| Dianne | Posted: 20 April 2013 - 11:38 AM |
I had to walk away and decided to start a new topic. The cleaning is now getting to the hard stuff for me. Not just tossing obvious trash. Not just sorting and getting some things put away. Now I'm getting to the real deal ~ stuff that has been really damaged. I was going thru a pile in the upper hall. Laundry that I had tossed to do in no hurry. Well the cats have used it as a litter box. Really bugs me because we keep their boxes clean and bugs me even more that my sense of smell is obviously gone. I threw it into a garbage bag and took it to the laundry room. I started to go thru and pull off dried poop and shake out dust and fur. I did throw away 2 shower curtains that were over 30 years old. Other stuff is badly stained. Towels, shorts, t-shirts. This conversation started in my head. These things are so badly stained it will never come out. But you could try. But even with the hottest water and stain remover it won't. Do you really want to spend all that effort to get out stains and use up time you could be doing regular laundry? But it's good stuff. But do you really want to wear that against your skin even after you wash it? But I love these towels. If you loved them you would have taken care of them. But I can't replace those, they're part of a set and some of the others are clean in the linen closet. Some of these towels are Laura Ashley and they remind you of when Buffy was little and used them in her bathroom. You can't ever replace those. Well you just threw out the matching shower curtains. It was like I was outside myself and I was the person in one of the hoarding shows saying but I can still use that while the rational person holds up the disgusting thing and says throw it out. So I'm throwing 90% out. I'll try washing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and one pair of socks that don't look too bad. The carpet runner underneath has pee smells and dried poop. When I lifted it the smell was beyond rank and the hardwood floor is ruined. Now I'm facing the mental things that I always try to push under. I'm an asshole, no wonder my husband left, how could I let this happen, I'm beyond irresponsible, I'm not a grown-up, I'm stupid, I have to hide, why the hell can't I take care of things, if the neighbors knew that the outside looks so nice but the inside is so gross I'd be like one of those people on tv..."oh she seemed so nice, we never thought that could happen here...". Two houses in the neighborhood are for sale, I saw the pics and they are gorgeous. So I think why the hell couldn't I have kept up my home? When I sell it will have to be as something to gut and remodel. I've blown the money that was supposed to come from the sale by destroying the house. Who does that except a total loser? Everybody was right about me growing up. I was different, didn't fit in, blah, blah, blah. Shit I hate myself and that is just one little area. Ok so that is my rant. It's gonna get ugly ladies. Every time I need a break from the really bad stuff I will post it here. I'm embarrassed, I'm disgusted, I'm pissed. But I'd rather be pissed than crying. Anger gives me energy. | |
Replies (197)
| Dianne | Posted: 27 January 2014 - 10:36 AM |
Dave, LOL! I actually do have some sturdy gates protecting the community. At first they were to keep the dogs out of the living room. But they served the purpose of containing the hoard from spilling into the foyer. Of course even the best gates don't always keep out the riff raff. The kitties consider that room and the dining room their personal jungle playgrounds. Some of my other gated goat paths are pretty useless gates. They are simply beds that I have been trained to step over when there is a sleeping fat cat in one. | |
| Dave | Posted: 27 January 2014 - 09:19 AM |
Dianne, You roll the office chair to the right to open up the left path to food. You roll the office chair to the left to open up the right path to Stuff City. | |
| Darci | Posted: 25 January 2014 - 10:15 AM |
@Dianne... I find that I can really relate to your feelings and your words. I have been away from here for the longest time because I was doing so good after almost a full year of consistent purging. I hit a bad slump and am backsliding something fierce. Are you ok to share your story with me so I can see your whole picture? I feel like I have opened up a book in the middle and need to start at the beginning to understand. I really want to understand because your words are so on point to my feelings. If not here, I can be reached at darci798@live.com. Thanks!! Darci | |
| Tillie | Posted: 11 October 2013 - 05:24 PM |
😀 Wonderful that you are using the energy from the anger to make the changes to make your life better. (((HUGS))) | |
| Dianne | Posted: 11 October 2013 - 09:29 AM |
I've gone thru another round (which can take weeks or months) where I laze along, get some stuff done, hit a bump, try harder, pray, try even harder, get discouraged, get depressed, despair, get angry. The anger stage is a good one because it's got a lot of energy with it. Yesterday I had to rig up a system with extension cords because more outlets don't work. It's dark in here with constant rain and my face is close to the keyboard so I can see what I'm typing. No light is this room. I've been tripping over more stuff probably because in moving things around my brain hasn't adjusted to the new goat paths. And I'm thinking how stupid is that? Today I woke up early, pissed off. I wanted a real breakfast not a diet coke and cookies. Laura and I went out and treated ourselves to coffee from Starbucks and a take home meal of eggs, sausage, hash browns. We don't even drink coffee but it's cold, dark and rainy and I wanted to feel like a normal person and drink coffee in the morning. The girl recommended something mild and perfect. 🙂 Then I called an electrician and couldn't answer any of the questions the girl asked me. She was nice and laughed and said don't worry about it, we'll just have a guy come out and troubleshoot and give you an estimate. It's for next Thursday, day after the beds are delivered. So my anger is good. I am so fed up with living like this I just want things fixed and to get better. The anger gives me the strength to say fuck it, I'm trying hard, I can hold my head up when people come in here and say, yes I've had some major problems and I'm making the efforts to climb out of the hole. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 09 October 2013 - 02:06 PM |
You know it's bad when you can see how much you've gotten out but the room hardly looks touched. On my way to the dump. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 09 October 2013 - 01:28 PM |
Some hangers gone, some more preschool crafts and biggest of all, some stuffed animals. They were kind of flat. But that's huge for me because I know this isn't real but........ I kind of feel like they have feelings. I have to carry that trash out myself because Laura would freak. I feel a little hypocritical throwing stuff out without checking with her because that is what I fear helpers would do to me. But I'm doing it anyway. I just want shit out. So many clothes with tags! Crumpled but brand new. And so many cute shoes! I LOVE shoes though I always prefer barefoot or flip flops. The shoes were from when I went thru a period of several years working, losing weight and dressing nicely. For years now I haven't cared but I still want those shoes in my closet. When I'm not pressed for time I'll take the good stuff to a women's shelter where they help abused women back on their feet. I've postponed the beds' delivery twice. It's now set for a week from today and that's firm. So only time to clear not too many hard decisions to get rid of. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 09 October 2013 - 12:40 PM |
This might be one of those days when I am on here frequently for a sanity break.... I'm cleaning in my room and I have 3 *bags*. One for trash, one for clothes and one for extra bags I want to keep. So far there are multiple bags in all categories. These are the white kitchen trash bags size. The clothes are just going to the basement for now. Same with the extra bags. I did throw away some paper shopping bags but I had to sit there and look them over. I'm finding a lot of clothes, shoes in boxes and Vera Bradley purses that are brand new. I am VERY thankful that there was not more damage going on under the piles. I found glass perfume bottles that were still intact. They belong to my daughter from 10 years ago, not sure why they are in my mess. For the first time I threw away papers without looking at each one, old mail that may have had some importance and even some little crafts from when the kids were in preschool. Like a little caterpillar made from an egg carton. I used to keep precious things in a big cedar chest in the bedroom but my ex took that in the divorce. Then they were moved to containers which eventually got piled over. I don't think I ever threw out something like that. It was still in good shape. Surprisingly it wasn't too hard to do. There are bags of hangers from all the clothes I bought and planned to keep for a yard sale one day. I think I can let a lot of those go. But stuff I can't quite decide on yet is getting tossed further back in the room. As I work my way across I'll have to make decisions then but it will be less daunting with less things. I get much too overwhelmed with the *handle it once rule*. One of my goals besides dejunking is to keep my stress levels manageable. I'm ok with some shuffling as long as there is some good progress too. I had taped a couple toes together from my rage episode last Friday. The bruising is subsiding and it was a good reminder not to push my stress to the breaking point. Literally. So far I am very pleased to find no cat pee or poop. There's always cat litter pieces all over the house but at least the multiple daily scooping and weekly scrubbing of their boxes seems to be keeping them happy. And right now none of the dogs are old enough to be needing diapers 24/7 so they've been good babies about going outside. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 29 September 2013 - 10:52 PM |
Dianne and Diane, I don't know, but maybe the important thing is that you've felt the discomfort and managed to live through it? If your life feels empty without clutter, maybe find more ways to fill it that both feel good and are good for you? Diane, that seems to me to be the work you've recently been doing. Dianne, it seems like that time with O was one way? Anything that lights a fire under us can't be all bad, can it? LOL | |
| diane | Posted: 29 September 2013 - 05:49 PM |
Dianne I can relate to your reaction to empty spaces. I look around and see things laying where they should not be, and it is comfortable because I am familiar with a messy place. Guess I will take the clothes off the back of the chair and see if I can feel comfortable with a clean chair. same with dishes, I clean counters, then leave water bottles etc on them, just enough to make me criticize myself, ugh. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 29 September 2013 - 12:19 PM |
Friday I was feeling very stressed about the stuff I had put in storage. Rationally of course it made no sense. There is absolutely nothing in there that I need. A lot I don't even know exactly what it is since it was trash bags of dirty laundry. I looked at every single book. Yeah I wanted to keep some out but I knew I wouldn't be rereading anytime soon. If I thought I might even possibly want something I put it towards the front. So I can get things at any time. So why the stress? Maybe because the day before my brother had helped and I didn't feel totally in control. Definitely seeing large empty spaces in the house bothered me. I felt like I needed to fill it up. That's not a good sign for sure. I found my book Stuff under more books in my bed. Buried in Treasures is in my room somewhere but I don't feel like digging. Sometimes I read that stuff and my mind must gloss over it. Like, oh yeah, that's me but it doesn't resonate deeply enough, that's ME. I was washing clothes at Buffy's house and she talked me thru some of the feelings. She's studying to be a psychologist so it's good practice for her as well as just being a good daughter. 🙂 I ate my feelings that night with mac and cheese. Yesterday I was very stressed about Karl. Having just gone thru a similar situation with the insurance company coming in I felt sick for him thinking it may go to the next level and lose his home. I haven't heard anything else from the insurance company coming btw but it sure as hell lit a fire under my butt after I got past the initial gut wrenching sickness!! Last night Laura and I went to my last O's game. We had a really fun time with Boston fans in front of us (usually Sox fans are major a-holes) and we pulled ahead by 1 run in the bottom of the 8th and kept the lead. With good sportsmanship high 5's all around we all agreed with Boston going to the playoffs we all support the AL East bottom line. Great Camden Yards food, Natty Boh beer (Baltimore beer), and lots of excitement that with that win (although we are out of the playoffs) we clinched a second consecutive season series against Boston. That's a first in over 20 years. And the O's were the only divisional team with a winning record against the Sox this year. That kind of excitement made me totally forget about hoarding fears. 🙂 Laura is at the last game of the season this afternoon and I'm feeling better about riding thru the stress and knowing that it does pass and now I can get back to cleaning. A bright, sunny day helps too. 🙂 | |
| Roxie | Posted: 02 September 2013 - 12:44 PM |
Thank you. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 02 September 2013 - 11:08 AM |
{{{Roxie}}} I am so very sorry to hear about your precious Boots. Even with illness, death is never easy to deal with. {{{more hugs}}} | |
| Roxie | Posted: 01 September 2013 - 02:15 PM |
I'm sick to my stomach. I awoke to find my cat Boots dead on the kitchen floor. I haven't had the heart to look at him further, but I need to deal with his body. He was sick a long time, but still I didn't expect this. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 30 August 2013 - 09:40 AM |
Thank you Roxie, for the pat on the back and turning my focus to the positive things. I needed that! {{{HUGS}}} I live in an expensive county outside Washington, D.C. The house is paid for but taxes and maintenance on the house and property are killer. I should have moved long ago but I was angry to think I would have to give up the place where I raised my family and had planned to live the rest of my life. Also I had lost so much already and I thought the pain of losing even more would completely break me. It was an ok decision. I'm able to really consider the option of moving now. Getting older has made this place harder to deal with physically. And mentally and emotionally I'm settled enough to let more go. Each year is a little tougher to keep going financially so prepping for the big move in every way is an ongoing project. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 29 August 2013 - 09:07 AM |
My sister Dianne, I can really relate. Okay being pissy for awhile. But in your post there were some very positive things, too. For instance, renewing the termite maintenance. That is HUGE since termite damage can be so extensive and so devastatingly expensive to repair afterwards. Also, you are dealing with the mundane like car registrations which can make anyone pissy, but you ARE dealing with them. So pat yourself on the back or, here, let me do it for you! hehe Your property taxes are $16,000 a year? OMG do you live in Hollywood Hills? When I left Illinois in 2000 my property taxes were breaking me at $4000 a year. Here, they are about 1/10th of that. For me, I included property tax in my mortgage payments so some is taken out of my monthly payments each month. When I bought several adjoining lots, I have had to pay those myself. I've now set them up on automatic monthly payments so I don't have any big hits (well, big for me, not for you) come tax time. Sorry about the disappointing Red Lobster. I'm actually surprised because I think of that chain as fairly reliable. (((Dianne))) | |
| Dianne | Posted: 28 August 2013 - 01:22 PM |
I'm just generally pissy. You know how you get something done and see how much more there is to do? I'm stressed and trying to budget carefully for big things coming up. Like next month is property taxes and again in December. For me that's almost $8,000.00 each time. My next door neighbors have been doing repairs for two weeks due to termite damage. So I started up again with the pest control I had let go for years. Vehicles were due for registration and repairs which were more expensive than planned. The water treatment system was my big yearly improvement but now I need two extra pieces for well pump pressure. My nephrologist (also an internist) who I was settling in with as a primary doctor for high blood pressure and diabetes doesn't take my state health insurance anymore. My shrink, who I see every 2 months wants blood work. I don't want to pay for it (I pay her out of pocket) so today I went thru the huge paper piles on my desk to find lab results from the spring. I had a gift card from last Christmas for Red Lobster and went out last night with my daughter for the all you can eat shrimp. It was crap. What a disappointment. 🙁 Those are my complaints. On the bright side it was really nice to see 4 of my older cats laying together on the sofa this morning. I thought what a pleasure after years of adjustments to have everybody settled in with no scrapping. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 28 August 2013 - 11:30 AM |
Thanks, Diane. I don't know that I had a choice, really, to do the roof. I at least had the money available even if it was earmarked for other use. But I do know that water damage is the worst thing for a home, so it had to be a priority. Do you have any ideas with regard to your garage roof? Kara, you clearly needed to cry, so I'm glad you allowed yourself to do so. Feeling the feelings and going on is exactly the right thing to do, at least in my opinion. And your skin must feel the relief! How are things otherwise going for you? Dianne, yes, it is a relief to have the roof done. I put off facing it for several months, collecting rainwater in empty coffee cans strategically placed around the house for leaks, meanwhile. And now I am sure there were leaks I could not see. Yikes. So I am proud of just DOING it and not further putting it off. Repairing/replacing my AC this year is out due to the costs, but it has been reasonable summer weather for me and I'm managing with a couple fans. I think sleeping in the living room is cooler, also. I'm discouraged but hoping for a deeper rally. I need to be doing more work than I am managing to do at this point, beyond just bare maintenance. | |
| diane | Posted: 27 August 2013 - 11:29 PM |
I am so impressed that you have a new roof!!!! My garage roof looks like an old horse with a 600 pound cowboy, as his owner, sway back. You made a great decision to take care of the roof. | |
| Kara | Posted: 27 August 2013 - 08:08 PM |
It all came to a head on Monday Morning. I cried for a whole hour. Not totally sure why. Maybe about loss or being alone. Not sure. The best thing is that if I were in public I wouldn't of cared. I just needed to cry. I understand that my body needed to release. And guess what >>>> my skin cleared up soon after. Hormones? biological? Who knows. Take care all. | |
| Roxie | Posted: 25 August 2013 - 05:28 PM |
Thanks for asking, Dianne. I had previously done research on angie's list for roofers, so I had an idea of who I wanted to call. Then when he showed up I realized I felt okay with him and did not have the energy or inclination to have others come make estimates. His price was within reason ($6000 for 1700 sq. foot house), especially for a teardown, so... even though it was expensive for me, it was at my "max" I'd set for myself and for which I actually had the savings available. I did not second guess anything. Partly because it all went so fast and partly because I knew it had to be done. Not only was the roof very old, but it was clearly badly damaged by raccoons, plus I had multiple leaks. Water damage is the worst thing for houses. One day I was authorizing the work and the next day at 7:00 a.m. the workers were here. I did pop out now and then to observe. And the owner came by several times to discuss things, which reassured me. He had me decide on color of the shingles, but he had a suggestion and I okayed it. I was not up for looking at several samples and just don't care that much. On the day of the work, he brought up the idea of installing a ridge vent, which we had not discussed and which he said he ought to have discussed with me. After discussion, I agree to pay an additional $300 for materials to have it installed with no extra charge for labor. I know that a ridge vent is a good thing to have and would help with utility bills and eliminating odor from the attic from the pests. Waiting until another time would have been more difficult and costly since new shingles would have had to be pulled up, etc. What is important to me is to have a water-tight and well done roof. It seems I have that now. I don't know of any way short of going up on the roof to double-check anything, and I am definitely not up for that. I feel confident that should any leaks or problems develop, he will follow up. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 24 August 2013 - 12:51 PM |
Oh Roxie, it absolutely matters if you post your stuff! What's good about this group is that in addition to focusing on our hoards and progress (or not) of clearing we talk about our lives and feelings too. That helps us get to the heart of why we have gotten here, how to get better and how to help others along the way. So glad you have a new computer and a new ROOF!!! That is epic! To me a new roof is like having a new house. Now everything will be protected while you take care of chores. How did that go? How did you pick out the right company, the right materials? Was it scary to make such a huge investment on your own? How did you deal with those feelings? Were you constantly second guessing your choices? | |
| Roxie | Posted: 24 August 2013 - 05:25 AM |
I am unsure where to even post all that has gone on this past week that I've been offline due to big computer problems. Or whether it even matters if I post my stuff. Geez, that sounds depressed. Maybe it is. Being unable to get online since the 17th, I have been wigging out. But I've also accomplished some things I might not have otherwise, simply because I needed to fill my time. Strange. Anyway, I now have a NEW computer that actually works. I also have a new ROOF! What a week. | |
| Mare | Posted: 20 August 2013 - 06:47 PM |
Kara said... I am working through some had stuff. Questions that will never get answered, the What ifs, and thinking about peoples behaviours and personalities. I opened a boxfile last night of letters. I needed to find out if I still felt angry when reading the letters. I did and I cried. Gosh Kara I hate to see you so upset... something from the past? You sound like you have been to other support groups and know a lot about therapy and change. I hope you get past this, and I know how hard it is. Look for me in chat and we can talk. I am sure you know that dwelling on people, personalities and behaviours is not something you can control, you can only control you. Hard I know but there it is... diane said... Mare that is a big deal for you to be alone for the first time in many years. When I was married, I lost my identity and thought I would die without him. Years later I delight in living alone, still trying to figure out who I am without a man, since I continually had one, or several men, in my life for years, never considered what it would be like when I aged out of dating. I could spend lots of time wondering what ifs, but stop myself and realize today life is good, and I am now ready to get rid of the hoard that has buried me from me. If you can just do a little every day to make your life better, one day, it will be comfortable. You are in a difficult part of your life for sure, and if you hang in here with us, it will get better. 4 months ago when I started this, I was really miserable, and in just 4 months, I feel joy and hope. Granted, I am spending many hours daily on the hoard, and I created this mess in 20-30 years, so is really bad, and never thought I could change, and for the first time in many years I am starting to feel comfortable at home. Please don't give up. Yes it really is a big deal and I am getting more used to it, but have the same problem of not wanting to leave. I am working on that, weent to the doctor myself that time... a friend did have to come and take me to the grocery store, baby steps haha. I am doing a little each day here - boxes, bags - its something and helps to keep me focused I am excited about getting it done and having so much less stuffstuffstuff! I struggle with the depression and find it hard to be hopeful and positive a lot of the time... and being separated from my lover is so hard (he is in Canada) so its always one day at a time. I have moments of happiness and contentment so that is a step forward... we are able to talk every day online and that helps me a great deal. Thank you so much for understanding and for your support, it is priceless to me. | |
| Kara | Posted: 19 August 2013 - 11:14 AM |
I opened a boxfile last night of letters. I needed to find out if I still felt angry when reading the letters. I did and I cried. | |
| diane | Posted: 18 August 2013 - 05:06 PM |
Mare that is a big deal for you to be alone for the first time in many years. When I was married, I lost my identity and thought I would die without him. Years later I delight in living alone, still trying to figure out who I am without a man, since I continually had one, or several men, in my life for years, never considered what it would be like when I aged out of dating. I could spend lots of time wondering what ifs, but stop myself and realize today life is good, and I am now ready to get rid of the hoard that has buried me from me. If you can just do a little every day to make your life better, one day, it will be comfortable. You are in a difficult part of your life for sure, and if you hang in here with us, it will get better. 4 months ago when I started this, I was really miserable, and in just 4 months, I feel joy and hope. Granted, I am spending many hours daily on the hoard, and I created this mess in 20-30 years, so is really bad, and never thought I could change, and for the first time in many years I am starting to feel comfortable at home. Please don't give up. | |
| Kara | Posted: 18 August 2013 - 03:39 PM |
I am working through some had stuff. Questions that will never get answered, the What ifs, and thinking about peoples behaviours and personalities. I'll talk to my counsellor about it. | |
| Mare | Posted: 17 August 2013 - 12:52 PM |
Roxie thank you and I am happy with the progress here, yes, and so amazed at how much it helps. Still struggling with getting out but not beating myself up for it either haha. I think one reason things are difficult is because everything I do, every box I unpack underscores the uncomfortable reality that I am alone. This is a first for me... married at 16, 5 kids by the time I was 22, 9 grandchildren by the time I was 55... never alone until a few months ago. Its... I need to look at it as a new beginning, a new chapter. | |
| Tillie | Posted: 16 August 2013 - 04:21 PM |
Group (((hugs))) 🙂 | |
| diane | Posted: 16 August 2013 - 03:59 PM |
thanks Roxie and Mare, feels so good to hear from you. Tillie your poem made my eyes water. You certainly live by those words, and have helped all of us so much, thank you, and thanks for all wisdom you share. | |