Good Day All,

Pushed through a challenging day yesterday. I started working on my family room. I got through six bins, very little attachment issues, threw away 3 bags of trash (less than I hoped). Goal for today is to work on books. I have 10 bins (not including what's already on shelves). I hate parting with my books but I hate living like a slob more so I will begin sorting through to see what i can donate. I definitely haven't been able to throw any books away. Although I didn't have attachment issues, I did experience moments of joy and pain as I have vivid memories of how and when I used / shared these items with family (some who are now deceased). I also keep envisioning what my family room used to look like when it was functional. Trying to let this inspire and motivate me to continue.

Lila - Sorry to hear that you are still not feeling well. glad that you were able to get some sun yesterday and I understand the issues you are having with letting go clothes. Can you set a goal of parting with maybe 2-3 items per day? I see how well the daily tally is working for you so wondering if a similar daily clothing target may work with you.

Just my two cents. I'm struggling here as well at times because I've already thrown away so much and have only a few items that I can fit. It should be easy to let go, it's like a mental hold that I won't have anything. On the other hand, when i get frustrated, I blindly throw away things to get it out (with the mindset that I will repurchase if needed). Feels good when I reclaim the space but now I barely have clothes to wear which is another reason that I isolate.

SubC - Glad that you finally got to play with Bean. Were you able to get any laundry done. Thanks for the reminder on one day at a time. The goal is to make incremental progress without adding to the hoard. And yes with all that's going on, I am really taking inventory of my relationships, it's a painful but necessary process.

Tat - Great job on getting rid of 20 bins of books. This is challenging for me. I like kindle as well but not as much as holding the book. But thanks for the reminder, this is a great compromise. Also, great job on getting the litter and be safe in the storm.

Forgive me for rambling all, still working on brevity but wanted to join to keep myself accountable and to try to support you all as much as you're supporting me.

good morning. I caught up on your posts and am cheering everyone on. There is some good advice in this thread. I also laughed at the Counter of Doom, SubC... you know I have one myself!

I am still sick, but TotsDad came over yesterday and we worked in the garage together for 30 minutes. That's all I could do. But we sorted quite a bit and I posted a bunch of things in the Daily Tally. I also threw out quite a bit of junk that was uncountable, like boxes of random odds and ends. Then I was so cold and tired I came in the house. I thought TotsDad was just moving a few tools to where they belong, but he stayed out there and worked. Over an hour later it suddenly dawned on me he was still in the garage and I had a fleeting thought of OMG what is he doing? What is he touching? Is he going through things? Is he making decisions?? But it was fleeting, which is good. I just trusted him. He told me later he was organizing and moved all the bins and boxes we already sorted into one space and put the things we have not sorted into another space for me to sort. How nice of him. I have not gone in there to look but I bet it is great! He is a good worker.

If it was not so cold and if I was not so sick I would be out there sorting now. But I am pretty sick.

I am also very, very tired, and am missing work today.

I got dressed and picked up the kitty litter. So that's done. Ready for bed.

I miss road, too. I'll see if she's on instagram.

I understand the feel of a real book and would never argue against it. I know im lucky that I'm able to enjoy the kindle so much.

I took the garbage out and ran to the dry cleaners and stopped at Whole Foods and came home and put my pjs on but I need cat litter. And we are expecting high winds and rain starting tmr. So I'm going to get dressed and go get some kitty litter. Two cats is a lot.

They are doing better. This AM while I was getting their food, the two were about five feet apart in the hallway and mom's cat was hissing and so I looked at her and she meowed. So they are trying.

Tatoulia, brushing my teeth is not routine for me. I am as impressed by that as I am by keeping up with laundry.

So, You did laundry, you wrote thank you notes, you dropped off the rug, and you gave your brain time to rest. Well done.

I like paper books. I like the way they feel when I read them.

The Christmas season is finally over here and some of the decorations are put away. Bean decided he wanted to keep his three dinosaurs and two of his books at my house, but I am not counting those as "in". I put his Dinos away in the toy snake bin.

He did not want to do playdo on the big counter, so I made no progress in the scullery.

I have a lot of laundry to do.

Lila, I would love to see Road back.

Books are definitely a toughie. Many years ago when u started here, I got rid of 20 boxes of books, mainly hardcovers and first editions. I had to. I just had to. I've since oared down my books even further. I have a kindle and I use it and like it a lot. It holds an entire library of books for me and this was a choice I adapted to easily. Not everyone will have it this smooth and I respect that.

I did nothing yesterday. Not even my internal goal of getting rid of two bags of mom stuff. I wrote probably four or five thank you notes and then slept or watched Netflix the rest of the day. So nothing to show for my weekend other than getting the oriental rug out to the cleaners. Oh! I did a load of delicate laundry last night. But that doesn't count as I stopped counting laundry as a true accomplishment since it's something I do so often. Same with dishwasher. I run it every night. I mention that I've done it but it's as routine as brushing my teeth so I do not feel a sense of accomplishment. .

The person inheriting my car will be taking it at the end of the month so that's another clean out project for me.

I will work on a few thank you notes today. I'd love to do some laundry but someone is doing theirs and they left it in the washer. Sometimes I hate having to move another person's laundry into the dryer. It's something that we all have tacit permission to do but I would prefer not to, I feel like I'm doing that person's laundry. Eventually I'll have to do so because otherwise I'm just hurting myself.

Good morning!

Hope, I have not attended any online support groups. I type slowly and don't need more things on my schedule. The asynchronous nature of discussion boards works well for me.

You have to remember - we did not get into this situation all at once. We are not going to get out of it all at once. Every day you get to make choices that will move you forward, hold the line, or make you slide back. And if you slide, don't beat yourself up. Just acknowledge that you are doing the best you can right now and try to find something you CAN do or some way to make things easier for yourself.

About the giving and getting nothing back - sometimes the things that need to be discarded are not things. Activities and relationships that add nothing to your life or drain you without creating value you see as worth it also need to go. I used to volunteer at the food bank and I eventually had to quit because while the food bank is a good thing, and volunteering is a good thing, when I looked at the whole picture the net result of me volunteering at the foodbank was negative.

My new book cost Dd 50 cents. My son in law wants to read it when I am done, so I will decide if I am loaning it to him or giving it to him when I am done. Books are also very hard for me.

Lila, getting your bedroom down to what you can wear right now would be great! And try on your jeans!

Today Bean and I play with his new Christmas things and the train from under the tree will get packed away. Maybe a few more Christmas things. Maybe I will make tiny progress on the counter of doom. It occurs to me that it would be really great if Bean could sit at the counter of doom and play with his playdo. Maybe I will scoop a bunch of stuff into a box so he can do that while I actually sort and wash some of the things on the counter! I'll let you know if we try that and how it goes.

I feel like crap but I cleared a small path to my closet in my bedroom. Mostly I just moved a few items but also threw away trash and donated one item. Then I was able to reach some hangers that were tossed behind the chair (why??) and able to hang up about 4 shirts that were draped over furniture. Now, don't applaud too hard, as there are 15 more items draped over furniture that I don't have space for... but I did put one shirt in for donation. I really need to bin up the clothes that are slightly too small but I am not ready to give them up, and move them out of my bedroom. Then I would have space for the things I DO wear in the drawers and closet. I might even find a thing or two to donate while I'm doing it. (Donating clothes is very hard for me but I have been doing it here and there).

I also walked the dog, which made me feel sicker, but no one else was going to do it so I did it. Now resting in my bed, avoiding Teen, who threw something at me earlier. At least I have a lock on my door.

Wow all the posts!! So great!

Tatoulia, I will definitely return the grooming tool. If I feel I really need one in the future, I will wait until I can afford something really good, on sale. For now, I will clean this thing up and send it back. Thank you for the encouragement... part of me was thinking about keeping it and making it work but it would annoy me in the end.

Hope, so nice to hear from you again! My recipe turned out really good. And I still don't understand where people keep things, but I am willing to try and find out by becoming one of those people myself! Although, probably never QUITE as perfect and decluttered as they are. I just want to be able to find things. Right now, if I want to get something out of my bedroom, I have to throw piles on my bed to try and search, and then have to throw the piles back. It is frustrating!

Hi CM and SubC! I wonder if Road will come back.

I still feel sick today. Really tired, headache, ears and nose congested. So far all I have done is brush dogs, unload/load the dishwasher, and heat up food to eat.

I also took care of myself in a small way: it is sunny (but cold) so I sat on the deck in the sun for about 10 minutes. I will do it again shortly. I find that I need sun on my face to feel well and this time of year has been very overcast and grey.

I hate being sick because it feels like I am wasting time that I am not working, but could be doing something enjoyable at home or making progress decluttering. But I am trying to give myself grace.

But my bedroom!!! ugh.

Hello Lila, CM, Tat, and SubC!

Thanks for all of your support. Catching up on your messages. Still have low energy and morale. Maintained what was done but haven't gotten anything new done. I've been dreaming about my sheroes and I feel that they are disappointed in me. Other times I believe they are encouraging me. I fight with myself most of the day because I know I am better than this but then I end in despair not accomplishing anything. Tired of feeling like this shame and living like this. Tired of waiting for help that is not coming. I know I am my answer and I simply have to put in the work to pull myself out.

Have any of you attended the online support groups?

Lila - Hope you are feeling better. you are such an inspiration getting things done even though you don't feel well. I agree you with you about returning the dog vacuum it if doesn't work. It is very frustrating when companies overrate their products. I spent the past few days reading some of the much older posts to get to know you all better and had to chuckle when you asked where do people put there stuff, because exactly how I am feeling. and that you tried a new recipe. How did it turn out? Going in my kitchen makes me slightly depressed because I need to have work done. I also miss cooking for my family that used to visit. Now I am too embarrassed to have anyone over.

SubC - Great job on your progress with your books. That is one of my problem areas and I was just , I was wondering what to do with mine. I'm so overwhelmed that Im ready to throw everything away because its killing me. I'm just so afraid of throwing away the books I really love. Sounds stupid as I write it because I'm sure I could find most on line again. I just don't have money to buy anything right now. Also, great job on your community, when I read about your group hug, I thought to myself, sure would be nice to have one of those when I need it, considering how much I give.

CM - Glad to hear that you got your sewing machine cover and that it's all situated now. I understand about you the tree. Don't be hard on yourself as long as it's safe to have it up. Also, thank for your advice on Poco a Poco. You didn't tell me but I think I figured it out. This is a major problem for me. I always need a big bang and have trouble celebrating small wins. Clearing a table doesn't feel good to me. I need the room to be finished for me to feel that I've accomplished something and given my age and health at times that is not always realistic. Also, that's wonderful that the library is offering all of those classes and equipment. I have a lot of the equipment but haven't felt much like taping into my creative side. I'm really a novice at it but still I haven't felt much like experimenting lately.

Tat - Yes, way to take a stand and take the rug somewhere else. Also, thanks so much for the great suggestion on addressing being over qualified in the cover letter. I have been addressing it in interviews but need to get better about addressing it in cover letters. Fear has been killing me. But I'm getting to a point of asking what's the worst that can happen. I am tired of feeling shame and of being afraid.

Wow! So many people came by while I was out last night!

CM, I am so glad you have your sewing and music back!

I have an idea on the sewing. You can see what you think. I think I would suggest, that instead of adding to your sewing queue, you just start sewing. As you address each item in the existing queue, you can decide if it is still worth doing - now, or if it should just go. (If you need materials, make a list by item and stick the item at the bottom.) once you have been through the whole queue, and finished what you can, you can start on your bags of clothing. It is ok to get rid of something without repairing it if you don't want/ need it anymore. When the bags have been cleared, you can look at your materials needed list and decide what is actually worth buying for your next project - by then you might be ready to let more things go.

I think using the sewing machine regularly would help you keep it accessible and operating, and not bringing things in from the bags will protect your space.

I definitely need to exercise more.

Lila, I hope you are feeling better today. You got some things done yesterday - even though it was a bad day. Be proud of yourself and just take it one day at a time.

Tatoulia, it sounds like you are moving forward. I'm glad you got to renew a connection. Do you feel lighter not having a car? Have you emptied and given up your garage? How was the zip car experience?

Hi Hope! How are you doing today?

Bean and his mom are coming out this morning and his daddy will arrive after church. We'll open presents and have dinner, and they will spend the night. Then Bean will stay tomorrow but his parents will leave in the morning and I will return him to the at the end of the day as usual.

Hello SubC, CM, Lila, and Hope!

I am grateful for your support! Thank you so much.

I rented a zip car today (my first time) and took my rug to a place out in the suburbs that my friend recommended. She took her rug so we met there and then went for breakfast. After I got home, I realized it's one of BF's friend's 92 birthday so I called him to wish him a happy birthday and to see if he needed groceries. So I walked over to the supermarket and got him the chicken, bacon, etc he needed and I snuck in some coffee ice cream and some cupcakes, too. He met me outside and I told him that today"s groceries are his birthday gift from BF and me. I haven't seen this friend in a long time and it was great. I haven't had the chance to see if he needs his meds or anything. BF took very good care of him back when he had his business. And then I used to pick up his things at the pharmacy and take him to get his ID renewed, etc. it's good to be able to get back to stuff like that.

Hop, the word is derogatory toward women. Really nasty.

I have to work on the stuff from my mother's. I got it all out of the hallway but now it's in my living space. I need to find a way to go through these remnants.

Big snow headed our way but the media are probably making more of it than necessary. Hoping I'll show some productivity tomorrow.

Thinking of you all and cheering your progress and hoping that the bad things turn around. Hope, it is particularly humiliating to be rejected for being overqualified. Special brand of hell. If you would permit a suggestion, you might wish to address the overqualified issue in your cover letter, such as if you used to be in management or part of an executive team, you might say "after a wonderful career of leading a team, I am now looking forward to a position as individual contributor ". This signals that you know you have the qualifications for a higher level job AND lets the company know you won't look at the work as being beneath you. Feel free to reject or ignore this suggestion.

Lila, please return the grooming tool. Let's make 2024 the year where we don't try to make something cheap or shoddy work for us. I'm working on not accepting "workarounds " this year. Example:. Glad my vendor or IT people have devised a workaround but I'm still going to need it fixed. There are plenty of opportunities for us to make things work with what we have. If the brand new stuff doesn't work, back to the store!

SubC I'm sure the browning tree is bothering you. Hopefully everyone will be in good health. I liked the story about your former students coming by! Group hug!

Cm you are moving in the right direction! Well done on the sewing machine cover AND for getting it off of the bunny cages.

hi guys, nice seeing your posts CM and SubC and glad we are all making bits of progress. Glad to see you on the Daily Tally, too, SubC.

I am sick and miserable, Teen was yelling this morning and angry, everything unhappy. They went to their brother's and now I am home by myself and trying to recover. I feel really unwell but when I lie down I can't relax, so am sitting on the couch watching tv.

I did go in the garage to try and make slight progress, just sorting some papers but got that done.

I also sorted part of the fridge. Froze some things, tossed some things.

I want soup so I took out some soup we made a few days ago but it has pasta in it and the pasta soaked up almost all the broth. I am not in the mood for noodles at all, so I put it all in a pan, added extra water and am heating it up. Then I will try strained out the pasta so I can just enjoy the broth and not feel like I wasted everything by dumping it all in the trash, since no one was going to eat it.

I have not worked on my room. BUT, I did a load of my laundry and a load of towels is in the dryer. So that's good.

That room though.

Lila, I wondered if that tool did sound a little small for the job, like they oversold its capabilities. I'd go for the refund and keep looking.

My sewing machine vinyl cover just arrived! Now I can permanently place the machine in its spot on the craft table, knowing the dust bunnies will not be able to attack it again.

Got the keyboard MIDI cable connected to the laptop, and fired up Aria Maestosa (software program). Recorded a little doodle, but can't figure out how to get it to play back yet. (Plunge right in, read instructions later, that's my M.O.!)

I may not end up sticking with Aria Maestosa - because I remember Mr. Cool Tech Dude at the library speaking of a program they have classes on. It's called Audacity. I was thinking it was part of Adobe Creative Suite (which the library does have a subscription to, so you can use it there, but I'm not going to pay when there's plenty of open source available). Anyway, Googled Audacity - and it is open source! And it looks to be more currently updated and maintained. Probably has more features too. So I may just switch to it before I get too far in, and obviously take the library's Audacity classes - sounds like a win!

I don't know if I shared that the library has been setting up an actual Maker Space, with Cricut machines, 3D printers, and whatever else; I was going to check it out more but then covid and the holidays were upon me. Also, my university, WSU, has the MakeICT (ICT is the abbreviation for Wichita) center on campus and I've been meaning to become acquainted with that. So hoping that 2024 finds me really connecting more with the artistic and maker community in my town.

Closer to home - I will not get so carried away with all this that I neglect sewing and other things I've been getting back to, nor decluttering. Went out earlier to fetch something from the garage and saw bags of clothing that are more things that I need to either repair or move on out - and I can add the ones that make the cut to my sewing queue inside here. I'm going to get the things dealt with once and for all. Poco a poco!

I'm just glad though that there are many things that I will be able to be creative with, and knowledgeable people to guide me in learning how to do things. Finally, what I didn't know I was waiting for all these years: a grassroots community artistic milieu, instead of something where one has to "qualify" to gain entry even as a beginner. Or have money, for example, to rent studio space.

That entry hurdle has always been difficult for me, the pressure to produce, juried things, portfolio deadlines - to think I wanted to enter the world of academia at one time where I would've had "publish or perish" hanging over my head... yikes. Well, I bailed 3/4 of the way toward my master's because it was all so scary. There were other things going on; it was not a happy time. But that's water under the bridge. Living my best creative life now is what counts. And the knowledge I did get in the writing master's program, and later my short lived attempt at the second bachelor's in studio arts - the knowledge is still with me, stored as Hercule Poirot says in the little grey cells. As long as those little grey cells are functioning and dementia has not set in, I'm going to work them! There are so many online learning resources available too.

SubC, hope you get those hormones straightened out - I opted not to take replacement after my hysterectomy at 46, since some of my issues seemed linked to estrogen overload at the time. Sometimes I have wondered if my brain fog/ADHD is worsened by perhaps now being low on it, but I haven't pursued it. And exercise seems to be helping a lot with just about everything.

Tatoulia, wanted to throw in my moral support for you standing firm against the awful slur word the other day. If it's the word I'm pretty sure I can guess, I absolutely loathe, hate, despise, and deplore its use, to the point where anyone using it casually loses my respect. It's gross and disgusting. Bravo to you for standing up for decency.

Hope - didn't want to forget to say Hi to you also - keep popping in when you are able - did I tell you about Poco a Poco? I think maybe I did. Just keep doing the little bits of positive and don't get overwhelmed. Once you get a few victories under your belt things will pick up.

Good afternoon.

If I were being practical I would be starting evaluations, but I don't have the energy. Instead I have been poking around at drawers and shelves.

I listed some of my progress in the daily tally. I also may have improved the book situation, but we'll see. I'll list books when I actually drop them at the used book store. You can't actually see any improvement except on the two shelves that I dusted.

Dh and I are going out tonight. The kids have put off their arrival again until tomorrow. The Christmas tree is dry and starting to brown and I am sad when I look at it. But I also still want to keep it up until after we open presents with Bean.

Thank you guys for the suggestions. I looked at Wrong Planet and sent a link to Teen. Who knows, maybe they will find support there. Any other good forums or anything to find peers? They are more likely to do online stuff than in person at this point.

I made my bed.

The dog grooming vacuum came and I am disappointed. It does not have a lot of suction and the hair still flings around some. The tools slide through the hair and leave shedding clumps on the dog - not strong enough to suck them up or even brush them out. It is not really any less work than regular grooming. I imagine I would have a similar result by using my usual groom tools and a dustbuster next to me. It has a 30 day return period so I may try it one more time and then clean it to new state and return it.

Sad it was not my miracle grooming tool.

I wish I had gotten some work done on my bedroom today, it truly is like you raided a thrift store and threw 8 or 10 big bins of clothes and stuff in there. I can't find anything. It is terrible. I may try to clear a path to the closet and hang up a few things tonight.

I did cook a new recipe with Teen, and that is something good.

Yay for a working keyboard!

And for finding your things and streamlining and cleaning up!

It's great to hear you making progress!

If anybody cares, I would also give a shout-out for wrong planet. It's a mixed bag, but that's part of what I like about it. A lot of different voices and viewpoints, but I like the cultural norms if that makes sense.

Just caught a bit there SubC and will chime in to say I like some of the neurodiverse spaces on Reddit, and there's also a site called Wrong Planet that I want to look at more. I'm trying to go slowly on some of the autism questions I have because it can become its own rabbit hole (speaking only for myself here). I am naturally introspective and have plenty of "How the heck did I get here?!" questions about my life's trajectory. It'd be one thing if I were younger and might have time to do more damage control. Alas.

Anyhoodles... actually came to report a happy thing:

Bought the batteries and put them in my keyboard and it turns on! So the problem is not the On/Off switch which can be one possibility, according to some forums I looked at. The adapter is aftermarket and its green power indicator lights up, and it doesn't seem to be loose in the port, but dunno if there's still some problem with the port that I can't detect visually. Might see if someone can try the adapter with another device to check it, or if there's another compatible one I can test with my keyboard but not have to buy unless I'm sure that's what's needed. I'll talk to the guy at Guitar Center; he was so nice the other day. I don't want to take the keyboard out in the damp cold weather though. Just pick his brain first. Also my library tech guy may know something about these things.

I have been finding the books and accessories that go with the keyboard, which has been a real trip - on this one set of shelves that has hardly gotten looked at for several years. My sheet music has resided there. It's also where some of those sewing and quilting books and things were/are, some of which I thinned out earlier in the week.

There's something of a mood of renaissance about all this. Creative areas of my life that had gone dormant, stifled under discouragement, now being not only reawakened but the streamlining process making it much more likely that I will not be bogged down, and more able to be productive in it all. Jettisoning the dead weight. Dusting - it's wild to dust these things and see them looking spiffy and "alive" again. That sort of dusting is a joy.

Good evening.

Hope, looking for a job is accomplishing something. I'm sorry you were told you are overqualified.

Lila, I don't know about the hormones. My mom had a bad experience with hormone therapy and there is cancer risk in my family. I'm also not sure they're that fast acting. - I can't actually predict when the bad days are going to be, just that sometimes they seem connected to hormonal shifts. (I am not menopausal, but have not had anything like a regular cycle for some time.)

We'll see. I was feeling like it was really, exceptionally bad and then I got the email from my former student and then I actually felt better for a bit.

I'm sorry teen is resistant. Finding your tribe is really important. There are autism sites where you can just go and lurk and read - I found one where I was reading a thread that just kept making me laugh, and Dh asked me what was so funny and I started reading him things and he just looked at me blankly. One of the things about my real life is that people often laugh in the wrong places. It was really nice to experience humor that made sense to me. Just feeling like you have people and are not alone. Even if you never talk to them.

I hope you got to rest.

I had a good day at school. My expected visitor came at lunch, and then after we'd been hanging out for about half an hour, a second student who graduated with her just appeared in my door and we rushed him for a giant group hug. It was so good to catch up with them. They are doing well. We also discussed that none of us has heard from the third member of their cohort since graduation, which makes me sad. But they figure he'll resurface eventually.

During the private conversation, she talked about struggling with executive functioning and how showering is really hard (she's living with roommates and said her parents would remind her, but her roommates don't say anything.) I said "yeah. I have a husband who asks me frequently ‘have you showered today?'." She looked startled and I waved a hand and said "fourth wall." And then she laughed and said "so there's hope for me." This is why I want teen to have people.

I dropped off the trash and recycling today.

Took laptop in by keyboard, cleaned (keyboard was mostly in case but wiped a little dust from edges). Plugged keyboard power in, tried to push On button, nothing happened. Going to Target for 6 D batteries, hoping it will run on those till I can talk to someone about the power adapter connection. Fingers crossed... would hate to think keyboard not working.

post 2 -

oh I am so tired. And sneezing, blowing my nose, have a headache. I just want to rest. But I have to take Teen to another appt, and they are already distressed and crying and yelling, which has my adrenaline running and feels crummy. Maybe after, I can rest. I want tea.

The dogs are shedding so badly you would not believe it. Hair everywhere! I ordered a little Dog vacuum/grooming kit and it will be here today. It has grooming tools that attach to a long hose and has a very small vacuum (shoebox size). I did try to find attachments for the vacuum I have, but it was almost the same cost as this whole system which was half off. I am actually excited that this might help me keep the dog hair under control. It is the bane of my existence... hair everywhere all the time unless I vacuum every day, which I don't. I think grooming them this way once a week will make things much better. (When I groom them with brushes, no matter how careful I am, hair flies everywhere. I hope this will be more effective - they are big dogs).

So I also:
- vacuumed the carpet and kitchen
- took the dirty sheets off my bed
- sorted some vegetables that were going south, fried up the mushrooms with garlic and sliced a tomato and had those with an egg and a piece of toast.
- froze some soup from the fridge that was not getting eaten

I am leaving soon for that appointment. My goal today WAS to get my bedroom under control, but I have not been able to work on that yet. I hope to get the clean sheets and blankets on my bed, for a start.

I need to tackle that room the way I have been tackling the garage! With a donate box and a storage bin.

Good morning all. I was working a lot but now have the day off. I also have a cold so staying home for the most part.

SubC, those are great game suggestions! I remember hi ho cherry o from when I was a kid! And you reminded me I may have a Memory game here Tot would like. Teen does not have autistic friends and is resistant to any kind of community, gathering, group, online or in person. That is very isolating for them. I keep finding things and offering, hoping something will be appealing. Also, wanted to mention that if your few days a month that are difficult are hormone-related, you can go to a compounding pharmacy and they make special hormone creams, like lotion, that you can use to balance things out as needed. Not sure if that would help, but I believe it is natural and simple, so it's an option.

Hope, starting a new therapist is hard. You never know if it will be a good match. You might check at churches or religious organizations, which sometimes have free counseling or by donation, if and when you are ready.

CM! I'm so glad your energy is back and you are doing things! That's wonderful! Can't wait to hear all about it.

Today I feel sick, and Teen is distressed and crying, but before all that started I got a few things done:

- took out 2 small bags of trash
- unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
- went through the fridge and got rid of some expired condiments
- found some oranges that looked like they need to be used soon, and juiced them. I had a nice little glass of fresh juice that was delicious!
- put Teen's clothes in the dryer and our blankets in the wash
- brought in a small grocery order I had delivered, mostly for Son, who paid for them
- did the usual: fed dogs and let them out, made coffee, filtered some water, gave Teen their meds.

Not a bad start, really.

Hello All

SubC - Thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear that you were having a bad day yesterday. Sounds like today may be a better day. Hope you enjoy your friends visit and I may take a page out of your book and try to get out for a walk.

Embarrassed to say that I didn't get my goals done. I'll try again today. I spent the entire day looking for a job. I got a few rejections on being overqualified and spiraled. I did cook dinner last night but not really what I planned. I basically survived the day and spent the evening encouraging a friend (though I was extremely emotionally drained)

CM - ditto on SubC's congrats on getting your mojo back and being productive. that's the most important thing. thanks anyway for taking the time to post. I find it hard to focus to write these posts as well.

Lila and Tatoulia, I am thinking of you both and hope that all is going well with you.

Good morning!

Back to work today! A former student friend has promised to visit.

CM, I am so glad you are getting your mojo back!

I am trying. Yesterday was really bad - in part because I had no outside structure. Now I am panicking thinking about everything I need to do in the next two weeks. My biology is not my friend. I really need to come up with some kind of system for these bad days. I don't want to go on hormone treatments or drugs because I really only have a few bad days a month and those are all the time. I wish there was something acute that I could take - the way I can take ibuprofen only when I have a migraine.

Anyway, today I have structure, and a friend coming to visit and I need to get showered and organized!

Carry on!

I'll need to make this quick for now but I'll want to come back and catch up reading 2-3 days' worth of your posts and add a more comprehensive one of my own.

But get this: The reason I don't have as much time or concentration right now to write the post I'd really like to write is simply that I've been doing stuff! Gym yesterday, productive work on sewing area today, with more to come...

Since my sewing machine is near my keyboard, and I did get the MIDI/USB cable at Guitar Center on Tuesday, I will be getting it hooked up to my laptop as part of this effort. I've downloaded Aria Maestosa software to use to record.

Getting energy back, in other words.

Snow coming tomorrow morning, and maybe more on Monday. Meh. :P These next couple months are when winter gets serious around here. Well, I have fun indoor things I can do.

More later!

Hi hope,

How is your day going?

I had plans to be very productive, but I am fighting a real struggle to engage today. I got Bean's Christmas gifts out to wrap (for Saturday, and they are spread out on the floor and I don't even feel interested. I'm sure he will like them, but I'm having trouble imagining him being excited about any of them really. Which is silly, because I got to get him literally the only thing he's been asking for -( a pterodactyl)

Maybe I will try walking outside in the cold for a few minutes.

Thanks Lila and Subc. My yard wasn't blocked, just not neat/pretty like I like it. I try to keep the outside somewhat presentable so I force myself to go out and get some air. Though I have been failing at this lately. Thanks for your advice SubC. That was a powerful statement "Never compare your inside to somebody else's outside." I know I shouldn't but sometimes it's hard. I keep spiraling because also need some repairs but i need to declutter to get them done. It's kind of hard to think when I can barely take care of myself right now. Desperately trying to find a job. Right now it takes a lot of time to protect my mental health that I am physically drained doing so. I also keep spiraling because deep inside I know I'm better than this.
Lila great job seeking counseling. I know I need this but can't afford it at the present. I've been before so am trying to use some of the strategies I've learned. Sometimes it's hard when you are dealing with so much trauma at once and my therapist died so i have to start over with someone else which scares me. This is the worst my self esteem has ever been.

Lila I'm thinking of switching over to counting items at some point. Maybe I will find greater motivation.

SubC I am glad that you are celebrating yourself. i stopped expecting my family to celebrate me a long time ago. I used to be able to celebrate myself. I'm struggling to do so now.

Goals for today
-meditation
-selfcare
-fill at least one bag of trash

Thanks for your support

Good morning!

Lila, Bean also likes candy land. He Loves don't break the ice.

I am not putting in any links! We have cooperative games called orchard and snails pace race. Peter rabbit's blackberry game. Vintage hi ho cherry-o, Parker brothers game of cat and mouse (a lot of my games are old). We have lotto, but he just likes to use it as puzzles for matching. Apparently his other grandmother got him a game called "feed the hungry caterpillar" which Dd says is great but I haven't seen yet.

This is reminding me that I need to clean out the games closet..

Does teen know other autistic people?
Do they have online communities?
I hope the med helps!

Today is my last day of break.

I am going to get ready for school tomorrow and for celebrating with Bean's family on Saturday. Hopefully do some work on my environment.

SubC, what kinds of games do you play with Bean? Tot likes Don't Break the Ice and Candyland. We need to try Chutes and Ladders. I'm looking for more ideas.

Hope, so nice to read your post. You did great getting rid of all that trash! Do you live alone? I live with my adult Son and my Teen. I am separated and in my 50s. Female with young grandkids! We look forward to hearing more about your adventures in decluttering.

I had a very good day at work, then took Teen to another appt and it was terribly sad. I love them so much and they are so depressed and it is so sad. I would do anything to help them and have done many many things, expensive and time consuming things, to try and help, but nothing has worked at all. They say the autism is a big factor. They are starting a new med tomorrow and I am praying so hard that this helps.

This all gives me a deep sadness that is permeating my life, even in the times I am doing things I love. I am starting to see a counselor next week because this is very difficult.

I am working tomorrow too but hope to declutter and clean on Friday and Saturday.
My bedroom looks like a literal thrift store that was in an earthquake.

Happy new year Hope!

Nice job getting up and leaving the house! I mean that sincerely. Please try to just enjoy your family and not compare. You are seeing their outside. Never compare your inside to somebody else's outside.

When you say you cleaned your driveway- was your driveway blocked? Or just messy? How is it now? Is there enough stuff in your yard to cause you concern? If so, you aren't alone. I know Lila has done a lot of work on her yard, and I live on a farm with junk piles. I am just trying to get a feel for where you are starting so I can better encourage you.

Thank you for congratulating me on my new cow skills. My family tends to gently (or not so gently) roll their eyes at such things.

I had a good day with Bean. I made pretty good food choices. I showered and took my vitamin and i picked up my last three pots from the pottery studio and went grocery shopping.

The grocery shopping was really hard. Dh gave me a list that was not specific enough. Things like "apples" "salsa" "spaghetti sauce" "chips". The decisions were overwhelming.

Happy New Year.

I celebrate each of you for your kindness and transparency. I've been too embarrassed to invite anyone to my home now for several years. The relative that used to help me out at home died so I no longer have help. I got laid off so can't afford to hire help and have been a bit depressed about the layoff and state of my home so some days just hard to pull myself out of bed (and I have never been one to lay around all day, I am usually a workaholic).

I did wash several loads of clothes but I still have so much more to do.

I got out the house for New year's eve and New Years day and visited family. It felt good to get out because I had been isolating BUT i felt like crap seeing how neat and clean everything was at my relatives house. I kept thinking of how bad things were at home. I really miss entertaining family at home.

I threw out six bags of trash and also cleaned my driveway today. I don't trust myself trying to count things right now. I just try to get it in a trash bag as quickly as possible before I change my mind. Still feeling overwhelmed and immense shame. Praying that I find a job soon and for strength to keep decluttering a little at time.

Tatoulia - try to be kind to yourself. you are doing a wonderful job with all that you have going on. Grief is a process. Reading the stages of grief helped me to better understand what I was feeling going through after I lost my mom and a few other close relatives. I am also glad to hear that you got some rest.

Lila - congrats on getting back to work and for reaching your 2023 goal and setting your 2024 goal. I too believe it won't take long for you to reach that goal. You are truly an inspiration. Thanks for sharing.

Subclinical - congrats on setting your 2024 goal and on learning how to milk a cow.

Good morning!

Tatoulia, you would not want these calendars. They are not appropriate. Dd has to tell people to take them down.

My farm store has nice free ones with animals though.

The cow was sweet. She did not kick at all. I did get some milk on my jeans. The farm sitter sent me home with two sticks of butter and a pint of cream.

I had planned to go to the grocery store on the way home and buy some fresh fruits and veggies, but because of the cream in the car and the milk on my pants, I did not. And then when I got home I crashed. I got very little done yesterday and I made bad food choices. But today is another day and I get Bean - whose family is still Covid free. They will come for orthodox Christmas this weekend.

Tatoulia, be gentle to yourself. You are doing amazingly well.

When I was crashing yesterday I rewatched "white nights" I remember watching it with my Mom and thinking Baryshnikov was so attractive even though he was old because he moved with such grace, and now I think how young he was - lol.

So, today I have Bean and I will take him home and go by the downtown studio to hopefully pick up the last of my pots (not good for my tally) and I will get my fresh fruits and veggies. I think Bean and I will probably just play.

Ohh SubC, I lived in a dairy farm long ago. Milking a cow by hand is pretty much the same as goats... I have done both. My husband taught me to put my head in the hollow of the cow's gut, between ribs and back leg, so they can't kick the hell out of you.

Tatoulia, you have done well. Rest is part of recovery, too.

Our New Years Day dinner was a prime rib roast, mashed potatoes, roasted broccoli, steamed peas, rolls, gravy, and salad, with cheesecake for dessert. All homemade. It was delish. Tonight was pizza, which I did not want to spend money on, but it was for a party, so I did it.

I worked today, then took Teen to an appointment (grueling), then shopped, then visited someone in the hospital, then home for the party. I am so tired. I got up early to color my hair. I have to work early tomorrow. I am very glad I shave Friday off. I can get through til then. I really like my job but am SO tired.

Oh how I would love to get a calendar! They are on the endangered species list for sure!

I get a lot of food baskets and sweets. Most I put out for my department but a few I distribute to other non-public facing departments since we receive so much. I also take a few each year to my mother's place. I received a beautiful basket with champagne and sweets, which I gave to an elderly neighbor. I did not make my gingerbread houses this year and I wanted to bring her something. I looked up the basket and it was $150! So I took it to her on New Year's Eve. She mentioned that she was wondering about her gingerbread house. I did not mention that my mother had died. I get probably 20 to 25 things each year. One person sent me six YES SIX bottles of wines, which I gave to a friend who was helping me with mom's house. There was no point in keeping even one of the bottles. Another sent me a small bottle of wine (very cute) with some cashews and a wine glass, which I gave to the UPS person who was delivering it. I managed to get off of a lot of people's lists, which is a relief since I cannot deal with all of the stuff coming my way. If we get something good like a blanket generally people give me theirs since I know so many people who are minimally housed and could use the blanket. This year the one blanket I received I donated to goodwill. I was much too overwhelmed to take it to an individual. Looked like a nice throw so I'm sure it will keep someone warm.

So I worked on thank you cards tonight and I made a small bag of things to shred at work tomorrow. Good luck to me to find something I can wear to work. I'm large.

I slept after work instead of doing stuff. Not the best habit.

Good morning!

Tatoulia, that is a lot. You already have plenty of challenges for January.

I'm sorry but not surprised that the emotion hit you when you were done. I'm also very sorry about the rug place.

My Dd works in construction and she has difficulties with calendars. Sometimes they are gifts from vendors.

Lila, just keep telling teen you love them and making sure they get as much care as possible. It's all you can do.

Will you be downsizing houses when you move?

This morning I am going out to my farm sitter's place and learning how to milk a cow. She says it's easy- just like goats, but twice as many handles. Hopefully her cow is an easy milker. Cows are big.

I also need to run some errands and try to continue and build on my good habits. The scullery sink is empty!

Lila, I meant to congratulate you on selling a stroller! And now a foam pad is gone!

What did you make for dinner?

Also below I wrote my very best friend but it should have read my neatest friend. She's neat and tidy.

Thank you for your support. I did a little consolidating here. I've done the dishes and cleaned one cat box. Going to shower and go to bed. I too could use another day, Lila! One more day.

Tatoulia, that is a lot to handle. And feeling alone is one of the worst feelings there is. Even if we have people/friends etc, sometimes we are alone IN a situation, and that hurts. Praying things go along smoothly with your mom's things.
I am glad you had the integrity to not give that place your business. I hope whoever wrote that will think twice about the words they use.

We had a nice family dinner today, and I am glad. It was a lot of work cooking. I feel like I cleaned all day to get it presentable and then cleaned after. I keep thinking, "next year I will be in my new house and everything will be better!" I sure hope it is true.

I really wish I had another day off. But I have to work tomorrow. I love my job. I'll be happy about it once I am there. Getting up and ready and going is the hardest part after so much time off.

Also I gave away a big foam pad from the garage.

Hello everyone! I am sorry for the embarrassment of having people see your places. It's not easy. My very best friend was here on Saturday but she gets it. I'm up to my eyeballs here. I asked her if my place smells like cat (I ask this frequently) and she says no. So that's good.

Today I walked downtown to my office to drop off some shredding and then I had two more sweaters to return to Macys. I went to the grocery store and also stopped to pick up a few cardboard cat scratchers. For my cats. Still cannot wrap my head around the idea that I have two cats.

There were a number of corporate gifts on my desk. One I opened and put out for everyone. One was a big box of individually wrapped cookies that I took to mom's place for the staff. They are still my people. I cannot change that. Everyone seemed happy to see me.

I did not make my lemon pigs for new year's. I wasn't feeling it. I did put out my very pretty lemon salt and pepper shakers.

Yesterday when I finished up at mom's, I was sobbing and I felt so alone. Today I'm okay.

I have so much to get through here. So much of mom's stuff to get through. Not ready to make a challenge. I'm fresh off the heels of the challenge to finish mom's by the end of December.

I took my mother's oriental rug to be cleaned on Friday. I ended up not leaving it at the place. Although a well-known place, there was a clipboard on the counter with a label on it that had a derogatory word toward woman on it. Worse than the B-word. And so it turned into a moment where I couldn't spend my money there. They made a warehouse worker walk home the mile with me (my friend had dropped me off) and it was raining. There's more to the story but it's fine. I didn't get mad, I just couldn't spend my money there. The guy waking the rug home was worried he'd be fired. I decided not at take it any further because the manager was probably going to report it and I felt I have no real purpose other than spending my money somewhere else. I have found another place and I'll have to rent a car because my car is simply not drivable right now with the exhaust issue. Also I have to clear out the car by the end of the month since that's when I'm giving it to my neighbor. So a lot going on here. I guess that's a big challenge right there.

Anyway getting the rug out of the hallway next weekend will be a big help. I have written a few thank you notes and have probably 40 to go. I think I mentioned that I received 11 bouquets of flowers. And another 11 people donated trees in my mother's memory. Then other people sent cards and mass cards or left food etc etc. I ordered the initial batch of thank you cards and the 30 won't be enough so I've ordered another 30. Very pretty and personalized. From Etsy.

Blabbing along here.

Need to change the litter boxes, do the dishes, shower, go to bed. It's nearly 1130 here Love you all. Happy new year!

Happy New Year, friends!

I have had the same kind of experiences you guys have, being upset someone has seen my mess. When my son fixed my toilet he had to walk through the master bedroom, and I was so worried he wouldn't want to let Tot spend the night anymore. But it was very cluttered, not dirty, and although he did look kind of surprised, he did not say anything. But it hurt my guts.

Anyway, I started a new Daily Tally thread and put 8 things on it already.

I also loaded the dishwasher, baked a cake, made a couple calls. I don't want to do anything... Teen is in so much emotional pain and not being able to help but being around someone who is crying all the time and who is distraught is very difficult. I want to help but have exhausted all options. I will take them to their appointments. I tell them I love them, and I get screamed at. It is hard.

Anyway, they went to their brother's house and I am just getting a few things done.

I also sold one of the strollers from the garage!

Happy new year!

CM, chicken noodles will taste fine, reduce your fridge load, and stretch your budget. Enjoy the chicken noodles!

Maybe tomorrow you get a burger. Or maybe you think of something else you can cook..

Ok, now your cousin has seen your mess. When my cousin saw my mess she was horrified. Of the mess. Not of me. She said something along the lines of "oh my god (subc)" but here is the thing - it was the same tone she would have used when we were kids and I took off my bathing suit and she realized how sunburned I was. And she dug into the mess with me the same way she would have dealt with the sunburn - start applying solutions and stop if it hurts.

Even if your cousin can't help you, she might be able to help motivate you. Promise yourself that the next time she comes, the mess will be better. Just take a small step each day, and you will get there.

I am making such a good start to my year! I am keeping up with dishes and laundry. I did yoga. I showered AND brushed my teeth. I am making good food choices. I worked in the studio a little and threw a pot and left it cleaner than when I went out.

I found a set of 12 "12 days of Christmas" cookie cutters I can part with.

Happy New Year

I stayed up too late reading Harry Potter... Book 6 is one of the hardest to put down because it is tighter in the plotting with many reveals about Voldemort's origins and Harry's destiny, leading up to the big finale of Book 7. Plus romantic and other fun subplots.

So I made myself tireder than I should have. It would have still been okay but I got interrupted by a text and a temptation to change my plan to sleep in, and go to breakfast with someone instead. Then we each decided no, but by the time I shifted gears too many times my brain was jammed and I got cranky.

Roommate is on the road home. And it looks like maybe the sun will come out a little. I want a hamburger but I want to summon it like Hermione might, rather than get in the car and drive. Hmmmm... perhaps chicken noodles cooked here would taste just fine, and I could get a burger tomorrow.

I'm still reeling a bit from my cousin seeing my bedroom yesterday - again, she was not rude or judgmental but I can understand how after months of working on our grandma's hoarded house she just doesn't want to see me go down the same path. She cares. Before, at lunch, talking and catching up, it was so hard not to compare my difficult history with jobs and my anxiety and ADHD to her being able to just get jobs and plunge right in, and her mature, sensible ways with budgeting, etc. I'm hoping I can just be positive and let her good influence work on me but without feeling negative toward myself and self recriminating harshly for past errors.

If I can keep going on the good things I've started, that should be easier to do. Poco a Poco, right?

Just enjoyed reading everyone's posts! Wow! What a year! Lila great work on The Daily Tally! I was reading your cooler situation and thought, I'd like to see Lila make her choices now and get rid of the rest and next sentence, you said it!

Will write more in a bit. Yes it's noon and I'm still in bed. I have a cat on top of me.

Happy New Year!