(((HUG)))

I know, I truly know...

So sad living with someone who will not hear me or see me.

But I am living my life for myself. Doing what I need to do for me, my health, my sanity.
Otherwise it is just living for him and ALL his stuff.

We cannot help anybody or contribute to others if we first do not take care of our own selves.

Please take care of yourself. 🙂

I. Am. Not. Giving. Up. I. Am. Not. Giving. Up. I. Am. Not. Giving up. I understand that hoarders have different brains, broken brains, and I am sympathetic to that. But there comes a time in life that we all gotta dig deep and fix what's broken. I've been broken. I dug deep. I fixed it. Me! Why? Because I love to contribute to the happiness in the lives of others. I'm not a selfish self-centered person.

Because I happen to love two hoarders in my life, I suffer. I have pain. I have days that I actually think that their hoarding is going to break MY brain. Not yet though, but close. Although, I did end up in the hospital recently because it's taken a toll on my health and it's starting to kill me. But. I. Won't. Give. Up. I. Am. Not. Giving. Up. Even if it does kill me. I will continue this battle.

It's just so disheartening that hoarders find "things" far more important than family. It's sad that they don't know how hard it is for the people around them. Or they do know that their hoarding hurts everyone but they just don't care enough to dig deep and fix what's broken. Pretty selfish. Pretty self-centered. Pretty broken.

Hoarding doesn't fix the broken. Hoarding breaks the unbroken.

I. Will. Not. Give. Up.

Thank you Tillie. Great advice. I tried the claim one area, an oasis, but it only makes me feel imprisoned in a bedroom. Clean, yes, but ya might as well just lock me up and throw away the key because it feels like a prison cell. I do go on a lot of hikes away from it all. Helps in the moment.

I'm plumb tired of taking a stand. So so tired. I'm not the give-up kinda woman. Therapist amd counseling never worked. I don't believe in ultimatums. And I won't leave him or my MIL. How does a person put themselves first?

My MIL was in the hospital fighting for her life for a whole year. Because of the condition of her home, it was mandatory that I clean it and organize it without throwing away her "things". She has returned home and is well again...and back to hoarding even more things.

There has to be a miracle solution somewhere out there.

I need God to take the wheel because all my tires are flat, I have no spare tire, and I'm running low on fuel.

Hi

It is hard and frustrating and so very discouraging.

Try to stake claim to one area of the home.
Make yourself one tiny little oasis of calm.
A place you can get away from it all for even a little while.
Think about all your options.
Take a stand and fight? Lay down and give up? Leave it all behind? Find a therapist for you? Go to couples counseling?
If you give him an ultimatum you must be prepared to go through with your threats, so don't do that.
Empty threats often backfire.

You said you spent a year cleaning out and organizing your MIL's house.
When somebody does all the work and the hoarder doesn't help, the hoarder never learns how to keep the home clear & clean.
Doing the decluttering and cleaning is what helps them learn how not to clutter.
Decluttering does not come naturally to them, their brains naturally don't think like ours do.
It is a very hard and emotional thing for them to make those keep/toss/recycle decisions.
But they can work through it and face their fears and learn a new way of evaluating their possessions.
It's in the doing the tasks where change takes place.
But again, they must be willing and want to change.

Thx for the reply and words of encouragement. Like you, my husband has a 1,500 sq ft shop that he is allowed to hoard to his hearts content. Yet still, the battle to keep our living space (our home) clean is a full-time job in of itself. I'm just really tired of the battle. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling, although I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. It's unbelievably hard at so many levels.

Hello 🙂

There comes a time when we must do what's best for our own selves.
A person who hoards will not change willingly if they do not want to change.
A very good book to read is "Digging Out"
it was written for people in our situation.

Without therapy with a therapist educated in the hoarding disorder many hoarders don't even know how to stop.

The hoarder here refuses to change, refuses therapy too.
What I did for my own sanity was to make "NO CLUTTER ZONES" in the house and defend them at all times.
He has learned not to even try dropping things in these areas.
The livingroom/dining/kitchen/bathroom/hallway/pantry and my room are all "NO CLUTTER ZONES".
He has the huge garage/carport/yard where he can and does hoard to his heart's content.

Good Luck and best wishes.

I'm so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. In a nutshell, I just spent the last year of my life cleaning out and organizing my mother-in-law's house. I've been married to her son for 20 years. He's a hoarder too. I'm to the point of just walking away from it all. Every time I make a room livable it gets messy again. It's taken a toll on my health, my emotional well-being, and my overall sanity. I question whether to hold onto hope that it will get better or just walk away.

Hi Grace.
I feel your pain. I grew up with a hoarding mother that always complained that the cause was lack of help with the housework. When she was at work long ago my dad, brother & I cleaned & got a great start on tackling the mess (in 1 room anyway). We'd worked hard & were proud. She came home & freaked out screaming at us & brought it all back in. I realized at a very young age that there was more to the mess than her excuses. I too will be stuck dealing with her hoard when she passes since I have little to no hope that she will change. I've attempted to help her clean her hoard numerous times but to no prevail. I agree with the poster that said to start in the bedroom. You will sleep so much better in a room free of clutter. Work as much as you can in a day, but don't get to the point of exhaustion & become overwhelmed. Take breaks. Cleaning a hoard is mentally & physically demanding & is emotionally dofficult as well. Slow & steady wins the race. Start with removing obvious trash 1st & discard. Clear an area for boxes or bags labeled; sell, donate, trash, keep. When you're almost done for the day deal with each box/ bag & put them where they go, if possible or keep them together in their respective categories as they will fill up fast. Putting items where they away gets easier as you go & have a good start on each room. Once you have the bedroom clutter free, use the closet or dresser to keep the important paperwork you mentioned. Be glad that the hoarder isn't there to hinder the process. This is your home now & you will be so much happier without him & his hoard! You can do this!! The poster that mentioned dropping off his belongings to him, I wouldn't put forth that much effort, I recommend a large flaming bag of poo in his porch instead!! : ) <3

Hi! I'm new here and just reading through the boards.

Have you considered taking the worst of the worst of his junk, bagging it and leaving it on the doorstep where he now lives? Make certain there are things with his name on it inside, so he can't claim it's not his!

I think that might be cathartic. Plus, kinda fun and it sounds like you could use a little fun.

Take it from someone whose ex- walked out on her and left her with less than nothing! 🙂

Good luck to you in this new year.

Thank you for your advice. It really helps to know I have support. I guess It is hard because he chose all of this stuff over me and now I need to find a way to get it out..I will try to refocus again and try not to get so depressed. I do have a lot of papers and things to prove what he did .storage receipts and credit card receipts . I need to find a way to store them so they aren't in the way but still available if I need them.. I have no money. He wiped it out and left me in debt. I will try to take at least something out to the garbage right now. Thank you for being there for me.. I appreciate it.

Hi Grace.

Dehoarding takes money and time - more of one, less of the other.

Possible resources - church groups or friends who can be bribed with food, charities that pick up for items that are still usable, 1800got junk...

How bad is the situation and what is the nature of your trash service?

I'd say focus first on the area where you sleep, because you can't overvalue being well rested. Then kitchen - food, and bathroom.

In some ways you gave a big advantage being the hoardee. You have no attachment to the stuff and no trouble deciding what to get rid of. And once it's gone, it's gone.

Hi

Can you afford to get a dumpster?
Filling up a big dumpster would make the work go faster.

I live with a man who hoards, really, really hoards.
If he dies before I do my plan is to get a dumpster, fill it, have the company empty it and then I would fill it again and again until I'm done.