hi Susan. I have not experienced this with a parent, but I had a husband who was in his 70s and a determined hoarder. At one point he had his own bedroom/den which he filled to the ceiling with stuff. Same scenario. Here are some things I did to maintain order and sanity.

1) I made a boundary: your stuff cannot intrude on the other living spaces. Anything you leave in the living room (piles, boxes, packages) is permission for me to donate that stuff. I only had to do this a few times until he got the point and kept his stuff in his room.

2) I made a rule that I could check his room for pests (mice, ants, any bugs) and if I found them I would clean it when he is not home and throw out anything touched by pests. I did this twice.

3) I told him that if he fell or was hurt by his hoard, I would transport him to the hospital (or call an ambulance) and then would declutter and donate enough to make clear paths, while he was gone.

I also have had a room renter, who I had to tell, "Here are the rules (I put them in writing). To live with me you must follow these rules. If you cannot, I will have to evict you." It is hard to do with a relative, but you can't stay a victim all stressed out. That is no way to live.

In the end I could not live with the hoarding husband and he moved out and took his entire hoard with him.

I wish you luck.

Hi Susan,

I do not have experience with a situation like that, but what do you mean by "elderly"? Is your mom shopping online? Does she have her own transportation? I would look for ways to redirect her into more social activities and limit her access to shopping first. If she has a pattern of recent poor financial decisions and compromised judgement, you may be able to get a doctor to help you gain oversight of her finances.

Hello everyone,

I'm seeking advice and support regarding a challenging situation with my elderly mother, who recently moved in with my husband and me. Before she moved in, we agreed on some household rules to ensure a clean and safe living environment. This included avoiding clutter, properly storing food, and limiting excessive shopping or stockpiling.

The reason we set these boundaries is rooted in my childhood. My mother has struggled with hoarding for years, which began after she was unable to work due to an accident. Growing up in a home filled with excessive items, unsanitary conditions, and financial strain was deeply traumatizing for me. It shaped my need for a clean, clutter-free living space as an adult.

Unfortunately, despite our initial agreement, my mother has reverted to old behaviors. She stockpiles snacks, clothing, and unnecessary items in her room, leaving bags on the floor—a dangerous hazard for her as a fall risk. Recently, I discovered she had overdrawn her bank account, spending nearly $1,000 on items she doesn't need. Packages are arriving daily, creating stress for me and tension in my marriage.

I've tried addressing this calmly, explaining how this affects my mental health and reminding her of the safety risks. I even involved a counselor, but they dismissed the issue as generational habits. Cleaning her space only resulted in her obsessively searching for removed items.

I'm at a loss for how to proceed. Her behaviors are overwhelming me to the point where I avoid her and withdraw to my room, which isn't healthy for anyone.

If anyone has experience or suggestions on managing a hoarding situation with an elderly parent—especially one resistant to change—I'd greatly appreciate your insights. How can I maintain a safe, clean home while supporting her without sacrificing my mental health or family harmony?

Thank you in advance for your advice and understanding.