been visible in a single layer that helps me function.

I also realized the reason I had my office area kind of cut off (back 40) is my son used to pilfer through my binder systems and destroy everything. I get twitchy just thinking about it. I think he's outgrown that but I am afraid of finding out the hard way.

So yesterday I had to box everything up that was in Mr. Road's room. I ordered yet another TENMOREBINS! For a few years I've been saying "maybe these are the last bins I will ever buy!" It could happen. One day it will be true and let's hope it's not at the end of my life.

I have to say I've felt both pride of accomplishment in tackling this large complex project, but also it's a series of unpleasant (putting it mildly) involuntary confrontations with failure. Every time I pick up a file it's another account for a job I didn't get or work I did that I never billed for, or a very well developed concept for a business that I never quite got off the ground... it's marriage support books I never read and jewelry, quilts, and needlework I invested 1000s of hours into but never finished. There are binders full of health records and "to dos" that never got done, and bills that never got paid... Weight watchers books and record keepingThere are boxes of journals and day planners and wall calendars full of details I can't remember of a mismanaged life. And in that context, It's no wonder one avoids processing it.

I will say there are piles of things I can let go of, there's just not enough of it (yet). But perfectionism got me into this mess - I'm not going to be all black and white about it all and stay stuck. I will keep working in waves and I know it will keep getting easier as I go.

I had a long awaited invite to a new stitching friend's house tonight. Funny Because we met on Instagram but realized after awhile we were both from the same area and turns out she lives a town away, close to where I grew up and went to the same church as a lot of my friends. She's a smart ass, funny, has similar political views, and likes all the same needlework that I do. Her house is beautiful and she took us on a tour of her "WIPs" and stash (of supplies) and made me feel like I had a LOT of self control. Lol. She has a lot more disposable income though so she's not doing anything wrong. Everything is neatly organized and everything has its place. She loves to travel so maybe if I can learn to save and budget, we can take some Trips together down the road. Anyway, it was a nice time.

Well, I should go back to sleep before the guys wake up. What's on the agenda for this weekend? I'm afraid I have yet more moving and cleaning. But it's all good.

Good morning!

I forgot .CM's white rabbits yesterday.

Tatoulia, I hope you got your thing done last night. I give the goats shots, but I'm not sure I could learn how to give them to myself.

Road, great job cleaning! that sounds like a lot to manage. I am curious about the sofa drawer units?

I lost all momentum yesterday. I just could not locate any more of whatever it is that helps you do stuff. Even stuff I want to do - no pottery, no lights on my tree, bad food choices... it was all videos and bread. Dh picked up "take out" from the grocery store that resulted in more packaging that needs to be rinsed off and recycled, and I left it sitting all night, so now it needs to soak.

House is a mess again. Clean sheets on the bed last night, but no laundry this morning. I'm barely going to make it to school with minimum prep done. (Dh says my minimum - or 1 on a 1-10 - is everybody else's 5)

Good work , ladies!

Road, that does sound like a lot of furniture in your room but I do think it was Lila. I am not shaming anyone. I'm on your side!

If anyone should be ashamed, it's me. I'm still in my morning pjs and it's after 7 PM. I need to go see mom. And figure out both dinner and lunch.

My shots start next week. My doctor ordered the medicine and I have it. She ordered the needles today and I learn on Friday how to inject. Not tmr, next week.

I have day off tmr and I'm looking forward to it.

Could someone please prod me to do something tonight after I get home from mom's? Ideally, I'd package up the item to go to Switzerland so I can mail it tmr.

Hey Tatoulia, hey subc,

Subc, I call that upgrading! Esp when you're swapping out 1:1. Tatoulia, you are so sweet to give your cat such a comfy spot.

Update on my room. Cleaned out the back 40 some more. Window sills were full of dead bugs and moldy yuck. Hopefully I wasn't disturbing anything toxic. Washed the walls and baseboards and floor but it's still kinda dirty. Walls need repair and repainting. got the mattress rotated and figured out a weird way to arrange the furniture so I could keep my desk. Now the layout is odd but I will keep it like this for a little while and see how it works. I think Lila was saying she had a lot of furniture. My challenge is more the volume of other stuff. I have the bad (jest ordered the frame), a small antique dresser, nightstand, two narrow bookshelves (tall), a table/hutch desk and my DIY folding table standing desk. I also have two sofa drawer units. Oh I have an old glass door cabinet also. And an easy chair. Two pieces too much for the space I have. I started going through what could stay or go. Challenging just because of where to put it. The garage is calling my name.

Also cleared out a little more Christmas. Bagged up a couple gallon ziplocks or orrnies I could let go. Donation bin has disappeared in. The thanksgiving cleanup. This is what happens. Eye roll!!

Back later. Road jr.'s bus approacheth.

Good morning my dears!

Still not getting enough sleep here.

Road, that sounds like quite the epic project! How are you feeling today?

I tried to focus on categories when I first worked on cleaning out the studio barn. What I discovered unfortunately was that it is only going to be functional if I limit the categories to "Pottery" and probably cut the pottery in half. Currently my basement is the "everything else" category and I am using the scarlet O'Hara system on it.

Yesterday I donated 11 pieces from my studio to our "flower farmers" class. I brought home six new ones from class. So I still need to get rid of 16 to break even. Although honestly the new pots are bigger than the donated pots. But nicer too. And some are potentially salable.

I have been very pleased with myself about getting things done in the mornings, even though it is more maintenance than progress, but it gets harder as the week goes on. I have my sheets in the wash, but I am feeling very slow this morning. I will regret that later when I don't have time to throw pots.

Big day, Road! I hope you sleep well on the new mattress. Refresh my memory: do you have a lot of furniture in your bedroom? I remember that one of our friends here had a lot of furniture and I suggested getting rid of a piece. I'm not going to harangue anyone on this; just trying to remember.

Cleaners came today while I was at work. Going to go to bed now.

Kitty didn't ask for any food when I came in. Her bed and heating pad are still in my bedroom and I turned on the heating pad when I got home around 8 PM. So she's snoozing.

Saying goodnight now. I need to do some stuff around the house. I feel like I own way too much to be happy.

Hi, here with an update. Got all the stuff moved from my sons room to the master and then after dinner moved everything off the master bed to the floor and consolidated a. Little. Kept mr. road in a pretty good mood and warned him multiple times and he still had to make a bunch of snide comments. I even suggested this might be the last time I ever have to put my stuff in his room trying to clean but that just brought up memories of all the times we have cleaned it out before. Oh well. I'm exhausted. I should have measured that space before I ordered the bed. I might have to put it back in the arrangement I had before but less a bunch of the stuff. The plan has been to only have certain categories of stuff in that room .

1) clothes that fit - dresser, closet, hamper.
2) Needlework stuff - 2 bins under standing desk plus some various accessories
3) genealogy binders, books and paperwork
4) current office stuff
5) gifts/wrap & greeting cards, etc.

All the other crafty stuff and all the school materials for my son are going downstairs and garage for now.

Since I started working on the basement already I feel a little better moving more stuff down there and to the garage.

Also need to have a catch all bin so when the guys use my room as a dumping ground, they can at least have a target. It hopefully I can get them to stop doing that.

How's every body doing today?

Hi errrrbody,

Well I had a rather epic morning. First I took my son to school then I got some laundry going and went through a bunch more Christmas stuff. You would not believe the rando stuff that was in some of these boxes. Then I decided to try to deal with my mattress. Long story short, 2.5 hours later I had emptied out the "back forty" - quelle horror - did a minimal sweep and dust, opened the windows, turned on the air filter and got the dang thing out of the box, unwrapped and started decompressing. now I completely filled the hallway and my sons room and half filled the master bedroom and made my room totally unnavigable. I had two near miss avalanches and one actual (very dangerous) avalanche. Then I went to lunch with BFF, went home, got my son off the bus and he proceeded to start calmly but determinedly (?) move every. Dang. Scrap. Box. Drawer. Bag. And. Board! The hell OUT of his room and would not rest until that was done. I was getting annoyed at him for not listening to me to just stay out of his room til I cleaned it but his reaction was totally predictable. And to be honest, I thought after I had already purged so much on previous sessions there wasn't that much left in here but I was wrong. Calculate the cubic footage of this space and then multiply it times 4 and that will show you how much I actually had packed in here. The mattress is on the floor and takes up the entire back 40. Gulp. All the other furniture is crammed in the front half of the room. I was having to crawl under the desk to get through - but I finally got the chair angled enough that I could get the dresser tucked in so I can get by it now. Fat will only compress so far. Ask me how I know. 😆 now I am sitting trying to figure out what to do next. Oh boy.

Good morning.

I am tired this morning.

But I got an hour in my studio yesterday and my plans for today are on my board at school.

I started a load of laundry again this morning. I have two loads dry but not put away from yesterday. This load is also not going to get put away today.

I have a meeting at lunch and class tonight. That means I am working from 9:15 to 3:30 with only a 15 minute break, then clean up and prep. I need to be at class by 6. I will try to make good use of the between time, because I leave home at 8:15 a.m. and get back close to ten p.m.

I threw away a sentimental but falling apart brush at school yesterday. I also dropped off my recycling and a little bag of trash.

The farm sitter took a big pile of the feed bags that had been accumulating in my barn to make a windbreak for her chicken run. I had nothing to do with that, but it makes the barn better.

Off to do chores.

Not finished reading your post but YAY YOU road! Thunderous applause!!!!

Good job on the stuffed animals road! That was a lot to get past!

I hope you made progress on the back 40 and are feeling better about it!

I work really hard on verbalization because my non-verbal communication skills stink. Also because I have learned that my brain travels unusual paths, so I make assumptions that other people think are strange and they make assumptions I don't understand and do things that I don't expect. It comes from years of Dh asking me "why did you think." or"why would you possibly think." or "who would think." (well, me obviously.)

I have learned to start some discussion with Dh with "this is not an angry voice or a hostile voice, this is my ?I am struggling to create words' voice" because apparently normal people sound a particular way when they are angry and I sound that way when I am angry, or sad, or confused, or any strong emotion that challenges my ability to verbalize. Conversely, I hear anger in peoples voices only when they are loud, which is not always the case. So I will not realize that someone is angry if they are speaking at a normal volume. Also I take words at face value. It's a problem. I do better in print.

Hi all,

Productive early morning today. Decided to start driving my son to school today so I don't have to deal with the bus pressure and the very **** unpleasant driver every day. Ooof! She is a bitter pill. I have actually argued with her several times which is absurd and embarrassing so I decided enough of that. Plus, we have a great time dancing and singing in the car on that drive. And then I am quite awake when I get home and ready to get some things done.

Today I came home (well, after stopping at dunkin and making some poor choices) and cleaned up the kitchen, got the dishes in a soak, did some more decorating, started another load of laundry, brought up yesterday's laundry, and ****DRUM ROLL****

Threw out the 50 year old stuffed animals!

Da daaaa!

Actually it was not that big of a deal because I really didn't feel anything. It would be a bigger deal if I got rid of stuff that I had an attachment to. But I used to be attached to the things and significantly, they are the first ever collection and embued with all the stress and trauma of being hospitalized repeatedly at an early age. I am letting them go. I took pictures, and bagged (almost all of) them up and dropped them right in the garbage. I wrote up a little post with pictures for the other group and said I appreciated they were all given with love and comforted me during a tough time and now I find it comforting to let them go. Yay me.

Next up I am doing my room"reset" which is finishing picking up stuff out of the main path, folding and putting away clean laundry, getting dirty laundry out, and cleaning off my desk.

Also new project for today... I ordered a new mattress! Decided to go for a queen again. My motivation to get a twin was mainly so I could keep more crap in my room which is not a sound motivation. I haven't minded having sleep overs with my son and the H for the past month (?) but well, we all sleep better alone I'm sure. So this means I have to clear out the "back40" completely which means this is probably more like an all week project. But it's a good thing. It will mean that almost everything in my room will have finally been touched or moved and there won't be any remaining 7-year old stale energy anywhere. I am making up that number because I have no idea how long it's been. I just know I am continuing to claw my way out of the pit in super slow motion with the occasional spasm of hyper productivity....

Tatoulia, thank you for your warmth and sorry to cause you to absorb any of my grief... you are a very kind soul indeed. Empath? My husband I have been together for 30+ years and we have both done bad things to each other over the years. We are both still mean to each other at times but the incidence is less than it was. I am working on my executive functioning issues, depression and self centered
ness and his issues are... his I guess. I do regret not getting out when we were younger, but for now, we are together for the foreseeable future. Nothing is guaranteed down the line... but my focus is to continue working on myself and occasionally try to get him to see how destructive his lapses in self awareness/self control can be. Lately it's all about "self-regulation"... Learning more about that can only help our situation I think.

Subc, you have good insight on the marital situation in terms of how to put things verbally to let them know what we are experiencing.

Lila, glad to hear health things are looking good. Your lists always motivate me so keep them coming. Glad you got some Actual down time...

I better post this before I lose it. Everyone have a good day and wish me luck on the "back 40" project.

Good morning!

Tatoulia, thanks for the encouragement. Genetics says this won't pass but can be managed. Just a little sore this morning.

I am trying to get a productive start to my day. Usually I try to be quiet in the morning because Dh is sleeping, which means I mostly sit on the couch and go onl8ne or look at lesson plan stuff and I wake up slowly, but he still says I "bang around".

When he was gone I got a lot more done. Mornings are usually when I have more energy and optimism.

I decided to just go ahead and bang around this morning and see what happens. I have washed a load of laundry and it is in the dryer. I unloaded the dishwasher and put dirty dishes in it (a few are still soaking). I put three bags of recycling in my car to be dropped off this morning, and I started the fire in the woodstove.

Now I am very awake and going to start lesson plans and do my chores.

Thank you for your support, SubC. I do love my new quilt. So pretty.

I'm sorry about your hip! I went through a phase about ten years ago where my hips felt like they were burning and it was hard to sit. And then it passed.

I saw mom after work tonight and we had a nice time together. She lived the new towels. I cleaned her cat's box and hung out. I went to the grocery store afterward.

I cannot wait for my cleaners this week. I don't know which day they are coming. Having two cats here made a mess.

I'm tired all of a sudden. I'm not sure why. Goodnight dear friends. Great work in your quiet day, SubC.

I made a fire in the woodstove
I washed the two windows by the tree.
We brought the tree in (it needs time to open before I put the lights on)
I made cheese and gave the sour milk to the chickens and ran the dishwasher twice.
I ran a load of laundry and dried it and PUT IT AWAY.
I did a little dusting and vacuuming as we rearranged the furniture for the tree.
I paid the farm sitter.
I ordered a Christmas gift for Bean and one for my son.

The list of things I did not do is much longer.

My hip got worse all day, but it is not too bad. I made better eating choices.

I did not bring anything new into the house (except a quart of milk)