It is ok I have cried enough for a while.

When I started trying to seriously deal with the stuff, I had to put the brakes on things coming into the house first. Now I need to put the brakes on my time. That doesn't mean I don't get to garden and do pottery and raise goats and chickens and spend time with bean and have a job and go out and do fun things with Dh and visit my parents - it means I don't volunteer to write grants! And I don't try to do all those things the same week or even the same month.

And I need to wean myself off things like the internet that are not good use of my time. (One 12 minute gardening video might be helpful, the third one is procrastination.)

Shoring you up from afar, SubC.

Busy and overwhelmed seems to be how we spend our days.

I am trying so hard to get out of that. And then last night I volunteered to apply for a grant. Nobody even asked me to, I just saw the grant and thought "we (my school) should apply for this." The odds of getting it are low, and I have never applied for a grant, but I just emailed my boss "hey, can I apply for this?" Because....I don't have enough to do?

And I went to the farmers market, and even though I still don't have all of my seedlings in, I bought three more plants. And I let the guy GIVE me three other plants he thought I should try.

Any food plants not planted by Sunday night I am done with - I will still plant some seeds in June/July for fall crops.

Yesterday afternoon I was trying to figure out how I lost control of so many things. I remember looking forward to my 40s and having all these plans, and then I feel like I spent them in survival mode.

And yesterday evening I was working on clearing out a flowerbed by the driveway. In the center of the bed is a tree my grandmother gave me as a housewarming gift when we moved here. And I was thinking how did this bed get so overgrown? When did I give up? And out of nowhere it hit me that my grandmother died. And found myself sitting in the driveway sobbing.

My grandmother died eight years ago. The year my 20 y.o.'s close friend committed suicide and my home became a temporary base for her friend group and their memorial project. My son's freshman year of college - when my sidekick and best help was living away from home for the first time.

And over the next eight years we had 4 graduations, 2 weddings (with large at home events), another kid leave (unwilling and requiring intensive support) for college, multiple moves by our kids with our help, a huge, disruptive, 5 year, hands-on addition project on the house, the loss of my husband's grandfather and the effective loss (his body is here but his mind is not) of a beloved uncle, a new grandson, a terminal cancer diagnosis for bean's other Grammy, the collapse of my heart daughter's domestic partnership and business, covid, and a doubling of my work hours.

(And the small things like a friend on trial for murder, a car that literally and permanently died in the middle of the road 20 minutes from home, a basement that flooded several times, a round of illness that killed half my goats, raccoons that wiped out my chickens, and DD's best friend meeting someone, having two kids out of wedlock (one seriously premature), marrying him, having another kid (also a premie), losing multiple jobs, and filing for divorce with accusations of abuse - dragging my emotionally fragile kid along for the whole ride.)

I didn't grieve, I cleaned out the basement. And then I overfilled it again when we emptied my grandparents' house. And then I just kept focusing on the next thing. I missed my grandparents at the weddings and the graduations, and I pushed it away and thought "this is a happy time, focus on that." Seriously - I sat in the driveway and cried and thought "I never really took time to grieve and heal" and then I came into the house AND VOLUNTEERED TO APPLY FOR A GRANT.

It's suppose to rain this afternoon. I think I'm going to spend the morning planting things and crying.

Hey everyone, I still here. Just busy and a but overwhelmed.

I now have mom's cat here and it is chaos. I had to cancel the cleaners because I have one cat in the closet (her choice-very cute, sleeping on an EMPTY shelf), one cat in the bedroom, and my friend on my sleep away couch. I've told them all that I'm looking for my own place and that money is no object.

I would've never had the emoty shelves if it weren't for my girlfriend. She really did it. Meanwhile, She is slowly gathering things for her new apartment, and thiose things are in bags. I do look forward to having my space back to normal but I'm in no rush to have my friend leave. I enjoy cooking dinner and having someone to share the dinner.

I am overwhelmed. I have too much going on.

We have tomorrow off for Juneteenth.

In mom news, I've been told I have to clean out her closets and so I have to do that on Saturday. I have arranged for her place to be vacuumed and rugs shampooed on Sunday.

I know I have to get clear plastic bins for mom but I'm not sure what size. In order to have them fit in the closet. I do not have the strength to go there tonight. I have to drop off something for her but beyond that, I don't want to go in. I know she misses her cat and the expectation is to send the cat home on Monday. Cat misses her too.

Good morning!

I was a machine yesterday. I made two different pies plus ice cream mix, weeded the garden, used the new electric weed whacker Dh just bought on the fence, cleared a section of pasture that was growing up in blackberries with my scythe, got caught up on dishes, and got halfway through the backlog of laundry.

My upper body is sore! I love the electric weed whacker though - it is quieter, doesn't smell bad, and is much lighter than the gas powered one. Dh says he is very glad that he bought it because it works much better than the gas one - ie, without him. He says next we are going to get an electric lawn mower - haha.

I am also still having trouble with my elbow. I know I am not swinging the scythe correctly. I wish I knew someone who could teach me and correct my form. YouTube is just not the same. It belonged to my great grandfather, but he died when I was in the 5th grade, and I'm pretty sure that one of my grandfather's goals for me was that I never have to do physical labor - I'm not even sure why he kept the scythe. I found it in the garage after he died.

Today I am going to work outside in the morning and then pick up Bean and keep him until bedtime. Yesterday he was finally feeling better. I also have him all day tomorrow.

This morning I sat down on the couch with a fresh cup of coffee and the cat jumped up and knocked my elbow. I splashed coffee all over my shirt and scalded my stomach. 🙁
Hopefully that is the worst thing that will happen today.

Hey I'm here but really will be quick for now.

Friday evening it rained quite a bit here too, and I had been trying to get a carryout pizza but instead spent the time parking on high ground.

Sunday was absolutely blessed; reconnected in person with my nonagenarian friend and her daughter at their house.

I'm starting to leave off my mask some places. It feels weird. I carry them though, and sometimes put one on. It feels like things are returning to normal slowly sometimes and too fast other times.

Accomplishing a few decluttering things, always wishing I could be doing more and doing it more quickly.

Good morning!
Coffee clinks!

Lila, you are doing a good job! And I agree with Tatoulia that moving the things out of your living space is key.

Tatoulia, good job getting rid of a thing you didn't want or need! I'm glad you are still enjoying your friend.

The wedding was lovely! The bride was so happy!

A lot of people, but I think all vaccinated - at least on the bride's side I'm confident, except for a few tiny children. The 5 y.o. took her mask on and off all evening, and a few of the 20 somethings wore one for the ceremony and parts of the reception.

I didn't feel weird about the masks, but I did feel overwhelmed by all the people. Normal for me.

I brought home the program.

We came home to discover that our heat pump is broken and our house was at 83 degrees and climbing. Fortunately it got down to 65 last night, so we opened the windows.

Bean is still a little under the weather, so he can't come today so I'll be mostly outside anyway. If I get too hot and need to cool off, there is always the studio barn - which stays pretty cool due to the large footprint, high roof, and concrete floor, or the basement - still plenty of work to do there!

Wow, Lila, great work! I am so proud of you! You are making space! Amazing! I like the fact that as you take care of something, you move it away from your living space. That is so important. You can immediately feel lighter. I am so proud of you!

SubC that will be fun going to the wedding tomorrow! I have to run my dishwasher every night. More so now that my friend is living here. It's good to get it wrapped up and ready to go each evening.

I got up early and my friend and I ran errands all day and it was great. So much fun. We went all over, in the car til about five, then we came here and had dinner (salad and quiche), then we walked downtown and on the way back, we stopped at her new apartment building and it is fabulous. I think I told you I lived in that building before I bought my place here. I loved that building and I'm so happy for her. One of my friends had dishes for her so we stopped by to pick them up. We also did some furniture shopping and we did some other shopping. Very nice time together. We stopped in a small upholstery shopping and I will have him re do my small couch for me. Great time all around.

My feet are tired! I'm just out of the shower and I'll be going to bed soon.

Cm how are you? I loved Subc's comment about bad weather friend.

Oh, I noticed that the thing I keep my tooth brush in was chipped. Might have happened when cleaners were here, then again, it could've happened a while ago and I just didn't notice. It's an old antique milk glass. I have two (not same design) and so I went to toss the chipped one and my friend said you can still use it and I said yes, but it's chipped now and I bought it at good will and I don't need to have something chipped that I have no attachment to.

I've come a long way.

hi guys, thanks for asking about me. I stayed pretty stuck until today. I feel like I did nothing (again) so it helps to type out what I DID accomplish.

Today I boxed up the glasses and dishes that were on the floor of my bedroom all year (because of autistic kid breaking things) and labelled them with a sharpie. I am about to ask my son to take those 2 boxes to the garage for storage until it feels safe to bring them back up. Until then, we eat off of plastic. But at least I won't be tripping over those dishes day in and day out.

I had a dog food bin in my room and we got to the bottom of it, so I asked my son to pour the dog food from the dining room into it, and moved it out there. Then took the old, bigger bin from the dining room and asked son to wash it to put downstairs to store things in. So now there is more space in both places, and no more dog food bin in my bedroom.

I threw out some trash and a sock with a hole in it. I took all the bottles of prescriptions (from months... like 20 bottles), consolidated meds, threw some out, and got it down to about 7 bottles and put them in a safe place.

I did my laundry. I have 3 empty boxes in my room and moved them over to a corner, then used one of them for those dishes I moved. Picked up some papers and sorted them, picked up some index cards that had spilled, folded a few washcloths and put them away.

Okay, I feel better now!

So, I got out in the garden this morning - all the eggplant and most of the basil drowned, but the rest of it isn't too out of control - I should be able to catch up in the next week or two.

The first tomato plant needs a stake.

I got the barn into a condition that didn't embarrass me (not clean or orderly, but not appalling.) although that partly involved tossing stuff into two wheelbarrows an rolling them far away 😳🤫

And the goat headed off to his new home.

I cut up the cherries I picked over the last two weeks (they added up to enough for a pie and are sitting in sugar in the fridge)

Dishwasher and washing machine running, and I feel less overwhelmed.

Tomorrow the whole day is basically dedicated to our best friends' daughter's wedding/mass/reception.

But I don't have to do anything for that but dress up.

I don't feel,productive, I just feel exhausted. And overwhelmed, and chronically behind on everything.

Yesterday at 3:00 I had so much time left to do things. But I decided to take half an hour and watch some comedy. And then it started raining. Off and on, but it was so hot and humid...

But I didn't do anything in the house either. I just binge watched. I did load and run the dishwasher and do chores, but I'm milking now, and I can run the dishwasher once a day and still fall behind on dishes.🙁

Tatoulia, you are doing great! Tillie would be very proud of you.

Hi CM, my bad wether friend 😉

Lila, Julie? How are things going?

Wow! You did a lot, SubC. Amazing! I love having a productive stretch like that! Way to go! Sorry bean is feeling crummy. Disappointing for everyone. Poor little fella!

I'd like some of your ice cream, if you don't mind!

Lila how are you? Have you been able to unstuck yourself at all?

Cm we had terrible heat here. So much so that I didn't go into the office on Tuesday as I knew I wouldn't be able to walk in. I went in today and it was delightful to be there. It is pretty cool out and I was happy.

Nothing much to report here. I am using the designated spots for my stuff and I am much happier. I cooked a delightful lemon asparagus pasta dish tonight. With help from my friend, all dishes are in the dishwasher and the counters are clear. My cleaners came today while I was at work. The noise is really clean.

I made a presentation to my department yesterday and it went very well. I do not get nervous before these things but afterward, I was exhausted. I slept and slept and slept.

That's all the news. I'm keeping up with things, and that makes me very happy.

My evaluations are done with two hours to spare!

Next up - my barn! Somebody is coming to buy a goat tomorrow.

The lockers are out of my wall! I love the space! I am going to have 18ft of 18" deep 5' tall shelves.

I took a full carload of recycling. I got lost twice. There was horrible traffic and road construction. The nice lady at the recycling place gave me directions for a better way home.

Bean has a fever. He feels crummy. He was supposed to stay over for the first time tomorrow night so his mommy and Daddy could have the night off and stay out late, but now he isn't even coming.

The restaurant was ok. We did get a booth. It was nice to have the pizza really hot.

Tomorrow I finish the evaluations. They are due by 5.

Ice cream made
Car loaded
Heading out.

Picked the cherries. Time to get out the ice cream maker.

Ok, you are going to see a lot of serial posting today.

I have cleaned out the car. Now I can start loading it with things to recycle.

CM, I have hot AND rainy!

Good for you getting things done.

I have 14 more evaluations to do by 5 pm Friday, but I am taking a break today to focus on other things (I might do a few later, but no goals on those today. I am sick of them!).

This morning I'm going to pick cherries, make ice cream, and clean out my car. I'm going to gather up a bunch of recycling for the recycling hub, go to school to check on the remodeling project in my classroom, unload the kiln, drop the recycling, and ...

Take a big step...

I am meeting Dh for pizza at our favorite pizza place.

The tables are pretty spread out, the booths have high backs, and I am not going to be around my students this month.

Wish me luck on filling the car with stuff that can go to the recycling hub. I have four 40lb feed sacks ready to go, but I am going to spend time sorting out more stuff.

Well, it's now HOT here instead of rainy! 🥵 Knew that would happen!

But I'm getting a few things done. Monday I went out back and planted the survivors of bedding plants I'd bought in April to recently. Most had survived. I cleaned off the patio some too.

Working on what I can find the concentration and time to work on - not rapid progress but less stagnant than earlier in the year.

June calendar has filled up plenty. Could be worse - I'm trying not to commit to anything else.

Laughing because somehow my serving bowl became a starving bowl.

Bean likes to sit in it. When he comes on a non rainy day I'm going to take it outside and put water in it for him.

All the company is gone, but I am still so tired.

Today is day one of the evaluation death March.

Quick drive by. I'm here and doing well. Just very busy!

Lila, be gentle with yourself. You made a big push with a lot of progress. We all need lulls to recover.

I slept in a little bit, but am still exhausted.

Dishes have piled up a bit, but I'm surviving the inlaws. It's been good to see my boy interact with bean. He burst in and (unaware Bean's paternal aunt had married recently) yelled "it's your favorite uncle!" I said "he has another uncle." And my son's face fell "he does?" After I explained, he put his grin back on and announced "it's your favorite uncle -name-"

Mil and fil brought us many things - some fabric, three throw pillows, a large metal starving bowl, an antique bracelet, and a beautiful coffee table made by fil.

I gave my little Dd my houseplant teacher gift.

My new chicks are doing well and much of the crew is working on building my new chicken tractor. No progress has been made on thank you notes or evaluations.

I have stayed frozen about the room all this week. I had more pressing things to deal with, plus pain in my knees making it hard to walk. Today I have nothing planned but have sat here all day doing nothing trying to get the inflammation down in my knees so I can walk. I have zero motivation to clean anything. Bummer.

Thinking. I can re-list the rest of my for sale items one more time. I have 2 big boxes of books in my room. I already sorted them and they have sentimental value and I want to keep them all. I already took 2 boxes to my volunteer office.. I don't know what to do with all of this. I guess I will re-sort. Some of them have handwritten notes in them so are more important to me to keep at home in a special spot. I have 2 book shelves in my room, both pretty full. I can look through and see if anything can be donated. Maybe take one more box to the office. They are taking up a lot of floor space.

I have piles of stuff between my bed and closet. I worked SO hard clearing enough space to get into the closet, but there is still a big set of stuff in between. I really need it gone but I don't know how. Maybe I need to move the rocking chair to the other side of the room where I cleared space, because the chair is piled with clothes and stuff and junk all around it. Moving the chair might break the barrier. Been like this for like 10 years or more. If I move it maybe I can get that area cleaned and get my clothes put away in a way that is easy to access.

Goid morning!

Hi tatoulua!

Lila and Julie, how are you doing?

CM, I'm sorry about the money. I can't find the old saucepan I use to scoop feed, and that us driving me crazy and it's a lot less than $60!

I made it through the school year and the first night of my inlaws visit. My boy and his wife arrived in the wee hours of the morning and are (i conjecture) sleeping. We just left the doors unlocked and the lights on.

I was too tired to be really sad yesterday. I still seems a bit unreal - as if we will have a break and then the same kids will come back to me rather than new ones.

I have a huge pile of boxes I brought home from the classroom. They are going to tear out my lockers this summer and replace them with shelves (something I have wanted for a long time!)

Dh put some of the clean laundry away while I was at school and we got the beds made last night. I still have thank you notes to write, 22hours worth of evaluations to do by Friday, and a lot of catching up around here, but I will probably be by a bit more.

Hi Tatoulia, thanks for understanding. I mean, I won't claim I don't spend a little money on fun stuff like a doll now and then, so I'm not meaning to sound all wah-wah woe is me like about it. But it is annoying.

And one of the annoying things is simply the memory blank around the entire business. But I suppose that is not just limited to ADHD folk - if everyone remembered everything they did with everything they had or where they went and such, then nobody would accidentally lose anything ever. That'd be nice.

Yesterday around here was crazy. It was my payday, and I had my bill paying and errand running plans ready to go - and then roommate's bunny was having tummy trouble. He rallied within a few hours, thankfully, but it just threw the day off. There were other glitches too. But today is a new day.

The weather is finally nice! I'm hoping to do some work in the storage unit.

I have so many zillion items on my to-do list, which incorporates my own personal goals and goals for the household and yard etc. But as many as I can think of have been jotted down so they won't get forgotten - if I can just remember to look at the list. And some of them from the last couple of days did get accomplished so were able to be deleted. We put roommate's old lawnmower out by the curb and this morning the lawnmower fairy had come and got it.

My church sale is at the end of this month so I will focus on what items can go in boxes to go there. This is shaping up to be a busy month. Roommate will have a followup medical treatment for the stuff from last year - an easier thing, no radioactivity concerns. Toward the end of the month. I'll also have one overnight at the bunny shelter house that week. A single overnight won't be as tiring as an entire weekend.

My sewing group will resume on the 18th. Excellent timing for getting quilt progress made.

Etsy and such - oh yeah, I've thought of selling things I make. My Barbie and other doll clothes I think I'll be able to sell directly on Facebook for one thing, and I hope maybe I can make my own website for my artistic and crafty endeavors. Squarespace or something like that.

The public library has some computers and tables with social distancing, so I'll also be able to get away for some writing and research time when I'm not doing storage unit and stuff around here. I know I need to focus a lot on decluttering, yet I need to maintain a connection with the passions that drive me so I keep in mind the WHY I'm wanting to improve my life. Otherwise decluttering slides back into drudgery and resistance.

Hello everyone!

Hang in there, SubC!

Cm I'm sorry about the lost money and certainly $60 isn't a small amount! I'd be so upset! I'm glad your soul and spirits were lifted with the quilt planning. There's not a lot of money to be made but would you consider making quilts for Etsy? Some people like quilted pet beds or quilted coasters and placemats. Let me know what you think!

Lila! Great decisions you are making. Any more thoughts about the 20 shoebox bins? Maybe fill 10 with donations and cut your "bin inventory" in half? Just a thought and don't let it cause you any anxiety.

I have a clean bed tonight. My cleaners were here. I'm busy at work but extremely happy.

Haven't found the $60 yet... 😕 sometimes just haven't had the time or thought of it but I did pray the other day and will do so again. Hoping the prayers will lead to a memory about what could've happened. If it is gone and I could know that for sure, I'd be sad but could have closure. On disability "wages," $60 is not totally chump change.

Today I went to the church basement with my graph paper and colored pencils, and drafted out my quilt. The feeling of laying down colors was so satisfying to my soul that I almost cried. Why can't there be a way of making money at it that isn't full of stress, competition, and demands that would mess with my anxiety and ADHD? 😭

Hello Julie!

Lila, you are doing great!

You should be so proud of yourself!

Still swamped. 3 more days of school.

Thank you, it really does help me coming and posting here. I feel SO discouraged today, but I came to post because it helps me see the reality of what I have gotten done. I know some of you can relate. You look at the huge piles and messy room and think, "It looks the same. I have gotten nothing done." So I need to take inventory of what I DID do. That helps me stay motivated.

Yesterday I felt frozen about my room because all my drawers are full of clothes I am not willing to part with but are too small. So my clothes that do fit have been thrown on a rocking chair for months. But there was nowhere to put any of them.

Today I sorted those. I added a fleece jacket to my donation box. Then I went in the spare bedroom (also very cluttered) and opened the closet. I took a box and put stuff from the closet into in: a comforter, some clothes, hats, a decorative pillow. Rolled up a small area rug to donate. I organized what was left and made space for a box in there. (This is great because that closet was full to overflowing literally.) Then I went in my room and boxed up all the jeans that are too small and put that box into that closet. Then I put my clothes that fit into that newly emptied drawer.

I also hung up a couple of shirts. Oh and I took those plates I wrote about a few posts back, and put them into the donation box. Now I will ask my son to put the 2 full boxes to donate in my car.

I am getting down to the hard stuff that I don't know where to put. I actually have a new-in-box record player in there that I have never opened. It's been sitting in there for like 2 years. Heck it might not even work and it would be out of warranty! I also have records that belonged to my grandparents. I don't know why this is such a big hurdle for me but I need to find somewhere to set this up. In my bedroom or in the living room? Not sure. I also have like 20 empty storage bins with lids in there. They are the shoebox size ad smaller ones and maybe 2 a little bigger. They are for sorting but ???? they make me feel conflicted.

WOW! Will write more later! So happy for you!