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Hi everyone. I could really use some positive thoughts in the coming few days. I have a big move in about two weeks, and before then I have to go home to visit a sick family member. So I'm now down to having only two days to get everything clean so that my landlord can come in and do some repairs while I'm gone and my housemates can show the room so that someone else will rent it.
As far as hoarding goes, my room isn't the worst, but it's the worst that I've let my living environment ever become. This spring I lost a lot of my motivation, and with health and family problems, it became easier and easier to push all of my feelings to the side and deal only with what absolutely had to be taken care of. That meant that ignoring the state of my room became a way of life. I haven't washed clothes in over a month now, and haven't taken garbage out since then either. I had my mom and my best friend come and visit me at that point, and since they both stayed with me, I was forced to clean up enough so that it just looked like I was being messy. However, I procrastinated then, too, and a lot of the garbage just got shoved into my closet, which is now about three feet high and a mixture of garbage, clothes, and other junk.
I've hired a junk removal company to come tomorrow morning and take away many bags of garbage (making loads to the dump here is expensive and my car is pretty small, so it seems more economical), but now I just have to get moving. I managed to make a few bags last Friday, but stopped after that. I have massive guilt about this and am completely ashamed. I have never really had friends over to my house; my room faces the balcony, and since my landlord never did buy the right sizes of curtain rods for the windows, I live in total fear that someone will go out there and look into my room.
I was supposed to leave to visit my family last Saturday, but at that point I procrastinated with cleaning until Friday morning. I looked around at the mess, and completely broke down. I called my mom, who saw me do this in my last apartment and helped me clean it up. This last time that she visited I refused to let her touch anything, because once she starts cleaning she won't stop until it's perfect and we would not have had time for anything fun. It was her vacation, so I was not about to let that happen, although now I too regret not asking her for help ages ago.
I don't know exactly what has triggered this behavior in me, but I know that it has to end now. I am only 24 years old, and moving to begin grad school in September. I am tired of living with the constant fear that someone will find out that I'm a hoarder, checking my phone non-stop to make sure that I don't get called or get an email evicting me.
I have a friend coming over this afternoon. She volunteered to help me pack, and I didn't want to turn down help, but my room is in no state for anyone to see it. My goal, for before she comes over, is just to get the actual bedroom and my bathroom clear and tidied up. I will stack garbage bags outside so that they're out of the way, then begin the laundry that I need to get done that's on the floor of my room. I want to have dishes soaking so that I can wash them and chat with her while she's here. Then tonight I need to conquer my closet.
Any words of advice and/or encouragement are more than welcome! I am scared to be honest about my problem with people that I know and consider friends, because I am so worried about being judged and because I feel so guilty. But I really do need support right now!
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