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Hoarding Help Message Boards : How to Help a Hoarder : Limit hoarder spouse's access to part of the home
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Limit hoarder spouse's access to part of the home

Posted: 30 April 2017 - 10:32 PM
Hello AH :)

I understand your frustration, I live with a person who slowly over the years became a hoarder.
Hoarding is not an anxiety disorder but the hoarding does cause anxiety.
Hoarding is usually a misdirected coping mechanism due to some unresolved trauma or traumatic brain injury.
A good book for you to read is "Digging Out".
It was written for people who have a person who hoards in their life.
He may not have been hiding the hoarding from you.
He may still be in denial that he is a hoarder.
Honestly, many people don't think they are even when living in their own hoards.
His getting defensive and angry whenever you bring up the issue is a very common defense hoarders use to stop you from continuing.
They become very anxious even thinking about sorting it out because somewhere along the line those types of decision making skills have become almost impossible for them.
A great book to help hoarders re-learn keep/toss decision making is called "Buried In Treasures".
Good luck and best wishes :)
Posted: 30 April 2017 - 11:03 AM
I have just about had it with this.....I married a hoarder who moved into my home. It was already bought and paid for. He is basically a wonderful guy, but I have felt there was deception from the very beginning of my marriage. He helps with bills, does his own laundry, buys groceries, etc. However, he kept this hoard-thing a total secret until after we were married. At the time of our marriage, I honestly didn't even know what a hoarder was. Had I known, this would have been a deal-breaker. I have accepted the fact that his designated room is his to do with what he wants. but the unopened stuff is again spilling out into the hallway outside the room (the hall was mostly cleaned up at one time). Now, it's spreading into the downstairs office. I know hoarding is an anxiety disorder, but this hoarding is causing me to feel anxiety because I like uncluttered spaces. I'm not saying I'm a perfect housekeeper, I can have my own clutter....for a maximum of about 2 weeks after which it is GONE!!!! I'm pretty sure I can't live the rest of my life like this. Life's too short, and the nights are too long. When I have tried to discuss this with him, he gets defensive or angry.
Posted: 20 January 2017 - 12:18 AM
Hi :)
Your posts are in the "Clean up help" section :)


That's a LOT you have been doing and a LOT you have planned.
GREAT that you are removing mouse nesting places and mouse proofing the food.
That's all very important.

Good luck!

Sincerely, Tillie
Posted: 19 January 2017 - 10:15 PM
Can't find my posts
Posted: 19 January 2017 - 10:14 PM
Quick reply.

Last week I made a list of priorities for what makes me resentful and I can put off for a short time.

The kitchen is the priority.
I recleaned the counters again.
Microwave, and took everything out of the cabinets.
If it was food my policy is
" when in doubt throw it out"

I did take a stand. Due to the milk. I now am the organizer of cabinets. I threw out all the duplicate measuring cups. That made the wife upset. She was to upset to cook.

I took mom and daughter to dinner at fish food place., strategically though it was across from bed bath and beyond.
I bought new glass measuring cups . Things I can bleach. And I asked them to buy new towels and oven mitt.
At least the kitchen has been 100% for one day.
Before going to bed I organized the baking supplies to be nearest to the sink but on the side where the oven is. Hopefully this will contain/Confine any messes. In the area easiest to clean.

I also bought those acrylic containers that have the air tight seal with metal clamp. They are ant and mouse proof.

All food in the house is now in the kitchen.
All food in the kitchen is now mouse proof.

I'll spend the rest of the weekend living in the kitchen.

Next Monday I'm going on a purge campaign to purge clothes In The laundry area. I've seen mice there. So I'm sure there a nest in there .so my plan is completely clear the entire contents from the kitchen to laundry. And purge clothes that either ruined or won't fit in their closets.

I plan to buy them three new outfits apiece.but also purge about a hundred.

I have a temporary clothes bar 12 feet long .I've been putting 10 tops on hangers when I go to restroom because it's near the laundry.
I've been prompting them that next week is laundry purge week.

So now I have a living room with nothing in it but a TV and couch.

The dinning room is filled with clutter about 6 feet deep.

The kitchen is cleared and cleaned. All valuable and useful appliances have been packed up and labeled. Taken to a area where only labled packed boxes are. All boxes were photographed before closing.

Laundry room has a purge plan.

I will redo the storage area as needed.

I feel hopeful that in two weeks the downstairs will be cleared , cleaned , and organized.

Sorry for not reading your posts.
I will this weekend when I'm on a better device.
I'll need to take a break sometimes and I'll take some time to find out about the other people on this thread then.

Doing the doable. Five containers a day. Morning, noon,before dinner, after dinner, before bed.
Posted: 16 January 2017 - 10:15 AM
A good book to read is
"Digging Out"

Remember, you live there too and you have a need for some non-cluttered spaces.

Please make some "Clutter Free Zones" and defend them.

Best wishes & good luck :)
Posted: 16 January 2017 - 12:13 AM
Thank you for sharing that. It actually made me feel like I don't have it so bad. But I appreciate the encouragement to designate some spaces to push back on.
Posted: 15 January 2017 - 11:01 PM
Hi :)

I have done this.
He tried to reclutter the spaces I claimed for myself but eventually learned that I would immediately remove his stuff and put it in his areas.
This house is very tiny.
The living room area, kitchen area, dining room area are all just one small room.
I do not allow this space to be a dumping ground any more.
He can no longer hoard stuff in the pantry or bathroom.
I have a very small room all my own, he never even goes in there.
He has the bedroom all to himself and can stuff all the things in there that he wants to.
He also has the entire 4 car garage with an upstairs loft and 3 car carport and half an acre of land that he has completely filled.
I have a very small area outside where I have my garden/yard where he is not allowed to put stuff.
He wants to reclutter up the clear areas but he knows I will fight back.
I had to do this for my own sanity and peace of mind.
Posted: 15 January 2017 - 07:24 PM
My spouse is a hoarder. He got a work bench for the garage (yay!), But then piled it high with tools mixed up with and covered by collectible objects, so it is impossible to work on or find anything. He also filled the rest of the garage with broken or in-need-of-repair furniture, 90% of which he does nothing with.

He then did the same thing to the basement, which has an open floor plan with no lockable rooms. Door sized "work" bench, piled high with teacups sculptures, deflated footballs, lamps, etc. Floor all around also covered with stuff.

So in a small corner of the basement, I built my own work bench and set up my own tool array. I got him duplicates of everything I had, so he couldn't say I wasn't sharing, because he doesn't put his tools back in their boxes, loses stuff and leaves stuff out in the rain to rust, and asked him to please respect this as my working space.

He started small, by putting a few objects on my work bench, so that it would seem petty for me to ask him to move them. Within a few weeks he had covered the bench with stuff, and moved his "projects" onto my clean bench (I put everything away when I am done working) because his TWO "work" benches were piled high with "collectibles" that he "is going to sell." When I reminded him that this was supposed to be my personal work area, he countered with "you never use it". That is because I go to work and don't stay home all day like he does. More piles.

I am very angry after years of this. I feel like I am a guest in this house, because I have no personal space, except for my office, where my main activity is paying the bills.

In a couple of years, we will be retiring and moving into a smaller house. I would like to get a house where he can have one room for blatant hoarding, the run of the living space for decorative hoarding, kitchen for kitchen stuff hoarding, but still have a place where I can have a workbench in a garage that he can't get into, and an uncluttered room that I can relax in.

I know this sounds selfish, but I want to be able to lock him out of part of whatever house we end up with, so I can have some space to enjoy my hobbies without them being swept into a maelstrom of hoarding, as well as have some place to relax away from all of that stuff. Who wants to lock their spouse out of part of the house? I know it isn't normal. Has anyone done this? Does it work without too many hurt feelings? Is that the wrong question? I've never dealt with something like this before.
Hoarding Help Message Boards : How to Help a Hoarder : Limit hoarder spouse's access to part of the home

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