Good Morning Everybody

Hi Subclinical
Happy you spent the time hanging out with DH.
Hoping you get the schedule that is best for you and your students.
Good luck with your plans for today :)

The blizzard was short lived here.
About 2 inches of snow on the ground.
Over night the temps dropped drastically so now everything is icy and frozen over.
Not going anywhere so not worried about all the icy roads.

The warm sunny days have gotten the Iris and Grape Hyacinths putting up their leaves.
Fortunately those varieties can handle a little freezing.

good morning all.

Tillie, I hope you are safe in your blizzard and that some of that snow melts into your ground!

I decided to sign up for "40 steps to make my life easier"

Yesterday I withdrew my request for an addition class next year. It will be a small but noticeable pay cut - not back to last year, but less than this year. I got a pretty big "raise" (more hours, hourly pay increase was 2.5% pretax) this year, but have managed to save a lot of it.

Today I am doing laundry and working in the studio, then going to class. I need to do lesson prep tonight or tomorrow morning. I didn't get anything done in the studio yesterday because I ended up hanging out with dh all morning - pleasant but not productive.

I too find doing laundry to be so cathartic.
Thank you (((hug)))

WAY TO GO! for all you have been doing for yourself at your home!
Wonderful to hear your future plans for Mom's care.
You have done so much all by yourself for so many years, bless you.

Oh GEE, I wonder why Miss kitty doesn't get a new bathroom floor. LOL ;D


It is snowing fast and furious right now.
The raging winds have the snow falling sideways.
It is also bitterly bone chilling cold.
As I watch it's almost white out conditions.
Guess the best way to describe it is "blizzard".

Tillie I am horrified I am so sorry. I know you broke the cycle by being a loving mother to your boy and to us. You have made me feel loved and important.

I decided to do a load of laundry. No one is using the machines and I'll feel better. It's a palate cleanser for me I feel better when I'm doing laundry. I'm washing my towels and my terry cloth bathrobe. I'll put in dryer when my sub arrives. I'm half dressed and I dried my hair. I'm having a bagel with honey and I feel much improved.

I will have loads of laundry tomorrow. I had four outfit changes today. And I'll feel good about doing the laundry!

I unloaded the dishwasher. Now I'm going to take a look at some papers. Also I don't have any scary tax liabilities this year so I can do my taxes early and let the chips fall where they may.

I am glad that mom is freshly showered with clean hair and a clean bed to climb into tonight. I have her towels all ready to be cleaned by her laundress and the ladies can skip changing her bed tmr unless she gets sick again. I've also told mom that in addition to two showers a week, I will pay for the hairdresser downstairs to wash her hair once a week.

I'm excited about my bathroom project. I'm excited about bringing the bathroom into the color schemes for the rest of my house.

I need to replace the floor but not while I have my kitty. She and I know why.

Really hoping you do go and eat that sub! ;D

You need a big time out with a change of scenery.

You did good negotiating. :)
She may try to back out of the agreement but you are not allowed to. (((HUG)))





Really wish there was something good to remember my muther by.
She was the kind of person who relished pounding her fists into the back of an infant/toddler/small child/young girl simply because it made her feel good.
The older I get the more my back hurts and then I think of her.

I went back to her place and finished up her laundry, threw out a few things while she wasn't looking, did a bit of organizing and made her a sandwich for dinner. She refused any and all services so we went through it again, this time I told her my best employees are the delegators. And we sill be delegating some tasks. And she started saying that she'd agree to just someone once a week and eventually I got her to twice a day. I reminded her how much she likes the aides, etc, and I'm calling over tmr.

So I think we are okay for now.

I just showered and washed my hair. BF wants me to join in the super bowl fun. He even offered to get me a sub instead of pizza, wings. I'm too tired. It sounds delicious so I told him if I feel better in a bit that I'll come over.

So some decent progress. CM I too focus on the positive. She is my mother and we've had some good times. But the drama investment has ended and she knows if. Once we have more care for her, I can enjoy her company more.

So bossy (stubborn!).

Bf just called back. It'll be an hour for his pizza and wings so he ordered me a sub, figuring I'll feel better in an hour. I like it.

Hi CriticalMass
(((HUG)))
I am so happy for you that you are able to move on in a positive way. :D

Oh Tatoulia :(
So very, very sorry.
No, You should not be the only one tasked with her care.
Please check out the available services. There must be some that know how to handle "bossy" clients.
Get some brochures of nursing homes and aides and give them to her.
Maybe BF would be able to get her to understand that this help is necessary and will be happening???

(((HUGS)))

I love the thought of the Reno laundromat after hours!!! Very colorful image.

I got there and she was very sick everywhere. I changed her bed, showered her and washed her hair, cleaned the chair and carpeting and I just stopped home to use my bathroom. I'm heading back.

The aides there stopped me and told me that she needs an aide twice a day and that they need me to get her to stop being "bossy," which I thought was a charming way to put it.

I have her sheets and other gross stuff in her washers at her house. I will go check on them. Their washers and particularly the dryers are nasty.

I am looking forward to losing weight because I don't think I can eat again. This was a terrible mess up clean up.

I gave her the choice of a nursing home or services. I don't know her answer yet because she probably doesn't realize that I mean it.

Tatoulia & Tillie,

I have endured "Mama Drama" too; since we had the extended period of her 4-1/2 years in the nursing home to spend getting a perspective, forgiveness has happened so I tend not to say much, I want to do my best just to remember the good and forget the bad.

Anyway, just know that I probably understand more about these things than I have let on.

(((HUG))) Tatoulia

I have always found mindless housework to be a great way to work out many emotions in a positive way.

Looking forward to hearing all about your bathroom re-do! :D

You could start going in on Thursdays and see what happens.
Either way I'm sure there will be no negative consequences.

So very considerate to not use the washers on weekends since you can use them all the other days.
When I lived in Reno whenever I needed to use the laundromat I would go after midnight.
The town was lively and the night people were so much kinder, considerate and more interesting than the day people.


The wind has been raging today, blowing in the next storm.
Will probably blow the storm past me and to the mountains.

You'd be my favorite child, Tillie.

Thank you! I know my mother loves me and is proud of me. And we have had many many wonderful times together. But alas, I am a mere mortal after all

I've scrubbed my kitchen counters! Why? I'm trying to work it out. I will head up there soon and I'm taking no prisoners. She's going to be getting extra help and maybe if it's neater and cleaner, she'll be less embarrassed and resistant.

She let me take one of her Audubon prints yesterday. It's gorgeous but I don't have it hung in the right spot. But it is on the wall.

I've also laid out the plans for my bathroom. I'll get the fabric next month for the shower curtain and from there I will hire the painter. I've been emailing with my artist friend so we can discuss what the design will be. I'll post pics of my fabric soon.

We had bright sun this am but now decidedly overcast. I'm running dishwasher. I haven't washed mom's nighties. Will do tomorrow. I don't like to use washer in Sundays because I have the pleasure of using during the week.

I also think I'll start going to office on Thursdays again. I've been staying home and I'm not sure that's positive. May be more of a negative.

Happy 02022020

Hi Subclinical
Hope you get that warm sunny day :)
Good luck with all your plans.
I'm very happy you have a good mother (((HUG)))


Dear Tatoulia
You are such a treasure.
Wish I had had a daughter like you.

I truly understand how the mental manipulation over all the years has been torment for you.

My muther was insisting that I should care for her in her old age after my father would die at some future time.
She went as far as to purchase a house for me with another entire smaller house on the property where she planned to live.
My father bought mortgage insurance so when he died the house would be free & clear and in my name.
I refused to even go and see that place.
There was no way that I was ever going to place myself back into the same situation I had to grow up in.
Out of her 5 children she hated only me and the abuse was severe.
But she did relish being able to tell everybody what a horrible child I am for refusing her generous offer.
Her hateful spiteful lies finally made me sever all contact with her and my father and the siblings that she loved but knew they would never take care of her.

Tatoulia, you are a wonderful beautiful daughter (((HUG)))

SubC THANK YOU. Yes I'm going to suggest we be more realistic. Thank you so much. That's a very nice way to put it.

I'll be nice and kind and sweet today. Maybe not sweet. But o am going to start clearing the stuff out of her house. I'll channel my energy in a positive way.

SubC thank you so much. I am kind and loving and I focus on the good and not the bad. I'm burned out. When I was studying for my boards, she wasn't allowed to call me because I couldn't take her drama. Just three weeks. That's all. And she had her secretary call me (!) to tell me to call her. Whenever I had an important test or something big going on, she would start up some made believe drama. Back then, no caller ID, no email. She would call and I'd say hello and she'd say, what's the worst thing that could happen. And weird stuff like that. If I had an important exam or interview, she'd call up and say that she had breast cancer. She would raise the stakes.

Thank you for letting me tell you about this. I view my mother as a shy woman who set a selfless example for us. And I will get back there. We have a good time together and I will remember her fondly and with much love. It's just all catching up to me.

She did not do this to the other kids. My sister left home at 16 to pursue a career in abusing drugs and my brother is 10 years younger than me. So just a child. Plus he went to fancy east coast boarding schools.

I'm the only kid with a job, a career, benefits, 401k, etc. and I'm losing my mind. The seizures thing is the last thing I need right now. And she was so happy on the phone. She was thrilled. And I guess I saw my burnout coming because I said don't move I'll be there. And the pages are numbered and she had 6 out of 9.

I shouldn't be yelling at a 90 year old. But I dont know how I'm supposed to keep doing this. I had my evaluation at work on Friday and I showed up after a night of being in a hospital.


In truth, she's my mother and I love her and I try not to say mean things about her. Because of her, I love the arts and other things. And I love her. Just not today.

Happy palindrome!

Tatoulia,

I didn't know that you and your mom had a difficult history. When I read about you taking care of her, I always assume that she is like my mom. My mom is the best mom in the world and my brother and I argue over who has tape on her.

I wouldn't take her to the fabric store though. I would just say "mom, realistically, you are not going to do that. Let's find something to do that makes more sense."

I'm sorry she fell, and about the possible nursing home. At least if she does move to a nursing home, someone else will assist with her bathing. It is ok to find other people to be her caregivers so that you can just be her daughter.

And I would like to say, that reading about all the "bad" things you think you did - I still hope my kids take that good care of me. So please do not hate yourself. Your expectations are much too high.

Today I am going to work in my studio, make progress on school work, and work on cleaning the barn in the afternoon when it is supposed to be sunny and warm. Probably have to do some laundry also. I wanted to sleep in but was fully awake by 6, so I only slept in a little.

Thank you! I had a social worker with me at the hospital on Thursday and it helped. I think I need a social worker.

I also need respite care. Although I suspect that mom won't be in assisted living long. I think they are going to have to move her to nursing home.

I am exhausted. There's more to this obviously but I've reached the end of my rope.

Even BF is really mad about things now and that man is a saint. He's mad because she shows off in front of other people and that's how she had this terrible fall where she has really injured herself. I have never seen him so angry with her. He scolded her very quietly while we waited for the ambulance Thursday but tonight he was walking me home around midnight and he was really angry. He just cannot believe how she does this sort of thing.

He doesn't know the half of it. I take her to fabric stores and pattern stores because she's going to make this thing and that thing but she can't see and she can't move and this and that and the rest of it. She needs to borrow my candy thermometer because she wants to make penuche but she'll never be able to read it and she'll never be able to stir it. Thursday at the hospital she needs to buy fabric and make her own hospital gowns because the fabric is so lousy. All this stuff with no sense of realism.

So I can't do this anymore. There's more to it because she is super shy but she is privately VERY DRAMATIC with me and if she thinks I'm not upset enough she makes a bunch of stuff up. So around 10 PM, while BF and I were out, she said she read in her medical record that she had a seizure. Since I know this didn't happen and I was at the hospital with her the entire night, i said , don't move and keep the medical record with you. Now she can't move so because of her severe pain but of course when I got there, she had 6 of the 9 pages. And those six didn't . mention a seizure. She never has the proof but she read it and it happened and eventually she will spin it into how she heard them mention the seizure to her.

And I felt badly in front of BF saying, she won't have any proof of this. I don't tell anyone or how she's spent a lifetime trying to suck me into drama.

She's been dramatic, behind the scenes, forever. And I'm done with it. I yelled at her and said. Of course the pages that says seizure is missing. Of course it is. And of course none of the doctors or nurses mentioned it to use at the hospital. And I just told her how she's spent her life trying to churn me up and I can't do it anymore. I cannot give her anymore attention than I am and that I don't need her to make up stuff thinking I'll pay more attention to her.

She was shocked. I have never brought this up with her and honestly I shouldn't have now. What's the point? But I'm at the end of my rope.

And meanwhile, she is in absolutely terrible shape. She hurt her pelvis, back, neck and head. And she fell about 3:30 in the afternoon but didn't tell me or anyone til about 7:30 PM.


I'm done with this. I cannot keep doing this. She always ALWAYS finds the worst possible read of anything. You know I could've died. The doctor said I could've died if I'd waited two minutes. So dramatic. All my life she would churn my stomach and make me worry.

I'm sorry. I'm just so tired of her foolishness. I am so tired. We ended on a good note but I'm pretty much disgusted by this BS.
And I've never said anything to anyone about this. But trust me, I've had to discount what she says my whole life. And I'm exhausted.

My sister hasn't even called to see how mom is.

Meanwhile I get to help her shower tmr as she is ripe. The whole apt smells.

And of course I'll end up hating myself for all of this. So this is turning out nice

Awe Sweetie
Big (((HUGS)))

They have support groups for caretakers just for this reason.
We here are all more than happy to be your support group.

We understand how physically, mentally and especially emotionally hard this is.

Letting it all out is good so rant on.

(((HUG)))

Quick check in. I just ranted and raved on a really old thread here about how exhausted I am. My mother had a really bad fall and I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of taking care of a human being. I'm tired. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the chaos of her home I am tired of her thinking she can do things that she cannot. I'm tired. I am tired.

On a more positive note, I see I've been posting here a really long time. Thank you for putting up with me.

When you put it that way
40 is not too much.

:)

Fun Fact...

Tomorrows date will be

02 02 2020

They say this kind of palindrome has not happened in the last 900 years.

40 of some things is a lot, but not of others - 40 meals with fruits AND vegetables, 40 keep/toss decisions, 40 surfaces cleaned, 40 things cleaned up in the studio, 40 sq. feet of garden space cleared, 40 seedlings started, 40 project ideas for classes, 40 pots thrown...

I do more than 40 trips up three flights of stairs every month at work.

Maybe I could lose 40 ounces (2.5 lbs).

Good Evening Everyone

Hi Tatoulia

Hi CriticalMass
LOL :D
WAY TO GO!!!! finally tossing out that doodad!!!
LOL

So wonderful you have started the quilt planning.
What fun that one will be.

Pretty busy schedule this next week.
One day at a time and do not try rushing in the bad weather.


Hi Subclinical
YEA! for a fun experience today! :D
Sounds like the things you acquired are all for your own arts/crafts/hobbies or to use at school.
WTG! for knowing where you will be storing them!

40 of anything in one month is an awful lot.
Better if it were 20 or 29, one for each day.
How about modifying it that way?
Is there anything specific you want to address this month?


Today was so beautiful.
I opened the windows and doors and the cats and I went outside.
Raked some leaves along the side of the driveway.
Scooter jumped the fence but eventually jumped back home.
It got up to 70 degrees!
Laundry dried quickly & is all folded and put away.
Scooter and I took a nap on the couch.
Tomorrow is supposed to be cold with rain and snow.

Oh! We cross posted! Yay for the quilt!!

I had a very good day at my workshop today!

I learned lots of new things and I got a goody bag (three brushes, a tool, and two sponges plus consumables) I possibly made a new friend, and I made a tile and a rubber fish stamp and some plaster molds to keep or maybe use at school.

Some people threw their tiles in the trash after they practiced the different techniques on them. I saved the four near the top of the bin that I could see without rummaging. A little cool water and they will be like new! good to demo on or let my class use. (I also saved a partial bottle of water, poured it out, and put it in the recycling.) My tile is a cute underwater scene with my fish.

I also bought a bunch of things both for me and for my classroom because it was 20% off in-stock items today. For me: six small tools and two large tools and a t-shirt I've been wanting. The next 20% off day will probably be in July.

So, today there was a lot of in. But, I do know exactly where I'm going to put all of my new things.

Do we have a February challenge? I'm thinking about joining a "February 40" on another website, but I can't think of a thing I want to do 40 times, or 40 items, or 40 hours. Suggestions?

CM, did you get a chance to work on your quilt or use any of your new binders?

Just a humorous little thing I wanted to share. I have a small 2-compartment pill box I carry in my pocket. For years, a doodad has resided in it. The doodad is a metal holder peg that you stick in one of the predrilled holes in a particle board bookcase; a team of 4 of them holds each shelf. At some point in the distant past, while moving probably, the doodad went rogue. I found it and put it in the pillbox, thinking I would replace it in its proper home.

I have not owned a particle board bookcase for years. This evening I was putting a couple ibuprofens in the pill box. I saw the doodad. I decided to THROW IT AWAY. And I did. ROTFL, the stuff we keep! :D

We have had our sunny mid-60s day today, and tomorrow is supposed to bring 70s! I'm not a football person much, but I hope the Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl. Several of my friends are big fans.

I also got the bunny litterboxes done which I was dreading and had to just BADGER myself to do or I might procrastinate. And washed out their water bowls. Also observed and assisted my roommate as she cleaned the fish tank.

Yesterday I got out the sketches for the next quilt, and have started making a mockup using GIMP on the computer to do a layout grid, upon which I'll size the bird and flower basket embroidery motifs. The mockup will guide the piecing and construction later on, too.

The coming week is going to be full, with payday Monday, quilting and holy hour (and icky weather) Tuesday, a doctor appt Wednesday, and sitting with my older lady Thursday. Must try to remember, just take it one day at a time.

Happy February!

Good Morning Everybody
February already!!!

Hi Subclinical
Wonderful that you and your boss were able to come up with a perfect solution!!!
YEA! for loving your job and work environment :D


Well, February is starting out very good for me.
General house cleaning is done.
Have the clothesline filled with laundry and today will be gorgeous for drying.
Of course there are always household chores needing to be done but I am not striving for perfect, just "good enough".

Tess is back!

I made it through my week. My house is a bit of a mess, but not too bad. I have to head out early again today because I have a (always wonderful, inspiring and uplifting - I go every year) teacher workshop to fill my day.

Tomorrow I will clean up the house and do some barn cleaning and school focused stuff.

I had a difficult to initiate meeting with my boss yesterday about my class schedule. The way the schedule worked out, there was a slot for the first and seconds that had to be social studies. But she needed the teacher who usually teaches that class (and loves it and is my friend) to teach an advanced class during that time. I otoh, had a hole in my schedule and no students available except the 1/2s. So she wanted me to take my friend's class. Which I did not feel good about. I don't even particularly like the class. (I love the 1/2s)

So I was brave and went to talk with her.

After talking it over for a little while, it was clear that my friend just can't teach that class next year because of timing conflicts. And that my boss was disappointed because I was the only good person available for the 1/2s at that time. But that neither one of us was happy with me teaching a class I don't like. We took a sidebar to talk a little about the classes I had been hoping to teach that also won't fit in the schedule, and suddenly realized that the difference between environmental science and social studies is a focus on the how instead of the why. So I'm going to rewrite a class I do want to teach to shift the focus (change out some activities, adjust some others, Shift the emphasis in the lessons) and do that in the space.

Also, evaluations went out Thursday, and I have gotten two thank you notes from parents.

I truly teach in one of the most amazing places on earth.

Good Evening Everybody

Hi Tess :)
Happy you found us again!!!
Hoping your Fur baby got some good news at the Vet today.
So, did you get some of those things done today?
All that kicking back & watching movies? :D


Hi CriticalMass
Stay safe in that snowy sloppy weather.
Great your friend will be out of the hospital! :D
WTG! for only taking the binders you think you have a use for.
We can't save the planet by hoarding out our homes with "good Stuff" to keep it out of the dumps.
Wishing you a gorgeous weekend full of sunshine and fresh air to help keep the moodiness away. ;)
Embroidery is so satisfying to do and it's something we can pick up whenever we have even a few free minutes.


Well...
did all that house cleaning and a bunch more today too.
Even vacuumed the coils under the fridge.
I hate having to be the cleaning fairy.
But I am enjoying sitting here in a clean house. :)

Welcome back, Tess! Hi Tillie, Tatoulia, SubC!

I didn't realize this many days had passed. We were dealing with the snow and wet slop mid week. Another round predicted for Tuesday, of course the day when I have quilting and Adoration (holy hour). If it gets really bad, dangerous to drive, Father might repose (return to the tabernacle) the Blessed Sacrament and cancel for however long till it's better. Just have to wait and see.

I was also preoccupied wondering how my friend in the hospital was doing. Finally got hold of her last night and it sounded like she was to be discharged back to the assisted living place. So that's a relief!

Yesterday was still chilly and overcast. I went and put gasoline in my van and got my prescriptions, dropped off a library book, went to two thrift stores. Bought a few small fabric pieces at one. And they gave me ring binders they were getting ready to toss because they had too many. I keep a stash of those for my writing and such.

I didn't take all of them. Some were not in good shape. Some were D ring, which I don't like. And I hated to appear greedy. Yet with the ones I didn't want but that were in good shape, it was difficult and sad not to take them. We waste so much in this country. If I won the lottery, I'd start some sort of nonprofit to distribute that sort of thing to needy students.

Alas, for now, I must detach. And by the way, I do plan to re-donate any binders I end up not needing rather than keep them for Justin.

Yesterday my mood was uneven. Cranky in spells. I have trouble getting going on errands a lot of times, then end up procrastinating getting lunch, because I want to keep going. I carry snacks but that's not a substitute for decent meals. Gotta work on that.

Today is a little warmer and with sunshine, and the weekend is predicted to be gorgeous. Wonder what old groundhog will say on Sunday. I'm hoping not to go to any grocery store until the Super Bowl prep is over.

Discovered that the 2nd portfolio I've bought for my big quilt cutting mat is too small. In case you ever need this information, know that a 24x36" quilting mat is really 25x37" and a pain in the patootie to find a carrying case for. Unless one wants to spend around 80 bucks.

Sigh. But despite these trials, I'm looking at moving ahead again on the quilt top I started planning in late 2019-early 2019. I need to make blocks to embroider birds and flowers on.

I found you guys!!! I'm so happy! I got a new phone and couldn't find this group. How is everyone doing?

I'm at the vet with kitty today. He may be having kidney issues. I hope not. He's an old boy, but I want to hang on to my bestie for a couple more years.

When I do get home, today is going to be a lazy day. I plan to kick back and watch a couple movies. If I do get the energy to do more, I'm going to start cleaning the bathroom and collecting clothes to donate. I have way too many clothes. I have some things that were Christmas gifts and not my style. I have to get over the emotional tie to those things and pass them on to people who will/can use them. Have a good day everybody!

Good Morning Everybody

Bright sun shiny morning.
No precipitation predicted, high temps near 50 degrees.

Today my plan is to do general house cleaning.
Clean bathroom.
Go around the house wiping off surfaces, door knobs, light switches, door jams & etc. where he puts his dirty hands.
Wash floors.
Dust TV and furniture.
Move furniture & etc. and vacuum thoroughly.
The house will still look like crap but at least it will be clean. ;p

Good Late afternoon/Early Evening

Had a good day.
Slowly & leisurely got a lot of little this&that done.
Cooked/baked and tidied up the kitchen mess I made doing that.
Brushed Twinkles until he swatted me with claws out.
Sorted out, organized and straightened out a few things/areas.
Thought about what I may do tomorrow.
A bit more of a little this&that.

Good Morning Everybody

Hi CriticalMass ;)

Hi Tatoulia
Hope the lecture series and meeting with a friend were enjoyable.
Bet those fresh sheets were very inviting to crawl into. ;)

Hi Subclinical
Yep, that's what happens when you have a minute to spare.
Something comes up to fill that time space.
Hoping you soon get a routine/schedule for better food, more exercise (swimming) and forcing yourself to get to bed early enough.


I really needed yesterday.
Just doing what I wanted to do and not fretting about anything.
Been way too long since I allowed myself to be selfish and carefree.
Helped me to accept what is, is what it is.
And what will be is what it will be.

Hi Guys :D

Great to hear what all you have been up to!

I am very tired but happy.
Went to town.
The people at the thrift shop are still sickly with some kind of serious coughing thing now.
Everything was half priced there today, I found nothing to buy.
Made it safely to the credit union so now I have some cash.
Have spent the entire afternoon watching two movies that I have been really wanting to see.
"Zombieland, Double Tap" and the entire "IT" movie.
Had two cats snuggling on the couch with me the whole time.
It's after 9pm now and I am so sleepy. :D

Good to hear about everyone's plans. SubC you know I marvel at how much you get done! Tillie I hope you find a treasure or two!

Thank you for the nice words about mom. Back when I used to take care of my brother, especially after he was partially paralyzed, someone once said to me, in my next lifetime I want to come back with you as my sister.

We have lecture series tonight and meeting a friend for dinner first. I don't feel like going but I'm having a cup of coffee and will meet her.

I have to finish putting the sheets on my bed. I don't have too much time so I'll jump on this now.

Good morning all.

Tatoulia, I think you are a very good daughter. I hope someday my kids take as good care of me as you do of your mom!

Good job on owners! Papers are hard!

Tillie, I hope you have a good day in town.

Things are going pretty much fine. I am still struggling with time management. For example - today I have a 45 minute lunch break. I leave home at 8:00, drive, set up my room, and teach for 7 hours minus a 45 minute lunch break. I thought I would review some things for my 3:30 class and/or work on my seed order at lunch.

But, yesterday I ran into a student in the hall who is excited about a project, and I committed to work with her on my lunch break. She isn't in any of my classes this year and I miss her, and I am also excited about the project. And now I have to be fully ready for my class when I leave at 8 and who knows when I will do the seeds.

And I get too tired in the evenings to do anything. I've been forgetting my vitamins about once a week. I forgot them last night. I swam after school, got home around 7, ate, did chores, ran the dishwasher, set up the coffee, read email from parents, read the paper, and went to bed about 9:30.

The only good thing is that at times like last night when I drove by the thrift store and knew I was going home to an empty house so I had time, I still didn't stop because I was too tired.

I just need to keep focusing on good choices - better food, more exercise, going to bed when I am tired instead of wasting time thinking I am going to get a second wind and do something, and all the small moments in the day.

I get a new student today. He replaces one that switched classes at the end of the semester (I lost 5 at the end of the semester. :( ) he's the little brother of a student I really like, so I am looking forward to meeting him.

Good Evening

Hi Tatoulia
WAY TO GO! for all that progress!!! :D
You have been being a good daughter.
You visit her often and help her too.
You are there for her when she needs you, even if she doesn't think she does. (((HUG)))

Lets have cocoa and buttered toast, YUM ;)



Pretty much made up my mind that I will be going into town tomorrow.
Will check out thrift shop, hope they are all better now from their hideous GI upsets.
Will fill one water bottle at the water depot.
Will force myself to enter the credit union and get some cash, for some reason I still have anxiety about that place.
I think it's getting to the location off the deadly highway???
Will grocery shop for some fresh produce.

SubC! You are doing great! Very proud of you! And CM! I like the idea of taking the dog for a walk! Im sorry that your friend was back in the hospital.

Tillie! I am trying so hard to be a good daughter. I did stop by to see mom last night. I was having dinner with a friend and then I walked her to symphony hall so we stopped by mom's. I changed the cat box while I was there.

I got all of my garbage out last night and my recycling too. I have been working in shredding papers and it's going well! Progress! Actual progress.

Today it felt like winter. It has t felt very wintry this year. It was raw and not exactly cold but windy.

On tap for tmr is continued work on papers. That's what I most need to do. I also have to change my sheets. But I'm doing pretty well. I feel I'm doing a good job keeping up and chipping away.

Tillie I wish we could get together for a cocoa or a cup of tea.

I'm going to go into bed now, I think. I'm very tired today and wanted to call in sick and sleep instead. Glad I didn't waste a day off that way.

Good Morning

Hi Subclinical
From what al you have written
seems like you are doing alright there.
Not bringing in more is so very important.
You are involved in your career and also doing your art/craft projects.
You have been able to entertain family and friends and even put them up for over night visits.
You have been tending to your pets and livestock.
More clearing out, decluttering, cleaning and organizing will come in time but for right now
you are doing fine. :D


Doesn't look like we will get any rain or snow here.
Doesn't look like there will be any decluttering or cleaning on the hoard here.
Scooter is enjoying sniffing his fresh clean couch quilt.
Twinkles is constantly complaining about everything, because he's a cat and cats do that.
Other than cat related daily tasks I have no chores to do today, all caught up.
Thinking maybe I might go into town this week???
Didn't grocery shop last week, still have food and other essentials.

Good morning!

Tatoulia, Your evening sounds like fun!

CM, you have so many pets. I think pets are a lot harder than farm animals. I only have two pets - the rabbits. Even Mr. kitty is more of a roommate. we just throw him outside all the time when he is being annoying.

I think I am going to breed the rabbits in June. There are people posting in search of the breed, and I am not sure how old Trilby is. She will be at least two and maybe three. From everything I read, If I wait any longer for a first breeding, it will be less safe.

CM, I know you are probably opposed to breeding rabbits, but these are production animals, not just pets. If I end up with 14 rabbits I will take care of them. (I will kick myself, but I will take care of them - and I will probably neuter them)

Tillie, the biggest help on the garden is just getting a date set aside and nailed down to do it.

I had a good class yesterday. I am being more productive this session. Actually put something on the firing cart and it was only week three! And then one of the potters I look up to said something nice about it. I have two started pieces that I brought home in the back of my car.

Not doing much clearing out these days, but not bringing in either.

Good Afternoon Everyone

Hi Subclinical
Happy you had a good visit with friends. :)
That would be so wonderful to have help getting the garden all set up this year.
WTG! for the work on evaluations!!!

Hi Tatoulia
Sorry but...
WTF!!! :o
What the H is wrong with that assistant???
I just don't understand and all this antisemitism lately too.

Fantastic that you and all your friends had such a wonderful time together and the restaurant staff are all so beautiful. :)

WTG! for taking Mom to sit out in the parking lot!
A change of scenery is always refreshing.

Hi CriticalMass
Hope you and the dog had a chance for a nice walk and some bonding time.
WTG! for sleeping better and staying off caffeine in the evening too.


Did laundry and hung it out this morning.
It's all dry, folded and put away now.
Then I decided to wash the couch quilt even though Scooter objected.
It's out on the line now, by 4pm it should be dry.

Me again

Yesterday was helpful in terms of I did go to the park for a short while; there were families and frisbee golfers so it wasn't creepy.

Then I went to the library, was on Facebook, and my friend from out of state messaged me that our other friend who was in the hospital most of the spring of 2019, was back in. She'd gone for something about her dialysis port then had breathing and heart issues.

But she is doing better; that's a relief. I pray she bounces back without further incident. I'll call her in a little while.

Also while I was on Messenger about all that, the Facebook feed showed the breaking news about Kobe Bryant's helicopter crash, which was sad. So I had a bunch of adrenaline pumping through me when I left the library.

I had texted the church prayer line about my friend, though, and I went and bought a get well card and wrote in it and mailed in it, so after that I felt calmer, and came on home for the evening.

Last night I slept in my bedroom. Kitty came for awhile but didn't stay the night. I am close to finishing a book trilogy but got sleepy before the ending. I'm sure the heroine and the main villainess are heading toward the climactic final confrontation, but I'll have to read that part today.

Sleeping was better - I am cutting way back on caffeine after the crazy nights I've been having. I did have some sweets but oh well. I let myself sleep in a bit this morning, or doze as I got more wakeful but wasn't quite ready to get up.

So the day started later than I would like, yet has been okay. Wondering about doing some laundry. Today is pleasant and sunny but another winter slop spell is still predicted for tomorrow. :P But then by next weekend they're predicting 67 degrees! No objections from me on that!

What I decide to do with the afternoon will need to be something I can do while having a long phone conversation with my friend. Before that I'm actually thinking of taking my roommate's dog for a brief stroll up and down the street (if I stay within the block I don't have anxiety).

That dog and I have had such a strange relationship and I feel guilty that I went from really liking him when he first was adopted, to really being annoyed with him, to a sort of grey area. He's really a good natured dog; it's just that I'm more of a cat/bunny person and his teenage behavior issues coincided with my scary surgery and sickness a few years back.

My roommate herself was pretty frustrated early on because his breed is different from what she was used to and she was sick and it was a nasty cold winter but in order to keep the dog from being a complete maniac with all his energy, she was having to get out morning and evening in the frigid weather and walk him a long distance to even hope he would be worn out enough to be calm at home.

He has actually become pretty chill after 3+ years, which surprised us. So I think I'll walk him out in the sun and think about what I want to do with the afternoon when I return.

I'm glad I feel more normal and rested than I did last week. I did read through posts so now I know how things have been going for the rest of you.

Ps I just want to clarify that I quietly asked the waiter if we should move into the bar and he gave me the death stare. We are frequent guests at this restaurant and we chose it precisely because we knew they'd take care of us. In fact, when I was going back and forth about how mNy people, they told me just to grind my appetite and not to worry about the numbers. So it was great.

SubC I agree with you 100%. I do agree with you. I can't reconcile that with my belief in the jury system, and I won't try to. I work with a lot of inner city kids and it is true that I consistently catch a break. And it's wrong. And I know it.

And your example is perfect and true. No argument here.

(this is irrelevant but I'm not using the placard until we have a new one).

At work last week I asked the assistant to set up a meeting with all of the managers in a particular department for me. She came back with a series of questions regarding whether she should include a black manager. The only black manager in that department. I was incensed.

I have a lot to do today. I had a busy weekend with BF's family in from out of town which meant late nights. One night we stayed at least an hour past the time the restaurant closed, with more and more people showing up to join us. We had a blast, ordered every dessert on the menu at one point. The restaurant was very good and never said a word about how late it was or the fact that we kept ordering more things. Someone even showed up after it was closed and they got him a chair and brought him a drink. A very good weekend with everyone here. I'm full and stuffed. We also went to church on Sunday, which was good.

I have errands to run today in addition to meeting a friend for dinner and doing errands with BF Tonight.

CM I don't find that you are blathering at all!! I feel that I am the blatherer in the family!

Okay I'm off to take care of a few things and will report back later.
Tillie I did take mom for groceries and as I suspected, she did t want to go in. It wasn't too cold so I could leave her in the car for a bit.

Lots to do. Let's see me do it!

Good morning.

Critical Mass, please keep "dropping in and blathering" I like to hear what is going on with you and worry when people are missing.

I am struggling in this grey darkness along with you. I hope you can get outside.

Remember that you do have people. You have us, and your roomate and the bunny club and your church.

If you got your room in order, could you have your bunnies in it at night?

That grey cat picture wants to be a meme.

Tatoulia, I hope you will forgive me, but I'm going to use your expired parking tag as an illustration to try to help you understand how I feel about the system. What is right and good is that your mother should be able to go to the grocery store. But the law is that that tag has to be current. So maybe Boston is still Mayberry and you are white and middle class and your car is nice and the cop would see your mom and ignore the expired tag or give you a warning. And that cop would be not following the system. And if you got a ticket, well, you could pay it.

I live near a different city. The car is a beater, mom is out of food, it is too cold, gas to leave the motor running is expensive, and the tag hasn't been renewed because someone would have to get time off work. Good chance the driver is black or brown. Cop looks the car over closely, ticket goes on, can't be paid, and things spiral into suspended licenses and arrest for driving without one. And that is exactly how the system is made to work. Each step following the law.

And so I do not confuse the law with justice.

Justice might have been approximated in mental health court, but apparently someone wiser than god didn't think the case belonged there.

We had a good time with our friends yesterday. The house still looks pretty good, although there are lots of dirty dishes.

I got to introduce them to my bunnies yesterday too. I didn't realize they had never met Trilby, and a Winter was a hit.

He is also a gardener, and he made a plan to help me with my garden this year. He understands that my biggest challenge is making time and getting started, so we made a date. On March 1st, he is going to come over and help me clean out my greenhouse. He will bring his seedlings to put in it, and if I have seedlings started I will put mine there too. If I do not, I will start my seeds that day. His wife is coming too and she and dh are going to hang out and cook for us.

So now, I need to do my seed order!

I have three more evaluations to do this morning and eight to upload before I can go to my class.

I am feeling stronger today.

Not My Circus
Not My Monkeys

LOL CriticalMass :D

Love that big gray kitty and the bunnies look so huggable too. ;)

Hi CriticalMass
Yeah, I get it.
The fear of having an anxiety attack is as paralyzing as having a panic attack.
The only way I know to work on this is to keep pushing the boundaries, little by little.
I did this just this past week by going into the two drug stores.
"New" places and people are always so anxiety creating.
But I did it and nothing bad happened to me and at Walgreen's when I bought some powder (that was not corn starch) the checker was very nice. :D
So glad I forced myself to push my boundaries.

About trying to make those keep/donate/toss decisions on things that have been boxed up and out of sight.
It's just so hard.
When My dear friend died, I boxed up her house and put it all into storage.
I was homeless for about 9 months, finally moved into a tiny place and brought all the storage stuff into my new home.
Since I had never lived with these things I did not know what I wanted or could use myself.
So little by little I unpacked the stuff, removed items I didn't want and put to use the things I had a use for.
But there was stuff I was undecided on so I packed it back up.
Every time I went through the boxes I was able to make good decisions on the items.
Keep/donate/toss.
So I went from <30> boxes down to <20> then <10> etc. and so on over a couple of years.

I honestly believe we need to LIVE with that storage stuff for a while before we know what we want to do with it.


Got a little rain sprinkles today.
Really want lots of snow.
Up hill from here they have gotten so much snow that people have died in avalanches this Winter.
The drought is not ever going away... :(

It's weird, Tillie - I can relate to you AND to Steven. LOL! His traumatic brain injury, my friend's strokes, and my ADHD are similar in their manifestations.

And I too am frustrated in having to wait until someone else is away before I can really start my day, even though it is a lot less of a wait than you have, and she is making so much of a sacrifice. I feel so guilty for being the recipient of her generosity, without which I would be in some homeless shelter or who knows what - and yet I have the nerve to feel sorry for myself and, yes, even complain (been working on that but sometimes I let something slip).

However. I do feel better now that this day has gotten underway. The sun is out as promised, and soon I'm going to go somewhere, the library again but before that I may go to this one woodsy park near downtown. It was a magical place in my childhood that my dad would take me to - with a fairy house (water pump house about 2-3 feet tall to Muggles) and forest and pond and the river nearby.

The trick now is, of course, I don't have my dad with me, so I will have to gauge whether it feels safe or creepy. It can be either or both. On a sunny Sunday there will probably be families and I won't go far from my vehicle or may just sit in it and read a book. It'd be nice to walk just a bit.

I remember years ago my ex boyfriend and I would go walking on Sunday afternoons in another park nearby. But it was often sad because I wanted to feel more of a connection with him and he was a distant, lone wolf type of guy (speculation between me and my friends range from he was actually gay or on the autism spectrum or something...). It is nice now to create other, happier memories. Which is possible if I can avoid creepy people and drama.

I miss walking through neighborhoods that are safe but that I get agoraphobia in nonetheless, if I get too far from home. That came over me nearly 20 years ago and put paid to the long walks I used to take. Maybe I need to come up with a strategy now to reclaim it. It is a weird thing - not really connected with fear of crime so much as just not trusting myself to be able to ride through the anxiety till it passes.

Well anyway. I'll give that some thought. I put a few new things up on IG, the bunnies together and some quotes I made with an app. My roommate, bless her, had had a difficult time sleeping last night too and we swapped war stories earlier.

She also said some things about the dolls that were positive, that I could use them to connect creatively people, which is true. I think I needed to hear that - I must relax about the whole thing, instead of making it an internal battle - keep, get rid of, resist, clutch, rinse and repeat. Probably after I get that other clutter cleared I can lay the dolls out and evaluate which ones truly "spark joy" or whatever.

Anyway, it feels good to feel better. Our weather picture is still mixed. Tuesday is the worst, and of course that's the day I have quilting and holy hour. Hope streets aren't nasty.

That blasted groundhog better come through with a promise of Spring on the 2nd or I'll get Badger to nip him!

Good Morning Everyone

Hi CriticalMass
I too wake up so early and start to worry about all the things I consciously refuse to worry about in the daytime.
So often staring into that deep dark scary abyss.
My future is so bleak.
((((HUGS))))