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Hoarding Help Message Boards : The Daily Chat : need advice
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need advice

Posted: 11 June 2013 - 03:20 PM
"Stepping out of squalor" "take one step at a time" is for hoarders and messies ONLY.
People who are not a hoarder or messy should not post there. But reading there is very motivational and encouraging.
I am tolerated there because I seldon post and NEVER give out any advice.

Cory's message board here, "HOARDING CLEANUP" is the only online site that is for everybody.
Hoarders, messies, people who know a hoarder, children of hoarders, people who want to work with hoarders and neat & tidy people who live in a squalorous hoard with a hoarder.

Cory's message board here is so very important to me.
It gives me encouragement when I want to give up.
Seeing you all work so hard to declutter gives me hope that some day maybe my hoarder will get on board too.
Posted: 11 June 2013 - 02:09 PM
Lynn, one thing we've learned is that a hoarder won't change until he or she is ready to take at least a first step toward more healthy living. It must be so very frustrating for those who love a hoarder. I'm lucky insofar as no one lives anywhere near me (relative wise) so they've never known the depth of my problem. And now I'm on my way OUT of the problem and two of them helped me financially for paying for almost all the professional help, which in turn helps me to pay for things like new, working appliances.

But it was YEARS before I reached out. YEARS.

For boardees, have you ever been to the Squalor Survivors website? It is now an inactive site but it was the pictures and story by Kimmy that inspired me to realize that I was living in squalor. I never ID'd myself as a hoarder until my professional cleaning crew defined it in part of having things that stayed in one place indefinitely whether it was needed or not. Wherever I put something, there it stayed. New things. Old things. Dishes, garbage and general crap.

When Squalor Survivors ended, a new place called Stepping Out of Squalor came into being. I post there on occasion under a different posting name.
Posted: 09 June 2013 - 05:01 PM
It doesn't really matter why.
All that matters is that she is not willing to change.
If she were willing to change then the why issue could be worked out through her therapy.
Of course she will blame you and everybody else under the sun rather than accept that she did/does what she is doing because it's what she wants to do.
I don't believe she would tell any body anything that could help you or her.

Remember, we can not change others, we can only change ourselves. (((hugs)))
Lynn S
Posted: 08 June 2013 - 01:46 PM
my mom says that there are two sides to a story (for what she's doing, (hoarding)). If I can get in contact with Cory is it possible to email my mom so that she can say what her side is to you?
She said that she won't contact anybody but will respond to someone reaching out to her.
I believe that she'll blame me for something on her side of the story.

She won't join open chat Sun.
Is there a way I can contact you to contact her?
Maybe through Cory?
What to do?
She won't tell her side of the story to me.
Posted: 29 May 2013 - 11:42 AM
Dianne, to this day I try to end each day thinking of things and/or people or experiences to be grateful for. It helps me to sleep, even, and keeps me from overwhelming myself with "things to do" lists, which are not conducive to living well or sleeping well. hehe
Posted: 28 May 2013 - 01:07 PM
Hi Roxie,

Tillie had made a reference to my list being a *stern and relentless master* and suggested I *fire it*. So I did. :)

And over the weekend I googled stinkin thinkin and found the site Out of the Fog. It is excellent, thank you!!

Without a doubt my tendency is towards negative thinking. I'm finding focusing on things to be grateful for is a big help. :)
Posted: 28 May 2013 - 11:45 AM
Dianne, what do you mean by you "fired the taskmaster?"

Negative thinking is a major drag. I had a hyper keen critical inner voice that I know I inherited from my mother. I worked hard to eliminate that. The most useful thing for me was to pay attention to when I did it and stop myself, and then think of things to be grateful for.

Also, google Stinkin Thinkin (or stinking thinking) and find wonderful guidelines for stopping old and useless inner dialogue and replacing it with better "voices" in one's head. Helped me a lot.
Posted: 26 May 2013 - 07:59 AM
Thank you Susan, there is a level of anxiety. Sometimes lower, sometimes higher, but always there. Much of my life is lived in the past. So easy to stay in my mind while doing routine tasks. I'm trying to be more present. Good luck with those family coats. I really connect with the sadness of missing the family you raised.

Thank you Tillie for your excellent practical suggestions. I'm trying to meditate again, it is helpful. I did fire the taskmaster and am using the suggestion list. My daily to do's are solid since they have to do with other's care. I made 2 index cards. One has a higher energy suggestion menu and one has a lower energy suggestion menu. So I'm not always checking my big lists and frittering time and energy trying to keep them perfectly maintained. Yes your explanation was clear and very usable. {{{hugs}}}

Thank you Roxie for your advice also. Definitely OCD here. Part of me loves it when I am in a flow. Literal movement which is lyrical and I am accomplishing. Many, many years ago one of my bosses in a large Greek flower shop was imitating my way of working quickly. He looked like he was dancing and to see me like that from another's perspective was embarrassing but pleasing. I never forgot that. But chasing perfection has its down side as does anything else. On these beautiful days I have been spending a little time laying in the grass to feel grounded. Also holding some rocks, moss agate and hematite. I love the way they feel in my hands. And I am devouring the website Out of the Fog. Thank you so much! {{{hugs}}}
Posted: 21 May 2013 - 12:43 PM
Dianne, big hugs to you. I think maybe most of us or all of us have at least a big of OCD, and maybe your particular lists are part of that? Dunno, just talking outloud here.

Grounding yourself. Hmmm. Stamp your feet and really feel the earth beneath you. Know that you are grounded to the earth no matter how much you may feel you are spinning out of control. For me, dancing can ground me. Some kinds of music, especially rock for dancing, or opera for listening helps me. Sitting down here at the keyboard and communicating my experiences is helping. Listen to someone else's voice instead of the one in your head telling you negative things. Check out "stinking thinking" on the internet.

Also, it is important to know that YOU CAN STAND to feel your feelings. They can't kill you. They are just feelings. Let go, go through and be more at peace.

Posted: 21 May 2013 - 12:05 PM
Hi Dianne :)

Meditation is how I clear my mind and center my focus on what in all reality really matters.

I would like to make a suggestion about your list.
Seems that list is a very stern and relentless master.
How about firing it?

Then make up your daily, weekly, monthly To-Dos
as a menu of suggestions that you may or may not choose from
depending on if they actually need to be done or can wait till tomorrow.

I have a list of suggestions such as....
wash livingroom drapes
weed in garden
straighten bedroom closet & drawers
wash bathroom walls
wash out fridge

I can choose to do one or two from this list or totally ignore it.

Then I have my daily To-Do list
some things that really should be done today
like water garden
wash litter boxes
do laundry
clean kitchen

With a menu of suggestions you get to decide what you will do and if it doesn't really need doing every day you make that decision.
Going around in circles doing and redoing the same tasks when there are other things that need some doing is fruitless.

Hope I have explained this well enough and not confused you. :)
Posted: 21 May 2013 - 11:17 AM
Hi Dianne,

Feels like there is an element of living in the past in your high anxiety about the cleaning and lists.

What would you like your life to be like now? Just as we let go of objects, need to let go of the anxiety that is quicksand pulling us under.

Deep breath . . . do a little each day, doesn't matter what. Step by step it adds up to progress.

I'm working on sorting through family coats. It's a sad process because reminds me that the children are grown and the now ex husband is out of the picture [I am happily remarried though.] But need to work through this to clear the way for new experiences.

There is new life ahead, but need to let go of some of the stuff in the past. Best of luck on your journey.
Posted: 21 May 2013 - 11:05 AM
Oh. I forgot to say the problem is I can't stick to my list and say that chore is for tomorrow. I have to keep doing it all over again each day.

It feels like an endless loop and even my mind can't get off it. Does any of this make sense?
Posted: 21 May 2013 - 10:57 AM
I'm stuck again.

Got over the humps of depression from some recent life's-unexpected-curveballs. Took some good action in caring for health and making repairs. Got completely caught up with maintained areas. Am making small but steady inroads into bigger hoard.

And updated my compulsive lists of chores for daily, bi-weekly, weekly, monthly, etc. maintenance taking into consideration other outside obligations I may have on a particular day. I complicate it so much. :(

My maintained areas are so close to perfect I have an obsessive need to keep them that way. Sometimes I am rechecking them several times a day. That's fine if it's scooping litter boxes. But I feel the nervous energy just sucking away the steady energy I could use for doing work that would move me further along to my goals.

I'm getting that crazy feeling again of needing to have total control. If I don't keep total control then there's no control and things all go to crap again.

How do you all keep the balance? Are there actual physical things you can do to settle down?

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