Dianne,
Where's your concern for your stuff! Some of mine lives in a community with gated goat paths.

You roll the office chair to the right to open up the left path to food. You roll the office chair to the left to open up the right path to Stuff City.

@Dianne... I find that I can really relate to your feelings and your words. I have been away from here for the longest time because I was doing so good after almost a full year of consistent purging. I hit a bad slump and am backsliding something fierce. Are you ok to share your story with me so I can see your whole picture? I feel like I have opened up a book in the middle and need to start at the beginning to understand. I really want to understand because your words are so on point to my feelings. If not here, I can be reached at darci798@live.com. Thanks!! Darci

:D

Wonderful that you are using the energy from the anger to make the changes to make your life better.

(((HUGS)))

Dianne I can relate to your reaction to empty spaces. I look around and see things laying where they should not be, and it is comfortable because I am familiar with a messy place. Guess I will take the clothes off the back of the chair and see if I can feel comfortable with a clean chair. same with dishes, I clean counters, then leave water bottles etc on them, just enough to make me criticize myself, ugh.

Thank you.

I am so impressed that you have a new roof!!!! My garage roof looks like an old horse with a 600 pound cowboy, as his owner, sway back. You made a great decision to take care of the roof.

It all came to a head on Monday Morning. I cried for a whole hour. Not totally sure why. Maybe about loss or being alone. Not sure.

The best thing is that if I were in public I wouldn't of cared. I just needed to cry. I understand that my body needed to release.

And guess what >>>> my skin cleared up soon after. Hormones? biological? Who knows.

Take care all.

Kara said... I am working through some had stuff. Questions that will never get answered, the What ifs, and thinking about peoples behaviours and personalities.

I opened a boxfile last night of letters. I needed to find out if I still felt angry when reading the letters. I did and I cried.

Gosh Kara I hate to see you so upset... something from the past? You sound like you have been to other support groups and know a lot about therapy and change. I hope you get past this, and I know how hard it is. Look for me in chat and we can talk. I am sure you know that dwelling on people, personalities and behaviours is not something you can control, you can only control you. Hard I know but there it is...

diane said... Mare that is a big deal for you to be alone for the first time in many years. When I was married, I lost my identity and thought I would die without him. Years later I delight in living alone, still trying to figure out who I am without a man, since I continually had one, or several men, in my life for years, never considered what it would be like when I aged out of dating. I could spend lots of time wondering what ifs, but stop myself and realize today life is good, and I am now ready to get rid of the hoard that has buried me from me. If you can just do a little every day to make your life better, one day, it will be comfortable. You are in a difficult part of your life for sure, and if you hang in here with us, it will get better. 4 months ago when I started this, I was really miserable, and in just 4 months, I feel joy and hope. Granted, I am spending many hours daily on the hoard, and I created this mess in 20-30 years, so is really bad, and never thought I could change, and for the first time in many years I am starting to feel comfortable at home. Please don't give up.

Yes it really is a big deal and I am getting more used to it, but have the same problem of not wanting to leave. I am working on that, weent to the doctor myself that time... a friend did have to come and take me to the grocery store, baby steps haha.

I am doing a little each day here - boxes, bags - its something and helps to keep me focused I am excited about getting it done and having so much less stuffstuffstuff!

I struggle with the depression and find it hard to be hopeful and positive a lot of the time... and being separated from my lover is so hard (he is in Canada) so its always one day at a time.

I have moments of happiness and contentment so that is a step forward... we are able to talk every day online and that helps me a great deal. Thank you so much for understanding and for your support, it is priceless to me.

I opened a boxfile last night of letters. I needed to find out if I still felt angry when reading the letters. I did and I cried.

Mare that is a big deal for you to be alone for the first time in many years. When I was married, I lost my identity and thought I would die without him. Years later I delight in living alone, still trying to figure out who I am without a man, since I continually had one, or several men, in my life for years, never considered what it would be like when I aged out of dating. I could spend lots of time wondering what ifs, but stop myself and realize today life is good, and I am now ready to get rid of the hoard that has buried me from me. If you can just do a little every day to make your life better, one day, it will be comfortable. You are in a difficult part of your life for sure, and if you hang in here with us, it will get better. 4 months ago when I started this, I was really miserable, and in just 4 months, I feel joy and hope. Granted, I am spending many hours daily on the hoard, and I created this mess in 20-30 years, so is really bad, and never thought I could change, and for the first time in many years I am starting to feel comfortable at home. Please don't give up.

I am working through some had stuff. Questions that will never get answered, the What ifs, and thinking about peoples behaviours and personalities.

I'll talk to my counsellor about it.

Roxie thank you and I am happy with the progress here, yes, and so amazed at how much it helps. Still struggling with getting out but not beating myself up for it either haha.

I think one reason things are difficult is because everything I do, every box I unpack underscores the uncomfortable reality that I am alone. This is a first for me... married at 16, 5 kids by the time I was 22, 9 grandchildren by the time I was 55... never alone until a few months ago. Its... I need to look at it as a new beginning, a new chapter.

Group (((hugs))) :)

thanks Roxie and Mare, feels so good to hear from you. Tillie your poem made my eyes water. You certainly live by those words, and have helped all of us so much, thank you, and thanks for all wisdom you share.
I am still most comfortable staying home alone, and little by little I am letting people back into my life, just enough to stretch a tiny bit.
Slowly enough that I don't have to shop for the stress!! Although this morning I really wanted to go to a garage sale in a really nice house up the hill from me, and here I sit, working to make my life better, no great bargains will make my life better, just good old fashioned work to clean and organize, and staying close to you all, will make my life better

Thank you Tillie... so simple yet it says so very much. xoxoxo

This is how I want to be remembered.


I Shall Not Pass This Way Again

Through this toilsome world, alas,
Once and only once I pass,
If a good deed I may do,
If a kindness I may show
To a suffering fellow man,
Let me do it while I can,
No delay for it is plain
I shall not pass this way again.
Author Unknown

Thank you too diane, such heart-felt sharing of yourselves with us. It brought up a lot for me as well but I will save it until I have processed it a little better... we all have so much in common, I find that out here more and more.

Beautiful post, Diane.

When I'm gone, I want to be remembered as someone who made the world a better place for a lot of people.

Thanks so much Dianne for sharing from your heart. I still get caught up in the past regrets, and have to stop myself from torturing myself with verbal abuse. I did make a lot of mistakes and hurt too many people, including family. My dad was lots of fun, when he was around. He helped so many people, and left us to survive on our own most of the time it seemed. At his funeral the church was packed and heard all the great things he did to help others, still ached that he didn't find his family as important as others. So many feelings reading what you wrote.
Today I find myself making much better choices and have been amazed at how I handled several situations recently. As the hoard decreases, my kindness increases it seems. I am still feeling an urgency to get things finished. The pressure this puts on me is cruel, feel anxious and unable to relax. It appears to be black and white thinking. I am either serious, slightly miserable and working hard or happy, silly, and lazy. False beliefs obviously, but real to me. Plan to make an effort to feel joy daily. Still feel my mom is jealous when I have fun, even though she is dead. She was very jealous of me for years, won't go into that. silly to let her feelings put a damper on my happiness, and it sneaks up on me. feeling more happiness than I let myself acknowledge, which is odd.

Gosh Dianne... amen and cheers...

ROXIE said -Kara, Diane, Mare, Dianne, Tillie, I very much appreciate the longer and more in-depth posts as I think they hit home more with me.

Mare said she was in a slump (sleep/doze) and I think I am, also, these past couple days. I don't know if it is the CFS or what. I'm just going with it because in my experience it does pass and I get more done. I'm sticking with the basics at least.

Wow Roxie I could have written this myself. I find that the CFS kicks on (relapses) every now and again out of the blue and it is usually combined with, or causes maybe. more of an emotional slump as well. Not being able to move as freely or think as clearly can be such an obstacle.

Part of what might be going on is my age (64) and thoughts about it. As I sporadically work on ancestry dot com, I have realized my father was just shy of his 70th birthday when he passed (heart) and my mother was, I think, about 74 (heart). Both were obese for their entire adult lives (not when younger) and I believe that was a major contributor. My mom developed Type II diabetes when I was in high school, and I am sure it was because of her weight.

Again it is the same with me about my age (59) which I can barely if at all relate to being! I swear I feel like I am 38 at the most hahaha. My dad was 80 and my mom 78 when they passed and I still miss them a lot, especially my dad who lived with me and had a lot of health issues those 16 years.

I worry sometimes about my own weight (high) and wonder if I will get diabetes because of it but no sign yet, thankfully. My grandmother had it but was not really over weight.

Be sure that I loved my parents and their size was NEVER an issue in terms of my loving them and being proud of them. I just wanted them healthier as they grew older. And I want them and all my relatives still here. Waaah.

I do not have a weight issue, but I smoke. Just as bad.

And again, me too... about the smoking. I am lucky that no one treats me with any disrespect or unkindness where my weight is concerned, I have alost some this year but have a way to go and I really appreciate what you say about how you feel in regard to your parents.

Now I look at the fact I could go any day and part of me does not care and part of me is so sad about it. I started an autobiography of sorts at my son's request, and had fairly well covered the first five years when my computer crashed and I lost the draft.

Wow... me too me too. At my daughter's request. I did a time line and was shocked at the amount and number of tragedies I have been through but it explains a lot about my own journey...

I think he's most interested in how life was different in the "old days." And it was most certainly very different, as has been each generation. I so miss all my relatives who have passed, and that is most of them except cousins. We were most of us very close all these years, thanks to the efforts of my parents to regularly get together.

So true, things are so different in terms of generations. Especially as I was raied over seas (Asia) and thinking about how I raised my family - few electronics and more outdoor stuff -to how my grandchildren are coming up but I will say my children are acutely aware of the differences and make time to instill old fashioned values and experiences.

THis is meandering, but this is what I've been thinking about lately. I wish each of my relatives had left behind memoirs of what their individual lives were like and what the times were like. My grandmother, for instance, got married at 17 and was widowed by 19, with one child and pregnant with the second. This would have been about 1918. He drowned (bodies never found) in a fishing boat that went out, at age 24. How sad.

I'm so glad you meandered and gave me (us) a chance to know you better and see the commonalities as well as the uniquenesses and I share that wish, so pointed when I think that there is no longer anyone to actually -ask-. Wow yes, so interesting but sad. My grandmother came in a covered wagon from Arizone to Florida and then lost her young husband to a telephone pole tragedy (struck while he was high up), leaving her with 2 small children to raise and she was remarkable, so were my mother and uncle.

Thank you again for sharing so much of yourself in this post.

diane said...The hard stuff: today I don't have as much energy, still have some paperwork nagging me, will only take minutes but I have brooded over it for much longer, just do it!!!
Still very difficult for me to know what to do with stuff, so still churn, not as much but more than I like.
Molly not doing as well today, peed on lounger outside.
Friend and I had a few words on keeping agreements that wasn't fun. She now will keep Monday lake days for next 4 Mondays, so happy about that.
She tried to blame me, so I stood my ground, very difficult for me, friendship is more important than being right, so dealt with it with kindness, I am learning.
Dianne, when I read your posts, I am learning kindness skills, thanks.

We are in the same boat as far as energy is concerned mine is still low and I have done a lot of sleeping and snoozing. I know it will get better but for now we have to listen to our bodies and yes be kind to ourselves... sometimes that is really hard to do, to fight the nagging voices telling ourselves we are lazy and will never get things done. YES WE WILL, and we are NOT lazy!

So good that you stood your ground, too and you are so right about friendship. Kindnesskindnesskindness!

Roxie said to diane... Is there some way we can help or encourage you with regard to churning? What seems to be the hangup point or issue?

Also I saw her answer... Thanks Roxie. I will have to pay attention to what I am thinking when I churn. My guess, I am thinking, "later I will be able to decide easier, so just put it here for now". Haven't labeled areas yet, so not sure where certain things will go. Don't know how much area to allot to categories

I am having the same problem, mine is also in labeling and separating, it seems to be so daunting even when I try to do just one box or bag... Hopefully this will get better I need to just do it, just crack down on myself and not let myself get away with it too much or for too long.

Dianne said... Anyway, thank you Diane. Compassion is something I want to practice and extend a lot more of in life. Probably because I need it so much. Anybody remember the Moody Blues? Question of Balance....And all the love you've been giving, has all been meant for you.....

Good times, good concerts, good smokes, good life :)

I loved your post Dianne, it helped me to see some things about myself, like you did, more clearly and I tend to do the same thing, making it about mememe. I want to listen better, to respond to the message like you said... thank you so much for taking the time to post all of that, and I echo your sentiment and remember the Moody Blues and the good times...!

Thanks Roxie. I will have to pay attention to what I am thinking when I churn. My guess, I am thinking, "later I will be able to decide easier, so just put it here for now". Haven't labeled areas yet, so not sure where certain things will go. Don't know how much area to allot to categories.

The hard stuff: today I don't have as much energy, still have some paperwork nagging me, will only take minutes but I have brooded over it for much longer, just do it!!!
Still very difficult for me to know what to do with stuff, so still churn, not as much but more than I like.
Molly not doing as well today, peed on lounger outside.
Friend and I had a few words on keeping agreements that wasn't fun. She now will keep Monday lake days for next 4 Mondays, so happy about that.
She tried to blame me, so I stood my ground, very difficult for me, friendship is more important than being right, so dealt with it with kindness, I am learning.
Dianne, when I read your posts, I am learning kindness skills, thanks.

You give me hope too Kara, thank you for being here so much and for the chats, maybe we can hook up tomorrow, I was in bed most of the day with my fatigue taking over but tomorrow is a new day, eh?

See you soon!

You give me hope: if you can do it. SO CAN I.

Thanks

I am still very new but I certainly agree and am so very grateful. This gives me a safe haven with understanding and support that is so priceless... I look forward to reading and posting every day and to the meetings on Sunday and Tuesday.

Even little chats make my spirits soar. I know I am on the pink cloud for now, everything looking rosy and new, but I plan to stay for the long laul and I know others have been doing that for quite a while

Thank you all so very much.