I agree that you can do some research about how to help a hoarder. She may or may not realize that's what she is. To me, her job would be horribly depressing. Add that to other things, and it's understandable she'd just give up.

Perhaps you can start by asking if she'd like to come over and take a shower? She may be unable to and might welcome the chance. If she is offended, just approach her lovingly and say you think she'd be more comfortable but how else can you help her? If she says "I don't need help," back up a bit. Read more. Consult with professional de-hoarding folks. Read lots of things on the boards here.

Best of luck!

Hi :)
Read the book "Digging Out".
It was written for people like you, people who want to help but don't know where to start.
At the top of this page is a link "National Resources"
click on that then click on your state.
See if there are counselors in your area that you could refer her to.

Good luck and best wishes. :)

Hi, my husband's sister seems to have a hoarding problem and we would like to help her. "We" would be my husband and I, and his brother and his wife.

"Sister Stuck" is just under 60, never married, though has a longtime boyfriend living with her now, who is recovering from a stroke.

My husband and I have only been married less than a year; 2nd marraige for us both. For a long time I'd met all his family, except for her, and sure wondered why there was always excuses for not getting together. We did have a legal matter to solve that she had us all stuck on because she was the legally named person in charge and she really messed things up by neglecting her duties (severe procrastination). But a friend solved it for us and we are all good with that now.

So finally I met her at Christmastime and wow, she smelled so bad. Like REALLY stale. It was a small room we were all packed in and her scent was VERY invading. I had smelled a homeless person before; it was like that. Clearly it has been some very, very long time since she had had a bath or shower or any water washing.

I gather that her home is filled with stuff and I imagine her shower is blocked off. She has always been single and I think it just got out of hand. The family had a store and used her home for storage for that, so that contributed (and my husband and his brother were in that business). I heard stories how when her plumbing acted up she would just use the woods behind her house (on a regular suburban street) and how when the fridge broke she just left all the stuff in it and used a cooler, and the stuff just stayed and stayed... Also how her home was overrun with fleas (she has cats).

She sort of hoards her money says the brother, and so I think she has the money to get professionals in to move stuff, and also a counselor.

She has a good personality in spite of how outrageous that all sounds and is attractive and interesting. She has a real job taking care of Alzheimer's patients in a home of some sort. I don't know how coworkers deal with the "scent".

We really would like to help her. When I searched online about this topic, I see that they can get defensive and even afraid if you offer to help get rid of their stuff. I can imagine this. I want to help, but I don't want to wear myself out in negotiating, or, take a day off to work at her house and be exposed to bad smells and fleas, only be allowed to carry off a few old cardboard boxes or bits of real junk and have to negotiate for that. I am just imagining what might take place. So I feel there must be a preferred way to approach offering help, from those who know how to deal with this.

We want to help her because she seems embarrassed about herself. She wants to spend more family time, but she is uncomfortably self-conscious when she did not used to be like this, the others tell me. And I am reluctant to have her here at our home, when I remember how awful it was to smell her pervasive staleness - it kind of makes you lose your appetite, and since we want to serve meals here - well, you can imagine. Its a real dilemma. I don't want to exclude her, and I don't want to include her. Its a lose/lose. The only solution seems to be to offer her help. And it would make me happy to help her solve the problem and see her be happier.

So, what are the rules for helping a hoarder and is there some kind of "intervention" conversation?? Also I would appreciate being directed to any good reading on the topic, too.