Hello hello!

Little stressed out today. I'm letting people get to me.

We got out early yesterday then I went to friend's new apartment to watch the truck as she unloaded it. Today she's having other problems with her WiFi installation and other things. She's still waiting for her bed to be delivered. Then we have to go somewhere to get the stuff that is being stored locally. I don't feel like doing any of this. It's rainy and grey and I just want to st any here.

I'm doing laundry to help with my stress.

Going to be rainy all weekend. My mom is also stressing me out. I need a bit of a vacation here from other people's needs. Yesterday after work I had to take something to BF, then help mom with something, then run downtown to help friend (I got there just as she pulled up from NYC,) then I did a bit of shopping with friend then visited BF (brought him dinner) then just freaked out a bit. I'm really freaked out today too. Mom called while I was still asleep and friend started texting while I was asleep then BF stressed me out and all around I am stressed. But it's all Other People's Stress so it's my own fault I feel this way.

That sounds so comforting to be home, SubC. And I love that your mom approved cake for breakfast! It is a joy to be in an organized home! Enjoy your time there.

I was showing BF's neighbor a picture of mom's cat in my closet (on a shelf) and she said, who has an empty shelf in their closet? And I explained that my very neat friend is staying with me and all my closets look like that now with wide open spaces.
My friend and I discussed this AM how well I've kept up with the organizing she did. I put everything where it belongs. Very good for me to live this way.
My friend just sent me a picture of her new apartment. She will go pick up the table and chairs I found for her at the consignment shop. Then tomorrow she drives to NYC to get her stuff out of storage. We have all of her things here in my office area. I was able to give her a quilt and pillows etc. my other friend gave her dishes, which are still in my car. I'm really happy for her. I was able to locate some Pyrex at goodwill for her, too, so she's happy all around. And the biggest thing is she will get her cat back tonight! I'm so happy for her.

Good morning!

Tatoulia, I hope you feel better.
I know you will miss your friend, but think how open and quiet your home will be!

CM, I hope things settle down for you.

Lila, did you take your big lead to donate?

I am at my mom's house.

It was a long day yesterday - starting with a delayed trip due to a raccoon problem that did not resolve satisfactorily and two hours of surprise physical laborers to address it as best I could, followed by an 11 hour drive - the first half in the pounding, sometimes blinding rain, but I am here and get to spend two and a half days in the house I grew up in with my parents, Dh, two of my kids, and my dil.

My aunt and uncle are coming by this evening, and my brother arrives with his kids tomorrow.

I am currently the only person awake, and in traditional me fashion, I am eating cake for breakfast. My mom said I could.

When she gets up we're going to tackle her list. I helped her put some things away in a closet night, and the closet was amazing! Organized, nothing on the floor, and you could see everything - no layers of different stuff. I did laugh because my mom is 6 feet tall, and I had to hand her things to put away because I couldn't reach, my 5'4" Dd called out "can I help?"and I just said "no."

Lila I am proud of you! Good work getting some things taken care of snd out of the house! And I'm sad, too. I'm sorry about your marriage. I found myself in an abusive relationship with my brother and it was hard to extricate but I did snd never looked back. We didn't live together or have the emotions of a marriage and kids, obviously, but it was a good nice for me. I cannot tell you what to do other than to tell you we are here did you!

SubC, I'm sorry about the sentencing hearing. What a terrible tragedy. I was happy hearing about your visitors and your plans!

I know I will miss cooking dinner for my friend when she leaves. What a great time we have had for the past two months!

Cm good to hear from you?hoping we can catch up soon.

Quick check in. I'm here and doing well. A bit overwhelmed with mom and work but otherwise doing great. My friend moves out tomorrow and I don't want her to go.

I have had terrible headaches lately. Also, I have been out of one of my medications due to putting other people in front of me and my needs. My mail order pharmacy felt bad for me and the agent sent it overnight. So at least tonight I'll have all of my meds.

Will get caught up now on reading. Love you all. Cleaners come in AM. Due to extreme heat here today, I gave them the option of coming tomorrow. I went ahead and changed my own sheets today.

Hi, I'm around still, sort of. Got overtired from swimming in the heat the other day. My bunny was under the weather but will be okay.

Last week got so crazy by the end. Storm door handle broken on the front door Sunday, and other misc. nonsense we ain't got time for. 😛

Roommate's medical stuff this week. She is on vacation. Broken door and rainy weather thwarting her project plans.

All these things I'm telling in condensed version and leaving out details, some of which in all the confusion I've forgotten by now anyway. Roommate will go out of town the holiday weekend. If I don't get back to post again beforehand, have a happy 4th.

No new things or commitments today.

Working hard to keep up with stuff - garlic is all spread out on the drying rack now, beets and turnips in the fridge, all the lettuce cut and bagged - and tomorrow we head to visit family so none of it will be eaten until we get back. Hopefully it will keep.

I weeded the garden and finally gave the bunnies their full summer cuts - they've been wearing spring styles, and it has gotten hot!

Today I dropped off the recycling, but I brought home some big pieces of styrofoam (because they should not have been at the bin, but I know where I can recycle them and will go there again in July.) and a metal bar (because it looked useful).

I also made an eye doctor appointment, which is a new but much needed commitment.

Stocked up on feed and hay, worked in the garden, and watched Bean.

I am resisting signing up for the porcelain class. It looks really interesting and fun, and I really want to take it, but I do not have my act together yet. I need to get the pottery stuff I have under control first.

Good morning! Coffee clinks!

Lila,did you mean the other posters? Sometimes it gets quiet in here.

I am maintaining not adding items or commitments.

My dil helped me clip the bunny's nails.

Yesterday I worked my rear off after everybody left. I am trying to get the farm ready to leave in the hands of the farm sitter while we are gone.

I harvested the garlic, but did not finish laying it out to dry. I moved the chicks to a larger pen, but it is still too small. That will be my crisis when I get back. The farm makes new work for me out of existing things every day.

Yesterday we made extra coffee for ds and ddil. They did not drink it all, but somebody put the carafe back on the coffee maker. It is not clear, so I never put it back until it is empty.

I set up the auto start as usual, and this morning I started my day by spending 20 minutes cleaning coffee off the floor and out of drawers. I have another load of dishes...

Also I am drinking a mix of fresh and day old coffee.

We also have a hot water pipe leaking in the basement, but it is a slow leak, and after I cleaned up all the things that got wet, I was able to put a towel under it. There is a cutoff valve, so Dh turned it off for now. No hot water in the downstairs bath, but it will stop when the pipe drains, so no worries about a sudden burst while we are gone.

Two steps forward, one step back....

Today I watch Bean at his house for just the afternoon.

Good evening!

Lila,

I don't understand "where are the others?"

You are doing a fantastic job! Even one shower chair is a big step all by itself!

I would definitely take the recycling and anything else before he comes back.

p.s... I am proud of this so am adding it. He had a broken piece of junk chair in there that he would sit on to put on his shoes. Also 2 more chairs thrown on the couch with boxes. I took that broken chair out, gave my son a chainsaw, and told him to cut it up and put it in the trash! So now he can just use one of the actual chairs.

I also found TWO new shower chairs in boxes and I had my son put one in my car to go donate.

Now I am going to sort my kid's clothes and put together a box to donate. I hope to take a nice big load of stuff to the donation place on Monday.

hi SubC, sounds like some nice family time you had. Where are the others?

My husband and youngest left on their trip, leaving my son and I here with the pets. Yesterday I was busy, but this morning I went to the family room (used to be an actual family room but husband hoarded it up so there was barely room to walk a path). My son and I took out 3 kitchen bags of trash... maybe 4. Mostly plastic bags, napkins, crumpled receipts from the past 5 years, broken pieces of wood. I consolidated his "things" that are not trash into a few boxes and bins. My son and I took no less than 50 cardboard boxes out of the room (it is not even a large room) and he flattened them all so they can't get back in there and put them by the fence in a stack to take to recycling. I might do that later so husband doesn't try to bring them all back in the house.

I would say the room is now about 50% clear. His boxes and bins are stacked in the area near his den. 3 boxes of things to keep were moved to the storage room. Now there are about 10 boxes full of canned goods in there. I want to have my son help me sort it out and put it all on shelves. Then I will have space to ride my exercise bike in there.

I hate and resent his hoard, especially because it is trash and I feel like if he would just throw it out, I wouldn't have to do all of this. My fantasy is to have him gone for a month and rent a dumpster.

Anyway, I'm glad it is partly done, and maybe now I can focus more on my own stuff (none of which, by the way, is literal trash).

Heartdaughter brought her new gf to dinner tonight. Enjoyable chaos ensued. It was fun to see the two grandsons playing together. The little one loves the big one! The gf handled it well.

House is trashed.

No new things or commitments.

Going to a local monthly market tomorrow with dil, so I may buy something. We'll see.

No new things or commitments.

My friend's son was given no leniency or consideration. Maximum sentence.

My heart is breaking for all of them.

Lila, I am sorry. I can't imagine feeling trapped in a relationship with someone I didn't love. I can't offer you advice because things often seem easier from the outside and lives are messy and complicated, but I hope you find a way to choose more happiness.

And meanwhile, I hope you are able to get rid of a lot of stuff while he is gone!

Reading all of this brought tears to my eyes. SubC I feel like my whole life lately is 'sitting in the driveway sobbing for my grandmother'... and all other losses. I hit 50 last year and I am feeling horrified that I wasted so much precious time on being stuck and going nowhere. But then. all of the hoarding and being stuck is really about grief. All of it.

I think I need to divorce my husband. He is so awful sometimes and always in defense mode, doesn't care about me or our kids, he is just really a self centered prick. I remember thinking ten years ago how when our youngest was 12, or 13, or 14, I would divorce him. Our kids would be old enough. It would be my time to be free. Now our youngest is 16 and I am still stuck and I resent him and his hoard so much. But for some reason I just can't go forward. It would be so stressful. It is easier to just sit here and tolerate him and hope he decides to leave on his own. I would be relieved if he found someone new, really. That's such a sad state of misery, isn't it?

Of course, I've gotten no decluttering done since the last post. But he is going on a 5 day trip, so it is my chance to do a purge. I don't really mess with HIS things except outright trash. But I can never get rid of anything with him around because he will pick everything out of the trash to save it and get angry if I throw anything away. Maybe I can get some things gone while he is away.

I am just sad. I tried to talk to him tonight since he is leaving and he was just flat our rude to me. He speaks to me with such disdain. I would leave him in a second if it wouldn't make 2 of my older kids hate me.

Today I turned "find a farm sitter" into "type up instructions for farm sitter" also invited heart daughter out for Friday afternoon, but I don't think either of those counts as an add.

Still enjoying my kids.

New sentencing date for my friend's son is tomorrow.

We had a fantastic day at the zoo!

I love my daughter in law. It's funny, my good friend and I used to say I was going to be an awful mil, because no one would ever be good enough for my boy, but I am so glad he found her.

I did not add any more items or commitments to my life yesterday.

She has an actual donkey. I thought I had mentioned it here - we laughed when they were pregnant because we always thought I was going to be the farm grandmother and we said the baby will come, look at the goats, be unimpressed and say "my other Grammy has a donkey."

I am so sorry your mom is having such a hard time and that it us making things hard for you as well. Hang in there! Soon it will be just you and your cat and no mess.

My kids are here. Zoo with Bean tomorrow.

SubC, that is excellent news that other grandma's health is headed I the right direction. Hopefully you'll find out what it means and then can really celebrate. I didn't understand the donkey reference but what do I know?

Mom found her wallet today. So that was good. She called me at 6:30 this morning looking for her sheets, (linen closet) then called a few minutes later to say that her wallet fell out of the sheets. So problem solved.

Mom called me late last night after I'd been over twice, to tell me she couldn't find her trash can. So she's bombarding me with calls. Another one during the day where she was crying. She is so upset that I cleaned her closet. She is beside herself. Last night when I was there she had already messed up one closet, and then opened a bin from the other closet, where she in turn had added magazines so now we won't be able to find what is in the bin and the top no longer fits.

She called mid day crying about the toaster and the coffee maker and I told her they both work but her outlet doesn't and I suggested I move something and she became very angry and was yelling at me for cleaning up this weekend. Then she called again and wanted a pizza. So BF and I went and got her a pizza and dropped it off.

Kitty is still here, as the exterminators did not come today. I am not happy about having two cats here. I love them both madly but my house is a mess. And my houseguest is starting to get stuff together for her apartment (including some vintage Pyrex I found at goodwill) and the mess is getting to me. And we can't put any of it in the closet because we have a cat living in the closet. So I'm frazzled. I am frazzled.

Cleaners come on Wednesday and I love them for that.

Dsil sent a note that his Mom is "cancer free"!

I am happy for him, but I come from a family with doctors and nurses and cancer, and I don't believe in miracles. So something is off. I am hoping that what is off is that the original diagnostician sucked. Also I am wondering where the words "cancer free" came from, because no good oncologist would say that six weeks after treatment. I am hoping the actual doctor said "no signs of cancer on the scans." And then scheduled a follow up.

But right now, we are all going to be happy! And I am going to believe that some say Bean will tell me "my other Grammy has a donkey."

Tatoulia, it's ok.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but they don't feel like new tears. It's like there is all this sad and angry and frustrated that built up for so long and I just kept telling myself "you can't feel this right now" and boxing it up like when I used to throw things in random boxes because people were coming over or I needed a project space, and then never unpack them and deal with the stuff.

And now there is this giant horrible wall of imaginary boxes and it is taking up too much of my internal space and it is too heavy to keep carrying, so it has to come out. And that is going to mean tears.

Today is going to be a very good day but also maybe a sad day. I get Bean all day including the evening and my boy and his wife are arriving this evening. But also Bean's other Grammy gets her post chemo results today. We are hoping that they will be "there is a good chance you will see your grandson start kindergarten" but they might be "don't make plans for Christmas." They told her 6 months to 5 years about a year ago. Dsil isn't even sure she will tell him anything or the truth.

Yesterday dsil sent a video of Bean standing up all by himself without holding on to anything!

You've had a lot of tears lately, SubC. I'm sorry about that tomorrow is a new day.

Hi CM,

I'm glad you're enjoying your sewing group again.

I miss swimming.

Good luck on just adding back the best things from precovid! Keep making good choices!

Hi tatoulia, good job saying no to cat sitting!

I had a conversation about this with Dh today. He thinks my baseline of things is way too high - as in, not only should I never add another thing, I should drop some. It was also a conversation about other stuff. There was a lot of crying.

I did add one thing to my life today, but no new commitments.

The thing is a piece of tree that is about 8" tall and branches twice to look like a human figure. I noticed it while I was cutting tomato stakes. I have a fantasy of carving it into a little person. (I do not carve - well, I carved a fish once....) or just letting but dry out and someday Bean can paint it to look like a little person.

I finished planting the garden and put up the bean trellis.
I made ice cream
I got much closer to caught up,on laundry and not much more behind on dishes
We had salad with my lettuce for dinner

Hello everyone! Going to be a hot day here.

I've been giving more thought about the conversation of taking on too much. I'm watching my neighbor's cats abd he's very particular about their food and other things. He has a professional cat sitter who feeds them in the AMs and I do the evenings. Cat sitter charges $25 a visit so obviously my watching them at night saves him quite a bit. He and I are not friends and never will be. Nothing in common, live in same building, etc. I only got to know him a bit when I saw he had cats. He had asked me about June and a different trip he's taking in September. And in September, he needs two AMs in addition to the four or five PM feedings. And recognizing that September is when my entire office goes back to work, I just said no to September as a whole. And I did it without guilt.

I felt relieved that I said no. It was a big relief for me. So let us remember that saying no can help lighten our loads.

Okay I have to go run an errand. Friend I'd at brunch with two of her clients and I'm going to run to get a cat scratcher (the cardboard kind) so my mom's cat will leave my furniture alone.

Happy solstice, ladies 🌞

SubC,

Hi Lila, Julie, and anyone else recent or new.

Tatoulia, I hope the two kitties can settle down for the duration. Believe me, I know how crazy it can get when they don't get along. Although just recently in the evenings I've caught ours sitting about two feet apart in perfect peace.

SubC, I can so relate to your grief tale in general; mine goes back over 30 years off and on, and simply has different specifics. It has been noted that grief can be a trigger for hoarding. I believe that for many of us there's just a "perfect storm" of reasons why it gets started and snowballs. Please forgive the mixed weather metaphors there.

As to why we impulsively take on additional things, I guess we can chalk that up to a combination of ADHD, good intentions and wanting to help others or perhaps enhance our own lives (I'm constantly coming up with bright ideas that I hope either will be fun or make money or a combination of those).

And busyness breeds busyness. I know in the last few years it's really become apparent to me how much I've become almost unable to unwind by conscious decision to do so. It's like that button on my internal control panel is broken. The pandemic was an occasion for some reflection on this state of affairs, but more needs to happen in terms of relearning how to relax, and figuring out how to set up a scenario for getting away from the everyday chaos, be that literally or just in the mind.

I'm starting to do pre-covid things out in the world again. But I'm determined to make it different this time around as much as possible. And to do my best to use opportunities for catching up on backlog.

For example, my sewing group resumed on Friday. It felt great to have a roomy place to set up my machine, a huge cutting table, ironing station - just everything not cramped and Jerry rigged and makeshift. I could literally FEEL my ability to do tasks shift into clearheaded focus, my body instinctively move with more freedom and sureness and a memory of how to thread the machine, wield the rotary cutter, etc.

Another example - I'd gone to the Y on Thursday to swim. Felt like I could've swum for hours. And hoping that exercising will be one of the things that helps me become less anxiety ridden, so I can maybe be able to cope with a job or something to make ends meet. And be able to do it without needing medications - in fact, it'd be awesome if exercising could allow me to ditch SSRIs. In a year's time I've gotten down to half the dose, but wasn't sure whether to proceed further with all the crazy going on in my life and in the world.

In other news...

My roommate is going through preparations for a medical scan, followup from the treatments of last year. This involves a restricted diet which is a hassle for her, and this time having to cook more during a heatwave. (Luckily our weather is due to cool off some.) Plus the dog got fleas and the cats got them and at least one bunny. Dog and cats have had treatments, and we have stuff for the bunnies but it'll be tomorrow before I can call the vet and get exact figures for the bunny dosages.

Speaking of bunnies, I spent Friday afternoon and overnight and yesterday morning at the bunny shelter house helping out. Going to do it in August and November as well. The single Friday night deals are much easier than the entire weekend. But I feel for the mother and daughter who do this every day. Especially the mother; it's beginning to wear on her. She's always been an active lady, but she really needs a break. I worry about her.

This coming week is the church garage sale, and on Saturday a baby shower for my cousin's daughter in law. After that, fingers crossed, a clearer calendar for awhile. Roommate will go out of town for 4th of July weekend. Re the church sale, the break in the heat may allow me to get a few more things out of the storage unit. If not, I found out the bunny club will have a sale in the fall.

So this year and this summer so far have been a time of readjusting expectations because of so many glitches in the spring, and the suddenness of many ways life is returning to the pre-pandemic model. I do hope we'll retain some of the things like working from home options (which could be a real blessing for people like me who never did well in the conventional workplace environment).

For the most part in my life, the changes are promising and freeing. Don't know if or when roommate may have to return to the office. Having her working from home has been constricting for me in some ways. Yet not having her stressed out from commuting in the mornings and evenings has definitely been better for her, and for me vicariously since I was absorbing her stress.

Guess we just all have to take things one day at a time.

Good morning!

Happy solstice!

Tatoulia, great job on mom's closet! I hope it was not too hard for her.

The rain actually stopped yesterday, so I got a lot of planting done. I think I can knock out the rest in a couple of hours this morning - two more hills of squash (pushing the season) and tucking some extra pepper and tomato plants in where I have spaces.

Then a few more tomato stakes, bean trellis, and shift my focus to the next area that needs major work. Oh, and the house I guess. Ds and dsil are coming in tomorrow night to stay for almost a week! Dsil requested lots of extra bean time, and Dd said yes!

I had a very good time with him last week. His appetite is still low, but otherwise he has recovered from being sick and is back to his normal, happy self.

Yesterday I did not add any items or commitments to my life.

Okay I worked on mom's closet and it came out well. Not too many fights. Two. I got so much trash out! I filled up three large trash bags and had countless more stuff. The guy had to get a hand truck to take it all away. There's still a giant pile to go. Her rugs will be shampooed tomorrow. Then I can bring cat back.

Going to rest for a few. Have showered.

I understand taking on too much, SubC. It's a natural inclination and I have certainly had times in my life that I cannot believe I signed up for one more thing. And I don't like the feeling of letting people down and I really hate it when I let myself down. Lousy feeling.

I've gotten significantly better on saying no to people and somehow I've been able to do it without too much guilt. There's two women who I've simply blocked on my phone and I'm grateful for that. One woman was taking too much and then she started being cavalier about my time, not showing up, then calling a few hours later to reschedule and still not showing up. So I blocked her number. The other woman sends giant group texts looking for help and trying to recruit people to this or that week's cause. She also is constantly looking for people to confront people (her word; I don't confront) and so finally I blocked her. For each text message, I receive a ton of replies since she sends to so many, and some say please remove me from these texts.

The cats are fine. Mom's cat is very relaxed and using the back part of my apartment as her own. My cat is staying in the front part. No real issues.

Ok I have to go clean mom's closets today. I know she'll suffer during it. I'll try not to struggle with her. I bought four plastic bins with tops. Wish me well.

SubC how was your time with bean?

Good morning!

Tatoulia, how are the cats?

Mine is very stuck to me because of the thunderstorms. So far we have had 4" of rain overnight. Tornado warning (but no tornado thankfully!) and high winds. We are under flood warnings and I think the whole 4" is sitting on top of my yard.

My garden is ok though - the drainage pattern is mostly working, and only one seedling from yesterday got flooded out. There are a couple of tomato plants that need tlc, and I had to put a few cucumbers back on the trellis, but nothing big. The beans area mess, but that is mostly because I am overdue getting their trellis up. Last year they never got trellised at all and I still had beans. They were just hard to pick.

And my basement is still dry. So many things in my life that have been fixed....

Yesterday I did not add any items or commitments to my life. I just planted things. And did chores. And made popovers.

Today I will mostly work inside, although there is supposed to be a short break in the rain midday.