I grew up in a multi-generational family. We had absolutely no extra space for storage. Everything was basic ~ 1 pair of brown shoes, 1 coat, 1 bathing suit, etc. There never seemed to be enough food. The kids had to fill up on bread. And we weren't poor. All the houses had 1 tiny bathroom, shared bedrooms, 1 car, no garages. Clothes were mended and passed to the next child. Same with toys. That was just the way life was back then.

I was always afraid that my favorite things would disappear. When I began earning a little money I would buy cheese and try to hide it. Somebody would find it and eat it.

Life got crazier and the alcoholism in the adults got worse. The kids got into rebellious 60's mode and the house got crappy. Everyone checked out, gave up. My Dad, a Marine, tried to make us eat k-rations in puke green tins that was years old to save money. I've blocked out whole chunks of my life.

In my need to get out I eventually married a guy and we lived with very little except my ever present animals. We rented a tiny farmhouse for $25 a month. With hard work we got wealthy. Enough that I was able to buy and keep what I wanted. My dream as a kid was to have red shoes that were good for nothing except that I wanted them and to always have real Coke (the drink) in the house.

We provided extremely well for our children and I had enough space to save everything. I adored being a mom and kept every little thing that reminded me of those wonderful times. I still have their umbilical cord stumps. It wasn't all good of course but mostly life was abundant.

I never wanted as much in life as my husband did. He wanted to keep moving up and I was very content to keep our little estate the way it was. You can only use so much. And we had a ton. Well more like tons plural.

Eventually came the most devastating divorce ~ one family wasn't enough, he was supporting two. To survive those horrible years getting untangled I started *jumbling*. A mental trick I use to forget details. I was suicidal, my younger daughter was suicidal, my disabled daughter regressed into an even further child-like state.

Life continued downhill ~ financials problems, physical problems with no hospitalization to help, rape, terrible betrayals, loss of friends, isolation from family.

My superb organization crashed and grew into a huge hoard. It doesn't look so terrible (well it probably does but not to me of course) because I still have the space to hold it. And still have space to function with my disabled daughter and 16 animals.

So why do I hoard? My life story isn't near as hard as others but it was hard enough for me. I fear loss to the point of physical sickness. I have always needed security and desperately grasp at whatever I think will keep me safe. I miss what I used to have ~ looking at the precious outfits my kids wore puts a smile on my face. People are not to be trusted completely ~ ever ~ sadly not even me to myself.

Writing this sucks. I have been trying to keep my focus on the present ~ what I have to be grateful for, which is a huge amount. Trying to get the beauty back in my life. Trying to become someone who my kids and grandkids will be proud of.

I have to say I hold no grudges (the majority of days now) toward anyone in my life. My family was dysfunctional but they did the best they could in the circumstances. It has helped to get older and understand things from a different perspective. Although I miss my intact family terribly I am accepting my faults in the destruction of my marriage. And I am much kinder to myself in understanding my hoarding issues.

So that's some of it for me. Although there is the weird mental thing I have about everything having some kind of life and my need to protect and care for it.

I was talking to an older woman last week who survived unspeakable horrors during WWII. What a truly lovely, strong woman she is. With her soft hair pinned up, her brightly colored nails, her little companion dog and a little shrug of her thin shoulders and a pretty smile she said, "Oh well, Dianne, that's the way life is. Have you ever seen the full moon rise over the ocean in October? It is so beautiful!"