I have confronted about so much behavior that he needs to change. I've been too patient with his other behaviors, none harmful to others but mostly to himself, except the hoarding which is bad for my daughter's health and well being.

Because she talked to her aunt- I know it's a big deal for a kid to tell private things to an outside person so it's really at the bad point. My sister in law saw the stuff he dumped in their garage and sees the hoarding problem and that he has to change his attitude and way of thinking most of all.

I now longer can wait for that. I want him to get help and learn and be happy but meanwhile he's making my life hell and ruining our family.

So I told a friend this plan and she supported it:
we live in NYC in a big loft filled with mostly his crap and stuff and don't have a room for our daughter, another whole topic. there are some walls and the door but he's trying to do it all by himself.

I'm going to meet them and try to have a restful vacation but it's hard to imagine as he is going to be resentful. I think that plan is that even if he won't talk to me I am going to talk to him and my daughter and talk about how it was brave she talked to her aunt and we are going to take care of this problem and validate that it is not ok for her to be in a car over full or a house over full and not have friends over. She had one sleep over this year and went to friend's houses. we don't have people over much. The few times we did I was so happy I knew i was being deprived and controlled.
I even have social anxiety but I put down a boundary and said I am going to start having people over. Only outside things motivate him, it took me months to get him to put in new dishwasher and stove. For over six months we had old fridge and new one, old dishwasher and new one and old stove and new one.

so my plan is, we are going to her STeri clean and get them to help us as soon as we're back and she starts school. He will have to allow them to help us. I have to go to work and they need to come. We will get them to get rid of stuff and do what they do with him and he needs to go to a therapist and get support, all for the sake of our daughter having a normal house and being able to feel good about her home. How selfish is it to deny her that and then act like I'm crazy to point it out?

If he refuses, I will sell the house and I'm not fooling. It's my apartment and worth a lot, if the stuff is in there, the value will go down. IF he won't deal with cleaning up even though the real estate agent comes, then he knows we make less on the house. The house is worth enough that I can rent a small place in the neighborhood. We will move to a place that has a bedroom for our daughter and she will stay at her school. He can choose to store his crap at his own expense. He can live with us and know that every thing he brings into the home will be negotiated and he will not be allowed to amass more clutter or he can't live there.

Those are the two choices I see as healthy for our family. IF he refuses to be ok with them and cooperate and admit it's an illness and get help, he is not allowed to let it ruin our daughter's development and having a normal life with friends and a clutter free home.

If he sees it as me throwing him out that is his delusion. I think it's two healthy choices that try to include him and help him heal and be a good father. IF he doesn't see it that way, all I have to do is call a real estate agent. sI can't force him to get rid of stuff but I can make it so he can't bsng them to a new place. the place would be much smaller anyway.

That's it. Any thoughts? I'm going through all this alone in our home about to take a plane at 6am tomorrow knowing he's meeting me at the airport mad at me.

it's a 3 week vacation I desperately need and it's starting with a total huge stressor. I thought I might have to not take the plane and stay here and get the house cleaned but I refuse to punish myself.