Sorry, I shouldn't just drop things like that.

Yesterday I picked up a patio umbrella from the trash next to work. I haven't had a chance to open it up and look at it yet. If it won't work as a shade umbrella, it should work as a garden tarp. The handle is wood - so that has potential as well.

I have been getting the kids to check our plastic bags in the classroom for holes and throw the bad ones in the trash can. It is easier to resist trying to wash and recycle them when I don't have to touch them. I'm trying not to think about it. I don't have time.

And I have a student out on a 72 hour hold.

💔

Quick good morning to you all. Cm good work at storage and glad to hear you were swimming!

SubC, you do have a lot of emotionally difficult things going on broad and Lila, I am so worried about your respective health.

Road,

You and Lila are doing so well with food!

CM,

Nice job on the storage unit! Starting is the hardest part! Same with swimming.

I am struggling with my emotional bandwidth. My mom's best friend has a son who is two days older than I am. We lived next door to each other from age 2 to age 7. He was my first "boyfriend" I kissed him on the cheek! Yesterday he had emergency surgery to removed covid related blood clots from his brain after a stroke. He is still testing +, so he is in isolation. He can move his arms and legs and speak, so they are hopeful.

Heartdaughter's wife has covid. 11 more kids are out this week. Plus two whose mom just decided they will take the week off. Which means tomorrow I box up all the things they won't get to finish.

A fox ate 11 of my chickens.

Dd and sil are fighting because of his hoarding. I wish I could help him.

Graduation is Saturday. End of year evaluations are looming. So is the memorial service for my favorite uncle (I got him when I married dh) I need to not get covid the next three weeks. Stubbornness is my superpower...

Bean and I planted melons yesterday. Then in the evening I planted the last of the cucumbers and summer squash.

That leaves sweet potatoes, winter squash, pumpkins, edamame, sunflowers, and the few seedlings I haven't killed. I may buy pepper and tomato starts this year. Mine are sad. I have basil to plant too, but I am so late I might not bother. There is not enough room in my garden!

I completely lost my counter again.

That is my theme song - not enough room! Not enough time!

Update: It went mostly well. Some feelings of discouragement but not all, a bit of hope here and there. I stopped after I felt I'd done a reasonable amount, so I wouldn't burn out.

And then I decided to go to the Y and swim, 🏊‍♀️ which was another thing I needed to initiate.

So a pretty decent day. 🙂

Okay y'all. I'm getting ready to head out. Would've gone this morning and generally will be starting in the mornings. But today I also needed to get my remaining flowers planted. 🌷🌻⚘💐🌼🌹🌸 When the weather is decent there's always a backlog list. But I got 'em done.

Noticing something that I'm going to share here. Please resist the urge to practice amateur therapy, I had years of the professional kind and I'm frankly burned out on it, and its accompanying lingo. That's just a general request, not picking on anyone in particular. But I've got to employ a couple of words that might suggest that I am seeking a therapy-like response. I'm not. Common sense and relating are welcome though. 😉

Here's the observation. I'm nervous about going! I almost have anxiety. Dread, certainly. Brace yourself for the big therapy sounding words. Ahem. I dread the cognitive aspect of the sorting. (That's because I dread the uncertainty and mental energy drain of decision making.) And, I dread the emotional garbage that goes with this hoarding conundrum. That includes frustration, bad memories of things that never worked out, such as perhaps employment and/or marriage, and wishing I owned a home, the foreclosure and the moves, the wanting to be creative but having to fight so hard to make it happen. Yada Yada Yada.

Okay. Enough. I could go on and on but that's not the point. The point is, I'm dropping a pin 📌 on the map to say "This is how I'm feeling right here right now" - and then come back later and compare. Because maybe I'll feel a whole lot better once I've gone and done. It's quite likely this is just first time of the season jitters.

She's a digger, not a different.

Thanks Tatoulia, it was fun. Love you too, girl.

CM, watching your post with interest. I'm rIght behind you on the garage situation. That's my goal too... a little room to work. Definitely going to track square inches removed or something. I am not sure it will be concrete enough for me unless I do.

Perfect weather in Chicagoland today.

Gave puppy a bath. Her face and eyes were looking goopy. I think they are prone to that. Or maybe because she's a different she keeps getting stuff in her eyes and then they weep... got her all shiny and clean and she was having fun tearing around the house. Then she peed on my bed. Grrrrrr. Then she barfed. Oyyyyyy

Ate lunch... a modified chicken salad with a lot of veggies and seasonings to make up for The lack of salt. Bread is one of those things that's basically OUT entirely. So I am getting to know the whole range of things that are ok to eat that you can eat stuff off of or wrap stuff up in... and of course there's always lettuce. As long as it's not too healthy like chard! Cause I'm not eating that either. Lol. Hopefully when I see the nutritionist early June she will tell me I've been being overly cautious. But we will see.

Everyone have a good day

Watched the lunar eclipse last night - it was so pretty.

There is NO WIND right now plus mild temperatures, so it looks good for storage unit! I just have to muster a bit of focus. This is Executive Functioning Boot Camp. So much chaos from the various times of pulling out unwanted shelving and stacking things randomly.

I guess a goal to start with could be making it easier to get around in there? It'd be nice not to break a leg. Then turn to the goal of putting like with like, then pare down in each category.

Wish me luck!

Road, you are a superhero! What a satisfying, loving, important act! Love you so much!

No worries, you're smart to be vague as this is certainly searchable.

Subc, I wish you were right about the MRI but this was the Report from the radiologist on duty, not the doc. Interesting Thought though.

Boring day today. The son has a bad cold so we are kind of grounded here... I avoided thinking about all the things today by stitching for a long time. I've been working on this one piece for a year now and am almost done. Wondering how many hours it will take to finish it... I really have no clue. It could be five, it could be thirty! Omg I think I need to rethink this hobby!

Hope everyone had a good weekend...

Hi SubC. I haven't read all the posts.

I have a professional position and I get a paycheck. BF is self-employed. His daily place is a few blocks from my house. He sold that to very dear friends. The new owners have told me I'm free to just hang out as much as I want and I told them I don't mind doing a few shifts, out of kindness. I would not accept a thing, that would just be to help them out until they have their schedules and employees figured out. I used to work there sometimes if BF needed to go someplace and manager wasn't there. This way I could keep an eye on things and support the employees. The new owners want us to feel at home and to spend as much time as we like there. That means, dropping by to say hello or having a cup of coffee. So I brought pastries and we all had coffee together this AM. This will change my relationship with BF because I'm used to popping by a few times a day. His other place is a car ride away. It will be fine. He seemed a little nervous today. It's the end of an era for him. He can now concentrate on other aspects of the business and actually have some time off.

I know I'm vague. It's my own nervousness about the world (not anyone here).

Road, thank you for being the doggie rescue Uber! I'm glad you still made your MRI.

I come from a family with medical professionals. Sometimes doctors lie to get insurance to cover medical procedures that they think are important - like the CT will tell them more, but it isn't covered unless there was a problem with the mri. So suddenly you didn't hold your breath right after all. It is really frustrating when insurance companies get in the middle of patient care.

Story continued...

Traffic looks like it's standing still up ahead (5 lane main thoroughfare) and down the center of the road come two very chubby frenchies, just bounding along,one of the with a huge smile... Then they aim for the side walk and you can tell people in 18 cars breathe a sigh of relief, then oops back they go into the road again... both directions have stopped now. Jerks in the back who can't see what's going on are incapable of giving their fellow drivers the benefit of the doubt and just assume people have stopped traffic for no good reason are honking... I open my door and call them over like I know them and they come to my door! I try to get them to jump in but they are too winded and fat to jump. So I try getting out of my car and then they move away. So I think "I am gonna be late for this MRI... maybe someone else can get them..." and I get back in but then I realize I can't see where they are... so I get out again and they are standing behind my car just staring at me. So I open the back door - usually I have dog treats in there but they are missing - but I say "come on guys, let's go for a ride!" And the one comes over and let's me pick him up and put him in and then the other one comes over and says "I'm with him" and I manage to get her up and in and I get the door closed and get back in the drivers seat. Phew. Now what. I have two lost dogs in my car and no time to deal with them. One has a collar, no tags, and the other doesn't even have a collar and looks like she's lactating! So i start calling people. My bro doesn't answer. Cause he's in a pit from what just happened with his cat... call my bestie and she's locked down for another 30 mins before her kids are out the door. Then I call my Ps and they've just gotten out of the shower. I stop and get gas and try to give them a drink because one of them is having breathing problems... anyway, I end up turning around and going back home to let them out in my backyard and my friend offers to post their pictures on Facebook. And I continue on to the MRI. So I take some drugs just to make sure I don't freak out in the machine and those work well and I get that done and by the time it's over I check my phone and they've already found the owners and they've already picked them up at my house! So crazy. They were so cute I wish I could have hung out with them longer. I still haven't heard about how they got out. I just felt so. Lucky that they willingly got in my car. I guess they got tired and thought I was their Uber driver.

Got the results of the MRI but don't understand half of it. Despite the nurse and tech telling me I did amazing and followed the breathing and breath holding directions "perfectly" the report complains twice about how I was unable to hold my breath and therefore will have to now have a CT scan in august when they have contrast available again? And now the cyst/lesion/mass/structure that was on my left is now on my right? Or maybe I willed that one away and the right one was hiding during the ultrasound? The anatomy directionals would be consistent regardless of the imaging medium, Correct? Anyway, as annoying as that is I am going to be glad that it didn't seem to be saying "your abdomen is riddled with cancer." It's all relative. Now a single site of cancer is something I can wrap my head around and the kidney disease which seemed so devastating a month ago seems a lot more manageable... but we will see. There are so many things wrong with me I feel like this is just one of 5. If I could just find a doctor who would sit down with my file for an hour and interview me for an hour, they could figure it out. But No one does that it seems. Some of these alt types IVe tried and they end up trying to sell you all this product and it never goes anywhere anyway... conventional docs just refer you out and no one does the thinking part... any suggestions welcome,,,

Ok, another long blather. Hope you enjoyed my fun doggie rescue tale.have a good Sunday friends,

Hi all,

Tatoulia, time to travel sounds good... it's a shop or restaurant? I'm sure it's very hard to sell your "baby." Or part of your baby... even in ideal circumstances like you're not doing it because you're going under or for half its value... still must be hard. Have you started planning a trip yet?

Sub c, glad the meeting was no bid deal and you got some nice acknowledgements... I totally admire what you do and striving to do more. There are not many people who are so conscious of the repercussions of their buying choices. Most people are either ignorant of it or live in denial of it... I'm sure I am guilty of both.

Cm, I can totally relate to your feelings about the van and the storage unit... we are in this situation (some of us) because we are good at procrastinating and because we don't have the skill set of clearly seeing the next step and putting it in motion... or making decisions and sticking to them... combine that with an attachment to collecting or saving and here we are. But as you guys advised me months ago, "when you clear a place, guard the space!" That's a skill we may not have naturally - but we need it to live the way we want to live so we have to work on it. We are learning new skills and rewiring our brains to function better in these areas. I wish it was faster, but I am grateful for what I've learned so far from you all. You are really kind to worry about the relationship with your former handyman with all his health issues. I still think though that it was on him to take you guys off the hook. At any point he could have said, "I am having health issues - don't know when I will be able to resume working so I want you to move ahead with someone else and I will pay you back when I can. I hope you understand." I feel like if he cared about the relationship half as much that's the least he could have done. (I am just sensitive about this because I think I am in the habit of carrying around the weight of what should be other people's responsibility in their relationship with me.) I am just so glad you guys were able to get it done. That's the main thing. Stay friendly with him if that's what you want, but it's not fair for you to carry what should be his burden on your own shoulders.

We are all animal lovers here I think? I have a feel good story for ya... Friday morning driving to my MRI appt. traffic looks like it's - back ina second.

Good morning.

Tatoulia, I'm glad everything went well. I know you have to be vague for privacy, but I am confused.

You have a job that has nothing to do with your bf?
You have also been working with/for your boyfriend on a daily basis at a business where you were a coowner? Employee? Contractor?

Selling the business eliminated your connection to it except that whatever you were doing you can now do as a temp?

It's the sort of business where people just hang out?
But it would be weird if you did that without an invitation?

I'm imagining some sort of bar/restaurant/club/casino/bowling/mini golf/gym/gallery/bookstore


CM, I like Larry and I'm glad you are sewing.

Lila, it sounds like you are doing a good job keeping up and taking care of yourself with good nutrition!

Dh and I went to a concert last night and I didn't get to bed until after midnight - technically today. I tried to sleep late, and did for me, but I woke myself up from a dream of being at school tired and trying to make coffee with a really old hand grinder, but when I put the beans in they came out as cedar shavings. Then I could hear the roosters and the cat, and it was light and I was just awake.

Yesterday on the way to the concert we stopped at school so I could switch over the kiln (getting everything fired is tight this year) The talent show had just ended and one of my middle school boys saw me. He did a jaw drop. I said "I know. I'm going somewhere else." (Spaghetti strap dress, heels, and jewelry - he had only ever seen me in a t-shirt and jeans, or on very hot days T-shirt and teacher skirt)

What do I do in the summer? Try to keep up with the farm and try to catch up with the house? Fill the freezer and pantry? Sometimes work on my own pottery? Read a book and plan for fall?

In June, I have to do all my evaluations (about 40 hours of work), prep for the farm sitter, travel east for a memorial service, plan for my summer camp job and make examples, and teach two five day weeks of summer camp.

Summer camp spills into the start of July. Then I have some time to focus on the farm - weeding, harvesting, preserving, projects. before a long awaited family vacation - no county fair this summer because it conflicts - return to get things back into shape (the farm sitter doesn't maintain the garden) and August might have some breathing room, but I need to get planned and prepped for next year's classes and will be flooded in produce. Last week of august is classroom set up and open house.

Also - extra days with Bean.

Dh mowed down almost all the Blackberries yesterday. He said they have too much brush growing up in them and they need to rejuvenate and I don't have time this summer to make jam, and the peak harvest would be during our family vacation, which would stress me out. He told me to buy jam at the farmers market. He left one row to eat.

Bean is not coming to spend the night tonight. His parents need to stay home and work on house projects, so I will pick him up in the morning at dd's job.

Shout out to Road!

So much to do, so little time..

Good to hear from you ladies.

I ended up wearing a white linen blouse and a light summer skirt. I wore heels and brought flats. The meeting was excellent and afterward all of us went to the bar and had drinks and burgers. I had suggested a hotel for the meeting; my favorite hotel with a nice lobby and a good library style table with lamps. So we were able to read the paperwork and sign, etc. I ended up not reading any of it, just listened a bit as it was explained by the atty. he has been very good to work with and very knowledgeable without being a show off. So all of us, including the atty, went for drinks. Essentially bf sold part of one of his businesses. It's been causing us both a bit of stress. It certainly wasn't a fire or pandemic sale; he got full asking with no negotiation. It's just been a process. Emotionally tough at times but seems to be okay. It will change our relationship. I'm used to seeing him everyday. But we will be able to travel and do stuff and concentrate on a different, less taxing aspect of his other businesses.

Tmr I've been invited to coffee by the buyers. I'll bring pastries and we will have breakfast together. They have been very sweet to me and have invited me to spend as much time as I like there whenever I want. I told them I'll be happy to do a few shifts if they need me. All in all very positive and both BF and I are holding up well. He panicked a bit last night but seemed better today.

Thanks for your support. It's been a tough couple of months.

Good morning, feeling better.

SubC, I like how you put the work in. It's probably good for your body and for the earth, and the goats of course. What do you do in the summer when school is out?

Tatoulia, good luck with the meeting! I'm sure you will look lovely.

Good to see your update, CM. am trying to catch up. I am having some struggle days, too.

Road, praying for you.

Yesterday I threw away the very few pieces of trash in my bedroom and took care of some bills and stuff.

Today so far I loaded the dishwasher, made calls, and sorted the fridge. Then I made a lovely juice out of some aging carrots, oranges, and one slce of cantaloupe. It was excellent. I will probably make a green juice for lunch out of what needs to be used: some Romaine, half a cucumber, celery and green grapes.

I will work on things around here too.

Very quick update

Some struggle days and some better days. We got the storm windows purchased and hopefully they are the right size. Larry has a job next week but he will be available the week after. He communicates consistently. We like that! He will also fix the front door.

The average wind speed around here is lessening. I will be able to work in the storage unit without the wind shoving in like a bully and causing things I've stacked to tumble or stuff to get blown outside.

Getting a little sewing done.

Hello everyone. Coffee clinks!

Road and Lila, I am thinking of you both and very worried, too. Very difficult to be facing health crises. I'm so sorry.

I feel that I'm not sufficiently caught up on everyone's posts. So much going on for each of you.

Everything is pretty much the same here. We got a phone message Thursday night telling us to work from home on Friday so not sure what that was about.

Big day with BF and his plans for the future. I'm nervous so I have been up since 730. Trying to figure out if laundry would calm me down. I'm so fat and do not know what to wear to the meeting this afternoon. I did buy clothes Thursday night. Not sure where my confidence level is going to be. I'd like to wear jeans and a new linen blouse with jewelry. But BF might be a little picky on that front. I should just ask him what he's wearing.

Good morning!
Coffee clinks.

Lila,
Excellent job letting go of clothes.

I ran across a reference to the effects of fossil fuel on our lives - apparently it averages out to 60 people working 24/7 for every human on the planet. Obviously "1st world" countries and America in particular reap far more of those benefits.

So my home will never meet cultural standards and that is why I am always tired. When I choose to build garden beds by hand, when I choose to hang laundry, when I choose to sweep instead of vacuum, when I walk around the school building looking for the person I want to talk to instead of calling them, when I clean stalls with a pitchfork and spread compost by hand and pull weeds and walk to the garden to get my lettuce - I am giving up part of the energy equivalent of slave labor that makes western life possible.

Yesterday Dh roughcut the front lawn with the tractor. Parts of it were knee high. I raked up 5 wheel barrow loads for the boy goats. Hopefully now that the grass is growing I won't need to buy hay again until fall. The boys are basically on feedlot though. Their pasture is poor and they are overgrazing it, but I am trying to add organic matter by keeping them on it and running weeds and brush through their digestive systems - my choice over woodchippers and fertilizers, and another example of time and energy in place of petroleum.

2 more weeks of school and I feel completely out of time.

My brain hurts, but here I am. Doing better, still waiting for testing etc.

SubC, everything in my bedroom has been sorted twice this year, except the jewelry drawer. But I did manage to go in there this week and tell myself, "if you don't want clothing all over the rocking chair and tables, you have to make space for it in the drawers and closet." So I went in the drawers and put several clothing items into the donate box, and I think 2 items from the closet went in as well. This is unreasonably hard for me but I did it.

Weather is turning nice, so perhaps it is time to put sweaters and warmer clothing into the space I created in the drawers. This would free up some closet space for summer items.

I worked all week and today I have off, have been resting and spending time with Tot. I will do a bit of work in my room again shortly.

I let someone in my house the other day without time to fix it up. So she got to see it in its natural state, but I think she assumes with my dx I have gotten behind on things. If I had the energy, I could clean the living room and kitchen up in a day or two - its not that bad anymore.

CM,

I have been thinking about him to phrase this, because I just want to give you a little push in a direction you seem to want to go, not pressure you and make you feel like you have to justify not doing what I say - which I think would make things harder.
So, take it or leave it, no explanation required.

You have said you give up too easily on the storage space. I think you let the perfect be the enemy of the good and then not doing it becomes a habit.

If you really want to get out of that rut - just go. What are you doing instead? How important is it? There has to be a time in your day when you can go to the storage unit. You used to drive to the bathroom. Now you don't. Use that time. It may seem like a "waste" if you don't accomplish anything, but it is the start of a good habit. Go. Go in. Take one item out of the van. Take another item out of the van. Keep going as long as you can. Leave when you feel like you did something but before you feel overwhelmed. Go back the next day. Lather, rinse, repeat.

When the van is empty, identify an item that goes somewhere else. Put it in the van. Take it to the somewhere else. Unload it. The item can be in your home or in your storage area, but it's destination cannot be the other location.

CM, you guys have so much bad luck!

I'm glad you're getting things fixed anyway.

My husband and I have almost completely separate routines that mostly interact to disrupt each other. When I came home tonight and he was here, I actually greeted him with "why are you not at your guitar lesson?"

My meeting went fine. Apparently I am a valued asset to the program and always very prepared. Also I can rip out the horrible built in shelves under my window this summer.

Hi ladies

Continued hugs and prayers to Lila and Road in the health battles. I had not heard about the contrast shortage. Only the other day learned of the baby formula one.

I keep waiting for days when the wind is not blowing so much. It's hard enough to motivate, or to figure out where to start, with the storage unit, and needing to factor in windy/not windy really complicates things and makes me feel more inclined to procrastinate. Not that I need a lot of encouragement to do that. I'm a natural.

In a reckless moment, I got on the scale to assess the damage from all my months of stress eating. Ugh. So another thing I want to work in is exercise. Maybe I should just do that for a few days until the weather (dare I hope?) shifts out of the windy pattern. It'll probably shift directly into the hot as the surface of the sun pattern; we've had a few hot days already.

Sometimes I just wonder if I should wait until fall now to do much. Except that there are two garage sales coming up that I wanted to pull stuff out for. And it seems extreme to give up so easily, and this has already been the pattern for years, the pattern I keep resolving to break.

This Saturday is roommate's birthday and then it's just a matter of getting to the 14th of June, July, August, and September respectively and she will be DONE with that crazy job. No more stress, Zoom meetings, etc. Unfortunately it won't be a time of just coasting because they have several big projects and events coming up. And they may decide to call people back to the office.

Day to day routines are so hard to establish for myself, let alone taking into account another non family person's routines. I think it'd be different if I was married because then my husband and I would have a sort of joint routine, though we'd still have to coordinate the separate individual routines that don't overlap.

Let's see, what else

Was able to get some sewing done on my quilt at the sewing studio last Friday. Hope to make it tomorrow night as well. Glad it's picking up again.

Roommate is looking into the other home repair projects that stalled out last year. The biggest is storm windows and it may be that my dilemma regarding my storage unit will be put on hold while I help with getting the windows purchased and brought here in my van. (Which entails at least stashing the contents of the back of my van into storage, wind or no wind, sigh.) For installation we will have a new guy, Larry. We are not sure where we stand with the old one. There is a lot of unresolved there. Would like to hope that the friendship is not broken and that he can understand why we had to go ahead and get the work done and that we are sympathetic to the fact that he just had too much on his plate and his health was in crisis.

And Larry will also fix the front storm door latch. The door was installed by the previous guy, it's a new door, but there are some issues with the way it meets the frame and the locking mechanism. So we haven't been able to go in and out the front door for about a month now.

Dare we hope nothing else will break? I dunno. On Sunday we went to pick up bunny food and my roommate's car door got backed into by the lady who had taken the bunny club mom and daughter out to lunch. Sheesh. I couldn't see at first and was afraid the impact was up by the front end and the car wouldn't be driveable. So at least it wasn't that bad. But another hassle and stress for roommate.

So basically things are disjointed, and I hope I can figure out a good approach to getting more of a flow going.

We are planting - flowers for me, vegetables and flowers for roommate. And gradually getting the patio back to being a place to enjoy, now that it isn't going to be bashed up and hauled off as we'd thought.

Subc, just keep your post in mind when they ask you and have a canned answer prepared... I sense feeling like that is unusual for you but I feel on the edge at every school meeting ever. The only thing that has ever worked is remaining totally detached. If there is something of substance you want to communicate that can always be done later via email.

The H is going crazy right now too. Tough time of year for teachers.

Got into it a bit with the H regarding the dishes last night. To be fair to him, it was a huge mess and he'd just had a 12 hour day including a 3 hour track meet In 91 degrees and high humidity. To be fair to me, we hosted dinner on Sunday for Mother's Day (hello, I'm a mother, too) which is what generated most of the dishes, and Monday I was very sick,and I was cleaning yesterday, it just wasn't in the kitchen. He makes blanket statements which aren't true, then I defend myself, then he goes on the attack. My adrenal glands are tired of this b.s. I'm fully aware that I am not "doing enough" but it's not accurate that I am not doing anything. It's totally discouraging to be trying really hard and anything short of perfection or whatever his expectation is For a given day (which is all over the map,) Is "nothing." Oyyyyyyyyyy avoiding him now for a few days now thankyouverymuch.

My son just woke up an hour early so I'm gonna go see what's up. I was just complaining anyway. 🥴🙄

Yes road, we crossed. Sorry.

I'm glad your Mother's Day went ok.

I hope the health issues resolve into something you can handle. I'm very proud of you for taking care of yourself and changing your diet!

My sil forgot I was coming yesterday. It left me with a hole in my schedule, no Bean, and no dinner. I could have used the hole for glazing or practice at the studio, but there was no easy way to get dinner once I waited twenty minutes to hear from him or see if he was coming home, and I was too hungry and tired to be creative. I watched my instructor doing some prep work, stayed for the demo, and then came home. Dh made me food. I somehow managed to accomplish nothing but chores and still not get to bed until ten.

It was a rough day at school yesterday. The kids have spring fever, it's hot, and I had two students reduced to tears, three broken projects, and my heartgrandson who is currently struggling with the teacher/family line. (By the end of class I was struggling with it too - I wanted to physically immobilize him by wrapping my arms around him and tucking my chin over his shoulder so he would be still and listen like I did when he was little.) I spent over half my lunch hour struggling with a paper jam in the printer.

We are out of bread.

I have my end of year meeting with my administration this morning. I'm supposed to discuss things that went well and things that went badly and all I can think is "I'm too tired to (expletive) care and I don't really have time for this meeting today. Thanks for not firing me, can I go do my job now?" And "please don't make me cry. I have to teach after this." And "I am disorganized, low energy, messy, exhausted, becoming cynical and disengaged in the classroom, and barely keeping the illusion of competence intact. Actually I think some of the kids know I'm winging this - what's your take?"

Not going to say any of that obviously.

Bread.

Hey sub c, looks like we cross posted. You try to tackle more work in a day on most days than any one I know.

When there's seemingly "too much" and it's hard to sort, one thing that helps me if that 80/20 principle. Somewhere in the swirl is a 20% target where if you do those tasks you will get the biggest (80%) pay off. And likewise, 80% of your efforts are likely to only give you 20% of your pay off. Moral of the story is try to find that 20% - most essential, most important, but least time consuming tasks and just do those first. If only it were that easy. I do really think it's true but honestly I forget to think that way most of the time.

I ended up digging into my room a bit... took the swifter and swept all things on the pathway, in the closet, and under the bed and out into the hallway. Some garbage mixed in but mostly laundry and it's a lot of laundry! I also have a big pile of clean clothes on the bed. As predicted I am to that point where it's time to do a clothing purge. I never thought it would take me this long to get to this point but I know I have not slid backwards (too much) anyway. But I really have to get some closure on this project. Still, even in a year where I didn't have big Psychological monsters lurking behind me May is not really the time of year to get a lot done. Just so much going on in school and other areas. I threw away about 30 printed emails. Whoopdy doo! Ha! No, I'm proud of myself. That's a challenge.

My Paper sorting categories usually end up looking like this:
1) son/health
2) son/school
3) son/recreation
4) me/health
5) me/hobby/stitchy things
6) me/hobby/genealogy
7) receipts/financial stuff
8) master lists (rolling eyes at this one)
9) Hot hot urgent don't lose and tape it to the wall by the door.
10) daily schedule sheets/clipboard
11) other misc crap that I try to just pitch.

I just went somewhere very dark indeed but I am not going to even type it out.

Diet stuff is going well. Turns out getting scared to death of dying prematurely really lit a fire under me. Last night I made an entree out of this book... kind of disappointing but still worth walking through the steps and now maybe I can modify it a little more to our liking. It was peppers stuffed with rice and collard greens basically. The seasoning was basically just lemon juice which was fine if your palate is in the mood for that... I think it would prob be better with a Mexican profile, heavy on the spices, cilantro and lime juice for zIng. The H understands the food is going to be very different now but he's ok with eating healthier for sure. This is horrifying but we all weigh the same Right now. H is 20+ where he likes to be but is 6'5". I am just barely holding on to 5'1" and my son is only 5'4" or so so that's really bad for him being so young. I took 30 years of adulthood to get here. He's now on thyroid meds and his diet is about to radically change again due to my situation so hopefully we start seeing our numbers go down together. I don't care about my husbands weight. He's just being vain honestly. But my son and I really really need to drop the pounds. I'm down about 10 so far. First 10 are the easiest but better than struggling right off the bat.

Ok, that's way too much of me in a single day. If I do anything amazing I will come back and update you.

Ciao ciao!

Hi Tatoulia

Thanks for checking in, I was feeling lonely.

I am still trying to pack too much into too little time - and berating myself for failing. And for "wasting" time reading or watching videos online. Yesterday I made myself stop watching an inspirational video and go outside and weed. Because surely every moment I am not asleep can be productive. Knowing that is absurd and I would never expect it of someone else does not seem to help.

Weeding was all I had the energy for - it is pretty much mindless. Planting requires thought. Cleaning the house requires too much executive function.

"I am woman! I am invincible! I am tired!"

We had a dance at school this weekend - it seems to have been a super spreader event. 11 kids and two staff out as of yesterday afternoon. Masks required in teen classes all week.

Less than 3 weeks of school left. Since we aren't in session on Mondays, that's 11 days. I am in "not enough/too much time" mode.

The sun is rising - gotta go do chores.

Hi gang, quiet week here looks like...

Trying to figure out where to start... this past week there were some good things, some bad... the health news is mostly bad other than the fact that I'm staying on top of it. More on that in a minute.

We did have people over for Mother's Day. My parents, brother, and the H's mom. She isn't typically invited over for things because they are usually estranged, but ever since the H's youngest brother died (2020) she's been trying harder or is better able to be civil. She does talk about him as if he's still alive - they have "conversations." I am someone who believes that people's spirits live on and I've personally experienced getting visitations or messages in dreams. But she takes it to a whole other level. I hesitate to apply the term delusional to that situation because I don't know how a parent is supposed to get through something like that. But historically, she has been delusional about a lot of things. Like she firmly believes she paid for his college when she most distinctly did not, etc. But anyway, it feels good that we can reach out to her a little more now. She is in poor health and is living in a low income retirement community. It's just adequate - very no-frills - such a contrast to where my parents are living.

Anyway so she came and my parents and brother were very sociable with her - they are good about that. I'm sure they were confused when she was talking about what Her son (the deceased) said the other day.

And my poor brother had a tragedy this week. He lets his cat out to sun himself on nice days and he went to move the car to mow the lawn and he ran over the cat. He brought the poor guy into the vet but he was gone. He was such a sweet cat and my brother was so sweet with him. We are all just sick about it.

For the Mother's Day thing we drove out to the country and picked up some stuff from our favorite BBQ place, and then just made some more dishes to go with it. It should have been super easy and relaxing but again the cleaning before hand was stressful and the H is annoyed I didn't get more done earlier and he helps but does stupid things like clean rooms no one will see or dig up dandelions when the patio table hasn't been washed since last October and we are about to eat off of it. That is just how he is so the solution is that I do more prep before hand. But this one did kind of morph from dessert only into a whole thing. My own fault. But pleasant day and we did another watermelon drop for my son which was really fun. And he looooooves getting the attention of an extra grandma.

My sister didn't make it because she got her new puppy. I know I've. Itched about this before but she was active on all of these pet adoption/rescue sites but she only buys dogs from breeders. She jumps through so many hoops justifying it it's ridiculous. She has had trouble maintaining her pets and is very strapped for cash and is supplemented heavily by my parents. She had 4 dogs, then when they started dying off they got five rag doll cats. Then she got another dog and said that was the last one. Then when we got our puppy last year I didn't even tell her about it because I was afraid it would prompt her to get another puppy. Well of course she did get one. Then recently she started talking about getting another One and everyone tried to talk her out of it and she was so pissed at everyone and passive aggressively dissed us all on Facebook. But she proceeded and then we all kind of just accepted it. So she picked up the puppy this week. Then yesterday she mentioned two puppy names and I'm like wait - what? And she got two! So now she has four dogs again. She also lied and said the breeder donated the second one. At least half of her dogs And cats have been"donated" to her by breeders. Ok. So it's concerning that she's still spending money she hasn't got at 5x the rate it's coming in. Frustrating. But this is the pattern.

Well anyway, same old same old. Good thing I'm so perfect. Haha

So my health sitch is looking worse every time I go see someone. I got repeat labs done and nothing changed. Then I got an U/S and they found two problems- one thing on my kidney, and something with my liver. I already knew there was something going on with my liver from a CT scan 15 years ago. Do then I got a referral to a urologist which I didn't understand, but got in to see him and started reading his card and it had all this cancer stuff on it. I just got a general referral to this practice so maybe I was reading into it but then he came into the room and started saying mechanically how these cysts are almost always nothing and blahblahblah and then he starts looking at the images and quickly shifts gears. He starts describing it in medical terminology and That how even though there's a worldwide shortage of contrast I'm a worthy recipient because ... (this is looking bad) I'm like that doesn't sound good... And he kind of waves that off and next thing I know I'm setting up an MRI appt. I checked in with this kidney group I joined and a lot of people said they had cysts, no big deal, monitoring... but their descriptions all sounded the same as each other and different than mine. Also naturally I looked things up and the words he used are not associated with "no big deal benign"... so MRI Friday.

Also scheduled gyne, nutritionist, and something else. I haven't updated my friends yet and my family still is in the dark. I haven't been able to bring myself yet to deal with my sons school situation so that's looking more and more like I'm not up for the fight.prob too late now anyway. And his medical stuff has been on hold while I work out my stuff and I can't put that off anymore, but now we are staring down graduation...

My kitchen is a mess. My house needs picking up,and my room is trashed.

So that's my journal entry, vent,and life update.

I hope everyone is hanging in there and enjoying the (hey we didn't get a spring) weather.

Lila, thanks for the update On your situation and hoping for a plan that you feel good about... thinking of you 💕

I'm here. Just getting caught upon posts. I had a wonderful two days on the Cape and my mother never noticed I was gone. Had a good Mother's Day with her. My friend stopped by to borrow my car and she brought mom roses. Good day. I was at office today and going in again tmr. Cleaners came today instead of tmr.

So I have nice clean sheets waiting for me.

Will catch up on the posts. Just wanted to say hello.

Good morning!

I am tired. Bean woke up at 2:30 last night because/and he stripped his sheet off the crib and he yelled for someone to fix it. Then I had trouble getting back to sleep.

Dd2 cut down all the trees that were growing up in my garden space and helped me remove a rotting fence post and a piece of rusting fence (the fence has been there for 19 years partly buried in wet clay and needs to be replaced)

She helped me move the mobile chicken coop to a new field. We cut back some blackberry canes and she brush hogged a section of overgrown field for me where Bean and I are going to plant melons. Then we planted and mulched (with the last of the mulch from fall) ten elderberry bushes where I am trying to establish a hedge and laid out a field tarp to solarize the weeds where I hope to grow a sunflower house for Bean.

Then she took a nap.

Dd1 showed up with her family and the girls cooked dinner. It was a good day.

Hi Lila.

I am glad you were able to rest and let things slide.

You did a lot in your house! Have your things really been sorted twice this year?! I have things in my house I haven't looked at since well before Bean was born.

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I will try. I think things like "camping stuff" can definitely be binned up and labelled "camping stuff". Likewise the "kitchen items for kids to take or toss"

I think I would make a small notebook with all the important information in it and put it somewhere it will easily be found - people don't usually look through files near the start. Also tell people where it is and what it is.

Clothes, just start trying them on and keep your favorites that fit in you clothing storage until it is full - the rest donate or I guess bin if you think you might change size or wear the favorites out. One thing about cancer treatment that I have seen is that it usually leads to weight loss.

I wish my grandmother had labelled the quilts by maker.

We only got two loads of mulch yesterday - the line was much worse than usual, but it was barely enough for the play set and is all spread.

Today my dd2 is here. She just arrived with cinnamon rolls to pop in my oven, and then she is going to help me in the yard/garden/barn as I choose.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you. Lila and road, I hope you are celebrated by your kids. CM, thank you from all of the critters you care for who can't say it, and Tatoulia, thank you from the mother's whose lives you make better by the energy you invest in their kids. Thinking of Tillie today.

post 3 - I would like help.

I am feeling stuck on my bedroom now, since all trash is bagged, papers sorted. But it is still piled up and cluttered. Every pile, cabinet, and drawer has been sorted at least twice this year.

My goal, aside from making space, is to have it be evident what is important if I die. I don't want my family to have to go through piles.

Goals:
- All clothing contained in closet and drawers (meaning, I have to get rid of some things or bin them to the garage).

- 'good' jewelry in a jewelry box, separate from 'play' stuff I keep around for the grands.

- photos, videos, albums evident

-important papers somewhere

-heirlooms identified. Not sure if I should make a list of what belonged to my mom, dad, grandma, etc... what do you think? A list and put it in a folder labeled important or something?

NO PILES for family to sort through if I am gone!! None! It would be so terrible, I think.

I am starting this with my bedroom but really I have a whole family room and garage to deal with if I have time.

How to do this? Suggestions? How do I know if I should get rid of an item? For example camping stuff, sports items, that I think the grands will use. VS old pots and pans, kitchen items, that I think teen or son will use when they move out within 2 years. Bin things together with a label on the bin? Thoughts??

post 2 today -

I went in my room with an empty trash bag and forced myself.

- sorted all the new, short piles of papers covering every surface. Most got thrown away. Many were shredded. A few got put in a 'do soon' pile, a few in a 'file' pile, and a few in a 'I dunno but save' pile. All piles are on my bed.

- picked up bits and pieces of trash off the floor etc and threw them away. Got pretty much all of it.

- put one item in the donate box.

That's all I could handle, but it's progress. I will go back in soon and try to do a little more. I caught up on reading here and want to say, praying for you all, especially Road with the medical issues.

Whew. Hi all, I'm back.

I had to take the whole week off work, like, for real, no "I'm taking off but working at home because I can't let anything slide." I actually let things slide! I needed the rest so badly. I had medical procedures this week that were NOT FUN and were kind of frightening but I got through it. Now waiting on pathology reports and have to see the oncologist again in 2 days. Praying for positive news.

I was too sick and weak to get much done. However, I did gather all the books that I have borrowed, and I got one of them read. I will return it this week. I'll read or skim the others so I can return them too.

My bedroom is in severe chaos. I did take 3 items I had ordered online and returned them yesterday. I clipped my dog's nails. I did a load of laundry.

I will gladly accept any encouragement to do something about my bedroom.

Good morning.

Today is mulch day. The township I teach in gives away free mulch and compost twice a year. (It's not really "free" because I have to drive the truck 45 minutes each way, but it's cheap.)

This year the mulch will be for Bean's play set. It was actually my kids' play set, but Dd cleared away all the brambles, and now we will put down cardboard and mulch so that Bean can use it.

I need to leave in an hour and a half to get the first load. Then I will call Dd and dsil, and they will bring Bean out to me and take the truck to get the next load, while Bean and I spread the first one and prep cardboard for the next one. Repeat all day. In the unlikely event that we get too much mulch for the play set (the line is long and I'm betting we get three loads) the rest will be piled up for garden use and mud control in goat pens.

Dh and I have a concert tonight, so I will have to quit early.

House is still a mess, no progress on decluttering, counter is nearly gone again. Three more weeks of school.

We still have not gotten our new credit cards over two weeks after having to cancel them because the number was stolen. So I have bought nothing but gasoline and feed. I have to write checks or go to the bank counter to get cash because I don't have an atm or debit card or any payment ap (personal choice) Dh got groceries on Thursday.

That is hilarious about the MIL. Well you are well underway. 2000 sounds amazing. Mine is roughly 8x20 and even that is broken up into pieces... I have one raised bed and peas against the fence on the drive way side and usually do some pots. Nothing so far this year though. The thing I get the biggest joy from are having a nice variety of heirloom tomatoes. Should expand my bean offerings though as that is a safer bet for kidney stuff. What's the point of living if you can't eat heirloom tomatoes?! I grew this one type of long bean that had the most amazing blossom and fragrance.

Started another load of laundry... and brought up the one from the dryer. The new sheets are on the bed. They're not on the bed but they are folded sitting on the bed. Haha.

One goal I had for this year which I *have* achieved is getting my sons social and recreational calendars back to pre pandemic levels... he has been pleasantly busy for the last 3 months just the way he likes it. And today was the day to sign up for summer activities. Almost spaced it, then I had technical issues repeatedly, but I got it done. Phew.

Yes, they travel all the time. Mil may get more joy out of the opportunity to complain about this than she would have gotten from the trip.

I have planted lettuce, spinach, beets, kohlrabi, turnips, peas, rutabaga, onions, scallions, leeks, garlic, green beans, purple beans, yellow beans, black beans, Lima beans, potatoes, carrots and radishes. My garden is 2,000 square feet. This sounds like a lot, but 40% of that is paths. And it provides vegetables for 7 adults, a teenage boy, and a toddler. It seems big when I am prepping beds and planting in the spring, but not when it is May and I am out of green beans and won't have more for three months. I would actually like to double it.

Subc, nightmare scenario on that tour situation with the in-laws. hoping this isn't that once in a lifetime trip. But I think you said they have some dough?

Long stretch of gray and rainy and cold here also. This spring is one for the books. Yesterday the sun broke through late in the day and I did exactly nothing about it other than to notice it. Tatoulia you are setting a good example getting out there walking... maybe I will try a walk today. Good you all can't see my facial expressions...

Cm, nice job on catching up on some stuff... that's got to feel good. Hope migraines are under control. My friend in Norman OK keeps me appraised of all that crazy weather. In Chicagoland the tornado alley tends to run just south of us but we occasionally get smacked. On Saturday we had one touch down a few towns East. (And not far from the prom) but it was an hour earlier.

No gardening happening here yet. Sub c, anything in the ground yet? I think you said you'd started a couple things?

Lila, hope you are holding up ok getting through the various appts and tests.

Road - good for you on your accomplishments!

The cross post sits made me smile.

Road, there's a part in fiddler on the roof about "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, and we will all be blind and toothless" you need to do whatever it takes to help yourself be as healthy as possible. Justice is overrated - if you sue, the insurance company will either fight you or settle. Either way, the doctor's premiums will go up and that cost will be passed on to patients. If you lose it will cost you money and time. If you get a settlement, taxes and lawyers will take a big bite, but it might help with your expenses. Letting local people know how the doctor failed you would have a more positive effect on your community and be more likely to directly effect the doctor.

I am tired. My body is sore. My house is a mess.

My inlaws went on a month long Viking tour of Europe. They flew to Hungary on Friday. Yesterday they were denied permission to continue with the tour because fil tested + for covid. They are quarantining in a hotel for 5 days and will then have to fly home.

Hi errrbody,

1) remembered the laundry! There's nothing in the wash and a load dry in the dryer!
2) it includes new sheets! I thought of Tatoulia the entire time I was pulling them from the wash and putting them into the dryer.
3) baby birds outside my window.
4) major health wake up call in progress... nothing to report other than that I am actually "on it."
5) rare accomplishment yesterday... tracked down missing box and went through it all the way down to the bottom. **
6) doggie 1 fully recovered from almost bleeding to death episode. Back to being scrappy with doggie 2. All antibiotics were administered and on time. Most other meds as well.
7) Ps seem to have gotten through their case of Covid without too much trouble.
8) we seem to have gotten through a very front-facing weekend without catching it.

I'll stop there because I am starting to pad my answers and because 8 is my favorite.

** Saturday when we thought people were coming to our house for prom pictures... while I was upstairs getting my son ready the H took the assorted paperwork off the dining room table and boxed it up and stashed it. Yesterday I took the rare initiative (because important papers were missing) to track down the box (quite large and heavy) and haul it back up to the dining room. I don't attempt stuff like this much anymore because it would hurt my hips too much to carry something with both hands up a flight of stairs. I've basically been pulling myself upstairs using a lot of arm strength... but hips have gotten slightly better due to PT so I tried it and I made it. I may have done some swearing. Got it to the table and went through it all. This scenario (I let stuff pile up in a public space and the H is annoyed by it. He boxes it up without saying anything and stashes it somewhere x392) is how we have 392 boxes of assorted paperwork in the garage and basement.

Only 391 to go. You know how we've joked about square inch reports? And how on ww ("double dub") people have that signature on the end of their posts that records starting, current, and goal weight, etc.
?-
SW: ###
CW
GW
And other stats that identify where they are on the journey?maybe I should start signing off my posts that way in here... V is volume.
?-
SV: 413 large bins
CV: 392
garage: 192
basement: 179
back forty: 10
DR: 1 deconstructed
BR: Currently in pitched battle with self defending 31 sf of reclaimed floor space.
Focus project: installing shelves in closet
Impetum vitae: renibus decrepitus

Cm, I don't know which is scarier, the tornado or the migraine. It sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

Gett8ng ready for work, off to the office soon. Another grey day here. Will have to check if it's supposed to rain.

Once again, having difficulty finding time to post. Last week had at least two more migraines - one prior to the storm that generated a tornado that damaged homes in Andover, KS the suburb east of Wichita. Fortunately no fatalities.

I've been doing some laundry, and other catching up tasks. It's sporadic, my productivity, and because I've had to wait to post, I've forgotten details. We've had off and on rain but some actual nice weather here and there. Maybe it will start to string together a stretch of nicer weather.

The front that produced the tornado, once it was past, my migraines I think went with it - fingers crossed they won't return!

Hi Road. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Is there a plan for your next steps? I am so sorry about this.

I had a fairly successful day. Managed to fly under the radar. Walked home from work, which felt good. Now I've showered and just hanging out.

I returned two blouses at Macys tonight, which felt pretty good. I've been meaning to do so and just got it out of the way. I have my wonderful cleaners tomorrow.

That's the news from here.

Hi guys,

Health update... got the kidney u/s. Sounds like there may be scarring on both sides which isn't a surprise given the stage I'm in. Also found a cyst/lesion which is hopefully of the harmless benign kind and not polycystic kidney disease (Which I think would be a worse dx than general chronic kidney disease...) will need to do ct or mri next and hopefully that will pick up some of the other nonsense that's been going on in my abdomen. Nurse will call and tell me what I need to do. I updated my two friends who are on my "team" and the one who has all the healthcare credentials really thinks I should let go of all the anger I have at this doc for bungling my healthcare. Or helping me to bungle it. I am not sure I am prepared to do that but I am taking it under advisement. Same with the school situation for my son. I guess I am waving a big flag named JUSTICE! or something but I also need to not diminish my reserves and I don't want to juice my adrenal glands/cortisol levels any more than they already are. If there are steps I can take that aren't super stressful I will take them and reevaluate in another week...

Needing to do a big all day paper sort and organization and rewriting of notes, etc. for all the stuff that's in limbo... that's my goal for today/tomorrow.

I didn't make it to the post office yesterday. I did, however, get cat litter, clean her box, and I also worked on the coffee table. I shredded papers, got all the tax stuff in a pile, etc. I had a meeting that went to 5:30. So although the box is ready to post (I've put the address on), I will have to wait to mail it. The kids know it's coming, so I better look alive.

My eye is definitely on the mend. I highly recommend using telemedicine for minor things such as this. It was easy, fast, free (my blue cross offers it for free with no co-pay) and did the trick.

I washed my cardigans last night. All around, I had a good day yesterday.

Now I need to get ready for work.

Morning check in. A bit of a grey day here. I do have cat blankets to wash. Might do later in the day.

I am going to set an appointment for me to work on coffee table. I also need to get to the post office today to mail some treats to our friends' children.