Yesterday I bought my students donuts for their last (Wednesday) day of classes (with me, this year)

Some of the donuts came in plastic clam shells. I did not bring the clamshells home to wash and haul downtown to the recycling drop. I threw them in the trash. I feel bad about this, but also I am really tired and overwhelmed right now, and I am proud of myself for actually being able to do it and not fishing them back out before the end of the day.

That is very reassuring news about the baby. I'm glad for you and your daughter.

Tatoulia, I love my kids and I love my school. I wish every single kid in the world could have a place like it.

I'm glad you had a nice dinner.

I'm having a very happy day.

Dd had her next ultrasound and the mass has grown very little. They expect her to go full term. She will have ultrasounds every week and ob appointments every other week, and at week 32 she will have an MRI. After the MRI they will meet with the baby's surgical team to make a plan. I am feeling much better.

Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere.

I LOVE hearing about the school! So much fun and so creative! Hard not to chuckle and be proud! Those are some caring kids to do it up like that! And it takes teamwork! Congratulations on helping to raise some remarkable children, SubC!

Sending prayers to all who need them.

Garbage out, recycling out, everyone has clean litter boxes. I am not making the progress I'd hoped on my weight loss but hoping to see some good results soon.

Mammogram is Friday afternoon. I've had to reschedule due to illness back in March. I'll go to the Museum of Fine Arts on my way home.

Had dinner with a delightful friend tonight. I had a gift card so I asked her to join me. We had a good number of laughs!

Good morning.

Bean spent the night last night, but is still sleeping because it's very early. Dd has an ultrasound this afternoon.

I am about halfway through checking the projects. There are a lot with no legible name, which is stressful because I will have to check them during class on Wednesday if they are claimed. (So little time). I have been putting them straight onto their evaluations, which gives me a head start on those. I'm actually hoping to have the evaluations for two classes done Wednesday night. Two more on Thursday, two Friday, and the last two over the weekend. We'll see how that goes... Thursday and Friday May be a stretch.

I didn't really tell you much about the pranks - there was a giant inflatable unicorn on the front lawn, a "for sale" banner with a phone number that apparently plays music on the front of the school. Gift wrapped stairwells, a room of balloon animals, the departing math teacher's room was done up over the top in chicken theme, including Mylar balloon chickens in every seat. The director's office door was moved to the girls mezzanine bathroom (at graduation, when summarizing their accomplishments, she added that they had "given new meaning to her open door policy". ) they put up photoshopped "wanted" posters of the history teacher and taped "chalk" outlines on his floor - apparently his class is killing some of them.

Many little chickens, space aliens, and google eyed puppets hidden in the halls for the little kids. Also QR codes to funny videos.

Alanna, getting to a point where I did not have to hide things (usually) from Dh was a big step in getting better. It involved a LOT of talking, and a lot of patience and honesty and crying. I have a lot of surfaces that are bad still, but my approach has changed. I never collect everything and stash it anymore. Now I actually unload problem areas onto surfaces - because when I can really see the problem, I am more likely to try to fix it and less likely to make it worse. My drawers and cupboards are generally no worse than average to disorganized "normal" people now. My bins are labelled. Even if I know Dh will think the label translates to "stuff we can throw out" (ie "old t-shirts for quilt", "paper gift bags", "tiny gift boxes and empty containers") so now they don't get churned and when I have such a thing that I want to keep, I have a place to put it and can quickly see how many I already have (do I really need this one? Is the bin full?) and I can find them when I do want them.

Ok I went to the pharmacy, stopped by the grocery and got milk, and stopped at BF's former business to pick up my packages. Now I'm doing a load of light colored delicates.

Want to empty the dishwasher soon.

SubC, I was trying to remember what they did last year! Yes the snowmen! Nice that you've been able to reconnect with that student!

Alanna, that is a lot of papers to grade! Great job!

I've done some grocery shopping today but the cat food and cat litter are so heavy. I haven't ordered from chewy since I'm not clear when I'll be home. But at least I can clean everyone's boxes tonight.

I need to run out for milk and so I might go now. I'm running the dishwasher early (Alanna, I find it very soothing to run the dishwasher at night and I run it every night; I don't wait for it to be full)

I've washed a blanket and my sheets are in the dryer right now. Might be a good time to dip out.

Hi Lila, hi CM

Well, despite trying to turn over a new leaf, I have slept late this morning. I was just so tired. I must focus on the grading today.

Alanna, how long have you been teaching?

They did prank my room - just snowmen (again) they hid 20 one inch plastic fellows around my room. I've found 17, but there is a chance that the other three wandered off in the pocket of a student, since tiny creatures infest the school regularly and are fair game. The snowman thing is an ongoing bit between me and the students. Supposedly I hate snowmen. It comes from a series of projects a long time ago.

Hey Ladies :)

Sorry for the delayed post - I had to finish marking 134 tests. Still got 4 proposals and 35 assignments to mark, so I'm totally with you with the overwhelm SubC! (Also with the laundry and dishes.)

Tatoulia, I'm glad you've managed to get rid of things that have bad feelings and memories associated with them. That's very freeing. Glad that your busy week went well and that you got to visit with a number of special people. :) Spending time with special people is always uplifting. Glad you're keeping up with things despite being busy! Ah, thank you, I wish I could send my laundry to you for help. <3 I also do towels and sheets separately, especially since the towels leave fluffs on the clothes if I don't.

SubC - the hiding things because you don't want to fight sounds so familiar, I do that too! It's just frustrating because I'd like to spend time cleaning up but with all the marking I don't have time and the stress of all the work makes the hoarding and OCD checking worse (does that happen to anyone else, stress making hoarding and OCD tendencies worse?). Glad you managed to clear a few things with DD! The planting sounds fun - I didn't know popcorn was a separate type of corn (guess I always thought it came from sweet corn- silly me) that's really cool! Senior lock-in sounds fun, what happened with the pranks? Was your classroom chosen? :-D Graduation - I can understand the tears, it's a bittersweet event. But lovely that you still keep in contact with your past students and that you reconnected with your favourite student from last year. Good luck with all the work, I'm in that boat too. <3

Lila - I'm sorry to hear you had a rough week, sending thoughts to you. <3 Shame, is your friend that got hurt better? Sorry that you're still struggling with Teen. I really hope you can find a program that's closer to you that can help. I hope you managed to relax in between the work, to at least recharge your batteries a bit. Thanks for the idea on apprenticing - unfortunately there's not that many people in the industry in my country (my Prof., who's retired now, was the best person), but maybe I can find someone to help with some guidance on the overarching principles (getting from early career academic to more established researcher - even if it's not directly in my field, knowing the path to get there would be helpful, as none of the things I've tried have produced fruit unfortunately). Finding natural solutions to a weed problem sounds really interesting! I'm very pro natural solutions, as far as possible. Haha, that could be another problem of mine, finding too many things interesting. ;)

Hey CM, hope you're doing well.

Sending love to everyone and hoping everyone has a great day.

Ok, trying to be quick - I am overwhelmed.

Tatoulia, thank you for the update!

Lila, we are planting rainbow popcorn (like tiny "Indian" corn). This is our first time, but last year we bought some yellow popcorn on the cob, buttered it, and popped the whole cob in a paper again the microwave - very fun!

Today was graduation, with the usual tears. Several students from previous years attended, and it was good to see them. One person came up to me with their phone, because they had apparently been texting with my favorite student from last year, and he said "are you at graduation? Tell (Subclinical) I lost the stupid card with her e-mail!" So I took the phone and texted it, and we are in contact again. :)

I have so much grading to do. And evaluations. And laundry, and planting, and weeding! One side of the scullery sink is empty. Carry on!

Hi everyone!

I didn't end up going to the steampunk fair because one of BF's nieces is moving to NYC and that was the only afternoon I could see her. I brought pastries from the new patisserie in my block and we enjoyed our coffee and pastries. Her move is a very big deal for a lot of reasons.

Busy week. Thursday night was an annual dinner for an organization I used to volunteer for. I was appointed to their board for a five year term. Every year there's a dinner and all last and present board members are invited. The year I was honored,BF joined me and on the way home he said, what a nice group of people. And they truly are.

Today I took the train out to see a friend and her mother; many many years ago we went to Europe together. They were already there and I hopped over for two weeks of their vacation. They are moving to FL so I needed to see them before they left. Train was 1-1/2 hours each way. Totally worth it.

Tmr I have a free day and I am very happy about that. Not sure what I'll do. Monday, I am having dinner with a friend and Tuesday lunch with a different friend. Much more eating out than I like but it will be fine.

Keeping up,with things here. I would gladly do anyone's laundry for them! But the key is, I need to have a place to put it once I'm done! Otherwise it's a mess. I also do small loads. I think the things get cleaner. And I don't mix towels with sheets or other stuff like that. But if you can drop it off here, Alanna, and give me a week, I'll do it with great zeal.

Okay going to wash my face and go to bed!

Good morning.

Alanna, thank you for your helpful tips. That program does look like something we would want. I like your idea of contacting them to see if they know of any west coast or even midUSA options, plus will ask the cost. Teen gets disability now so she does have a bit of funds. I also wish we were neighbors! I would happily do your laundry in trade for yard work! Funny how we all have our preferences. Perhaps when I move, I could find a friend or neighbor to do just such a thing with!
oh, no mentors, that is hard. Maybe you can call or email one of the local places that works in a field you like, and ask to apprentice someone for free on the weekend, just for an hour or two. When I was researching, we were trying to find a natural solution to an invasive weed problem in our wilderness, and I worked under the weed control for the county. I enjoyed it a lot. I hope you find a topic you really are interested in!

Tatoulia, that is profound about little things and the happiness/peace/memories in your home. I need to look at my things with those eyes. I have a few things I have had for ages but they make me sad when I handle them or consider them. Just because I've had them for decades doesn''t mean they have to stay.

SubC, how cool about the room decorations. That sounds like a fun tradition. Also, I have never heard of or thought about planting popcorn. What kind do you plant? How does it turn out? What is your preferred popping method? That sounds like a fun project with my grandkids someday. Hope to have a little garden area at my next house. Praying for your family.

I had a rough week, extremely stressful mostly Teen, but also a lot of important work projects. I finished one big gathering I was in charge of and it went off well but someone got hurt, so that was terrible. (Nothing I did caused it, but still, a friend). Then finished the final session of a class I help lead most of the year. We take a break for summer, so that is done. I have 3 more big things to finish the planning for that I have been working on plus 2 upcoming trips. Today my hurt eye is really bothering me so I needed to get in as an urgent visit, which means I have to reschedule my mammogram, which is short notice and they won't be happy.

I have so much to do but really want to relax. Will try to intersperse the two. Today is my day off but there is stuff that can't wait for work... maybe an hour's worth of work. Plus the house is quite dirty now which doesn't happen often but no one has mopped in weeks and the counters need scrubbed.

I hope we all have a good day.

Had fun with my friend. It rained, I didn't plant corn. Today was full of school.

Tomorrow I am going in to school early even though I don't teach, because tonight is the senior lock in. The seniors spend the night at school (chaperoned) and create pranks for the student body/school in general and chosen teachers. Very few teachers get pranked every year and it was years before I made the list. I left my door open (the rule is if a teacher leaves the door closed you have to leave the room alone) so we'll see if I get selected or not. There's usually something small (if only a drawing on the board or calling card with a handful of candy or baubles) for anyone who shows they are willing to participate, but some rooms are elaborately planned and executed.

The best ones were always reserved for a beloved English teacher who left at the end of last year. I will miss that and am curious to see what will happen this year. One of tonight's chaperones is an older sister who was once involved in turning the English classroom into a beach party - complete with tarp, sand, kiddy pool, inflatable palm trees, beach chairs, music, and non alcoholic drinks in a frozen drink maker.

Last year the big school-wide ones were filling the stairwells with balloons and rubber ducks everywhere. I think every little kid went home with a rubber duck and several balloons.

Clearly I did not proof read yesterday's post.

Clumping litter. Without a liner.

I have a ton of student work to check. We did not finish planting the popcorn and I need to do that because it needs to all go in at the same time for pollination.

It's supposed to rain most of the day and my friend is coming to visit from the other side of the state.

I am tired and sore and I haven't been taking my vitamins.

Two more weeks of school.

Good morning.

Alanna, thank you for sharing you information. I'm sorry your Dh makes threats about your stuff. Unfortunately that's really counterproductive in hoarding because feeling like the hoard is threatened makes it harder to be objective and learn to let go. My Dh was frustrated with me for years and we fought about the hoard a lot. And I would hide stuff from him because I didn't want to fight. He still finds it hard to trust me when it comes to stuff.

We started with areas that were "his" where I was not allowed to put things.

Lila, I use lumping litter with Oliver and periodically empty the box completely and hose it out. But Mr. Kittyprefersoutside to the box.

Yesterday dd2 and I extended the mulch around my grape vines and put up some of my portable fence around them so the deer will stop eating them. We also replanted the strawberry planter, and fenced that, and planted the rhubarb my son brought me in the garden. Then we cleaned up and went to the class musical at my school. Dd enjoyed seeing a few of her old teachers, and the musical was really good.

Switched over the kiln afterwards, and picked up Bean.

Today we are planting popcorn with Bean and I don't know what else. I have to take him home a little early because he has a soccer game, and then take her straight to the airport.

We looked in some of DD's bins yesterday and she let go of a couple of things and picked a couple that will fit in her suitcase when she flies home.

Sending love to everyone. Thank you all for your kind words. I need to run now to grab my Zip car I'll finish reading soon.

Praying for your family, SubC.

I'm not through all of the posts yet but CM's yearbook reminded me that I shredded my high school yearbooks a few years back and I was so surprised to see how happy I looked. I remember high school as terrible and being depressed, etc. I am still glad I shredded them. There was nothing to gain by keeping things that are bad memories.

As I clean out, I recognize what has a bad feeling attached to it and how I can't have those things. This is a small one, but we were at a funeral once where there was a comfort dog and the dog needed a bath. The guy at the funeral home gave me a little embroidered sticker of the dog and I put him on my fridge. Then I realized that every time I saw it, I thought about how stinky the dog was. So I threw it out. Even something small like that was ruining the peacefulness of my home.

Okay back to reading. Happy Mother's Day! Heading up to the cemetery soon to visit my two non-parent parents.

Hey Lila

Don't feel worthless, you're doing a great job even though you're facing challenges. <3 You got more done yesterday than my two loads of laundry and doing dishes, so don't be discouraged.

I'm so sorry you're struggling with Teen. I had a look online to see if I could help and this program popped up: https://www.vistalifeinnovations.org/programs-services/discover?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxoTgnLGIhgMV4mdBAh16OAu3EAAYAiAAEgJF-_D_BwE. It looks something like what you're looking for, although it might be a bit far from you. If it is what you had in mind maybe you could phone them and ask if they know of something closer to you? I wish I could help more but being so far away, I can't really recommend anything. Just sending thoughts across the ocean!

If I lived closer I'd totally swap chores with you - I'd happily mow the lawn and weed and pick up dog poop if someone could do my mountain of laundry. ;) Ah, which reminds me, regarding the kitty litter box - we had a cat growing up and my mom found that crystal kitty litter (looks like crystal silica) worked really well for the odour; so she would line the litter box with a plastic bin liner (litter box liner does the same job I'm guessing) and then each morning she'd pick the poops out with some tissue and flush them down the loo, and since the crystals bonded to the pee and removed the odour this greatly increased the time between litter box changes. Maybe that'd help you too?

So glad I'm not alone in this whole research field being lots of work! :) I totally get you when you say the perfectionism can be paralysing at times, I'm the same. I do like writing but I find that when I'm stressed out I can't focus to write, as I get distracted by other things that need to be done. As regards topics - I've got some data from my post grad studies that needs to be written up. Other than that I have a few small ideas that could maybe be a paper each or so. But no big topic. It kinda feels like the university wants me to have a bit overarching project that solves some big problem and can be broken down into many smaller topics, but I don't really have that. Do I need that to be a researcher? And if so, how do I get that? You know, I've been working at the university for 5 years now and you're the first person to ask me about my topic, which got me thinking, thank you. <3 It's a very much sink or swim kind of environment and there's little to no guidance/mentorship for younger academics, and I think I'm struggling a bit with that too because I'm not entirely sure what to do.

Hope you've had a better day today.

Hey SubC, hey Tatoulia, hey CM. Hope you've all had a wonderful weekend too. <3

oh I forgot, I did also wash out both litter boxes, and then refilled one with a liner. At least that is done.

third post today, the Lila show... for accountability.

I feel worthless, but I did a few things.
- put clothes in the dryer, and folded them
- put more clothes in the washer
- washed off the kitchen table
- put a ham and potatoes in the crock pot
- made green bean casserole (the canned ingredient kind)
- picked up maybe 1/4 of the dog poo in the yard

I also talked to TotsDad and helped a bit as he fixed my broken sprinkler, fended off a potential meltdown from Teen, watched too much tv and ate snacks.

Feels like I did nothing, so listing it out helps.

I need help with Teen and don't know what to do.

post 2 today -

feeling quite frozen about doing anything. The kids have all left for a few hours and it is quiet so I can do whatever I want. I am posting here in an effort to get myself to do something, anything.

I did just, with great mental effort, carry my laundry downstairs and put it in the washer.

There are many things I need to do but don't want to, or feel I "can't", do any of them. I don't know why this is.

I am making dinner tonight so should clean off the table and counters in preparation.

I can/could sort totes and get rooms organized but have NO desire to.

I also need to:
wash out the old litterbox that has been sitting in the yard all week, and put it away
empty the new litter box that is ready to empty... the cat dug around and ripped the liner, ugh. How can I have a little box without having to wash it every week??
go out and do some yardwork, like weeds. I don't think I can mow.
anddd, clean up alllll the dog poop in the side yard which is fenced for the dogs. omg there is a lot and I have to do it.

ugh help, I don't want to adult today.

hi Alanna! So nice to learn some more about you. I was in a research science field before my current job, so I know how much work that is. Do you like to write? Liking to write was my one saving grace, because I too was rather perfectionist wanting to do a great job. There is nothing wrong with that but it sure can be paralyzing at times. I hope you can get done what they want you to do. Do you have a topic for your research yet?

SubC, wow, it is stressful to wonder about things like that cyst and not know how it will turn out. I'm so glad the prognosis is overall good, and you are near to good doctors with experience. I will be praying for your unborn little grandson to be healed. And for peace for you and the family.

Everything with Teen saps the little energy and motivation I have and I feel like I take days to recover. This needs to change somehow. I am looking online to see if there is some kind of summer camp away or some kind of send-away residential short program that helps autistic young adults learn coping skills and social skills. There is a lot for children, but not much for an 18 year old. She is smart, depressed, has meltdowns, but I think if I could find something promising, she might agree to go... for like a few weeks or months to get help. She got disability so has some money now to cover something like that. I hope I can find something. If any of you hear or know of anything please share. We are in WA but would travel.

I am relaxing today. I took Tot out for breakfast and a smoothie and to drop off a plate at a friend's. Now am home chilling, trying to decide how I could get the lawn mowed and weeds pulled. DS1 lives far away, DS2 works 2 jobs and is in school, DS3 has the 3 kids and is spending time with them today, DS4 is on a fishing trip. And of course Teen is not going to do it, even though I offered to pay her. It is more than I can handle, so hoping I can find someone to do it for pay.

Hey All :)

Lila - I'm mid-30s and a lecturer at a university. No kids yet, but we're hoping to start a family soon. Lovely that you have wonderful children and grandchildren. I'm sorry to hear about Teen's struggles though, I hope she can find some help and support soon! <3 (text heart)

SubC - I'm sorry sorry to hear about Bean's little brother's cyst. Will pray that either the cyst will disappear or that everything will be OK until he can have the surgery. That's quite scary! I'm glad you had a good Senior's night though, it sounds like you're one of those special teachers who cares and touches children's lives, they'll always remember that. :)

CM - glad you survived the bunny shelter. I hope that in between all the craziness you got to cuddle the bunnies for some stress relief. Hope that things are a bit calmer for you now.

Tatoulia - hope you had a good few days at work this week, it sounded busy. How was the steampunk thing this weekend? I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles looking after your brother, that's really difficult. <3 (text heart) It sounds like you're in a better space now though?

I'm glad everyone survived the hectic weather (SubC and CM)! We don't have tornadoes or hurricanes or even earthquakes really here, so hearing about it from you guys is a bit scary.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and sad today. I've got backlogs of marking, washing, and tidying to get through. Dh (not a hoarder) is getting frustrated with the mess and is threatening to have people in to remove what he deems as rubbish when I'm not here, which makes me feel incredibly anxious (although I do understand that living with a hoarder when you're not one is probably stressful). I also had a bad performance review at work this week because I'm not doing research and publishing (which the university expects in addition to teaching) - this is partly my fault because I like to do a good job with everything, so I put a lot of effort into my teaching and assessments, and then don't get to research (I'm also slow at everything) but it's also partly the university's fault because my department is very understaffed and is losing people faster than they can be replaced, so everyone is overworked. Anyway, it's all just added up to make me feel like a failure in all my spheres of life, which makes me sad. I'll get over it though. Just got to keep moving.

Hope everyone is having a better weekend than me. :)

P.S. Lila - so glad it went smoothly with the removal of ex's things! And lovely that you have so much more space! (I think I'm as bad a hoarder as your ex - I also save broken things and would probably move boxes of rubbish across the country. :( )

Good morning!

Lila, I'm looking forward to hearing about how you use the space when you are ready.

My family has been processing.

Bean is going to get a little brother.

The baby has a 1 in 25,000 cystic lung issue. The most likely outcome is that he will be delivered by C-section to minimize stress on his heart and require surgery sometime between birth and two months. The good news on that is that we live near an amazing children's hospital that has done the surgery over 400 times in the last 20 years with a 100% success rate.

A much lass likely possibility is that the cyst(s) (he currently has one) will grow too fast and Dd will develop maternal mirroring syndrome and he will have to be delivered before 26 weeks to save her life. If he makes it to 26 weeks (June 15) we can apparently stop worrying about that. She has another ultrasound May 20, a list of symptoms to watch for, and they will be monitoring her blood pressure.

A far less likely possibility is that the cyst will clear on it's own.

Ironically, now that there is actually something wrong and Dd has something real to worry about and plan for, the OCD has eased up.

Today I drive into the township where I work for free mulch. Dd2 is flying in for the weekend (through Monday) and dd1 and Bean are picking her up at the airport at lunch time.

Here I am on my day off.

SubC, the space created is all in the garage and a little in the storage room. It is a lot of space... room to sort, and, room to move some of the totes and things that are in the little bedroom upstairs! There is a lot in there I need to get access to but can't, so it will be great if TotsDad can carry some of the totes from in there to the empty shelving in the garage. I should be able to sort and find a lot of things for the grandkids.

Teen's meltdowns are often around her cycle. I took her to the Dr yesterday to try and find a solution but Teen is resistant. She does need some kind of autism support/services, but around here that is mainly for small kids. Once they are adults, there is no real help. I did find a therapist I am trying to get her into. Some of it is mental illness too. Some of it is trauma from past hurts by peers. The "Person" is a mental health case manager who I have, this week, found to be completely useless.

I would eat all the cheese, too, if I made it. I love cheese. I am glad you are okay from the tornado! How scary.

Tatoulia, oh I feel for you as well, what heartbreak it is. I am thankful for your sharing. It feels so crushing, at one point when she used to scream, 'let me die, let me die,' before Tot was born, I too started making a plan in my head for both she and I to exit this world together. I felt I couldn't bear it anymore. That was years ago, and thankfully, I feel like God himself reached out of heaven and helped me and sent people to support me. I no longer think like that, but you know the heart ripping feeling. I see my baby in her. I long for her to be well. The screaming and everything is so painful - last night was a nightmare. I am sorry you have suffered this way too, and I am thankful you are there for me.

Hi Alanna! How's it going this weekend?

CM, so good to hear from you. The whole weather thing sounds frightening! I don't live near tornado areas, just earthquakes and volcanos. I am glad you are safe.

Today so far I:
- partially loaded the dishwasher
- put my sheets in the wash
- took out trash and put the cans by the road
- made an egg with leeks and toast and watched a short Bible Project video
- stared at stuff and felt overwhelmed
- felt sorry for myself because of Teen
- made coffee dates with two friends - one today and one next week.

Good morning.

CM, I'm glad you survived the bunny house.

Why are you keeping yearbooks that remind you of a time in your life that you were miserable?

I ran my errand yesterday - went to the "offsite craft storage store" and bought brushes and letter stamps for my classroom. Actually, probably bought brushes for me - the kids are very hard on brushes and most of them don't have the technical skill to take advantage of really good ones - I do have a small box in my desk that I hand out to students when I think they need them - so I will probably take these brushes out to my studio and swap them for some that are showing more wear and take those to school. I paid for everything and won't turn the expense in. It was only $2.16. I also picked up a 1/2" binder from the free box, because I can't remember why now, but I know several times this year I have been in search of a narrow binder. And I got a set of plastic measuring spoons (one has a chewed handle) so I stop using the food ones for crafts.

Senior night was really good. I didn't speak this year. Speaking in front of adults terrifies me. I was sitting there enjoying all the funny stories about the graduates, and all the kind words they said about each other and about our school and teachers in general, and then one of mine got up. He's been in our school for 11 years, and he called two teachers out by name. Two. And he said amazingly kind things about me. It was a rollercoaster in my brain - flattering "wow, thank you!" Humbling "I'm not sure I live up to this." Embarrassing "did you really have to say it in front of everybody?" Comforting "he does know how much I care." More embarrassing "That was a lot - tonight is supposed to be about you guys." Amusing "My end of the year evaluation should go well next week." (The whole administration was in the room.)

So, today I have things to get ready for school tomorrow and I pick Bean up and take him to preschool so his parents can go together to find out if he's getting a little brother or a little sister.

Update on my backsliding in the tally thread.

Ladies, I have had a long post brewing for several days and I just can hardly find a spare moment to sit down and do it. Right now I really should be working on the bunny newsletter but I'm going to be naughty. This will be a huge infodump and I'll have to come back later, read y'all's posts, etc.

So Thursday I went to the rabbit shelter house to help out. Immediately it was crazy and I had no time to even put my stuff in order or get my bearings because we had to take a rabbit to its new home and then hit the ground running with caring for the shelter ones when we returned. It was stressful. The lady is a retired teacher, she knows about learning disabilities and she tries her best to accommodate mine, catches herself when she starts rattling off more than one thing to do at a time etc. But there were times I was frustrated and snapped at her. I hated that.

Still, we managed most of the time, sometimes even getting a fairly decent rhythm down. Friday was my payday and a church event in the afternoon so I had to go out to do banking, bill paying, and the church thing, then return.

Early Saturday morning, 2:00 a.m.-ish, I was wakened by a giant loud rumbling of thunder, and discovered the roof leaks - I knew they had been needing repairs but I guess I thought they'd had a tarp put over it for the time being. Nope. So I had to rescue my stuff and carry a bunch of it downstairs, then go back and wonder whether to try and sleep. Eventually the rain passed so I got a little sleep. In the kerfuffle, though, I'd forgotten to put up a gate, there was a bunny under the bed, I was trying to wake up and just get coherent, and the lady was understandably trying to deal with the bunny. I again was not my best self under that stress. The day was mixed, so much to do, and a lot to think about. By the time I left I was having trouble driving - and I'd been doing better the day before - my roommate had to talk me home over the phone to distract my mind from panic and remind me to trust in God.

I got most of my stuff in and muddled my way to bed fairly early, was able to make it to church Sunday morning though tired, had a nap in the afternoon. Then Monday we had our big weather alert day with all sorts of places in town dismissing their students/employees early, dire warnings, etc. - only to have the storm system move off east of town and be a big fat nothing burger for our area. Which was fine; I dreaded the thought of tornadoes or big hail. But that killed most of the usefulness of the day, that prepping and waiting to see if anything would happen. Oh well. I'm still thankful nothing did.

Yesterday was much more productive. Went to quilting, then did the shopping I normally would've on payday. Then came home and ate, and went to my storage unit. On Saturday, I had learned that the school board had voted to close some elementary and middle schools at the end of this year. My old junior high was among them. They are going to have an alumni day on the 18th, so I am wanting to find my yearbooks to take to that. They are presumably in the storage unit somewhere. This is very much a "God has a sense of humor" moment, as I was miserable throughout much of my time at that school (it got better towards the end of 9th grade though) but I have also needed to do more at the storage and been dragging my heels. So this got me over there and doing stuff. It is a blessing.

Haven't found the yearbooks yet but hopefully will soon. Getting ideas for organization, shifting some things around, pulled out some larger tubs and texted my cousin whether she wants them as I'm going to go to smaller and smaller for what I do eventually discern I will keep. Bigger tubs tend to fill up and become too heavy and cumbersome. And some of these are opaque, and I am so done with opaque tubs/boxes that I can't see into. I had gotten rid of some already and pretty soon all of them will be gone. Finding a few things to get rid of also, and after I find the yearbooks that will be more the focus. It is now May; church sale is in June. Nuff said.

I've been doing better on my driving - that frog and relaxation music CD is so amazing! And I think just the spring season is lifting me out of some sort of doldrums. I would've thought winter blues end in March or so, but perhaps mine hung on a little longer this year and that was what was contributing to anxiety. Just glad if I'm feeling more like the best me.

Well, I better get to the bunny newsletter now. If I've forgotten anything I can post it next time. And reply to yours once I've had a chance to read them!

Good morning.

I am tired.

I had a great evening with Bean, but got to bed at ten after getting up at 4 (i did start the dishwasher. - and shower.) Then the tornado sirens started going off. Bean didn't even wake up either when I carried him down to the basement or when I carried him back to bed, and he slept just fine on the rug-over concrete floor in between. I otoh am old and did not sleep well and am sore. And very tired.

Today will be another long day because it is senior night at school, which starts at 7 pm. I have one errand to run and will otherwise just stay in my classroom and work on year end clean up and assessments.

The tornado hit about 9 miles from my house and I woke up to a message from heartdaughter asking me to confirm that we are ok. It looks like it just hit an area that is river, parkland, fields, and a large quarry - power is out in that area and two roads are closed, but people seem to be fine. The drive to work this morning will be extra long due to flooding and probably downed trees.

Aw shucks Tatoulia.

Is this a bad time to tell you I disassembled the water table frame from my classroom and brought it home? I did put the plastic tub part in the dumpster instead of bringing it home to wash and recycle - it cracked through. Mostly because I had Bean and it wouldn't fit in the car though. I feel kind of bad about it.

Other than that I did really well today. I graded all but one project (it doesn't have to be done until Friday) stopped at the bank, took the recycling, took care of the water table, packed up some other stuff from my room to clean/sort/ decide about about over the summer, wrote my plans for tomorrow on the board, laid everything out ready on my desk, brought Bean home, played and fed him dinner, we did chores, played more, bath, books and bed. I'm now trying to find the energy to start the dishwasher.

I put some stuff in the trash can in my room, and except for a broken plastic fork, right now I can't even remember what it was.

WOW! SubC do you see how far your thinking has come? You used to justify getting things by thinking you were rescuing them! Now you are thinking through! Amazing! You are amazing!

Hi Alanna!

Jump right in! Maybe read the post right before you first - :)

Tatoulia, steampunk is fun! Really cool art and design. People put so much effort into small details. You have to just let yourself slip into the fantasy and play - it's good for your brain.

I woke up ant 4 and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been reading. Well, mostly I've been looking at met gala costumes.

Today I pick Bean up after preschool and he spends the night. Yesterday we played with math toys and made bread. We got a little too much flour on the island and Bean spent a couple of hours "clearing snow" with his matchbox construction set.
I used the time to sit near him and sort through a bunch of old school papers. Most of it gets filed for use again in the future, but I did manage to pull a little for recycling.

After I returned him I stopped at goodwill. I am looking for shoes (red Mary Jane's, black business casual) , men's oversized flannel shirts for school smocks (mine are all frayed at the cuffs and hems), a desktop sized paper sorter (not stacking trays), and a lampshade for the lamp I'm making (also possibly a lamp to scavenge for parts because that will be cheaper and more environmentally friendly than buying them new.) I did not find any of those. I did let myself browse the whole store.

I contemplated buying a desktop toy for my son I thought he would like, but told myself he doesn't need it and he has a baby now, so why add marbles to his life? I contemplated a mail sorter to help me organize my scraps of paper visual filing system, but told myself the envelope slots were too small and I have things I could repurpose to try the system before I buy anything (I always love new systems, they rarely stick), I thought about buying Bean a toy pack and play for his bitty baby, but then told myself it was not the same as the one they will use for his sibling, and bitty baby has a bed at Bean's house and a bed here already, his parents certainly don't want to haul that around. I thought about buying an inspirational book and then I remembered I just returned an inspirational book unread 13 days overdue to the library. I decided 99% of the clothes that have been made in the last 20 years are rubbish, and I bought nothing.

My inner squirrel is on a diet.

I have a lot of student work I need to check again today. And I need to go buy chicken feed.

Alanna! Glad you are here and I'm glad you were able to get away for the weekend! By the way, we don't hold anyone to reading posts! We are just glad you are here! So don't ever feel that you need to be caught up to post here!

Lila, I took care of my mentally ill brother for decades. I felt so responsible for him. I couldn't be happy while worrying about him. He was volatile and violent and sad and pathetic and I could see my "baby" inside of him. He is much younger than me, and I always loved him so much. It is not the same as having a child, but I do remember the hopelessness and just wanting it to stop. There were no real times of peace. He'd either be threatening me or he'd be despondent and crying. I would pray to God to let me change places with him. I also planned my suicide as though that would help. All of this is to say I am so very sorry. My chest gets tight and I feel like I will cry. I am here for you, which I know is just words but I'm here.

SubC, I love the vision of dear Useless with a full belly!

I had a good walk home from work, then I changed out the cat boxes and now I'm doing a load of delicates. Just trying to keep things moving here.

I am in office M, T, W this week and then home Th, F. CM! One of my co-workers invited me to a steampunk thing this weekend. It doesn't interest me but I thought it would be a good chance to be outside and do something different. And who knows?

Hey All :)

Been away for the weekend, so catching up on posts. Hope everyone is well. @>- ->- -

Tatoulia, that is good news about the little house.

Lila, I read your list on the tally - you must have so much empty space now! What a relief! Is it all in the garage, or is some of it in the house? I am overjoyed that the dump pile is gone.

What is the role of teen's "Person"? Is she social services? If teen is just autistic, she is having meltdowns far too often and needs changes in her life and more coping skills. If there is something else, that needs to be diagnosed (if it hasn't been) and handled separately. Too often everything gets blamed on the autism.

I'm glad you got some time to play with your grands.

Yesterday I moved the old "portable" fence that is too heavy for me to a new part of the woods and put Useless back to work clearing brush. (He was so stuffed last night he looked round) I also helped Dh with this and that and cleaned up some old structure in the veggie garden and made cheese - which was one of my big projects. I also ate way too much because I spent the afternoon in the kitchen. So this morning my body aches and my weight is up.

Bean day today and it is supposed to rain. Maybe I will accomplish something inside while Bean plays.

Very nice, Tatoulia. The little house sounds lovely, and just small enough.

I played games with Tot, and then Acorn woke up from her nap, and she "played" too. We had a nice time.

I realized today that I am in a bad state emotionally. My stress level is very high, I cry a lot, I am sad. Mostly around Teen and the hopelessness. I have begged for help, tried every mental health resource. I don't know if there is anything left to try. It is making me sick.

So, I don't know how to fix this, but it feels like I am spiraling. I went to a counselor but she was not helpful. Just kept expressing shock and "wow" and" you have done everything that I would suggest" (re: Teen) and eventually there was nothing left to say.

Those are great plans, Lila!

I ended up not renting a car today. There is a lot of traffic with college graduations and it seemed like more trouble than it's worth. So I walked to grocery store and got cat litter.

I have a to do list that I'm getting through, and that feels good.

I heard from my friend from whom I'm buying the little house overseas and her situation has changed meaning she's no longer moving to the US but I can still buy the her little house next to her main house. So that takes some of the financial pressure off of me and gives me more time to get the $$ together without going into debt. She was at the houses this weekend to de-winterize them and get them cleaned up for the spring, summer, and fall.

I may or may not have mentioned the little house. It holds one or two people comfortably and no more, which is exactly what I want. No guests essentially. It's adorable.

So that's my situation today. I just showered and I feel so cool and so clean.

You are both so supportive, I am thankful for you. Really, it means a lot. I have no siblings, no living parents, I sort of poured my whole self into my kids. SubC, I am so sorry about the struggles of your girls. All of it is hard... I think we feel their pain in a literal way. I remember long ago someone telling me, when you have a child, your heart is walking around outside your body for the rest of your life. I thought, oh how sweet - that means when they skin their knee you hurt for them and when their friend is mean to them you are hurt too. Which is true, but I had no idea it extended into adulthood. The aching for my kids is worse than any ache I ever felt for anything that ever happened to me.

I got out of bed and went to church this morning. I needed it. The sermon spoke to me. The worship songs were beautiful. There was one that choked me up so I could not even sing, but just stood there letting the words wash over me, with tears running down my face. It felt quite healing and like God was saying He loves me. Thankfully the church has dimmed lights during singing so I could be doing that and not be noticed much. I feel better now.

It is all quiet and I am enjoying it as I know it won't be this way for long.

Yes, SubC, they took the dump pile! They tried several times to leave it or part of it. But I kept insisting. At one point they told me to leave it on the curb. I said, "we don't do that here." Because we get fined if it is large. or charged a fee for trash pickup if it is small. No way anyone would take those nasty, mouse pooped mattresses, bent bed rails, and broken desk in 10 bent and rusted pieces. So it is all gone, and I am so relieved.

I have nothing left in me to sort or clean, so I am going to rest until it is time to do other things, and play a game with Tot when she gets home.

Lila, I am sure you are mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. I am so grateful his stuff is gone. Not for you to deal with anymore. Let go of the wondering and the cost and the wastefulness of it all. It's your time to realize you are no longer in the same boat. This was meant to be encouraging and supportive and I hope it came out that way. Give yourself exactly another hour to think of the wastefulness and futility of it all and then make peace because you've gained new space.

My heart breaks for you and teen.

SubC, I am sorry for your daughters' struggles. I have been sad and depressed a lot, going back to at least my teens. My mother certainly put up with a lot when I was a teen and beyond. I don't know if I told any of you this, but once I reached my mid 30s, I started taking my mother on vacations each year , which I dubbed My Apology Tour. I remember a rainy night in London and we'd stopped for a bite after a play, and I told her I was sorry about everything and she grabbed my hand and said, I have no idea what you are talking about. But we both knew.

I am going to try to rent a Zipcar for a few hours and get plants for my window boxes. Also need some "heavy stuff" like cat litter.

Good morning!

Lila, of all the things we have to let go, broken dreams are one of the hardest.

Did they take the dump pile?

My heart goes out to you with teen. I am in the "god could you give my daughter some grace" boat with you - they don't live with me, but the youngest is struggling with her job and we are afraid she will get fired (again), the oldest is dealing with severe mental health issues and has been prescribed drugs she won't take (until after the baby comes) and support therapy she can't afford (Dh is going to offer to help pay for that) and they both call constantly and I need to be available for Bean at the drop of a hat. Heartdaughter is dealing with some significant physical health issues, and she NEVER calls - which also worries me. She did finally answer the phone on Friday, but the update was nothing has changed, which is at least nothing is worse.

Sometimes I remember that when I was a teenager and babysat a lot, I told my mom I was going to have nothing but boys because boys are easy and girls are too hard. Then I not only had two girls, I went out and deliberately collected an extra one! The boy is still easy.

Tatoulia, I'm glad things are going well.

I don't know what today will hold. Dh is going over to help dsil with some painting in the afternoon because Dd can't be home while he is doing it (this is part of the mental health issues) and I have about three major projects that are top priority.

But first- yoga. My body is sore.

hi SubC and Tatoulia.

Ex showed up 45 minutes before the moving truck, so I got to stand out there on the concrete watching him start sorting, and throwing stuff on the dump pile. I said, "it is okay to throw things there, as long as they take it all with them and stop by the dump. I don't have space in my trash cans." He just kept throwing stuff there. So I was stressed.

I watched him opening his stuff, waited for the truck, pulled some weeds while I waited and watched. Finally they came and it took about 2 hours to load all his stuff.

Hoarding note/story:
When we got together, he moved from halfway across the country. With him, he brought a moving van full of stuff. Some of those boxes I sorted last year and threw out things like receipts from 1972 for milk and bread, burned out light bulbs, shirts and underwear with big holes in them, junk mail etc. He PAID to haul that stuff out here. He also mailed probably 500 pounds of boxes by mail. In the corner of the garage were those boxes of stuff he mailed out here, a lot of it books, in boxes still taped shut. No one ever, in 20 years, opened any of those boxes. I find this astonishing. He loaded them all up and took them away from that spot where they sat untouched for 20 years. Wow. Thinking about that, and how I had not seen the floor of the garage there since before Teen existed, was profound.

Anyway. ALL the stuff is gone, all of it. All his cabinets, old dressers, clothes, blankets, junk mail, files from the 70s, toothpastes from ten years ago, cables and wires, broken stuff.
The empty journal I bought him when our baby was 3, so he could write her letters and memories. Blank.
Several old VCRs, dirty, cracked.
Boxes of seeds he bought with our little girl, pretty flowers to grow... left ungrown.
Games and puzzles in boxes, still sealed, never played.

The whole thing is sad, and feels like a death, and yet feels like the start of a new chapter for me. Hard to say goodbye to someone I dearly loved and adored and thought I would be with forever. All that crap leaving feels like a funeral. I am mourning the piles of junk, but that is just a symbol of the love I thought I had. In reality, it is a huge relief, and I feel that.

I am sad because Teen had another 2+ hour meltdown and I had to take her and drive to a quiet place and sit in the car listening to her scream and shriek and cry and say she hates me. I am drained, everything seems like Ecclesiastes to me today. Meaningless! Vanity! All of life is just a vapor. I'll get over it. If I didn't have my faith, I could not bear this.

On Monday I'll try again to find a therapist who will see an adult with autism and medicaid.

Hi everyone! You got a lot done today, SubC!

Lila, I am thinking of you! I hope the day went as smoothly as possible. I know it is a time of great stress for you.

I have been keeping a to do list and crossing things off. That has felt good but I do need to beef up the items on the list.

Tried to do a little work today and my computer wouldn't log me into the office system. I'm stressed about that. But I checked my calendar and I need to be in on Monday so I may ‘front load' my week and go in M, T, W.

I still have a lot to do at home but I am keeping it very neat. I take care of things when I should and I don't wait til later. That has helped me mentally and is starting to become second. Ature.

I am tired and going to do the dishes and then go shower.

I'll talk to everyone later. I was feeling stressed over the computer issue but knowing I have to go in on Monday due to appointments etc should help me to let it go.

Hi Lila, I've been checking back to see if you had an update. I hope everything went well.

I never accomplish everything I want to do, but it was a productive day.

Dh helped me clear some stumps out of the garden with the tractor and I planted the rest of the potatoes, I planted more carrots, beets, and lettuce, plus about half the onion starts, and moved some irises. I replanted the rest of the irises I had already dug up. I got some laundry done, and I got the clay out of the mixer and onto the drying board and refilled the mixer. (Progress in turning dried out clay stored in hundreds of buckets into usable clay and then actual work.)

Dh also fixed my car. And he found the little desk, and he likes it!

Good morning SubC. All my best days begin with couch and coffee, even if only for a short time. I hope you accomplish everything you want to today!

No one has arrived yet. Nephew said they would come in about half an hour. I never got an email back from ex. So I will just be out there supervising. Praying it is smooth with no arguments or upset feelings. I would like closure of some sort with him. This is the last formal bit of our separation. I am not divorcing him for religious reasons. He can file anytime he wishes.

It has been a nice, chill, overcast morning, just what I needed. Three hours of shuffling around, making toast and coffee, reading, working on my planner for May, doing some online shopping (for Teen and the cat, not me).

I loaded the dishwasher and it is running.
I put my clothes in the wash.

I have some returns to drop off (impulse clothes I bought and don't need) and a new litter box to pick up at a store. And taking youngest son for his driver's test.

I have a grocery order arriving shortly. I will sort the fridge a bit when it arrives. I got mostly healthy stuff.

I think what I would really like is control over my life. Or at least my environment. The clutter is just a symbol of the lack of control of my environment. I hope when I move into my next house, that will change. For now, I will keep trying to stay clear of people spewing toxicity and things that make me feel like I need to escape or hide.

Lila, I don't know if you are a star wars fan, but "May the 4th be with you" today. I know it is going to be hard, but it will be so much better!

I'm sorry about the meltdowns.

I have so many things to do today and this weekend. And how am I starting? Sleeping in and chilling on the couch with coffee.

Tatoulia and Alanna, we miss you!

SubC, the tools are mostly in a storage room with an outside door, which he has a key to. I plan to ask him for all his keys tomorrow. The tools were bought during our marriage with joint funds and I was granted all of that in the separation, so I will tell him no on anything I don't want him taking. But it also means I have to be here the whole time and supervise the move, which will probably take 2 hours or so. I hope it goes fast and easy... it is stressing me out.

I walked the dog today which was nice. But I spent a good 4 hours dealing with Teen having meltdowns. I typed 3 different paragraphs about that but deleted them all.

Tomorrow I will try to get some weeding done.

Hi CM, sorry you are feeling swept up in the storm. I hope you will get to enjoy the bunnies.

Lila, is "out there" a shed? Or the garage? If it's a shed, can you just put a padlock on it?

As far as the expensive tool tha5 is yours, you just say "no."

It is yours, you do not want to give it away -"no." That is not rude or unreasonable or anything. If he is trying to take things that belong to you, that is unreasonable. And also rude, and also theft.

So, the little desk was still there today before school. And also after school. You know where this is going- it's in my barn. It's been a long week and it's harder to resist when I am tired. Also because I am still regretting those curtains.

I dropped off some books, I brought home another book and some toy animals - two steps forward, one step back...

Prayers, CM! I hope you will feel more at peace and settled and you have a good day. SubC, it probably is a good plan to sell the goat... a little breathing room is always good. Where is Tatoulia?

I am feeling unsettled about the whole thing with ex. He did show up and brought food to eat with Teen, which was nice, although I hope at some point to have him stop being in my house. Maybe next trip I will see if they can go somewhere else to eat, but, with Teen's anxiety, that may be unlikley.

Ex said something as he was leaving about how he is not going to sort but he is going to give some tools to his friend. He was exiting and I was so surprized I said nothing, although he mentioned a large expensive tool we got during the marriage. I know legally he has no right to just take my stuff, anything. But what to say? So today I did send him an email mentioning that of course he can take any tools he had before we met, but anything else, please tell me what you have in mind as I need my tools and want my sons to have anything I have, because they actually work on things. We will see what he says in response. But I am stressed.

I really should, and will, go into the storage areas and do what I planned - put away anything I don't want taken. It is just a pain, and a lot of work, and I don't want to. But, I will.

So far today I:
- unloaded and loaded the dishwasher
- took Youngest Son on an errand and to work
- found the long trimmers and trimmed a lot of hanging branches on my front yard trees that were hanging onto my car
- put branches and pulled weeds into recycle bin and put it on the curb
- cleaned one corner of my driveway. I have a neighbor who throws trash into the adjoining corner and it looks terrible but is too big for me to do anything with. So I just sort of pushed it all back over the property line, picked up small things, and swept up dead leaves there so my area looks better.

I also logged my calories. Now I am sort of relaxing, trying to chill before going out there to look at the boxes and tools and stuff, ughhhh.

At bunny shelter. This will have to be quick.

Arrived yesterday during a time of extra things happening. Hence did not get to bring my stuff in and get oriented properly. Confusion ensued. Sometimes I was catching the rhythm based on past experience, other times was teetering on the edge of a meltdown.

Hard enough to establish and maintain my own routines in a familiar environment. These ladies, this is their familiar environment and routines.

Prayers appreciated! I hope I'll settle in better after awhile.

Good morning.

Lila, I hope you can get some rest, and that the thyroid adjustment and fitbit help you. I will be glad for you when ex's stuff is gone.

All the baby goats are doing well. Jane is not growing exactly as I hoped. She's a healthy, sturdy little goat, just cosmetically not quite the direction I want to go. I may put her up for sale after all. My original plan was to sell all the babies this year because I have enough to deal with on this farm already and it was probably a wise plan. Also, I need to bring more new genetics in rather than staying with mostly what I have. we'll see. I'm trying to not get too attached.

The art show was good. The kids did some amazing stuff, I'm just always stressed about getting everything set up well and not having anything broken. Also, the gym is horribly loud. And unairconditioned, so it got very hot with so many people. Bean and I were overstimulated, which meant that he wanted to be picked up - which meant that we were both hotter. And he weighs 42 pounds.

Yesterday I got half a garden bed and a row of potatoes planted. I also cleaned out one of the goats stalls. Then it got hot and I was tired and I wasted the rest of my day watching videos. I wish I had planted more because it rained last night and is supposed to continue off and on until sometime next week.

May is always a lot with end of school year stuff and yard and garden demands.

Today should be a calmer day at school, but there is still a lot of year end wrap up to do. Three and a half more weeks!