It is easy when you start with the dishwasher and count every fork.

But

I did more than 100. Mostly little things that don't seem like a big deal but then accumulate into drifts that are overwhelming because they involve so many trips - hair ties, bottle caps, single earrings, plastic bags, pens.....

And, as I was working I cleared off almost 1/4 of the moop counter (I'm going to be brave and register for the online class day to motivate me to finish!)

I also reloaded and started the dishwasher after dinner and started a load of laundry. And - the changing table for Bean that is in the basement has three levels - the top for changing and two shelves for supplies and clothes. I cleared off one shelf.

Maybe next weekend I will finish making space to move the doll cabinet.

Motivation - usually I am motivated by time pressure on something I want. Also by external rewards or censure. But when I am just trying to find the energy to do something, it is hard. Some days I just can't.

I try little tricks like the 100 item challenge, or I bribe myself with sugar or caffeine. I call my mom. I tell someone else (like you guys) that I am going to do something. I walk outside. I put on music - really loud. I turn on every light in the house.

Sometimes I break a job down into teeny tiny bits - I will go into the laundry room. I will open the dryer. I will pull the stuff out of the dryer into the basket. I will carry the basket upstairs. I will put away one shirt.....

Today with the laundry, Dh knows I am struggling right now. He asked "can you get me one pair of clean underwear for tomorrow?" That is why the laundry is going. And why I will remember to put it in the dryer. But probably, tomorrow, he will have to ask for the underwear again and it will come straight from the dryer.

Sometimes when I am having a very very bad day, he takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs and says "take a shower." He has been known to turn the water on and stand there until I strip and get in. I wouldn't make it without him.

One of my biggest fears is that one day he will realize how much easier his life would be without me. Seriously, he is good looking, he makes a good living, he is kind and handy and smart and he cooks. He could easily replace me with someone 15 years younger who has a well paid career, a better figure, and no mental health issues. Don't tell him!

100 things, wow! That's a great idea and sounds motivating. Way to go getting to 56 already!

As for someone helping me clean, I wish. I had two close friends move out of state this year and another friend pass away. Then there is that "friend" who is being a jerk to me at the moment. Anyone else is afraid of covid and wouldn't come over. There was one friend who actually did come over to help me clean 2 months ago and it was such a big help, but her commentary on my stuff/junk and disorder still bothers me. I couldn't bear to invite her back over to help (she has offered) because her face when she sees the condition is back to the way it was before she helped me before, would just be too much for me. I have one super-whiner teen who would create drama that I can't deal with if I asked for help. One son who does help me, mainly yard work, taking out the trash and carrying things up and down stairs for me. I will ask him to watch the puppy while I do some cleaning. Aside from that I am on my own. Hoarder husband would just take anything I want donating or throwing away and put it in his den to keep, which is so frustrating, so I clean and sort without him.

I feel a little better today. Question: is there something you do to get motivated and energized? Did I ask this before?? My brain is foggy. I had an energy drink this morning to try and get myself moving but it didn't help.

Ok, I brushed my hair, and I have challenged myself to find 100 objects in my house that I can put where they belong OR get rid of. I cheated by jump starting the count with the dishes in the dishwasher. I am also counting each individual hair tie that I find lying around and put back in the drawer. I am still only up to 56, but, I found three pairs of back up glasses and stuck two in "donate" and I found six books I can part with. I also fixed the knob on my lamp (since the knob has been lying on my dresser, that's one thing.)

Unfortunately, the place I drop old glasses is closed indefinitely, and the place I take books is currently on my "avoid" list. So those things are in the "departures lounge" in the corner of my basement waiting for conditions to improve.

Good afternoon everyone! I slept til about 20 minutes ago. I'm a bit upside down.

Lila and SubC. I am so sorry about the creeping depression, exhaustion and frustration. I know those feelings.

Lila how sad about the dog. I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is so tough. We said goodbye to our 22 year old cat in November and it was very painful. My sweetheart misses him every day, as the cat lived in his office and was loved by all. It's painful. Your situation is steeped in anxiety since the last time was done poorly. I am so sorry.

I know the feeling of waiting and getting aggravated. You are a good friend. Is there any way you'd be comfortable with enlisting your friend or your children to help you get the house ready for the vet? Just so you know, every one of us here will understand if the answer is NO. No judgment in the question and no need to explain a no answer!

SubC just do what you have to do. I said I'd shower last night and even though it was late, I did it. And I'm happier this AM because of it.

Ok the cat is throwing up her breakfast. I'll be back in a bit.

Hi Lila,

I'm sorry yesterday was so hard.

Things like your dog situation make everything boil down to the basics and it sounds like you had too many demands on your energy.

Good for you for getting rid of the unwanted fitness things. If you can channel this negative energy into progress - that would be fantastic!

I'm having another day where I don't even feel like brushing my hair. Meanwhile Dh is getting a lot done.

My kids took a lot out of me this week. I need to figure out how to recharge.

Dh made me a lovely dinner last night, and we had a streaming concert with cookies and port and we got to bed early. You would think all of that would help, but I just feel drained out.

Good evening. Today I am feeling very down. Last night I was up into the wee hours crying and worrying about my beloved dog who is in pain and will need to be put down in the next weeks/months. I don't know how I can possibly do that. I am terrified. My last dog was 15 and had a botched euthanasia. I have a different vet now but am still traumatized. Then I spent the day feel guilty that I was not able to spend much time with this dog today. Our time is very limited but other things keep getting in the way. So I feel like everything is out of my control.

Instead of taking the day to do what I really needed to do - laundry, cleaning, pet care, self care, sorting and decluttering - I went to help a friend move. She asked me to please help her move out of an abusive relationship so of course I agreed. I showed up at the time she gave me, and she was not there. So I texted her. She was off running errands and running late, so I literally sat in her driveway for 25 minutes. As the time ticked by I got madder and more frustrated because I could have used that time to do my own things. I don't mind helping people but I feel like they did not respect my time. Then I worked for an hour and a half moving her boxes and furniture down a full flight of stairs until I could barely walk. Came home exhausted but my daughter wanted to go shopping and she rarely wants to go out, so I went. Then home, dinner, had my other kids over and visited but really I felt so distracted the whole time.

Anyway, I didn't buy anything, but the newer Fitbit is a dud so now I am bagging that up to give away the accessories. One more thing leaving the house.

I might be getting depressed. So I did a self care thing and asked my counselor to fit me in next week. I have not gone in about 6 weeks. I feel so slow, sluggish and sad. I don't know how to pull out of this funk. But I have the vet coming to my house in a week to do a check on my dog because I can't get the dog to the vet (dog is in too much pain) so I have to clean up enough that it doesn't looked hoarded and gross when the vet shows up. I have to focus on the living room, dining room, entry, and kitchen plus the main bathroom in case they ask to use it. I am down enough that I am starting to not care bout anything which might be a great time to purge stuff.

Okay I only need one document to finish my taxes. Will hopefully be in the mail next week.

All l sundry folded and out away. Have one more load to get out of the dryer. Then I'll shower and go to bed.

My little cat is asleep next to me. It's very cold out tonight and getting colder. Fireplace is providing good warmth and she is sound asleep on a throw in my couch.

I'll go put the dishes in the dishwasher and pick up final load of laundry.

Hello hello

WTG Cm for going to the storage unit! I'm so grateful it was looking better than your memory and fears! Tea bread sounds nice, SubC!

I'm about to make my dinner and and Tim going to shock my system by doing my taxes. I did them fairly early last year, too. I got my tax documents today so I might as well do them now. I don't itemize now that I don't have a mortgage and interest deduction.

So I'll report back later. Also, I'm doing some laundry right now. Oh and I went to the post office and mailed off my packages. And then ran errands with BF.

let's talk later!

CM, I'm glad you feel hopeful about your storage unit.

I taught.
I made tea bread.
I slept twelve hours.

I'll sure continue to pray for Tillie.

I went to my storage unit earlier in the week. It's still a mess but I didn't feel horrible looking at it as I'd feared. Actually felt a bit of hope that in the spring I'll be able to figure out where I left off in the fall, and pick back up.

Lila, I think that was genius re the gift cards in the first place. You'll get them figured out now, I'm sure. With the same sort of ingenuity. We are survivors.

Tatoulia, glad your mom is not having symptoms.

SubC, sorry school is just a lot of uncertainty right now still, but glad for the times you got to see and hold Bean.

Good morning!

Tatoulia,

I hope you got to sleep at a reasonable hour.
Nice job on the leaving the internet and getting something done!

The pottery studio where I take classes is having a full day of free streamed classes on February 20. I asked Dh how he would feel about me signing up and being online doing pottery in the house all day (the studio doesn't have internet). He pointed to the big counter in the scullery, which is still buried under a drift of moop (burning man acronym for "material out of place") and said "I think that would be great, as long as you do it here." I haven't gotten brave enough to sign up yet.

I had one teenager come in for one class yesterday (complicated story) and afterwards I begged the administration for the rest of the class. I had a logistic plan worked out. They said yes! So I get that class back next week - a week early - and for sure. Nothing after next week is for sure.

Today I teach from home all day.

I also talked to the administrator who is doing the schedule for next year and it currently looks like I will not be full time - all day w/f (which adds two class periods) and only 2:15-4:30 tu/th, which takes two away. So, the same as this year if everything fills, but more compact. We are being conservative about enrollment expectations.

I think today I will also bake.
And maybe attack that moop?

Okay I wrapped up my packages! And I wrote two overdue Christmas thank you cards. And I wrote out a few postcards. So there you have it!

Of course now I'm fully awake so I'll have to pull it together to go to bed. It's nearly midnight here.

Hello everyone! Lila you are doing a great job of finding a way to cope with the gift cards. Plow through the pile! WTG for finding the Fitbit charger and the other Fitbit! I do have a tracker. I like it. I just don't leave my house anymore. Not the way I used to.

SubC I bet that was cute to see the baby! And he snuggled!

Mom is doing great. Someone else who was diagnosed on the same day as mom died today. Mom still no symptoms. Praying for everyone. Such a long and terrible time.

I'm running my dishwasher and I have clean sheets in my bed. Trash is out and I've cleaned the litter box. As I went to take my garbage out my neighbor said mill take it. He's a gentleman. Young, married. They are a beautiful couple and he's a first class gentleman.

I am working a lot these days and that is preventing me from doing anything else. I mean, it's not but it's my excuse. I did run to the post office today to get some supplies.

Hey why don't I put my music on and work on my packages right now.

Cory,

Thank you so much for trying to find out for us.

I am really grateful for this place and the people here.

Tatoulia, I am so relieved to hear about your mom! Thank you!

Lila, I strongly approve of focusing on grandchildren. Especially when they are so little. The whole world stops for Bean.

I'm glad you found your fitness tracker. I hope it helps you. I have a three part "fitness tracker" - my knees - which hurt when I am too heavy, my non- stretch jeans - which may or may not button, and the very long flight of stairs up to my classroom - which gets me short of breath and makes my legs sore if I am out of shape. Currently my "fitness tracker" is in the red.

Today the Christmas card my mom mailed dec14 finally arrived. Also one from an old friend mailed dec 10.

Also, I picked up my share of the bulk food order from sil and got to hold Bean while he loaded it in my car. I told Bean, "say bye bye Daddy." And he giggled! He was very close to nap time and snuggled his head into my shoulder. It was hard to hand him back.

Tomorrow - more online school.

I have lost momentum on all the things I started at the beginning of January. But it is ok. I will take a short break and regroup.

Thank you both for the kind words and insurance analogy. I can reframe it that way and try to let it go. What I need to do is pull out ALL the gift cards (which are mostly consolidated, but not all) and check balances and write them in sharpie on each good card and toss the bad ones. Then just use them up as needed. Honestly, back when I was hoarding the gift cards I was in an agnostic state... had some bad run ins with religion. The last few years my faith is restored and I am leaning on God and trusting Him to provide for me even if my husband does some crazy thing. I'm not afraid anymore.

Today I have my granddaughter here for the day and that is fun. She is playing with my son right now so I am taking a break. She is 2. What a joy. It has been rainy all day and I ate and was lazy, but I have one GOOD bit of news for today: I found my Fitbit Charger!! I cannot believe it. I thought I had looked everywhere, but you know how some bins, boxes and baskets become "invisible" when they've been shoved in a corner or in a room for so long? It was in a laundry basket full of random junk that's been sitting by the dining room table for like 4 months! In there, I also found one of my kids' old Fitbit and its charger too. That one is newer. So I have both of them charging now. I am going to probably wear them both tomorrow so I can decide which on I like better and want to keep using. Mine is a Fitbit One, which you can clip on your bra or pocket, and the other is, I think, a Fitbit Alta which you wear on your wrist. The last thing I want is attention from people about my Fitbit, so I like the clip better, but if the wrist one has more functions and better tracking, I know I can get an ankle band for it and wear it on my ankle so no one can see it. Do either of you have a fitness tracker?

I have so much going on, I have that "paralysis" thing where you have so much to do that you can't do anything. I am just focusing on the grandchild, my puppy, my dogs right now. Tomorrow I will start the Fitbit and watching my activity and intake. I need to clean.

That friend who was unkind to me is not answering my calls or texts and is very cordial in emails (for volunteering work). It bothers me because I have so few friends and she seemed like she had potential. But I am not going to chase her down... and even if she decides to be friends again, how can I really trust her anymore?

So write back to me if you have time. I like coming and hearing about what you guys are doing.

Cory thank you for the update and outreach. We are so grateful for our friendships here. Thank you for creating this safe space.

SubC thank you for your very thought-provoking post! I will keep your family in my prayers! My mother is absolutely fine. It's been three weeks!

Okay back to work!

Good Morning All,
Unfortunately, I have not received any response from Tillie. Lets just all keep her in our prayers and hope all is ok and she's just taking a break.

Cory Chalmers

Good morning all!

Hi Lila, I just want to hug you! I read your post and my brain was putting together an analogy about insurance or a fire extinguisher (did you know fire extinguishers expire?) but Tatoulia said it better than I.

When I started clearing out, I found so many things I bought and saved for things I wanted to do with my kids, and then never did because I lost them, or there was no space, or I was too busy managing STUFF. I cried a lot. And then I accepted that that time was gone and I didn't want to waste the time I still had regretting it and beating myself up.

I'm trying to do better with my grandson and focus on the NOW. but I have to confess that I just bought two adorable pairs of Christmas pajamas that are much too big for him because they were super on sale and I want to give him pajamas and a book as an early Christmas present when we go to get the tree every year. (So many unhatched chickens in that plan!) - two steps forward, one step back.

I also bought a book this week. And Dh ordered new Christmas tree lights for next year, but I'm not ready to completely get rid of the old Christmas tree lights.

Just now as I was taking the compost out, I thought about a couple of students who are worrying me because they are making bad choices about how to cope with things that they are struggling with, or can't seem to find the motivation and effort to make good ones.

And I realized I am also doing that - in some cases ironically in reaction to worrying about them. So I am trying to remind myself to get my own house (literally and figuratively) in order first so that I can be a help and a good example.

My cousin (to be more accurate that should say "sister and closest lifelong friend" - but by family structure she is my cousin) and her son have covid. I think they will be ok, but I am very concerned because her Dh - who is fine so far - has a compromised immune system.

Tatoulia, I am worried about your mom too, but afraid to ask.

Wear your mask. Wash your hands. Stay home as much as you can, and get your shot when it's offered!

Lila, first, I am so glad you posted!

I felt your pain as I read your post. I felt the nausea and anger and self-loathing. You did something because of your desperate situation. You did this to keep your family safe. And it's been at least five years and you haven't had to use them! Much like an auto insurance policy that you pay for and then you aren't in any accidents. That's all. Try to reframe it in your mind. You did it for insurance and some made sense and some ended up being just that-insurance you didn't need because thankfully no catastrophe occurred.

Another perspective is this: all the stuff I used to walk around and fill my closets and shelves and sit around in piles: that too was money once. The stuff that I would buy, in multiples, just to have that I ended up getting rid of used to be money. I was wasteful to the point where my house was embarrassing and awful and dirty. I didn't vacuum because piles of stuff on the floor. And those piles were once money.

Lastly, please throw away the defunct cards. They will be a sore reminder. Keep and use the good ones. Get rid of the defunct ones. Chalk it up to insurance.

Standing by your side and shoring you up. Your feelings are valid and very familiar.

Sending you love and peace.

hello again. I have had a hard couple of days but today I took the day and just stayed home and took care of things online like bills, insurance, appointments, emails.

I want to share something that is bothering me a great deal. It's something I am really feeling shame about. It is what I call "gift card hoarding." When my husband was being weird about 10 years ago, he would sometimes threaten divorce. He was the main income in the family and I felt terrified he would leave and I would have nothing. Every once in awhile he would get mad at me and "punish" me by taking away my credit cards or taking my name off of them as a user, so I had no money to buy anything. I got in this habit - every time I had a little extra cash, I would hide it. And every time he let me use the credit cards, I would hurry and buy a gift card whenever I went to a store. For example, when I bought groceries, I'd also buy a $20 grocery gift card. Or when I bought clothes, I'd buy a $50 or $25 gift card to that store. He ever looked at receipts so didn't know I was doing it. I would stash these gift cards all over in little hiding places. It made me feel like I had insurance, in a way. If he left and I had no money, I knew those cards were there so I could buy food, clothes, basics.

So I did that on and off for a few years. As I was cleaning last month and trying to declutter, I kept coming across gift cards all over the place. I decided to go ahead and use most of them now, since we are kind of broke. I found an American Girl gift card and that made me SO sad. My teen is too old for AG anymore. She would have loved to pick some things out with that when she was younger. But I went ahead and used it to get some things for my granddaughter. Then I found a Girl Scouts gift card and since she is not in gc anymore I was going to give it to someone else, but then found it expired a couple years ago. Then I found a Pet store gift card, called for the balance, and was told it expired due to 5 years of inactivity. And I found about $200 in ShopKo gift cards... and they went out of business. I called to see if there is anything I can do and found out I could have gotten reimbursed but missed the deadline. On and on. Yes there are gift cards that are still good and I am using them, but it is SO upsetting that I wanted to save money and instead just threw away hundreds of dollars.

Aside from that, for a whole week I have been trying to find 2 checks that I don't think I cashed, totalling over $450. I need the money!! And I can't find them anywhere. The other thing I am looking for is my FitBit charger. It is just nowhere. I have searched and searched. I wanted to use it to help me get fit. I am so frustrated.

Sorry to be a downer, but this just feels so awful. I will keep looking for the charger and checks. But will have to call and have the checks cancelled and reissued if I can't find them tomorrow.

Time for bed. Nearly 11:30 here. After work I walked down to Copley Square to hear Old South Church ring it's bell for lives lost due to COVID-19. BF joined me. The air was nice.

I'm showered and ready for bed. Big day in front of me.

Ps Cory is going to search for Tillie's contact information.

In the meantime Tillie we love you! Praying you are resting up and maybe even with Nate and Mrs Nate at this point.

Also sending much love to Joan, Diane, Dianne, Anony, LR, Betsy and Roxie. You all made a big difference in my life. I'm back to living due to every single person here.

Sending you strength and peace, SubC. I'm so sorry about the anxiety. Sending the same to CM. That is a pity about the washer. And the memories that are being triggered. I hope just a part!

I am just working today. Nothing more. All garbage was taken out last night.

I still haven't taped and addressed the packages. But I'm keeping up with everything else.

Okay enough of a break for me, back to work!

Today I decide to do one more cobbled together overflow laundry load. Machine fills, doesn't advance to agitate. Had to bail it out.

Last time I bailed a washing machine was on a Saturday in 2003 at my parents'. Dad went out Monday and ordered a new one, to be delivered on Thursday. He died in the night between Tuesday and Wednesday. So... memories.

It may be just a switch that can be replaced. Hope not to be without a machine because we don't want to do the laundromat thing during the pandemic.

One thing after another around here.

I'd awakened at 4:00 a.m. worrying about my hoarding, all the stupid turns my life has taken, tried to pray as much as I was able, went in and hugged bunny, finally slept again from 6:00-8:00.

Anyone heard how Tillie is?

Struggling to get started this morning.

School is just such a roller coaster - I'm having trouble finding my enthusiasm. Low on energy and high on anxiety today.

Last night I dreamed I was shopping in a thrift store (no masks and that didn't cross my mind) but I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy. I finally found some blocks I thought might be good for the Bean, but then I decided they were overpriced and I left - at which point I realized my car had been stolen, panicked, and woke up.

CM, just keep moving forward! You know the drill: the more you do, the better you will feel,

OMG SubC that will be embarrassing! Your husband is such a romantic! He is so great and you are a great couple. But naturally I'd die. Glad you saw your grandson!

Let's see, I did a load of laundry, I bought food for BF and myself, I hung out with him a bit and that's about it, oh I brought out the printer and printed what I'll need to work on tomorrow.

Lila did you work on anything today? Or just rest up? Either Is fine!

I've showered and washed my hair and just had a quiche. So tasty. Broccoli and cheddar.

I left the printer out so that tomorrow I can scan what I do and then put it back into the closet.

Hello Tillie!

Had a great day with Bean! Poor mr. kitty is so exhausted he wouldn't even get out of his chair to sniff the soup bowl Dh put on the floor.

Managed to run a load of dishes and start a load of laundry too.

Tatoulia, I still haven't done my pajamas either.

CM, good for you getting your laundry done. Getting all those little scraps of paper done is good. They can build up until they are overwhelming, but if you just grab them when you have a few minutes here or there, it's not such a big deal and you feel like you got something done.

Dh has decided for tonight's entertainment he will sit by the fire and read the letters I wrote him when we first started dating. I was 17. This is embarrassing.

Doing laundry today.

Here and there dealing with and throwing out little notes jotted on bits of paper. Even though it feels slow and a little tedious, I expect this to pick up since my computer has been working better now.

For the time being may just work with that sort of thing rather than storage unit, until weather is consistently warmer. It's kind of annoying to start and stop with the storage. Whereas when I was able to have continuity with it last fall I did well.

Good afternoon everyone! I slept in and it felt terrific. I have a few things I would like to accomplish today including packaging up some things. I have some things to mail to two friends and I have my shredding to mail to the office.

I may take a peek in my closet and donate some things today. I still haven't gone through my pajamas.

So far so good in not spending in January. Not even tempted.

Lila keep taking care of yourself. SubC, I think you are seeing your grandson today! I hope so!

It's my trash night so naturally I'm pretty happy about that.

Lila, I agree that you need to rest. You did ok. Your dog toys are getting used. Did you eat any more diet food? Walking your dog is good exercise.

I am not good at relationships, so I don't know what to do about your "friend" except to say that doesn't sound like a friend.

My Christmas tree is in the goat pen! (The ornaments are packed away) I also wrote some class descriptions my boss needed for next year's registration.

Dh and I got to talk to ds and ddil on FaceTime for a while tonight - that was nice. He does tech support for hospitals, so he is very busy! She is still exhausted from her jab.

Best of all for me - Dd called and I get Bean tomorrow!