DISCLAIMER, Have to get this out as a reminder to me. Need to recenter myself then I'll return to read and reply to your prior posts.

CAUTION -- NEGATIVE RANT.

Got up very early, couldn't sleep so decided to try to clear more of the hoard. I was so determined and engaged in my decluttering that I lost track of time. I managed to sort through 7 of 10 bins of books as well as another 4 bins of basically junk. Ended up tossing another 3 bags of garbage. Was Feeling great and still progressing through the hoard UNTIL the partner/other half (which I will refer to as TPOH going forward) wakes up and angrily states that they are hungry. Nervous as hell, I apologetically state I was trying to clear the hoard but I will make something. To their credit they worked yesterday. However, I only recently became unemployed and have always worked longer days than Tpoh.
I did not create this hoard alone but I accept responsibility for it because it's mostly mine (as I already cleared most of Tpoh's hoard). Anywhoo, after Tpoh eats, they try to act as if they are going to help. They start tearing down plaster that has begun falling in the family room without covering anything (including the books that I was sorting). I know the expectation was for me to say about their stupidity so they would stop "helping" BUT instead I just sat motionless while the idiocrasy continued. I wanted to see how long the idiot would continue faking help. Just as I thought almost 10 minutes later - NOT A SECOND MORE, the IDIOT grabbed a jacket and proceeded to leave the house. Again, I was supposed to ask where they were going but at that point I really didn't care. When Tpoh returned, they asked what do you want me to help with. LOL, I wanted to but I didn't. Instead, I just looked at them with a blank stare and swallowed every bit of profanity that welled up in me. A few minutes later I reminded them of the trash that I had already stacked and advised that they could discard. They went and looked at it (again) and I told them they didn't have to do it now so they would get the hell out of my face. I couldn't take the sight of them a second longer PRETENDING TO HELP OR CARE.

My entire life has been spent genuinely helping and rescuing others so this fake help x*@*!!!! I can't be bothered with it. Frustrated because if I had done to others what they are doing to me now, my house would probably be spotless.

Of course I had a melt down (in private) because of this. So to answer a prior question, I don't live alone but I'm alone in this journey. It's painful but I'm going to keep allowing this pain to fuel me to dig myself out of this mess of a house and relationship!!

it's better to act like you don't see the hoard or not offer to help than to pretend you are going to help, then don't!!!

SubC, what very wise and helpful things you've said. A blessing to anyone who reads it. Hope, I too have had many a day where I just sat, unable to shower, get changed, anything. Some days my victory was forcing myself to drink a glass of water. We do what we can. I too won't judge you... I've cleaned mouse nests and poo out of my home, and cried over old rags I did not want to let go of. It's a process. Think of posting here as a step. Part of the process... not being alone... confessing to someone else that you need help. Coming here and posting IS a step, so I am thankful you're doing it!

I started to go through that dresser. One drawer was easy - all jeans size 16 (I am in size 18 now). I put them all into a bin. Then found a couple of other clothing items in the other drawers that are too small and put those in the bin.

Then I got stuck. I must have 20 or more tank tops and tees in one drawer. They fit. They are every shade of the rainbow. I do not wear tank tops because my arms are super flabby. But I wear them as layers, or think I will. And part of me believes someday I will get arm surgery to remove hanging skin. I dunno, I could only donate like one or two of them and then shoved the rest back in the drawer.

And then thought I would pull some things out of the closet that don't fit, and put in the bin, and I could not. I froze. I felt kind of sick. I walked away. What is that about? I dunno. I am taking a break and will go back to it.

SubC, that's great that things are leaving your house! And, you are getting evaluations done too.

Hope, I can feel your anger on this. It is so hard being with someone who really doesn't care. I would be upset too if plaster etc was being knocked down on stuff. Who gets to clean that up? Well, my ex was similarly unhelpful/pretending. I remember years ago I posted an angry rant on here because a pipe had leaked in the storage room where all his hoard was contained. I was super excited because he had agreed that he needed to take everything out and get rid of the ruined things! Yay, right?? Wrong. He took the stuff out and laid it all over the yard for WEEKS. Did not throw anything away, and then, eventually, he put it all in the garage! Filled it halfway up with his boxes! and then of course began to hoard up the storage room again.

So that is the stuff we have been sorting. Moldy boxes of 25 year old receipts, junk mail, and burned out light bulbs. Sigh.

If you think the relationship is dead, it probably is. I used to post on here fantasizing about him moving out or being gone so I could be rid of his hoard. Try not to let it eat you up inside. I know it hurt me emotionally to swell on that for so long. Being alone is better.

Good job on the books, Hope! And the other things too. You are doing a great job working through the clutter.

Today I took almost everything out of the playpen. I bagged up clothes that belong to TotsMom, laid mine on the bed to put away, folded the blankets, threw out a bunch of papers, donated a few things. Still working on it but taking a short break.

post-freeze summary, documenting my process.

After the past post where I froze, I sat for a bit, did something else for a bit. Then went back into the room and worked on a totally different area. I decided instead of trying to get rid of more, I would simply move things and vacuum so there is room for the desk.

- took everything off the dresser, did a very cursory dusting of them, and put them on another dresser.

- moved about 12 plastic bins, a few empty, most full of stuff, across the room

- vacuumed where they were.

I have to say, those bins have not been moved and that dresser top has not been dusted in at least 8 years, maybe more. It was pretty coated in dust and loads of dog hair all around the floor where I moved them from.

I am glad I am doing this even if I did not get rid of anything, and even if the desk can't be moved upstairs.

I am going to pull the dresser out from the wall, vacuum, and then swiffer the area. This has not been done in possible 15 years. Maybe I will find a treasure back there!

So this is my process when I am frozen... do something different that feels a little bit more doable, and has no real decisions attached.

Hope, I am so sorry about your relationship. I don't know if you want to fix it or end it, but I will say that like the hoard, you are not going to be happy if it stays where it is.

Dh and I have had our moments, and the hoarding has been a big part of that. It took us years to realize we weren't actually communicating and more years to really start trying, and we are STILL working on doing it well. But I am fortunate that there was never a moment when we didn't know we loved each other and wanted to make it work.

Also good job on getting three bags out!

Lila, why do you have totsmom's clothes?

Second section done. Dh left with the thrift stuff. Going to do something that involves moving around.

Lila, yay for getting rid of dust and dog hair!

I am going to tell you something - you can buy a nice, new, good quality tank top for around $8. It will fit and it will match the thing you want to wear it with. If you can afford surgery, you will also be able to afford a couple of tank tops.

I want to ask you to look around your room for something that you really like, that fits, that would go in that drawer if it wasn't so full. If you see such a thing - please consider choosing one or two tank tops that are super comfortable and work well as a layer under something you own that fits right now and letting the rest go. Then, you can put your thing in the drawer where it will stay clean and not get buried.

Getting rid of the tank tops is not about letting go of the idea that you are attractive, or that you can be stylish, or that you deserve pretty clothes. It is not about not having a thing when you need it. (I'm confident you will not suffer in the cold from lack of a tank top layer - are you?) It is about accepting that these tank tops are not a thing that flatters you and makes you feel good. They are a thing that makes you feel sad and frustrated. Even if you don't have clothes that make you feel confident and beautiful right now, surely you have something better than these tank tops? Sad and frustrated out. Tot and acorn in.

I have finished one class (of 8) of evaluations. I also discovered that when the power went out the other day the dryer stopped and did not restart. And so the load all needs rewashed with baking soda.

I started that and I am going to go move a rabbit cage. And maybe put some music on and attack this Christmas tree (yes, it's still here.)

SubC, they are TotsMom's clothes (belong to her) but fit the grandkids! She had brought them over when I was watching them for a few days, but they were in my dirty hamper. I washed them and put them in the playpen which is silly but they have been in there awhile. So I finally folded them up and put them all in a bag to give back to her.

I don't know what time TotsDad is coming today but it is maybe the final push to get those 2 rooms completed. I decided that if I am really struggling on that last bit, I have permission to bin it up and deal with it later. I would guess the huge room has about 3 bins worth of things I was keeping. But the catch is, it is where I keep all the "special" stuff. I dunno, maybe as I look at it, it won't feel so special anymore. I have issues, I know it. There are toys and clothes and blankets and all kinds of stuff that triggers memories from 20 years ago. It would take a lot of time and anxiety for me to just get rid of a bunch of it today. So we will see how it goes.

oh SubC, thank you so much! Your thought process helps me so much! I feel like I can do that with the tank tops, at least some of them can go if I look at it that way! I appreciate you.

Good job getting your work done. Teaching does sound like a lot. But I hear how rewarding it is, too, when your students appreciate you. You are making a difference.

TotsDad is here and I am taking a break, how exhausting. He took all the trash bags to the bin.... enough trash to fill the whole bin! He took about 10 totes out to the garage that I had sorted, and two boxes of donations to the car.

And... he single handedly carried that desk up the stairs and put it in my bedroom!! I am excited, and also have this weird feeling. Like... it is a big change to have a desk in there. My bedroom has been the same for 18 years. It is very weird to have a dresser in a different place and a desk in there. But it will be nice... and I will have a nice spot to do Zoom meetings now. I hope I like it. If not, I can always give the desk away and I'll still have the cleaner room.

TotsDad is organizing bins and such.

He started asking me about this bin and that bin and I got a little overwhelmed so came for a break.

But we got a whole lot done! I have a lot more work to do. Will update the daily tally.

Ah! They are grandkid clothes that belong at tot's house!

Which will be your house next week. lol!

I have finished the third section of evaluations. And eaten dinner.

Here is what I think about the "special" things - there are three categories:

1) actually this isn't so special - it's not good enough for the grands to use and/or it makes me sad.

2) this is special and I want the grandkids to use it and now is the time!

3) everything else.

Category 3 is complicated (it is more than one category really.) bin it up.

Category 2 is easy! Put it out - while you are putting it out, look for things that can go because they are being replaced - the special thing fills the same spot in the dress ups or play kitchen or dollhouse, or now there are too many blocks/stuffed toys/games/art supplies/cars/blankets and the special one is better. Get rid of those instead.

Category 1 is harder, but bite the bullet and let those go. (If a category 1 isn't in good enough shape for the grands but it makes you happy, move it to category 3.

Hopefully you'll be able to get rid of some stuff even if it is different stuff.

Good evening.

Lila, I'm glad if I can help you. You guys are a lot of help to me.

It's not the teaching. It's the paperwork. I would gladly teach four days a week if I didn't have to fill out forms, grade things, and write evaluations. Every course I teach literally has an extra 20% of it's classroom time that I have to spend on that outside of class. Ok, I just did the math on that three times, and it's true. And it's depressing. For every five hours I spend in the room with my kids, I spend an hour doing paperwork. Not lesson planning, just paperwork.

Bleh.

Anyway, the tree is down (it's lying in the yard with the stand still attached. I'll deal with that the next time I'm home and it's light outside.)

The ornaments are put away. The floor is swept and vacuumed. The laundry is rewashed.

I moved both rabbit hutches into the barn.

Dh has a guitar lesson tonight. He promised me a pizza little after 8. So i had a light snack and I'm going to do my chores, take a shower, and then work on evaluations if I have more time before pizza.

Hi everyone!

I'm not caught up on posts. Sorry about that. Everyone is being active and that's great! Hope I noticed you had to post about an upset. I'm so sorry. I'll read all posts in a little bit.

I slept all day. Nearly all day. I. Got up at 7, fed the cats, talked to BF on the phone (our time difference made for a good time to talk), went back to bed, then got up around one to feed the cats and make some coffee. Talked to BF some more, then fell asleep. Now it's 9 PM and I'm running the dishwasher and doing laundry, which you know I do not count (for me and me only) as doing something because it comes naturally to me.

I'm writing more thank you notes with respect to my mother's passing. In total, I've written probably 25. Still more to go.

My neatest friend is coming over tomorrow. I need to show some progress from last time she was here. For me and her.

I am clean and in my pajamas.

Lila, I forgot to say that I hope you like your new room. I hope the change helps you see it with new eyes and inspires you and makes you happy.

Lol Tatoulia - I don't feel active. I spent most of the day moving between my low work table and the couch. I did chores twice and put away a load of laundry. But I have finished the fourth section I set out for myself.

I have the same number to do tomorrow, but I may cut myself some slack. I can "finish" them on Tuesday, add attendance and any final, project details to the Wednesday class ones on Wednesday, do the same thing Friday, and then turn them in and not let them ruin my weekend next weekend.

Tatoulia, I hope you get done whatever you feel like you need to get done, but please don't beat yourself up. Grief takes it's own time and it's own path.

Thanks Lila and Subc. My yard wasn't blocked, just not neat/pretty like I like it. I try to keep the outside somewhat presentable so I force myself to go out and get some air. Though I have been failing at this lately. Thanks for your advice SubC. That was a powerful statement "Never compare your inside to somebody else's outside." I know I shouldn't but sometimes it's hard. I keep spiraling because also need some repairs but i need to declutter to get them done. It's kind of hard to think when I can barely take care of myself right now. Desperately trying to find a job. Right now it takes a lot of time to protect my mental health that I am physically drained doing so. I also keep spiraling because deep inside I know I'm better than this.
Lila great job seeking counseling. I know I need this but can't afford it at the present. I've been before so am trying to use some of the strategies I've learned. Sometimes it's hard when you are dealing with so much trauma at once and my therapist died so i have to start over with someone else which scares me. This is the worst my self esteem has ever been.

Lila I'm thinking of switching over to counting items at some point. Maybe I will find greater motivation.

SubC I am glad that you are celebrating yourself. i stopped expecting my family to celebrate me a long time ago. I used to be able to celebrate myself. I'm struggling to do so now.

Goals for today
-meditation
-selfcare
-fill at least one bag of trash

Thanks for your support

Wow! So many people came by while I was out last night!

CM, I am so glad you have your sewing and music back!

I have an idea on the sewing. You can see what you think. I think I would suggest, that instead of adding to your sewing queue, you just start sewing. As you address each item in the existing queue, you can decide if it is still worth doing - now, or if it should just go. (If you need materials, make a list by item and stick the item at the bottom.) once you have been through the whole queue, and finished what you can, you can start on your bags of clothing. It is ok to get rid of something without repairing it if you don't want/ need it anymore. When the bags have been cleared, you can look at your materials needed list and decide what is actually worth buying for your next project - by then you might be ready to let more things go.

I think using the sewing machine regularly would help you keep it accessible and operating, and not bringing things in from the bags will protect your space.

I definitely need to exercise more.

Lila, I hope you are feeling better today. You got some things done yesterday - even though it was a bad day. Be proud of yourself and just take it one day at a time.

Tatoulia, it sounds like you are moving forward. I'm glad you got to renew a connection. Do you feel lighter not having a car? Have you emptied and given up your garage? How was the zip car experience?

Hi Hope! How are you doing today?

Bean and his mom are coming out this morning and his daddy will arrive after church. We'll open presents and have dinner, and they will spend the night. Then Bean will stay tomorrow but his parents will leave in the morning and I will return him to the at the end of the day as usual.

Just enjoyed reading everyone's posts! Wow! What a year! Lila great work on The Daily Tally! I was reading your cooler situation and thought, I'd like to see Lila make her choices now and get rid of the rest and next sentence, you said it!

Will write more in a bit. Yes it's noon and I'm still in bed. I have a cat on top of me.

Hi hope,

How is your day going?

I had plans to be very productive, but I am fighting a real struggle to engage today. I got Bean's Christmas gifts out to wrap (for Saturday, and they are spread out on the floor and I don't even feel interested. I'm sure he will like them, but I'm having trouble imagining him being excited about any of them really. Which is silly, because I got to get him literally the only thing he's been asking for -( a pterodactyl)

Maybe I will try walking outside in the cold for a few minutes.

Hello Lila, CM, Tat, and SubC!

Thanks for all of your support. Catching up on your messages. Still have low energy and morale. Maintained what was done but haven't gotten anything new done. I've been dreaming about my sheroes and I feel that they are disappointed in me. Other times I believe they are encouraging me. I fight with myself most of the day because I know I am better than this but then I end in despair not accomplishing anything. Tired of feeling like this shame and living like this. Tired of waiting for help that is not coming. I know I am my answer and I simply have to put in the work to pull myself out.

Have any of you attended the online support groups?

Lila - Hope you are feeling better. you are such an inspiration getting things done even though you don't feel well. I agree you with you about returning the dog vacuum it if doesn't work. It is very frustrating when companies overrate their products. I spent the past few days reading some of the much older posts to get to know you all better and had to chuckle when you asked where do people put there stuff, because exactly how I am feeling. and that you tried a new recipe. How did it turn out? Going in my kitchen makes me slightly depressed because I need to have work done. I also miss cooking for my family that used to visit. Now I am too embarrassed to have anyone over.

SubC - Great job on your progress with your books. That is one of my problem areas and I was just , I was wondering what to do with mine. I'm so overwhelmed that Im ready to throw everything away because its killing me. I'm just so afraid of throwing away the books I really love. Sounds stupid as I write it because I'm sure I could find most on line again. I just don't have money to buy anything right now. Also, great job on your community, when I read about your group hug, I thought to myself, sure would be nice to have one of those when I need it, considering how much I give.

CM - Glad to hear that you got your sewing machine cover and that it's all situated now. I understand about you the tree. Don't be hard on yourself as long as it's safe to have it up. Also, thank for your advice on Poco a Poco. You didn't tell me but I think I figured it out. This is a major problem for me. I always need a big bang and have trouble celebrating small wins. Clearing a table doesn't feel good to me. I need the room to be finished for me to feel that I've accomplished something and given my age and health at times that is not always realistic. Also, that's wonderful that the library is offering all of those classes and equipment. I have a lot of the equipment but haven't felt much like taping into my creative side. I'm really a novice at it but still I haven't felt much like experimenting lately.

Tat - Yes, way to take a stand and take the rug somewhere else. Also, thanks so much for the great suggestion on addressing being over qualified in the cover letter. I have been addressing it in interviews but need to get better about addressing it in cover letters. Fear has been killing me. But I'm getting to a point of asking what's the worst that can happen. I am tired of feeling shame and of being afraid.

Happy New Year

I stayed up too late reading Harry Potter... Book 6 is one of the hardest to put down because it is tighter in the plotting with many reveals about Voldemort's origins and Harry's destiny, leading up to the big finale of Book 7. Plus romantic and other fun subplots.

So I made myself tireder than I should have. It would have still been okay but I got interrupted by a text and a temptation to change my plan to sleep in, and go to breakfast with someone instead. Then we each decided no, but by the time I shifted gears too many times my brain was jammed and I got cranky.

Roommate is on the road home. And it looks like maybe the sun will come out a little. I want a hamburger but I want to summon it like Hermione might, rather than get in the car and drive. Hmmmm... perhaps chicken noodles cooked here would taste just fine, and I could get a burger tomorrow.

I'm still reeling a bit from my cousin seeing my bedroom yesterday - again, she was not rude or judgmental but I can understand how after months of working on our grandma's hoarded house she just doesn't want to see me go down the same path. She cares. Before, at lunch, talking and catching up, it was so hard not to compare my difficult history with jobs and my anxiety and ADHD to her being able to just get jobs and plunge right in, and her mature, sensible ways with budgeting, etc. I'm hoping I can just be positive and let her good influence work on me but without feeling negative toward myself and self recriminating harshly for past errors.

If I can keep going on the good things I've started, that should be easier to do. Poco a Poco, right?

I'll need to make this quick for now but I'll want to come back and catch up reading 2-3 days' worth of your posts and add a more comprehensive one of my own.

But get this: The reason I don't have as much time or concentration right now to write the post I'd really like to write is simply that I've been doing stuff! Gym yesterday, productive work on sewing area today, with more to come...

Since my sewing machine is near my keyboard, and I did get the MIDI/USB cable at Guitar Center on Tuesday, I will be getting it hooked up to my laptop as part of this effort. I've downloaded Aria Maestosa software to use to record.

Getting energy back, in other words.

Snow coming tomorrow morning, and maybe more on Monday. Meh. 😛 These next couple months are when winter gets serious around here. Well, I have fun indoor things I can do.

More later!

Wow all the posts!! So great!

Tatoulia, I will definitely return the grooming tool. If I feel I really need one in the future, I will wait until I can afford something really good, on sale. For now, I will clean this thing up and send it back. Thank you for the encouragement... part of me was thinking about keeping it and making it work but it would annoy me in the end.

Hope, so nice to hear from you again! My recipe turned out really good. And I still don't understand where people keep things, but I am willing to try and find out by becoming one of those people myself! Although, probably never QUITE as perfect and decluttered as they are. I just want to be able to find things. Right now, if I want to get something out of my bedroom, I have to throw piles on my bed to try and search, and then have to throw the piles back. It is frustrating!

Hi CM and SubC! I wonder if Road will come back.

I still feel sick today. Really tired, headache, ears and nose congested. So far all I have done is brush dogs, unload/load the dishwasher, and heat up food to eat.

I also took care of myself in a small way: it is sunny (but cold) so I sat on the deck in the sun for about 10 minutes. I will do it again shortly. I find that I need sun on my face to feel well and this time of year has been very overcast and grey.

I hate being sick because it feels like I am wasting time that I am not working, but could be doing something enjoyable at home or making progress decluttering. But I am trying to give myself grace.

But my bedroom!!! ugh.

Happy new year!

CM, chicken noodles will taste fine, reduce your fridge load, and stretch your budget. Enjoy the chicken noodles!

Maybe tomorrow you get a burger. Or maybe you think of something else you can cook..

Ok, now your cousin has seen your mess. When my cousin saw my mess she was horrified. Of the mess. Not of me. She said something along the lines of "oh my god (subc)" but here is the thing - it was the same tone she would have used when we were kids and I took off my bathing suit and she realized how sunburned I was. And she dug into the mess with me the same way she would have dealt with the sunburn - start applying solutions and stop if it hurts.

Even if your cousin can't help you, she might be able to help motivate you. Promise yourself that the next time she comes, the mess will be better. Just take a small step each day, and you will get there.

I am making such a good start to my year! I am keeping up with dishes and laundry. I did yoga. I showered AND brushed my teeth. I am making good food choices. I worked in the studio a little and threw a pot and left it cleaner than when I went out.

I found a set of 12 "12 days of Christmas" cookie cutters I can part with.

Good morning!

Back to work today! A former student friend has promised to visit.

CM, I am so glad you are getting your mojo back!

I am trying. Yesterday was really bad - in part because I had no outside structure. Now I am panicking thinking about everything I need to do in the next two weeks. My biology is not my friend. I really need to come up with some kind of system for these bad days. I don't want to go on hormone treatments or drugs because I really only have a few bad days a month and those are all the time. I wish there was something acute that I could take - the way I can take ibuprofen only when I have a migraine.

Anyway, today I have structure, and a friend coming to visit and I need to get showered and organized!

Carry on!

I feel like crap but I cleared a small path to my closet in my bedroom. Mostly I just moved a few items but also threw away trash and donated one item. Then I was able to reach some hangers that were tossed behind the chair (why??) and able to hang up about 4 shirts that were draped over furniture. Now, don't applaud too hard, as there are 15 more items draped over furniture that I don't have space for... but I did put one shirt in for donation. I really need to bin up the clothes that are slightly too small but I am not ready to give them up, and move them out of my bedroom. Then I would have space for the things I DO wear in the drawers and closet. I might even find a thing or two to donate while I'm doing it. (Donating clothes is very hard for me but I have been doing it here and there).

I also walked the dog, which made me feel sicker, but no one else was going to do it so I did it. Now resting in my bed, avoiding Teen, who threw something at me earlier. At least I have a lock on my door.

Happy New Year, friends!

I have had the same kind of experiences you guys have, being upset someone has seen my mess. When my son fixed my toilet he had to walk through the master bedroom, and I was so worried he wouldn't want to let Tot spend the night anymore. But it was very cluttered, not dirty, and although he did look kind of surprised, he did not say anything. But it hurt my guts.

Anyway, I started a new Daily Tally thread and put 8 things on it already.

I also loaded the dishwasher, baked a cake, made a couple calls. I don't want to do anything... Teen is in so much emotional pain and not being able to help but being around someone who is crying all the time and who is distraught is very difficult. I want to help but have exhausted all options. I will take them to their appointments. I tell them I love them, and I get screamed at. It is hard.

Anyway, they went to their brother's house and I am just getting a few things done.

I also sold one of the strollers from the garage!

Hello All

SubC - Thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear that you were having a bad day yesterday. Sounds like today may be a better day. Hope you enjoy your friends visit and I may take a page out of your book and try to get out for a walk.

Embarrassed to say that I didn't get my goals done. I'll try again today. I spent the entire day looking for a job. I got a few rejections on being overqualified and spiraled. I did cook dinner last night but not really what I planned. I basically survived the day and spent the evening encouraging a friend (though I was extremely emotionally drained)

CM - ditto on SubC's congrats on getting your mojo back and being productive. that's the most important thing. thanks anyway for taking the time to post. I find it hard to focus to write these posts as well.

Lila and Tatoulia, I am thinking of you both and hope that all is going well with you.

Good morning!

Hope, I have not attended any online support groups. I type slowly and don't need more things on my schedule. The asynchronous nature of discussion boards works well for me.

You have to remember - we did not get into this situation all at once. We are not going to get out of it all at once. Every day you get to make choices that will move you forward, hold the line, or make you slide back. And if you slide, don't beat yourself up. Just acknowledge that you are doing the best you can right now and try to find something you CAN do or some way to make things easier for yourself.

About the giving and getting nothing back - sometimes the things that need to be discarded are not things. Activities and relationships that add nothing to your life or drain you without creating value you see as worth it also need to go. I used to volunteer at the food bank and I eventually had to quit because while the food bank is a good thing, and volunteering is a good thing, when I looked at the whole picture the net result of me volunteering at the foodbank was negative.

My new book cost Dd 50 cents. My son in law wants to read it when I am done, so I will decide if I am loaning it to him or giving it to him when I am done. Books are also very hard for me.

Lila, getting your bedroom down to what you can wear right now would be great! And try on your jeans!

Today Bean and I play with his new Christmas things and the train from under the tree will get packed away. Maybe a few more Christmas things. Maybe I will make tiny progress on the counter of doom. It occurs to me that it would be really great if Bean could sit at the counter of doom and play with his playdo. Maybe I will scoop a bunch of stuff into a box so he can do that while I actually sort and wash some of the things on the counter! I'll let you know if we try that and how it goes.

Hello everyone! I am sorry for the embarrassment of having people see your places. It's not easy. My very best friend was here on Saturday but she gets it. I'm up to my eyeballs here. I asked her if my place smells like cat (I ask this frequently) and she says no. So that's good.

Today I walked downtown to my office to drop off some shredding and then I had two more sweaters to return to Macys. I went to the grocery store and also stopped to pick up a few cardboard cat scratchers. For my cats. Still cannot wrap my head around the idea that I have two cats.

There were a number of corporate gifts on my desk. One I opened and put out for everyone. One was a big box of individually wrapped cookies that I took to mom's place for the staff. They are still my people. I cannot change that. Everyone seemed happy to see me.

I did not make my lemon pigs for new year's. I wasn't feeling it. I did put out my very pretty lemon salt and pepper shakers.

Yesterday when I finished up at mom's, I was sobbing and I felt so alone. Today I'm okay.

I have so much to get through here. So much of mom's stuff to get through. Not ready to make a challenge. I'm fresh off the heels of the challenge to finish mom's by the end of December.

I took my mother's oriental rug to be cleaned on Friday. I ended up not leaving it at the place. Although a well-known place, there was a clipboard on the counter with a label on it that had a derogatory word toward woman on it. Worse than the B-word. And so it turned into a moment where I couldn't spend my money there. They made a warehouse worker walk home the mile with me (my friend had dropped me off) and it was raining. There's more to the story but it's fine. I didn't get mad, I just couldn't spend my money there. The guy waking the rug home was worried he'd be fired. I decided not at take it any further because the manager was probably going to report it and I felt I have no real purpose other than spending my money somewhere else. I have found another place and I'll have to rent a car because my car is simply not drivable right now with the exhaust issue. Also I have to clear out the car by the end of the month since that's when I'm giving it to my neighbor. So a lot going on here. I guess that's a big challenge right there.

Anyway getting the rug out of the hallway next weekend will be a big help. I have written a few thank you notes and have probably 40 to go. I think I mentioned that I received 11 bouquets of flowers. And another 11 people donated trees in my mother's memory. Then other people sent cards and mass cards or left food etc etc. I ordered the initial batch of thank you cards and the 30 won't be enough so I've ordered another 30. Very pretty and personalized. From Etsy.

Blabbing along here.

Need to change the litter boxes, do the dishes, shower, go to bed. It's nearly 1130 here Love you all. Happy new year!

Good morning all. I was working a lot but now have the day off. I also have a cold so staying home for the most part.

SubC, those are great game suggestions! I remember hi ho cherry o from when I was a kid! And you reminded me I may have a Memory game here Tot would like. Teen does not have autistic friends and is resistant to any kind of community, gathering, group, online or in person. That is very isolating for them. I keep finding things and offering, hoping something will be appealing. Also, wanted to mention that if your few days a month that are difficult are hormone-related, you can go to a compounding pharmacy and they make special hormone creams, like lotion, that you can use to balance things out as needed. Not sure if that would help, but I believe it is natural and simple, so it's an option.

Hope, starting a new therapist is hard. You never know if it will be a good match. You might check at churches or religious organizations, which sometimes have free counseling or by donation, if and when you are ready.

CM! I'm so glad your energy is back and you are doing things! That's wonderful! Can't wait to hear all about it.

Today I feel sick, and Teen is distressed and crying, but before all that started I got a few things done:

- took out 2 small bags of trash
- unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
- went through the fridge and got rid of some expired condiments
- found some oranges that looked like they need to be used soon, and juiced them. I had a nice little glass of fresh juice that was delicious!
- put Teen's clothes in the dryer and our blankets in the wash
- brought in a small grocery order I had delivered, mostly for Son, who paid for them
- did the usual: fed dogs and let them out, made coffee, filtered some water, gave Teen their meds.

Not a bad start, really.

Books are definitely a toughie. Many years ago when u started here, I got rid of 20 boxes of books, mainly hardcovers and first editions. I had to. I just had to. I've since oared down my books even further. I have a kindle and I use it and like it a lot. It holds an entire library of books for me and this was a choice I adapted to easily. Not everyone will have it this smooth and I respect that.

I did nothing yesterday. Not even my internal goal of getting rid of two bags of mom stuff. I wrote probably four or five thank you notes and then slept or watched Netflix the rest of the day. So nothing to show for my weekend other than getting the oriental rug out to the cleaners. Oh! I did a load of delicate laundry last night. But that doesn't count as I stopped counting laundry as a true accomplishment since it's something I do so often. Same with dishwasher. I run it every night. I mention that I've done it but it's as routine as brushing my teeth so I do not feel a sense of accomplishment. .

The person inheriting my car will be taking it at the end of the month so that's another clean out project for me.

I will work on a few thank you notes today. I'd love to do some laundry but someone is doing theirs and they left it in the washer. Sometimes I hate having to move another person's laundry into the dryer. It's something that we all have tacit permission to do but I would prefer not to, I feel like I'm doing that person's laundry. Eventually I'll have to do so because otherwise I'm just hurting myself.