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Hoarding Help Message Boards : Motivation Needed? : My daughter
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My daughter

Posted: 13 May 2017 - 06:24 AM
Well, I blew that already.

She didn't want to start with shoes. She wanted to start with the boxes on her closet shelves. The first box was a box she saved because it was pretty that contained two other filled boxes. She was able to recycle the pretty box. So far so good.

She found her old, dead computer that she was saving not because she wanted it, but because dh thinks he can put a new hard drive in it. That is now on dh desk and not a problem. Eventually he will either fix it or give it to me to take to electronics recycling.

Then she found a box of small jumbled toys. I was sitting in the kitchen with my foot up because it hurt and dh was sitting at the table with me. She brought the box in and began churning and commenting - starting with how she guessed she didn't need any of this, but then dh said "good, throw it away" triggering us both. So she started talking about why she liked different things in the box, and he said "well, just take the whole box to goodwill." I was trying to help her make decisions and think through items,and he was making comments that made me feel judged. And things like she would find something that was broken and it would make her sad and he would say to throw it away.

I suggested she take the box to her room and dump it out and just put back the things she didn't want and bring it to me, and she said "no. You have to help me." I said "well, we can't do this with dad around." She scooped the two broken things she had pulled out to part with back into the box, the box went back in the closet, and we were done.
Posted: 11 May 2017 - 09:50 AM
My younger daughter just moved home with us for the next 4 months. I now have a daily reminder of why I have to kick this.

She is only 20, but I have known almost since I realized I was a hoarder that she is one too. No one in my family has had the chromosome 14 test, but I would be shocked if we didn't have a genetic component.

My great grandfather was a poor farmer from a well off father who just had way too many kids. When he and his wife died my family cleaned the house out and it took days. There was everything from spoiled food stockpiled in the cellar to piles of brand new things in boxes that my successful grandfather had showered on his parents who then "saved them for good". Every book either of them had ever owned...

Dumpster and moving trucks followed by a two day farm auction.

Just realized this could get really long, and you all know the score. my grandfather was an enabler to both his hoarding parents and his hoarding wife, my mom has a milder case, but her brother is full blown wife threatening to leave, daughter having panic attacks when she thinks about the estate. My brother struggles, and of course there is me. My generation was raised by a large, extended group of family that equated stuff with love. My older daughter was the first child in her generation and they all literally filled her room with toys. The pile of stuffed animals was bigger than the double canopy bed at one point.

But she can get rid of stuff. My "little" one can't.

When she left for school in the fall, her stuff barely fit in her car. I pointed out that she could not get more stuff and took photos to remind her. She left her closet here 60% full. After Christmas break, she left her closet completely full. And when she came home, she had to ask a friend to transport a huge bin of shoes and a stuffed contractor trash bag full of clothes.

Yesterday I told her she needs to step out of thrift stores, and of course she agreed.

Today she left for work grumpy because her room is a mess and she can barely move in there for all the bags of clothes. I told her I understand and I will do anything I can to help her.

I'm thinking about suggesting we attack shoes this weekend. They are one of her weaknesses.

I still have too any because I bought a bunch really cheaply at goodwill and because a long time ago the style I usually wore went on a huge sale and I bought 6 pairs in three colors. Then my life changed and I stopped wearing that style very often. I've managed to stop buying shoes just because they are cute or a great deal, but I still haven't managed to purge all the "back up" shoes that I already have.

My brain can't get past "but, eventually some of these shoes will wear out, and I will need new shoes, and I will have to buy them if I don't keep these!"

But I love my daughter. And what is stronger is if giving up the shoes will help her, the shoes have to go.
Hoarding Help Message Boards : Motivation Needed? : My daughter

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