Awww, hugs, SubC. Too much to contend with at once, winter, the chicks, the students, and needing that me time on a weekend and then knowing you won't get it just yet. It's hard to keep our spirits up under such circumstances.

Privacy for work requiring concentration is my biggest challenge, especially with the weather being cold and the days short, and fewer places that I used to go feeling comfortable - parts of the city just seem more desolate and creepy than they used to, and some hangouts are no longer in existence from the pandemic times or even before. This new computer, I realized, has one drawback - because it is so powerful, it consumes battery rapidly so I probably will need to be places where I can plug in. The one I had a decade ago I could use in my car. I'll check power saver settings on this one, and maybe that'll give more options. And for some work I definitely will need a table to spread out more than just the computer itself - books, papers and such.

But perhaps some times I can snatch time in different settings. I was reading a blog post someone had written about where to go to write when you don't have privacy at home, and found a couple new ideas. They mentioned the zoo, which I realized could just be the zoo parking lot so I wouldn't have to spend money, but I'd be away from the creepy urban vibe. The senior center is another place. The library is still good - but I realized things like lunch and restroom breaks are hard to take there because I can't just leave the computer sitting unattended. The zoo idea also reminded me of the botanical garden, another place where I could sit in the parking lot and feel pretty safe. Once in awhile, too, I could even spring for admission to one of these places and have a different sort of creative experience.

For now, it's just an ordinary day at home today. Doing what I can. May do some computer stuff. Yesterday roommate and I made an errand run which started out with hopes of efficiency and brevity, and ended up with occasional confusion and took longer, though it could've been worse I suppose. We did at least get several things done. Bad weather is coming in over the weekend it looks like, hopefully more annoying than actually stressful. I'll monitor the forecasts. And hope it comes and goes and frozen stuff melts off quickly, etc. So this morning I got a few grocery items and filled the gas tank.

Hang in there!

Good morning.

I'm a bit in pieces this morning, so please forgive me if they are jagged, I don't mean it.

CM, your thread idea sounds nice, but I don't have the bandwidth. I still want to get back to the creative stuff thread some day.

I'm really impressed with what you accomplished though. And books! Free books would do me in.

January is dark. The days are getting longer, but they are still too short, so my energy deficit isn't getting smaller, it's getting bigger more slowly.

January is cold, and wet, and muddy.

January is full of evaluations. (I have 12 left to do - 3 or4 hours, plus the 5 hours of uploading)

Yesterday, January brought me a box of baby chicks in which a third of the chicks had been killed in shipping. (I don't think the post office handles them properly. I never had this problem before our little, local p.o. was closed. Now this is the second time I have had chicks show up dead.)

Yesterday I failed to carry through on a (minor, but it mattered) promise to a kid because I forgot something.

Yesterday I had to drag two teenagers down to the guidance counselor. The situation had gone beyond my ability to handle it, but I don't have a lot of faith in the guidance counselor.

Yesterday my sil asked if she and her adult child could come visit next weekend, and Dh said yes and I lay on the couch and cried because it was my only free weekend all month.

My house is a wreck. I dropped the mail in the middle of the floor last night.

My car needs gas. My soul needs gas.

I'm taking the live chicks to school today.

Hey, had an idea 💡

Would anyone else like to have a Cubic Feet Gone Thread in this Daily Chat section of the boards? I'm not one for challenges where I have to make promises ahead of time, but I sure do like noting accomplishments after the fact. Maybe it would be a user-friendly thing to spur us on.

Got rid of some stuff this week!

Roommate and I made a run on Tuesday afternoon to the recycling place, dropping off plastics and cardboard. There is one temptation there - they have shelves of free books... I'm able to resist a lot more than I used to, but someone who was a writer like me apparently had belonged to the Writer's Digest Book Club or something. There were a couple of shelves of how-to-write books. Now, I realize I know a lot of the stuff that is in these books, but some of them are specific to writing craft matters pertaining to my writing that I'd like to learn more about.

So, I went through them and was very discerning as to whether they would be truly useful. I put quite a few back. I also resisted grabbing a bunch on how to write a murder mystery because that sounds like fun and we've been watching Agatha Christie's Poirot shows in the evenings. You know, the creative person's kryptonite, the "maybe someday I'll try that" vague notion, which as we all know is very dangerous - Justin Case territory! But I left them there.

I ended up with three writing books, and then in another section I found a Catholic hymn book to replace one I really like that had that got water damaged some time back. (One motivator for decluttering is to be able to get to my keyboard to play again.)

In years past, I might've carted home a couple of grocery bags full of books. So for me four is pretty darn good.

And, I've been getting rid of books in general. Took about 8 to the senior center yesterday, along with those jigsaw puzzles. About 1-1/2 cubic feet of stuff gone there. And there will be more books and who knows what.

SubC, you had mentioned that January is hard - and I think I know what you mean. I'd been on this initial roll of being relieved the holidays were past and 2022 was behind me. But in some ways I have had trouble getting going - things like the computer work, especially the file directory overhaul which still isn't done. Because of junk piled on top of my new computer! How stupid is that! It's hard not having a real desk and office space - I sit on the sofa and the computer is on a small desk just big enough for it and the mouse. Stuff that is pending either gets piled on the sofa or the computer/desk that the computer is on. I just can't get through it fast enough just yet.

Also, as I mentioned, I was battling anxiety the end of the year, so getting out when I need to is coming along but somewhat slowly - and things like going to the gym are in my mind but I'm not quite executive functioning at my best (which is a neurotypical person's mediocre, probably). I'll get there, poco a poco... I feel so fat and sluggish and I need to push through to reverse that pattern and feel energy and start to see the weight coming off.

Just want to do everything good all at once and there are only 24 hours in a day, and fewer than that actually useful; some things need to be done in daylight which I realize is increasing but not fast enough! Other things around the house get bogged down sometimes - there are ways in which what I can do is inextricably connected with what my roommate needs to do in the same time or space I need to use, which is frustrating. I'm trying to find workarounds as best I can.

So - things aren't bad, yet I just want them to be really great, and I have to be patient.

Way to go road!

Good job on the basement and the clothes!

Also proud of you for adulting!

I did the three evaluations, plus mostly the other six - if one kid is there tomorrow, I will ask him for a missing assignment. If he is not there or doesn't have it, I will mark it missing.

Then only twelve more to do!

Then I have to convert them to PDF, upload them, and stick them in the correct files on a shared drive. This takes about 3 minutes each, so about 5 hours of that. 🙄

I returned the pottery form and left my project drying on my shelf.

Ate dinner. Did chores. Now it is bedtime.

Hi all,

I am about halfway through catching up on the thread. Hope everyone is well and hanging in there.

Tatoulia, do you need a hormone check? I don't remember you talking about crying a lot before. Or is it just current circumstances?

It's mid Jan and I still haven't once used my bright light thing... I don't feel particularly down but usually by February I'm about to go berserk.

I have been working on packing up Christmas and started going through clothing bins in the basement. It was just a few months ago that I was trying to wrap my head around "dealing" With the basement (e.g. emptying out most of it) and now I am starting to DEAL. How about that. As I theorized (for years), I am starting with easiest categories to minimize stress and learn "letting go" techniques. I have been gradually reducing the long neglected laundry room backlog pileup, but still some to go. And now I have started going through the Clothing bins in the back corner of the storage area. I think there are about 10 or the equivalent of 10 large bins. I thought most of it was 5, 10, 15 years old so it would be 90% get rid of, but I am finding some more recent stuff that the H must have put there helping me on some previous occasions and since I am not the one who placed it there didn't remember what was back there. But I am done with one bin, almost done with an XXL bin, and starting the next XXL. So far, I have washed everything and have 2.5 kitchen garbage bags of donations. A couple pieces of garbage. Actually some of the donations are probably rag/garbage but I will let them decide just how bad they are. And I have saved some stuff. My criteria is it can't have stains, need repair, fit weird, look ugly or be too small. Actually, now that I've lost 30 lbs, I have a few things that are too large. What?! This is a new phenomenon. I like it. I had just the right amount of clothing for the Small closet and small dresser And rediscovering all my "lost clothing" is going to screw that up so I will have to do another phase of reducing/selecting when I've gotten through all the bins. Since I Basically only wear jeans and tee shirts and buy a lot at the thrift and discounted discounts on clearance, I don't sweat getting rid of something because of its value. I don't have that much invested so I am not attached into it. Also because I am cheap and fat, I tend to shop for the cheapest thing that will fit me and buy all the purple things generally. So that also makes it easier to let go of than if I was shopping for fashion. As I have gotten older I have tried harder at figuring out what I like and occasionally buying something good that I love but that's rare. If you looked at my Pinterest boards Of feminine body con vintage and haute couture fashion, you would never put it with me. As I get rid of all the extra stuff in my house, I imagine I may get to the place where I will want to make myself over and would buy some new clothes at that point, but for now I am basically dealing with discount kohl's and target mass produced stuff. Anyway! I think I have bagged up a few (5?) cubic feet of clothing leaving the house.

Also worked on 4 baskets piled up in my room of clean and dirty laundry, sorting things, picking up the s5uff that hit the floor while I was still not wanting to bend over, and folding and putting away the clean stuff...

As for Christmas, I am. Mostly done packing up. I got all the "folk art" ornies off the primitive tree and packed up, and 4 or 5 other bins packed up. I still have 2-3 oddball bins to pack up and then the tree with the vintage glass. That takes a while because you have to pack carefully. When I started decorating I did go through some bins cleaning, sorting and purging a little . Very little. I did a little more during the season, and plan to do some more once all the bins are downstairs. Unlike clothing , Christmas decorations is a hard category for me so it's more of a desensitizing project at this point. I think my goal is to reduce a little, consolidate some more, and move the bins back into the corner where the clothes are coming out of, keeping the 4-5 essential bins toward the front in case I keep things simple next year.

I had a few phone appointments with people regarding the "adulthood" documentation for my son and set up a few other appts. I could be in better shape, but I am keeping on top of it for the most part.

Also went to two post op follow up appts last week. That type of adulting is very challenging for me but I got it done and feel good about it. Still not sure about this new doctor but he's ok for now. The main thing I have GOT to get done this month is schedule an appt with nephrologist and reschedule appt for my son we had to cancel in dec due to Covid.

Did a little year end reconciling of my stitching hobby - writing up some plans, tallying spendies for 2022. Ugh! It's about what I was guessing and just a little worse. Have to give some thought to what to budget for 2023. I really want to take a trip Or three this year so... gotta find a way to make that happen.

Alright guys, that's my biweekly TOME. HUGS out to all y'all.

Good morning.

I am tired. I am slow.

The tracking says my chicks will come tomorrow.

I had three evaluations from yesterday that I could not finish because I need to check in with the student in question about missing work. Hopefully all three students will be in class today, because today is my last chance. I have six evaluations I have to finish tonight because I could have the same problem on any of them (but don't expect it) so that is 9 today. I will be staying late at school.

Then I have to go down to the clay studio and return a form my teacher didn't stop me from borrowing. (Studio policy is that the forms don't leave the studio. My project was too wet to remove and the studio was closing - she knows I'm a teacher and couldn't come back in the morning to remove it and finish it before it over dried and cracked. She said "I don't see anything".) so I also need to finish that project today. It will be a late night.

I also still need to do prep for classes tomorrow.

I recycled a bunch of paper when I was getting ready for school yesterday.

Ps CM great work! That's a lot, taking care of the animules!

SubC I have to write the three evaluations for my employees this week. My fourth employee is too new to be evaluated this year.

I did some of what I said I would. But definitely not all. Some Christmas things put away, delicates hung, and now I'll get dishwasher ready. I am hungry tonight. I did not eat enough today

I am glad that I did what I did. I feel less icky about myself.

Okay my Christmas stuff is not away but most of it has been packed. I need to empty the dishwasher and I'm doing a load of delicates that I have to hang.

So here's the deal. It's 10:30p and I can stay up only if I'm doing stuff. If I'm following around on the iPad, then I have to go to bed.

Going to make the last hour of the day count.

Tatoulia, very good job moving the thing on! I'm sorry it was disappointing.

CM, you are doing very well! Bunny cages, magazines, sticking to plans! Especially the planning the thing and then carrying through on it.

I dropped the ball on my evaluations yesterday. It's not too bad, because I did well on the weekend, but I am a bit disappointed in myself.

Bean had a cold, and he was very clingy, and I had things I had to go out and do yesterday evening, and I just couldn't face work during his nap.

I did take a shower while he was napping.

I have ordered chicks and they are supposed to ship this week. Actually they are supposed to ship yesterday or today, so any morning including this one I could get a call to pick them up. I need to prep their home.

I have class tonight, so I will get home late and need to turn around quickly tomorrow to teach all day. It's going to be a full week. I bought bread.

My Christmas decorations will come down Saturday.

I have not been making progress, but I have not been losing too much ground. January is always hard.

Lila, if I won the lottery I'd pay for Cory and some of his team to come help you through the process! 😉 I think what we all kind of have to do, especially if we don't have a lot of disposable income, and perhaps are self conscious about letting someone else see (that would be me for sure), is gradually learn to be our own life coach.

Learn the principles in the abstract, as if we're someone else (so we can be detached from the emotions and able to take in the information with our prefrontal cortex rather than with our primitive brain that makes us anxious and depressed). Then, still in the rational mind and with compassion, begin to impart the knowledge and give the support to our bewildered and sometimes discouraged self as one would to a friend.

It's easier to do once you get the hang of it a little. My explanation sounds more clunky and mechanical than I intend. I actually like the decluttering books myself - these days I don't read that many new ones because it begins to get repetitive, although once in awhile there is a gem. If I find (or remember) anything good from a book, I'll make a point to share a brief summary here. I've found that certain one liners or little mnemonic lists are useful. That way you wouldn't need to read the whole book but might be able to get some benefit from it.

In my own little world right now, my big accomplishment is that I deep cleaned the bunny cages and litterboxes, a task that has been overdue. The weather here today was very good for January, and I'd had this planned, and I stuck to my intention and saw it through.

Doing pretty well on my minimal-buying thing. I think that's the best wording for it. And really there's been very little of the "not 100% necessary" - mainly at the grocery store, which at least means it will be eaten (slowly, because I don't want to overdo!). So not like a bunch of bric a brac or excess art supplies, books, etc., or my usual temptations. Clothes are definitely not a temptation now until my weight gets down some. Which I would like to get some newer-to-me jeans at the Goodwill as my current ones are getting worn. But it may be that I hold off and spring comes and I won't need to shop for long pants until the fall, by which time I better be thinner.

Hope to move forward this week in several areas, including exercise. Oh, and yesterday I had just a few more quilting magazines to flip through, got that done and they are out in my van to be dropped off. A few other things including recycling are in there as well.

I'm doing better on driving, after feeling more agoraphobic the last quarter of 2022 due to stress overload. Still have much to conquer in that battle but the few small wins are refreshing and encouraging. 🙂

I'm actually doing stuff today! I had a second cup of tea, which I think helped. I've been packing up Christmas stuff, just made and ate a salad, and I'm folding last night's laundry.

All in all, pretty good. Going to put the music back on (I was reading a book while eating) and continue on. I also need to get recycling etc out tonight.

Oh! I bought something terribly overpriced at Christmas and it turned out to be a royal disappointment. So rather than look at it and think about the money I wasted, I'm going to package it up and donate it. I cannot let bad feelings clutter up my home. I don't need a home of bad decisions or foolish money spending stay here to remind me.

Good work, SubC!

I'm having a cup of tea. I did finally shower last night. I'm going to put on some music and out those Christmas things away!

Made my stretch goal!
Cleaned up the evaluation stuff and a little extra.
Had dinner and played with Bean.

Now Bean is washed, brushed, read to and tucked in bed.

I need to do my chores.

My cousin im'd me. 🙂

Hello everyone!

Slept hard and late again. Woke up from a very detailed dream involving my mom's family and stuff and my cousin who has always been my "big sister". Thinking it over after I woke up made me cry a little. I tried to call my cousin but she never answers her phone.

Doing evaluations again. I recycled some paper. I have finished my base goal and am two short of my midrange goal. I may make at least some progress toward the stretch goal today. Otoh, house is a mess and Bean is coming in two hours..

Hello everyone!

Good work, SubC! I have moved my Christmas stuff to the dining table and will pack up today. Won't take long. I'll put on music and get that done.


Lila, when I first stopped buying random stuff, I would shop on line, put in my cart, then slowly remove the stuff from my cart and delete it all. You can tell by looking and experience how cheaply the clothes are made and how the fabrics are going to be hot and sticky. The stuff in your home was purchased when things were made better and with better fabrics. So give it a whirl! Shop those piles at home!

I liked Subc's thoughts re the shoes not working out in the end due to age. So see what you can do. I like your plan!

My issue was never clothes. I have never been a clothes horse I buy the most expensive well made clothes I can and have very few. It's the way my mother had us do things and it stuck. Now to lose another 20 so those beautiful three dresses I bought in March of 2020 will fit! Some I didn't wear because of the pandemic! Would be a thrill to wear one for this year's March birthday!

This isn't an easy thing but I stopped buying off of Amazon about four to five years ago. Listen, I love my kindle and get my ebooks there. I have Amazon prime for the video and my brother uses it to buy his things. I am fortunate to have easy access in the city to things that I want and I have the lifestyle to support buying local and at a higher price. I know the luxury of this and I do not judge people who buy from Amazon. I am so unhappy with the quality of goods and I have always enjoyed second hand stuff.

My goal today is to put away Christmas stuff. Yes it's 120P and I'm having my first cup of tea.

I have spent the whole day doing evaluations.

Literally:
Chores twice
3 meals
Two loads of laundry
One load of dishes
One trip with firewood
Keep the fire going
A couple of short Internet breaks

And evaluations. In the last 12 hours.

Now I am having a glass of wine.

Lila, I can give you this on the shoes - I have kept "just in case" shoes so long that the rubber/plastic on them aged and broke within the first few times of wearing. You are a kind and generous person. You will be so sad if that happens - you will still have no shoes and the person who could have used them when they were still good didn't get any shoes either.

Not ordering any more clothes off Amazon is huge. Huge! Good for you! I am super proud of you if you can do it. I am proud of you just for trying. Free your energy! Save gas! Save money!

I hope you had fun with acorn and tot!

Thank you Tatoulia. It brought tears to my eyes, reading what you said. I tend to feel the same, overwhelming panic I had 30 years ago when I had no money to get what I needed. I look at the stuff and just about come unglued thinking of giving it up. In fact, I keep ordering clothes off of amazon and then returning them. It is taking up a lot of my time to buy those clothes, get them, try them on, hate them, pack them back up and drive to the store to return them. And this, when I have so many clothes piled on my furniture, packed in tubs and boxes, filling every dresser and all my closet space. So I'll tell you what. I will promise not to buy anymore amazon clothes. If I have a real NEED for something, I will go to a real store, try things on and buy it. Since I hate doing that, there is no way I will do it unless I NEED it. I have 3 items I can return so I will pack those up and return them and not order anymore.

As scared as I am about the shoes, I will lean into your words and try. Last year I had more shoes... maybe some of you remember me sorting them, trying them on, walking in them, then giving away 2 or 3 pairs. I still have more. I do feel like I have to try them all on again and walk in them but I will promise to pick the ONE pair of those "extra sneaker pile" sneakers to keep and donate all the rest. Even though some are new. I have had them over a decade. Sigh.

I am going to TRY to do more of this. I think maybe a key for me is to throw the donate stuff into the back of my car and donate it right away before I start having second thoughts.

I pried myself off the couch when houseguest got home, and put a dessert (from a box) in the oven, cleared the table and wiped it off. Houseguest left to run an errand so I am back on the couch. Will start cooking together when she gets back.

What are the rest of you doing today?

Thank you both for telling me more! Very good visuals for me.

Lila, and I'm not being flippant, you do not need the just in case things. You dint. You can have one and a backup but not six. I have not needed one thing that I have gotten rid of. i may have thought of a purpose for something I got rid of, but that is not the same as needing it. I could've used it for XYZ but now that it's gone, I'm good. Clearing out the clutter has taught me that I need so much less than I thought. And open space comforts me.

The fact that I could use it someday doesn't make up for the 10 or 20 years that I hung onto the thing and did not use. It doesn't.

I understand your reluctance given you history and know that I am making this promise to you. You do not need those things. You don't. I will hold your hand, I have been thought this so I now the feeling. The Justin case stuff can go. We are living now, not later.

Sending love and hoping you can read the love in my tone of voice.

Interesting. I have a real physical inertia problem as well. I often think, ' a body at rest tends to stay at rest' sums up my life. I think and decide and then just... don't move. Maybe if the doorbell rings, or my houseguest walks in and asks me to do something, it might trigger me to get up. Or it might not. I have said "no thanks" to very nice invitations from friends and family, like 'will you play a game with me?' and then later I regret it so much that I cry. I often drink coffee/caffeine to try and force myself out of the inertia. It works less often than it used to. A side note, two of my kids are on the spectrum.

I have so much to do and I struggle to get any of it done. But, tonight Tot and Acorn and parents are coming for dinner, so I have to clean off the table and make dinner. But I sit here at 3:00 thinking, ugh. And not moving. I just drank a half cup of coffee to see if that helps. But I feel like an actual rock on the ground. How the heck can a rock get up and move?

Anyway, when houseguest arrives back from the store they will want to help me cook and prep, and that will be my 'push' to get up off this couch and start clearing the table and cooking.

I wish there was a written guide to digging out of the clutter. I know there are books, but I don't have any desire to read books. I want a list. Do this first, do that next. I want a promise from someone that if I get rid of all the 'just-in-case' things I've saved, I won't suffer from not having them. I want to have enough money that those things don't matter anymore. Having 6 pairs of sneakers that I never wear 'just-in-case' I am so broke I cannot afford shoes (which has happened, and really with my very part time job and very limited income, is a possibility) is no fun and is actually clutter in my bedroom that drains me terribly. I saw a 'reel' online the other day that said your bedroom is a reflection of what is going on in your mind. In which case, wow, is my mind a complete wreck... disorganized, tons of stuff I can't use, not enough things I need, can't find anything. Yep, that's my mind.

Tatoulia, There is an actual physical inertia that is really strong.

Autistics (and my undiagnosed potentially borderline self) fall into a deep groove where it is very hard to stop and change direction. Even if the thing you are "stopping" is doing nothing. Even if the thing you are stopping is unpleasant.

It's as if your battery is dead in your car. Your brain is the key, and it turns (ok, I really want to get started on these evaluations) and then "click, click, click" nothing happens. It's not that you are deciding to put the thing off, it's that you are deciding to do the thing but your body just won't do it. You need some kind of external stimulus (jump start) to make yourself go.

It's weird, because sometimes you can use your brain to create the external jump start, which is one of the things I'm trying to learn to do. So you explain to yourself ok, I am going to get up, get my notes, and work on the evaluations as soon as the cuckoo clock cuckoos. That's my transition point. Cuckoo - evaluations. And then you sit there for five more minutes, and the cuckoo pops out, and brrrrmmmm, the key turns, the motor starts, and off you go.

Then, I was writing evaluations and my body hadn't moved for a long time and I thought "my legs are going to sleep. This is uncomfortable. I really need to get up and move." Nope. Ok. 2:00 even if I'm in the middle of a word, I stand up. And I did.

Stress makes the inertia worse.

I'm also trying to enlist Dh "if you get home and I am on my computer not working, please take it away for five minutes."

Hello everyone!

Lila, that is so upsetting. Very upsetting. I would feel invaded. Yes on changing the locks! What a bizarre situation.

Tell me more about stopping and starting, SubC. That is an interesting topic.

I stayed at work past 8 last night. There were fires to be put out and I handled them well.

The person at work being mean apologized in writing (I had called his manager to say that I will not be talked to that way and that his employee is not embodying out core values). I had ignored that aspect of it and sent a new email to everyone just dealing with the issue at hand and not the rudeness. I didn't want the person's nastiness to be part of the email chain. In response, the person sent a sincere thank you. We corresponded quite a bit into the night while I tried to solve the work problem. Yesterday he video called me again to apologize. So I thanked him for being a gentleman and was glad to have that resolved.

I didn't visit my mother yesterday. I ended up taking the subway home and even though I was right there, I decided to just go home.

Lila, Lila, Lila!

I missed you. 🙂

I am so sorry about your home being invaded! I know it can take a long time to feel settled and safe again after something like that!

Excellent job on the living room!

I slept far too late again this morning.

I feel crushed under the weight of the evaluations. I know I have to do them. I know I will feel better when they are done. I am just struggling to find the strength to push through.

I stayed to do them last night and it took me a long time to get set up and started (i procrasticleaned in my classroom) then I got on a roll, but 4 in I looked up and realized the snow was sticking to the roofs outside and it would be dark soon - so home went Subclinical.

Starting and stopping things is really hard for me. I've been reading a really interesting research article on that trait in autistics. It's interesting because I relate to it and it has some possible coping suggestions. It's also long and technical, so I am reading (and rereading) a little at a time.

Well hello friends. A whole new thread - has it been that long? I actually sat here and read it all and caught up on all of your lives. I feel your pains, your sadness, your victories and disappointments. I feel your fears and joys. There is too much to address each one, but know I care and did read and feel like you each shared your lives with me.

I had a very difficult couple of weeks. The summary of difficult is that my ex from decades ago, father of my sons, just showed up IN my house. In. Uninvited, did not knock, brought his kid from his new marriage. I guess he heard about my dh leaving so felt he could just walk right in and no one could stop him. I wish my dog had not been crated in back because he NEVER would have gotten in here. It was terrible. He was abusive when we were married. I felt traumatized. He did not "do" anything but walk in and make himself at home during our adult son's birthday party to which he was NOT invited. I had guests, I was shocked, I was so taken aback I could not speak or put him out. I cried about it for days. I am changing the locks and told all my children he is never to be in my home again. Aside from that, I had cousin here for a week which was a nice visit but crowded. I still have my other two house guests and I adore them as friends. It is just hard having every square inch of space taken up with their things and having very little time alone. But I do enjoy them very much and it is no hardship, but a gift. I will miss them when they go, but will be glad to have room.

The good: I got to have Tot and Acorn over a few times. I went to visit them as well and volunteered in Tot's pre-k. I am excited about the new teeny surprise coming at the end of summer!

Also my tv broke/died a couple weeks ago and I finally found one on clearance and had it delivered today. This meant I did some good things!

- gave the dead tv to Cousin to either fix or dispose of
- took everything off the tv stand (this has not been done in YEARS) and dusted it
- moved the tv stand and vacuumed/dusted behind it. The amount of dust and dog hair was astounding!!
- cleaned the wall behind it
- put it back so it is ready for the new tv to go on it when Son gets home.

I guess this means my living room is the cleanest it has been in years! Behind the tv stand were cords and plugs and wires all coated in hair and dust. I have everything separated out and before anything goes back on the stand, it will be wiped down.

More to come! Looking forward to posting more regularly this year.

Tatoulia, I do not like all these people making you cry! I hope you are feeling better today.

I am crashing a little bit this morning. But not as bad as it has been. I am still trying to hydrate regularly and appreciate not having a headache. I didn't realize how often I was getting headaches until I thought about it Tuesday when I had such a bad one. Rest and water!

I did not do that last evaluation last night. I went to bed. I am trying to be less tired. I thought I might do a couple of evaluations this morning, but instead I have been drinking coffee, eating breakfast, and reading chat boards. I did take my vitamin.

My brain has felt a little less frozen this week.

I don't know if I will stay after today to work on evaluations. It would be a good choice, but also, it is Friday. Dh is working from home today, maybe he will make dinner?

Hello ladies! Thank you for your support I appreciate your kind words. Thank you so much.

Cubic feet! Amazing, CM! SubC you did a good job rolling with the punches and getting things done!

I got upset tonight about work and was crying and plus my sister is making me cry and BF is making me cry and then I thought BF was being mean to me and so I cried and then left my phone off the hook and closed the iPhone and then eventually put it back on and he texted me that he's going to shower and come downtown so we took took bags of donations from my house to the car (yay!) and then we visited mom. So I too gained some space, ladies!

My Christmas stuff is in my dining table. I need to put it away tomorrow.

I cashed in ten vacation days from last year so I'll have a double paycheck tomorrow. Usual two weeks plus the cashed in two weeks. Will put the extra step into savings.

I'm on no spend January btw, and it's going just fine. I never want to buy stuff again.

Thanks for being here for me. I appreciate you all so much.

I did really well today.

This morning before school I finished yesterday's evaluations. I also remembered to put the laundry in the dryer. I brushed my teeth and took my vitamin.

I also dropped off trash and got gas.

My friend stood me up.

I finished checking most of the notebooks.

I stayed after and finished seven and almost an eighth evaluation - (which is not nine but not awful.)

The restaurant was closed due to power outage.

We tried another place, which was meh and kind of expensive. I lost my phone in Dh car (we drove together from one restaurant to the other, then back to my car) realized it was gone after he drove away, went back to the restaurant, didn't panic, came home, called it and found it under his seat.

Did chores. Took shower. Might do another evaluation.

Carry on..

CM,

Anything that can be measured in cubic feet is worth bragging about! Nice job!

I'm staying at school and working on evaluations today and then meeting Dh for dinner on the way home.

Mini brag time -

I took the quilting magazines to the library on Tuesday! They amounted to a couple of cubic feet gone. I realize that offloading things like them that were only ever going to be transitory anyway is not as big an accomplishment as getting rid of things that have been around a long time and that I wasn't sure whether or not to keep, sometimes painfully unsure. But it's still an accomplishment. And as always, clearing visual clutter and freeing space, and the satisfaction of ticking it off the list, makes it easier to deal with other stuff.

Tatoulia, I hope you will be able to pass the time and not feel too sad or lonely. I remember when my former boyfriend used to go out of town even for short trips I found it hard. Staying busy helps though, and treating yourself to fun and soothing things, whether it's an afternoon at the art museum or a bubble bath or whatever. And girlfriend time with Emiko. And kitties.

My week has had more things in it than I'd like, though admittedly I prefer a very open calendar so even one obligatory thing per day seems like a lot. Today and tomorrow I wrap up with giving around 30 bunnies their mani pedis at the shelter. Certainly there are worse obligations a person could have. Next week I'm hoping will be more flexible. I've been wanting some more library days. The holiday eliminates one potential day but it's okay, should be others. I'm glad the days themselves are on a lengthening trend.

Good morning.

I am trying very hard not to crash today. I am wishing I had given myself one more hour of sleep though.

Yesterday I did pretty well. For a start I went the whole day without having a headache. I'm trying to pay attention to my water intake. I remembered my vitamin. I taught all day (including adding a new student), loaded the kiln, loaded and ran the dishwasher, cut Dh hair, and ran a load of wash - I put it in the dryer this morning.

I intended to do ten evaluations, but I only made it through six. I currently need to complete nine a day to finish on time - or about 2 hrs and 15 minutes a day. That is too much for school days, so I will have to do more on the weekend. I tried staying late so that I could pop over and look at the shelves while I was writing the pottery ones. That worked pretty well and there are fewer distractions and temptations. I will probably do that again tonight.

I have still not cleaned up the house from the Monday play date. Or made progress on Christmas decorations. I am keeping the house pretty much in balance though. Sometimes holding the line is enough, right?

A former student friend is coming to eat lunch with me at school today.

Tatoulia, that is a good reason to be sad.

You will miss your bf. It is both possible and reasonable to be happy for someone else and sad at the same time. I know. I've got two kids who have good lives in other states.

5 months is a long time, but it will go faster than you think. We will keep you busy taking care of us.

Yesterday was a struggle and I was tired and my head ached, but I got all the wednesday notebooks checked (well, I have six kids who didn't turn them in - so, conversations on that today) and I have most of today's lesson plans done and on the board (a little easy prep to go)

I thought about skipping my own class, but it was the first night, so I decided to push through and go for the intro and demonstrations. I'm glad I did, because once I got to the studio, my headache slowly went away, and I ended up staying and making a little hanging bowl and getting a lot of good ideas.

And I feel better about myself today because I succeeded at some hard things.

I got a catalog in the mail yesterday with some very pretty and absurdly expensive things in it. I'm keeping it for a while for some inspiration for my clay work.

Great work in the magazines and the newspapers, Cm and SubC! Very proud of you,

I have all my Christmas stuff on the dining room table, so that's not actual progress but it is something.

I am overwhelmed with sadness for no good reason. I mean there is a reason but it's not a good one. BF is going to go home for several months. I am so happy for him! He's got a lot of work to do there in his properties and also needs to spend some solid time with his family. He is the only one in the US. I've met two of his sisters and his brother over the years. I am so happy for him and am very excited. But then the sadness creeps in. Right now he's thinking of about five or more months. I can do this, I'm just sad about it. He doesn't have his departure date yet. The only thing I ask is that he come back. He's not selling his place here. I do not want to impose by asking if I can visit. He has not been home in 20 years. Not time for me to make it about me.

He told our friends at Christmas and they were happy for him. He said he's sure they will take care of me on my birthday if he's already left. We discussed whether my cat will still be alive and we decided that if she's still okay, then I will have my friend Emiko go with me if at some point I need to put her to sleep. Weird what the two of us are worried about.

My heart is sad but only for me. I have been sad about how much he has worked and not seen his family in so long. So now my heart doesn't need to feel sad for him. And I'll be fine. I just need to cry a lot.

Lol Tatoulia, I need to sleep more.

CM, nice job on the quilting magazines! Remember my pile of local interest magazines? They are still coming in every month, but my pile is down to ten - including the current month. I have set a goal to clear out at least two each month, so that by fall I will have only the current month.

The play date went great yesterday. I miss having a house full of little kids. It's fun and I'm good at it. The house is a mess though. I am not good at cleaning up. I remember when my kids were little. the thing is, I'm still not good at cleaning up, but before, I was doing a bunch of stuff that was more important, and now I'm just surfing the Internet.

I need to find some way to keep myself accountable and motivated in the little things. I am so frustrated with myself.

Just a few little things...

I'm finding an item here and there that I'll look at and go "Why didn't I get rid of this a long time ago?" Probably just because it camouflaged itself in the other clutter and I stopped seeing it. Now they're jumping out at me, figuratively speaking.

Also, one good consequence of the hand sanitizer spill (and thankfully it no longer reeks like grandpappy's moonshine still in the living room) is that I shifted a stack of quilting magazines I had been wanting to go through. And guess what - I'm going through them! There aren't too many; they were just the last of a bigger bunch that is already in my van ready to be dropped off at the library bookstore.

So far I've flipped through 13 of them and there are maybe a dozen more. I'm kind of reassessing where I want to go with quilting; in another post I'll elaborate on that - basically I want to simplify what quilts I decide to make. So some of the magazines that had patterns that I thought I was interested in, I decided perhaps not after all. And some I think were just loose ones that got in the batch - the ladies in the guild sometimes bring their old ones to the church and I grab a few to look at. Anyhow, made good progress there.

Made pumpkin pies yesterday since our Christmas didn't include them because we were still tired from the Covid. That gets 4 cans off the shelves in the pantry, too - 2 of pumpkin and 2 of evaporated milk. I can use the space.

Road, I'm glad you are feeling better. I've always bought my mattresses by taking my mom. She broke her back 60 years ago and I trust her mattress skills. I hate buying mattresses. I also buy the most expensive I can afford.

SubC you do have a big play date today!

I have started a second bag to goodwill. My challenge to myself is to get these bags to my car. Now that BF's office isn't just up the street, I just don't go to my car anymore. I need to get better about a lot of things in my life. Getting out more and sleeping less are two things I need to concentrate on.

Hi road! Glad you are feeling better!

We just go to the store and lie on them.

CM, glad your unit will be getting the work done and you feel like you are making progress.

The stuff in piles that falls over is the sort of thing I mean by the "high interest" stuff. If we can get rid of the pile, we will gain back so much extra time that we are spending dodging around it and stacking it back up..

I feel like I made some progress this weekend, but it was all temporary progress - rest, laundry, dishes, baked bread. Nothing that will last the week, or possibly even the day.

I pick Bean up this morning and then the farm sitter is dropping her three until lunch time - likely to make a big dent in the bread and the rest. Dishes are actually already piled up, just not as bad as yesterday.

Off to do my chores and pick up the floor a bit before the big play date!

Hi all, just checking in. Have been feeling very good last couple days. Very little pain. No pain meds. Only issue is I am still really tired and not sleeping well. I finally lost the last of the built up fluid and the expected couple pounds from being sick and basically not eating for a week. So now I am officially not worried any more. I was a little sloppier with what I ate yesterday and I did have some stomach or left flank pain so I will try to be careful still.

The H and I tangled a bit today over responsibilities and his feeling overwhelmed. It does not compute for him that one reason he feels overwhelmed is he has been temporarily doing both our jobs because he really does seem to believe I don't do anything. I hear subc's sage advice from long ago Ringing in my ears... how can he believe when up to now there hasn't been a basis for trust (paraphrasing) so I try to be patient because I know there is truth to that. However, as I do progress my suspicion that he has a blind spot to any Progress is proving out. Luckily for me (?) I have photographic proof.

I had intended to take over all the paperwork/process for my sons social security and other adulthood documents and interface with various agencies/entities, but with my ADD that stuff is challenging and It just seemed like I was repeatedly getting knocked down by health issues... but now I am taking it over. I set up a binder, adding pockets and dividers, Started printing and filling out some documents... etc. it's a very complex process so it requires some org. Luckily the social worker At my sons school is great - very knowledgeable and proactive getting everyone where they need to be so I have help.

I am now officially glad the guys are back to school tomorrow.

So - I decided not to keep the foam mattress I was trying out. I want a conventional, firm box spring and mattress. Any recommendations? How do you guys all go about getting new mattresses?

Oh wow, lots of you or family have been sick - hope all will be better soon!

Roommate and I are still having the post Covid dry annoying cough. She has it worse because everything respiratory hits her hard. Otherwise we're doing okay.

I'm trying to regain equilibrium. Wednesday night into Thursday morning I was watching the livestream of Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI's funeral. So I knew I would be jet lagged! Slept till nearly 2:00 p.m. Thursday. Had a small migraine Thursday evening while roommate and I were watching TV. I do believe erratic sleep is one of my migraine triggers. But all they are really anymore is an aura that lasts 45 minutes to an hour, then when the visual weirdness ends, most of the time that's it, no headache.

I got some things done on Tuesday which was payday; spoke to the manager of the storage unit place and she was really nice. They are planning to do some work on the concrete which might also help where the water tends to pool in front of my unit the most of any of them. And the gutters. I had photos of where the rusted out place is that lets water drip on my head. Concrete work won't be able to be done till warmer weather, but at least if I know it's planned. (Wouldn't it be great if I could just win the lottery, buy a house, have my minimalist studio/residence, and never need a storage unit again, lol?)

Meanwhile, until the lottery comes through, I'm making my poco a poco progress. Pulled out another couple of games from storage, and a few more books. The books are ones that I can part with to the senior center. The games may be donated there or carried back and forth (nice Mexican Train domino set I bought a few years ago which is compact enough to live in my van and I could take it there when I want to play).

These things don't sound like much, but are part of an overall shift which is promising. I'm also doing some in my bedroom which has been such a disaster. It's just in the early stages, but I am hoping to deal with several years' worth of entropy and chaos there.

The shift is simply that I feel more like doing it, like I have the mental bandwidth again and a little energy, and that certain possessions have ceased to feel like they belong in the category of "Mine." What I mean by that is, say I have a copy of a certain book. For many years, that was my copy of that book, and my book collection needed to have it in it. But now a lot of them don't feel like they are as relevant to my current life.

For example, when my parents died in the 00s, I bought a slew of books on grief. Well, Mom and Dad have been deceased long enough now that I am really not needing those books - yet for a long time I guess I thought I might want to refer back to them or something? Because they were really well written, etc.? Or perhaps I even had some vague passing notion of ministering to grieving people. But no. It's a different time, I have different concerns, and such books are more available in non-physical formats anyway. So someone else can be blessed with them now. They will do much more good out in the world than bundled away in a dank storage unit.

Growing up, I just looked at all kinds of items as having some sort of, what to call it, "destiny?" to be my or my family's property. Even silly little things like a particular wallet or nail file or set of drink glasses, piece of furniture - it was OUR red wallet, our drink glasses, our green sofa. Although sometimes we did sell the bigger things and get different ones - but then those became ours in the same way. I guess it's just the comforting familiarity? Whatever it was/is, for some reason in my little noggin, that took on too much importance, I guess.

Anyhow, I'm seeing this "importance of ownership" in my attitude to lots of things that I possess, but the good news is that it is undergoing that shift. I don't have to have this copy of this book, or this sweater, or whatever, just because I've had it for X number of years. It's just a thing. I can decide afresh whether it's a thing that I want/need in my life, or whether the space would be nicer to have instead.

Well, I guess that's all for Critical Mass on The Phenomenology of Possessions for one day.

Another thing that I'll just briefly mention, and that is I just want to get to the point where there isn't so much stuff in piles to knock over. Had another crazy time last night, just when things had been going semi-smoothly. A bottle of hand sanitizer from early in the pandemic - remember when companies were scrambling to make it out of whatever alcohol they could find? This stuff was thin, 80% alcohol, very strong smelling - and I had been using it to clean ink, which it did quite well - but then somehow unbeknownst to me the bottle tipped over onto the carpet! IT STUNK TO HIGH HEAVEN and my poor roommate was coughing her lungs out. I felt so bad! Plus of course it had to make a mess in a place on the rug that had junk piled nearby, and was a pain in the butt to clean up.

So that all was not good for my mood at all. I've been aware for quite some time that clutter begets more clutter, and one of the easiest ways it does that is by causing spills and avalanches. Especially in this small overcrowded house. It can get very discouraging, because I can have a success and then bump into something and make twice the mess I had managed to fix. Being an ADHD klutz too doesn't help, nor does the weight I've regained - I have lost a sense of when I have clearance not to bump into furniture. I'm going to be losing that weight though, I mean to do it. It's not that much, but just enough to change my spatial sense if you know what I mean. The exercise to help with the weight will surely also help me be more graceful. One can hope.

So anyway, this post has been another hodgepodge of scattered thoughts, but I just had been meaning to check in, so it'll do for now.

Poco a poco, ladies!

Tatoulia,

It was ok. I'm just sad for the kid. My boss told me today that my email was "perfect". She is generally supportive, but this may be the first time since high school anyone has referred to any of my work as "perfect" so that was comforting.

I have been doing some reflection and analysis and I have come to the conclusion that I crash on Thursdays. It seems to be a pattern - strong start to the week, crash on Thursday, coast through Friday, recover over the weekend, repeat. I think maybe I need to spend some time working on Thursday and Friday ahead of time so that even if I don't get as many extra things done early in the week, the crash is less hard.

I got a dozen new dish cloths and a box of toys that I bought on clearance after Christmas in the mail today. The toys are to give Bean slowly over time. The dishcloths are definitely a net in though, I need to purge some ratty ones.

That is an upsetting situation, SubC. I'm so sorry you had to do that.

I am more emotional than mathematical which is a hoot because (job hint) I work with math a lot.

So i used to enjoy getting rid of student loans by the numbers rather than by the dollars. But you are correct, in both the short and the king runs!

Cleaners came today. I'm going to clean the cat box, shower and get ready for bed. Back to office tmr. My stomach is somewhat better. I did have a ginger ale tonight. So far so good on the nausea.

Well, I decluttered her.

I tried to send a clear, detailed, but polite explanation of the situation, which also included honest praise for the child where is was deserved and suggestions on making a better fit (than my class)

She told me I'm a horrible person and a lousy teacher (she used more words) and that she is withdrawing him from our school tomorrow.

The email would have been pretty hurtful 30 years ago. Now I'm just tired and sad that she did not advocate for her kid better by communicating before enrolling him.

Set up coffee.
Go to bed.

Tatoulia, a lot of people do it that way.

Anything that motivates you is better than something that doesn't.

It just doesn't make sense to me because it's mathematically irrational - you end up paying more money in total, so it could take longer overall. I am motivated by paying less money over less time.

With the stuff, it's not necessarily the hardest stuff first, it's the stuff that drains my energy the most.

Currently I would like to declutter a parent. She is mad at me. I am possibly more mad at her. We are both mad because we want what is best for her kid. I need to not obsess over this all evening.

Thanks for helping me better understand the credit analogy. Not to muddy the waters but when I had debt, I worked on the lowest amount of debt first, because I enjoy the satisfaction of having the debt extinguished. I think I'm that way with my possessions, too. Working on the easier stuff.

I have at least one bag to go to goodwill. In terms of Christmas gifts, my incoming was one purse, desk items, and perfume and soaps. So nothing that needs any special accommodations. I do, however, have to take a look at my linens including throw blankets and make some decisions.

Serial posting.

I emptied and entire ring binder of old school paper. I did not count the sheets, but I'm calling that enough slack for the rest of the week. It was about 3/8".

Next I need to take care of some insurance paperwork. That would be an example of a high interest item. I know it will only take a few minutes, but the amount of stress and mental energy involved in not having it done is huge and makes it seem like a mountain. So doing it will free up a lot of energy for other stuff.

Good morning.

Once again I watched videos all evening. Once again I am getting up tired. I fell back into my groove like a needle.

I did find 25 pieces of teaching related paper that I could recycle yesterday morning.

I think if I balance my day the next morning I'm going to call it good, because I do better in the mornings.

Yesterday I added 8 more sheets of teaching paper to my life, so I will try to sort the teaching paper pile some more today. Food packaging ebbs and flows like laundry, but it is currently at a manageable place - the scullery has been getting neither notably better nor notably worse. I cleaned my desk at school up a little yesterday and I used the trash can.

Poco a poco.

More about the debt analogy - if you have many credit cards and you are servicing debt, that costs you extra money every month - as you pay them off, you lower the interest and then remove a minimum payment, so you can put more money toward the next one every month and pay off faster. The key is to reduce the total every month.

When I have many many piles and boxes around the house I spend a lot of time and energy moving them and churning through them looking for things. As I reduce them, less time will be needed for churning and moving and so more can be dedicated to reducing. I don't want to spend a bunch of time record keeping, so I am trying to be mindful and reduce the total every day if possible. I know I will have bad days, but if I can do that more often than not, the total should go down every month. And then next year I will have less stuff and more organization and daily life might be less exhausting.

As usual I still have prep work to do for today.

I slept so much during break, and somehow I have already built up a brand new sleep deficit.

I am leaving my Christmas stuff up. I like it. I was going to take it down this weekend after twelfth night, but now we have a concert on Saturday night and dinner with friends on Sunday night and I think I will wait an extra week. Our semester ends on the 13th and I need to get started on evaluations - another thing I didn't do over break. So I will probably be motivated to procrasticlean.

Road - you keep resting! I don't know how old you are, but Dh had his appendix out laparoscopically about 15 years ago and it took him most of the week to recover enough to move around normally. And you don't even use your appendix!

Ok, I'm going to try to address my prep work and see what I can do about those 17 sheets of paper. - most of them were copies to organize records for school.

Road! Be sure to take it easy! Sometimes those shots burn! Truly let yourself heal. Do not push yourself. Do not weigh yourself! You are filled with fluid. Just watch out for your lungs and try to sit up a few hours each day.

You did a good job salvaging your day, SubC. Dear little bean. Glad sil's fever broke!

I did get my wreaths down and out yesterday. It felt really good. I will put some of the Christmas things away soon.

Well dishwasher is ready to be run and I am ready to take my shower. Back to office tmr. I've been worried about my little African violet.

Road, I'm glad you're home and not in too much pain, but that sounds rough! I'm impressed you did anything.

We don't know what sil had. I'm just glad he's getting better.

I went down to the basement and grabbed six old seed catalogs and put them in the recycling. Loose papers are just going to have to float.

I also found a plastic cap in my pocket that I hadn't even remembered picking up. So there's that...

Hi guys!

Subc, will have to give some thought to your debt analogy...

Tatoulia, yes, laparoscopic thank goodness. Pain not too bad except at one of the four sites. Also some "burning" feeling where I got a series of anti blood clot shots in my belly. Shots didn't hurt at all but now the skin is.

Instead of losing 5-10 I ended up gaining 13 (in fluid I assume). Hands feet are puffy, my eyes look bloodshot and puffy... having trouble taking a deep breath but my o2 is fine. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have lost a few in water. Running a little temp but nothing major. Had a little veg & broth, some crackers, half an apple. That's about all I could deal with today. Taking it slow. Just took one pain pill today.

House wise I just cleaned up a couple things in the kitchen. Hope fully I will feel better tomorrow. I did clean up a medical bill mess from august though. That was my big adulting today. Took almost two hours On hold on the phone (not my strong suit) but I think it's done. Big deal for me.

The H has been very tolerant and has tried his best to be helpful which I am grateful for. My son has been alternately angelic and turd like. He helped me put on pajama pants and a sock, and then he would pour ice water in his top hat and dump it over my head. You get the picture.

Sub c what is sil sick with with a high fever? Glad you made it work. Our Christmas is all still up. Gonna be a few days still I think.

I'm gonna sign off. Thanks for the healing wishes. Very hopeful I won't have another attack like the ones I've been dealing with since august. Happy new year everyone! Let's keep moving our feet forward and "KEEP HOPE ALIVE!"