Well, despite trying to turn over a new leaf, I have slept late this morning. I was just so tired. I must focus on the grading today.

Alanna, how long have you been teaching?

They did prank my room - just snowmen (again) they hid 20 one inch plastic fellows around my room. I've found 17, but there is a chance that the other three wandered off in the pocket of a student, since tiny creatures infest the school regularly and are fair game. The snowman thing is an ongoing bit between me and the students. Supposedly I hate snowmen. It comes from a series of projects a long time ago.

Sending love to everyone. Thank you all for your kind words. I need to run now to grab my Zip car I'll finish reading soon.

Good morning.

Alanna, thank you for sharing you information. I'm sorry your Dh makes threats about your stuff. Unfortunately that's really counterproductive in hoarding because feeling like the hoard is threatened makes it harder to be objective and learn to let go. My Dh was frustrated with me for years and we fought about the hoard a lot. And I would hide stuff from him because I didn't want to fight. He still finds it hard to trust me when it comes to stuff.

We started with areas that were "his" where I was not allowed to put things.

Lila, I use lumping litter with Oliver and periodically empty the box completely and hose it out. But Mr. Kittyprefersoutside to the box.

Yesterday dd2 and I extended the mulch around my grape vines and put up some of my portable fence around them so the deer will stop eating them. We also replanted the strawberry planter, and fenced that, and planted the rhubarb my son brought me in the garden. Then we cleaned up and went to the class musical at my school. Dd enjoyed seeing a few of her old teachers, and the musical was really good.

Switched over the kiln afterwards, and picked up Bean.

Today we are planting popcorn with Bean and I don't know what else. I have to take him home a little early because he has a soccer game, and then take her straight to the airport.

We looked in some of DD's bins yesterday and she let go of a couple of things and picked a couple that will fit in her suitcase when she flies home.

Clearly I did not proof read yesterday's post.

Clumping litter. Without a liner.

I have a ton of student work to check. We did not finish planting the popcorn and I need to do that because it needs to all go in at the same time for pollination.

It's supposed to rain most of the day and my friend is coming to visit from the other side of the state.

I am tired and sore and I haven't been taking my vitamins.

Two more weeks of school.

Good morning!

Lila, I'm looking forward to hearing about how you use the space when you are ready.

My family has been processing.

Bean is going to get a little brother.

The baby has a 1 in 25,000 cystic lung issue. The most likely outcome is that he will be delivered by C-section to minimize stress on his heart and require surgery sometime between birth and two months. The good news on that is that we live near an amazing children's hospital that has done the surgery over 400 times in the last 20 years with a 100% success rate.

A much lass likely possibility is that the cyst(s) (he currently has one) will grow too fast and Dd will develop maternal mirroring syndrome and he will have to be delivered before 26 weeks to save her life. If he makes it to 26 weeks (June 15) we can apparently stop worrying about that. She has another ultrasound May 20, a list of symptoms to watch for, and they will be monitoring her blood pressure.

A far less likely possibility is that the cyst will clear on it's own.

Ironically, now that there is actually something wrong and Dd has something real to worry about and plan for, the OCD has eased up.

Today I drive into the township where I work for free mulch. Dd2 is flying in for the weekend (through Monday) and dd1 and Bean are picking her up at the airport at lunch time.

Hey All 🙂

Lila - I'm mid-30s and a lecturer at a university. No kids yet, but we're hoping to start a family soon. Lovely that you have wonderful children and grandchildren. I'm sorry to hear about Teen's struggles though, I hope she can find some help and support soon! <3 (text heart)

SubC - I'm sorry sorry to hear about Bean's little brother's cyst. Will pray that either the cyst will disappear or that everything will be OK until he can have the surgery. That's quite scary! I'm glad you had a good Senior's night though, it sounds like you're one of those special teachers who cares and touches children's lives, they'll always remember that. 🙂

CM - glad you survived the bunny shelter. I hope that in between all the craziness you got to cuddle the bunnies for some stress relief. Hope that things are a bit calmer for you now.

Tatoulia - hope you had a good few days at work this week, it sounded busy. How was the steampunk thing this weekend? I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles looking after your brother, that's really difficult. <3 (text heart) It sounds like you're in a better space now though?

I'm glad everyone survived the hectic weather (SubC and CM)! We don't have tornadoes or hurricanes or even earthquakes really here, so hearing about it from you guys is a bit scary.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and sad today. I've got backlogs of marking, washing, and tidying to get through. Dh (not a hoarder) is getting frustrated with the mess and is threatening to have people in to remove what he deems as rubbish when I'm not here, which makes me feel incredibly anxious (although I do understand that living with a hoarder when you're not one is probably stressful). I also had a bad performance review at work this week because I'm not doing research and publishing (which the university expects in addition to teaching) - this is partly my fault because I like to do a good job with everything, so I put a lot of effort into my teaching and assessments, and then don't get to research (I'm also slow at everything) but it's also partly the university's fault because my department is very understaffed and is losing people faster than they can be replaced, so everyone is overworked. Anyway, it's all just added up to make me feel like a failure in all my spheres of life, which makes me sad. I'll get over it though. Just got to keep moving.

Hope everyone is having a better weekend than me. 🙂

P.S. Lila - so glad it went smoothly with the removal of ex's things! And lovely that you have so much more space! (I think I'm as bad a hoarder as your ex - I also save broken things and would probably move boxes of rubbish across the country. 🙁 )

hi Alanna! So nice to learn some more about you. I was in a research science field before my current job, so I know how much work that is. Do you like to write? Liking to write was my one saving grace, because I too was rather perfectionist wanting to do a great job. There is nothing wrong with that but it sure can be paralyzing at times. I hope you can get done what they want you to do. Do you have a topic for your research yet?

SubC, wow, it is stressful to wonder about things like that cyst and not know how it will turn out. I'm so glad the prognosis is overall good, and you are near to good doctors with experience. I will be praying for your unborn little grandson to be healed. And for peace for you and the family.

Everything with Teen saps the little energy and motivation I have and I feel like I take days to recover. This needs to change somehow. I am looking online to see if there is some kind of summer camp away or some kind of send-away residential short program that helps autistic young adults learn coping skills and social skills. There is a lot for children, but not much for an 18 year old. She is smart, depressed, has meltdowns, but I think if I could find something promising, she might agree to go... for like a few weeks or months to get help. She got disability so has some money now to cover something like that. I hope I can find something. If any of you hear or know of anything please share. We are in WA but would travel.

I am relaxing today. I took Tot out for breakfast and a smoothie and to drop off a plate at a friend's. Now am home chilling, trying to decide how I could get the lawn mowed and weeds pulled. DS1 lives far away, DS2 works 2 jobs and is in school, DS3 has the 3 kids and is spending time with them today, DS4 is on a fishing trip. And of course Teen is not going to do it, even though I offered to pay her. It is more than I can handle, so hoping I can find someone to do it for pay.

post 2 today -

feeling quite frozen about doing anything. The kids have all left for a few hours and it is quiet so I can do whatever I want. I am posting here in an effort to get myself to do something, anything.

I did just, with great mental effort, carry my laundry downstairs and put it in the washer.

There are many things I need to do but don't want to, or feel I "can't", do any of them. I don't know why this is.

I am making dinner tonight so should clean off the table and counters in preparation.

I can/could sort totes and get rooms organized but have NO desire to.

I also need to:
wash out the old litterbox that has been sitting in the yard all week, and put it away
empty the new litter box that is ready to empty... the cat dug around and ripped the liner, ugh. How can I have a little box without having to wash it every week??
go out and do some yardwork, like weeds. I don't think I can mow.
anddd, clean up alllll the dog poop in the side yard which is fenced for the dogs. omg there is a lot and I have to do it.

ugh help, I don't want to adult today.

third post today, the Lila show... for accountability.

I feel worthless, but I did a few things.
- put clothes in the dryer, and folded them
- put more clothes in the washer
- washed off the kitchen table
- put a ham and potatoes in the crock pot
- made green bean casserole (the canned ingredient kind)
- picked up maybe 1/4 of the dog poo in the yard

I also talked to TotsDad and helped a bit as he fixed my broken sprinkler, fended off a potential meltdown from Teen, watched too much tv and ate snacks.

Feels like I did nothing, so listing it out helps.

I need help with Teen and don't know what to do.

oh I forgot, I did also wash out both litter boxes, and then refilled one with a liner. At least that is done.

Hey Lila

Don't feel worthless, you're doing a great job even though you're facing challenges. <3 You got more done yesterday than my two loads of laundry and doing dishes, so don't be discouraged.

I'm so sorry you're struggling with Teen. I had a look online to see if I could help and this program popped up: https://www.vistalifeinnovations.org/programs-services/discover?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxoTgnLGIhgMV4mdBAh16OAu3EAAYAiAAEgJF-_D_BwE. It looks something like what you're looking for, although it might be a bit far from you. If it is what you had in mind maybe you could phone them and ask if they know of something closer to you? I wish I could help more but being so far away, I can't really recommend anything. Just sending thoughts across the ocean!

If I lived closer I'd totally swap chores with you - I'd happily mow the lawn and weed and pick up dog poop if someone could do my mountain of laundry. 😉 Ah, which reminds me, regarding the kitty litter box - we had a cat growing up and my mom found that crystal kitty litter (looks like crystal silica) worked really well for the odour; so she would line the litter box with a plastic bin liner (litter box liner does the same job I'm guessing) and then each morning she'd pick the poops out with some tissue and flush them down the loo, and since the crystals bonded to the pee and removed the odour this greatly increased the time between litter box changes. Maybe that'd help you too?

So glad I'm not alone in this whole research field being lots of work! 🙂 I totally get you when you say the perfectionism can be paralysing at times, I'm the same. I do like writing but I find that when I'm stressed out I can't focus to write, as I get distracted by other things that need to be done. As regards topics - I've got some data from my post grad studies that needs to be written up. Other than that I have a few small ideas that could maybe be a paper each or so. But no big topic. It kinda feels like the university wants me to have a bit overarching project that solves some big problem and can be broken down into many smaller topics, but I don't really have that. Do I need that to be a researcher? And if so, how do I get that? You know, I've been working at the university for 5 years now and you're the first person to ask me about my topic, which got me thinking, thank you. <3 It's a very much sink or swim kind of environment and there's little to no guidance/mentorship for younger academics, and I think I'm struggling a bit with that too because I'm not entirely sure what to do.

Hope you've had a better day today.

Hey SubC, hey Tatoulia, hey CM. Hope you've all had a wonderful weekend too. <3

I'm not through all of the posts yet but CM's yearbook reminded me that I shredded my high school yearbooks a few years back and I was so surprised to see how happy I looked. I remember high school as terrible and being depressed, etc. I am still glad I shredded them. There was nothing to gain by keeping things that are bad memories.

As I clean out, I recognize what has a bad feeling attached to it and how I can't have those things. This is a small one, but we were at a funeral once where there was a comfort dog and the dog needed a bath. The guy at the funeral home gave me a little embroidered sticker of the dog and I put him on my fridge. Then I realized that every time I saw it, I thought about how stinky the dog was. So I threw it out. Even something small like that was ruining the peacefulness of my home.

Okay back to reading. Happy Mother's Day! Heading up to the cemetery soon to visit my two non-parent parents.

Praying for your family, SubC.

Good morning.

I am tired.

I had a great evening with Bean, but got to bed at ten after getting up at 4 (i did start the dishwasher. - and shower.) Then the tornado sirens started going off. Bean didn't even wake up either when I carried him down to the basement or when I carried him back to bed, and he slept just fine on the rug-over concrete floor in between. I otoh am old and did not sleep well and am sore. And very tired.

Today will be another long day because it is senior night at school, which starts at 7 pm. I have one errand to run and will otherwise just stay in my classroom and work on year end clean up and assessments.

The tornado hit about 9 miles from my house and I woke up to a message from heartdaughter asking me to confirm that we are ok. It looks like it just hit an area that is river, parkland, fields, and a large quarry - power is out in that area and two roads are closed, but people seem to be fine. The drive to work this morning will be extra long due to flooding and probably downed trees.

Ladies, I have had a long post brewing for several days and I just can hardly find a spare moment to sit down and do it. Right now I really should be working on the bunny newsletter but I'm going to be naughty. This will be a huge infodump and I'll have to come back later, read y'all's posts, etc.

So Thursday I went to the rabbit shelter house to help out. Immediately it was crazy and I had no time to even put my stuff in order or get my bearings because we had to take a rabbit to its new home and then hit the ground running with caring for the shelter ones when we returned. It was stressful. The lady is a retired teacher, she knows about learning disabilities and she tries her best to accommodate mine, catches herself when she starts rattling off more than one thing to do at a time etc. But there were times I was frustrated and snapped at her. I hated that.

Still, we managed most of the time, sometimes even getting a fairly decent rhythm down. Friday was my payday and a church event in the afternoon so I had to go out to do banking, bill paying, and the church thing, then return.

Early Saturday morning, 2:00 a.m.-ish, I was wakened by a giant loud rumbling of thunder, and discovered the roof leaks - I knew they had been needing repairs but I guess I thought they'd had a tarp put over it for the time being. Nope. So I had to rescue my stuff and carry a bunch of it downstairs, then go back and wonder whether to try and sleep. Eventually the rain passed so I got a little sleep. In the kerfuffle, though, I'd forgotten to put up a gate, there was a bunny under the bed, I was trying to wake up and just get coherent, and the lady was understandably trying to deal with the bunny. I again was not my best self under that stress. The day was mixed, so much to do, and a lot to think about. By the time I left I was having trouble driving - and I'd been doing better the day before - my roommate had to talk me home over the phone to distract my mind from panic and remind me to trust in God.

I got most of my stuff in and muddled my way to bed fairly early, was able to make it to church Sunday morning though tired, had a nap in the afternoon. Then Monday we had our big weather alert day with all sorts of places in town dismissing their students/employees early, dire warnings, etc. - only to have the storm system move off east of town and be a big fat nothing burger for our area. Which was fine; I dreaded the thought of tornadoes or big hail. But that killed most of the usefulness of the day, that prepping and waiting to see if anything would happen. Oh well. I'm still thankful nothing did.

Yesterday was much more productive. Went to quilting, then did the shopping I normally would've on payday. Then came home and ate, and went to my storage unit. On Saturday, I had learned that the school board had voted to close some elementary and middle schools at the end of this year. My old junior high was among them. They are going to have an alumni day on the 18th, so I am wanting to find my yearbooks to take to that. They are presumably in the storage unit somewhere. This is very much a "God has a sense of humor" moment, as I was miserable throughout much of my time at that school (it got better towards the end of 9th grade though) but I have also needed to do more at the storage and been dragging my heels. So this got me over there and doing stuff. It is a blessing.

Haven't found the yearbooks yet but hopefully will soon. Getting ideas for organization, shifting some things around, pulled out some larger tubs and texted my cousin whether she wants them as I'm going to go to smaller and smaller for what I do eventually discern I will keep. Bigger tubs tend to fill up and become too heavy and cumbersome. And some of these are opaque, and I am so done with opaque tubs/boxes that I can't see into. I had gotten rid of some already and pretty soon all of them will be gone. Finding a few things to get rid of also, and after I find the yearbooks that will be more the focus. It is now May; church sale is in June. Nuff said.

I've been doing better on my driving - that frog and relaxation music CD is so amazing! And I think just the spring season is lifting me out of some sort of doldrums. I would've thought winter blues end in March or so, but perhaps mine hung on a little longer this year and that was what was contributing to anxiety. Just glad if I'm feeling more like the best me.

Well, I better get to the bunny newsletter now. If I've forgotten anything I can post it next time. And reply to yours once I've had a chance to read them!

Good morning.

CM, I'm glad you survived the bunny house.

Why are you keeping yearbooks that remind you of a time in your life that you were miserable?

I ran my errand yesterday - went to the "offsite craft storage store" and bought brushes and letter stamps for my classroom. Actually, probably bought brushes for me - the kids are very hard on brushes and most of them don't have the technical skill to take advantage of really good ones - I do have a small box in my desk that I hand out to students when I think they need them - so I will probably take these brushes out to my studio and swap them for some that are showing more wear and take those to school. I paid for everything and won't turn the expense in. It was only $2.16. I also picked up a 1/2" binder from the free box, because I can't remember why now, but I know several times this year I have been in search of a narrow binder. And I got a set of plastic measuring spoons (one has a chewed handle) so I stop using the food ones for crafts.

Senior night was really good. I didn't speak this year. Speaking in front of adults terrifies me. I was sitting there enjoying all the funny stories about the graduates, and all the kind words they said about each other and about our school and teachers in general, and then one of mine got up. He's been in our school for 11 years, and he called two teachers out by name. Two. And he said amazingly kind things about me. It was a rollercoaster in my brain - flattering "wow, thank you!" Humbling "I'm not sure I live up to this." Embarrassing "did you really have to say it in front of everybody?" Comforting "he does know how much I care." More embarrassing "That was a lot - tonight is supposed to be about you guys." Amusing "My end of the year evaluation should go well next week." (The whole administration was in the room.)

So, today I have things to get ready for school tomorrow and I pick Bean up and take him to preschool so his parents can go together to find out if he's getting a little brother or a little sister.

Update on my backsliding in the tally thread.

Here I am on my day off.

SubC, the space created is all in the garage and a little in the storage room. It is a lot of space... room to sort, and, room to move some of the totes and things that are in the little bedroom upstairs! There is a lot in there I need to get access to but can't, so it will be great if TotsDad can carry some of the totes from in there to the empty shelving in the garage. I should be able to sort and find a lot of things for the grandkids.

Teen's meltdowns are often around her cycle. I took her to the Dr yesterday to try and find a solution but Teen is resistant. She does need some kind of autism support/services, but around here that is mainly for small kids. Once they are adults, there is no real help. I did find a therapist I am trying to get her into. Some of it is mental illness too. Some of it is trauma from past hurts by peers. The "Person" is a mental health case manager who I have, this week, found to be completely useless.

I would eat all the cheese, too, if I made it. I love cheese. I am glad you are okay from the tornado! How scary.

Tatoulia, oh I feel for you as well, what heartbreak it is. I am thankful for your sharing. It feels so crushing, at one point when she used to scream, 'let me die, let me die,' before Tot was born, I too started making a plan in my head for both she and I to exit this world together. I felt I couldn't bear it anymore. That was years ago, and thankfully, I feel like God himself reached out of heaven and helped me and sent people to support me. I no longer think like that, but you know the heart ripping feeling. I see my baby in her. I long for her to be well. The screaming and everything is so painful - last night was a nightmare. I am sorry you have suffered this way too, and I am thankful you are there for me.

Hi Alanna! How's it going this weekend?

CM, so good to hear from you. The whole weather thing sounds frightening! I don't live near tornado areas, just earthquakes and volcanos. I am glad you are safe.

Today so far I:
- partially loaded the dishwasher
- put my sheets in the wash
- took out trash and put the cans by the road
- made an egg with leeks and toast and watched a short Bible Project video
- stared at stuff and felt overwhelmed
- felt sorry for myself because of Teen
- made coffee dates with two friends - one today and one next week.

Tatoulia, that is good news about the little house.

Lila, I read your list on the tally - you must have so much empty space now! What a relief! Is it all in the garage, or is some of it in the house? I am overjoyed that the dump pile is gone.

What is the role of teen's "Person"? Is she social services? If teen is just autistic, she is having meltdowns far too often and needs changes in her life and more coping skills. If there is something else, that needs to be diagnosed (if it hasn't been) and handled separately. Too often everything gets blamed on the autism.

I'm glad you got some time to play with your grands.

Yesterday I moved the old "portable" fence that is too heavy for me to a new part of the woods and put Useless back to work clearing brush. (He was so stuffed last night he looked round) I also helped Dh with this and that and cleaned up some old structure in the veggie garden and made cheese - which was one of my big projects. I also ate way too much because I spent the afternoon in the kitchen. So this morning my body aches and my weight is up.

Bean day today and it is supposed to rain. Maybe I will accomplish something inside while Bean plays.

Hey All 🙂

Been away for the weekend, so catching up on posts. Hope everyone is well. @>- ->- -

Alanna! Glad you are here and I'm glad you were able to get away for the weekend! By the way, we don't hold anyone to reading posts! We are just glad you are here! So don't ever feel that you need to be caught up to post here!

Lila, I took care of my mentally ill brother for decades. I felt so responsible for him. I couldn't be happy while worrying about him. He was volatile and violent and sad and pathetic and I could see my "baby" inside of him. He is much younger than me, and I always loved him so much. It is not the same as having a child, but I do remember the hopelessness and just wanting it to stop. There were no real times of peace. He'd either be threatening me or he'd be despondent and crying. I would pray to God to let me change places with him. I also planned my suicide as though that would help. All of this is to say I am so very sorry. My chest gets tight and I feel like I will cry. I am here for you, which I know is just words but I'm here.

SubC, I love the vision of dear Useless with a full belly!

I had a good walk home from work, then I changed out the cat boxes and now I'm doing a load of delicates. Just trying to keep things moving here.

I am in office M, T, W this week and then home Th, F. CM! One of my co-workers invited me to a steampunk thing this weekend. It doesn't interest me but I thought it would be a good chance to be outside and do something different. And who knows?

Hi Alanna!

Jump right in! Maybe read the post right before you first - 🙂

Tatoulia, steampunk is fun! Really cool art and design. People put so much effort into small details. You have to just let yourself slip into the fantasy and play - it's good for your brain.

I woke up ant 4 and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been reading. Well, mostly I've been looking at met gala costumes.

Today I pick Bean up after preschool and he spends the night. Yesterday we played with math toys and made bread. We got a little too much flour on the island and Bean spent a couple of hours "clearing snow" with his matchbox construction set.
I used the time to sit near him and sort through a bunch of old school papers. Most of it gets filed for use again in the future, but I did manage to pull a little for recycling.

After I returned him I stopped at goodwill. I am looking for shoes (red Mary Jane's, black business casual) , men's oversized flannel shirts for school smocks (mine are all frayed at the cuffs and hems), a desktop sized paper sorter (not stacking trays), and a lampshade for the lamp I'm making (also possibly a lamp to scavenge for parts because that will be cheaper and more environmentally friendly than buying them new.) I did not find any of those. I did let myself browse the whole store.

I contemplated buying a desktop toy for my son I thought he would like, but told myself he doesn't need it and he has a baby now, so why add marbles to his life? I contemplated a mail sorter to help me organize my scraps of paper visual filing system, but told myself the envelope slots were too small and I have things I could repurpose to try the system before I buy anything (I always love new systems, they rarely stick), I thought about buying Bean a toy pack and play for his bitty baby, but then told myself it was not the same as the one they will use for his sibling, and bitty baby has a bed at Bean's house and a bed here already, his parents certainly don't want to haul that around. I thought about buying an inspirational book and then I remembered I just returned an inspirational book unread 13 days overdue to the library. I decided 99% of the clothes that have been made in the last 20 years are rubbish, and I bought nothing.

My inner squirrel is on a diet.

I have a lot of student work I need to check again today. And I need to go buy chicken feed.

WOW! SubC do you see how far your thinking has come? You used to justify getting things by thinking you were rescuing them! Now you are thinking through! Amazing! You are amazing!

Aw shucks Tatoulia.

Is this a bad time to tell you I disassembled the water table frame from my classroom and brought it home? I did put the plastic tub part in the dumpster instead of bringing it home to wash and recycle - it cracked through. Mostly because I had Bean and it wouldn't fit in the car though. I feel kind of bad about it.

Other than that I did really well today. I graded all but one project (it doesn't have to be done until Friday) stopped at the bank, took the recycling, took care of the water table, packed up some other stuff from my room to clean/sort/ decide about about over the summer, wrote my plans for tomorrow on the board, laid everything out ready on my desk, brought Bean home, played and fed him dinner, we did chores, played more, bath, books and bed. I'm now trying to find the energy to start the dishwasher.

I put some stuff in the trash can in my room, and except for a broken plastic fork, right now I can't even remember what it was.

Lila, I don't know if you are a star wars fan, but "May the 4th be with you" today. I know it is going to be hard, but it will be so much better!

I'm sorry about the meltdowns.

I have so many things to do today and this weekend. And how am I starting? Sleeping in and chilling on the couch with coffee.

Tatoulia and Alanna, we miss you!

Good morning SubC. All my best days begin with couch and coffee, even if only for a short time. I hope you accomplish everything you want to today!

No one has arrived yet. Nephew said they would come in about half an hour. I never got an email back from ex. So I will just be out there supervising. Praying it is smooth with no arguments or upset feelings. I would like closure of some sort with him. This is the last formal bit of our separation. I am not divorcing him for religious reasons. He can file anytime he wishes.

It has been a nice, chill, overcast morning, just what I needed. Three hours of shuffling around, making toast and coffee, reading, working on my planner for May, doing some online shopping (for Teen and the cat, not me).

I loaded the dishwasher and it is running.
I put my clothes in the wash.

I have some returns to drop off (impulse clothes I bought and don't need) and a new litter box to pick up at a store. And taking youngest son for his driver's test.

I have a grocery order arriving shortly. I will sort the fridge a bit when it arrives. I got mostly healthy stuff.

I think what I would really like is control over my life. Or at least my environment. The clutter is just a symbol of the lack of control of my environment. I hope when I move into my next house, that will change. For now, I will keep trying to stay clear of people spewing toxicity and things that make me feel like I need to escape or hide.

Hi Lila, I've been checking back to see if you had an update. I hope everything went well.

I never accomplish everything I want to do, but it was a productive day.

Dh helped me clear some stumps out of the garden with the tractor and I planted the rest of the potatoes, I planted more carrots, beets, and lettuce, plus about half the onion starts, and moved some irises. I replanted the rest of the irises I had already dug up. I got some laundry done, and I got the clay out of the mixer and onto the drying board and refilled the mixer. (Progress in turning dried out clay stored in hundreds of buckets into usable clay and then actual work.)

Dh also fixed my car. And he found the little desk, and he likes it!

Hi everyone! You got a lot done today, SubC!

Lila, I am thinking of you! I hope the day went as smoothly as possible. I know it is a time of great stress for you.

I have been keeping a to do list and crossing things off. That has felt good but I do need to beef up the items on the list.

Tried to do a little work today and my computer wouldn't log me into the office system. I'm stressed about that. But I checked my calendar and I need to be in on Monday so I may ‘front load' my week and go in M, T, W.

I still have a lot to do at home but I am keeping it very neat. I take care of things when I should and I don't wait til later. That has helped me mentally and is starting to become second. Ature.

I am tired and going to do the dishes and then go shower.

I'll talk to everyone later. I was feeling stressed over the computer issue but knowing I have to go in on Monday due to appointments etc should help me to let it go.

hi SubC and Tatoulia.

Ex showed up 45 minutes before the moving truck, so I got to stand out there on the concrete watching him start sorting, and throwing stuff on the dump pile. I said, "it is okay to throw things there, as long as they take it all with them and stop by the dump. I don't have space in my trash cans." He just kept throwing stuff there. So I was stressed.

I watched him opening his stuff, waited for the truck, pulled some weeds while I waited and watched. Finally they came and it took about 2 hours to load all his stuff.

Hoarding note/story:
When we got together, he moved from halfway across the country. With him, he brought a moving van full of stuff. Some of those boxes I sorted last year and threw out things like receipts from 1972 for milk and bread, burned out light bulbs, shirts and underwear with big holes in them, junk mail etc. He PAID to haul that stuff out here. He also mailed probably 500 pounds of boxes by mail. In the corner of the garage were those boxes of stuff he mailed out here, a lot of it books, in boxes still taped shut. No one ever, in 20 years, opened any of those boxes. I find this astonishing. He loaded them all up and took them away from that spot where they sat untouched for 20 years. Wow. Thinking about that, and how I had not seen the floor of the garage there since before Teen existed, was profound.

Anyway. ALL the stuff is gone, all of it. All his cabinets, old dressers, clothes, blankets, junk mail, files from the 70s, toothpastes from ten years ago, cables and wires, broken stuff.
The empty journal I bought him when our baby was 3, so he could write her letters and memories. Blank.
Several old VCRs, dirty, cracked.
Boxes of seeds he bought with our little girl, pretty flowers to grow... left ungrown.
Games and puzzles in boxes, still sealed, never played.

The whole thing is sad, and feels like a death, and yet feels like the start of a new chapter for me. Hard to say goodbye to someone I dearly loved and adored and thought I would be with forever. All that crap leaving feels like a funeral. I am mourning the piles of junk, but that is just a symbol of the love I thought I had. In reality, it is a huge relief, and I feel that.

I am sad because Teen had another 2+ hour meltdown and I had to take her and drive to a quiet place and sit in the car listening to her scream and shriek and cry and say she hates me. I am drained, everything seems like Ecclesiastes to me today. Meaningless! Vanity! All of life is just a vapor. I'll get over it. If I didn't have my faith, I could not bear this.

On Monday I'll try again to find a therapist who will see an adult with autism and medicaid.

Good morning!

Lila, of all the things we have to let go, broken dreams are one of the hardest.

Did they take the dump pile?

My heart goes out to you with teen. I am in the "god could you give my daughter some grace" boat with you - they don't live with me, but the youngest is struggling with her job and we are afraid she will get fired (again), the oldest is dealing with severe mental health issues and has been prescribed drugs she won't take (until after the baby comes) and support therapy she can't afford (Dh is going to offer to help pay for that) and they both call constantly and I need to be available for Bean at the drop of a hat. Heartdaughter is dealing with some significant physical health issues, and she NEVER calls - which also worries me. She did finally answer the phone on Friday, but the update was nothing has changed, which is at least nothing is worse.

Sometimes I remember that when I was a teenager and babysat a lot, I told my mom I was going to have nothing but boys because boys are easy and girls are too hard. Then I not only had two girls, I went out and deliberately collected an extra one! The boy is still easy.

Tatoulia, I'm glad things are going well.

I don't know what today will hold. Dh is going over to help dsil with some painting in the afternoon because Dd can't be home while he is doing it (this is part of the mental health issues) and I have about three major projects that are top priority.

But first- yoga. My body is sore.

Lila, I am sure you are mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. I am so grateful his stuff is gone. Not for you to deal with anymore. Let go of the wondering and the cost and the wastefulness of it all. It's your time to realize you are no longer in the same boat. This was meant to be encouraging and supportive and I hope it came out that way. Give yourself exactly another hour to think of the wastefulness and futility of it all and then make peace because you've gained new space.

My heart breaks for you and teen.

SubC, I am sorry for your daughters' struggles. I have been sad and depressed a lot, going back to at least my teens. My mother certainly put up with a lot when I was a teen and beyond. I don't know if I told any of you this, but once I reached my mid 30s, I started taking my mother on vacations each year , which I dubbed My Apology Tour. I remember a rainy night in London and we'd stopped for a bite after a play, and I told her I was sorry about everything and she grabbed my hand and said, I have no idea what you are talking about. But we both knew.

I am going to try to rent a Zipcar for a few hours and get plants for my window boxes. Also need some "heavy stuff" like cat litter.