| Dianne | Posted: 20 April 2013 - 11:38 AM |
I had to walk away and decided to start a new topic. The cleaning is now getting to the hard stuff for me. Not just tossing obvious trash. Not just sorting and getting some things put away. Now I'm getting to the real deal ~ stuff that has been really damaged. I was going thru a pile in the upper hall. Laundry that I had tossed to do in no hurry. Well the cats have used it as a litter box. Really bugs me because we keep their boxes clean and bugs me even more that my sense of smell is obviously gone. I threw it into a garbage bag and took it to the laundry room. I started to go thru and pull off dried poop and shake out dust and fur. I did throw away 2 shower curtains that were over 30 years old. Other stuff is badly stained. Towels, shorts, t-shirts. This conversation started in my head. These things are so badly stained it will never come out. But you could try. But even with the hottest water and stain remover it won't. Do you really want to spend all that effort to get out stains and use up time you could be doing regular laundry? But it's good stuff. But do you really want to wear that against your skin even after you wash it? But I love these towels. If you loved them you would have taken care of them. But I can't replace those, they're part of a set and some of the others are clean in the linen closet. Some of these towels are Laura Ashley and they remind you of when Buffy was little and used them in her bathroom. You can't ever replace those. Well you just threw out the matching shower curtains. It was like I was outside myself and I was the person in one of the hoarding shows saying but I can still use that while the rational person holds up the disgusting thing and says throw it out. So I'm throwing 90% out. I'll try washing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and one pair of socks that don't look too bad. The carpet runner underneath has pee smells and dried poop. When I lifted it the smell was beyond rank and the hardwood floor is ruined. Now I'm facing the mental things that I always try to push under. I'm an asshole, no wonder my husband left, how could I let this happen, I'm beyond irresponsible, I'm not a grown-up, I'm stupid, I have to hide, why the hell can't I take care of things, if the neighbors knew that the outside looks so nice but the inside is so gross I'd be like one of those people on tv..."oh she seemed so nice, we never thought that could happen here...". Two houses in the neighborhood are for sale, I saw the pics and they are gorgeous. So I think why the hell couldn't I have kept up my home? When I sell it will have to be as something to gut and remodel. I've blown the money that was supposed to come from the sale by destroying the house. Who does that except a total loser? Everybody was right about me growing up. I was different, didn't fit in, blah, blah, blah. Shit I hate myself and that is just one little area. Ok so that is my rant. It's gonna get ugly ladies. Every time I need a break from the really bad stuff I will post it here. I'm embarrassed, I'm disgusted, I'm pissed. But I'd rather be pissed than crying. Anger gives me energy. | |
the hard stuff
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