SDmom: Welcome to our discussions. I AM 60 but am told I look 48 or younger. Because of that, I'm even more berated, belittled and "shamed" with questions of "why can't you just clean this stuff up and start going out and having fun? Meet a nice man?" Most of my friends just think I'm "lazy." I have pulled away from most of them and I NEVER have anyone over anymore. You are still living with your family? How do they fit into your situation? Do they try to understand and help you, do they blame you and complain about your messes, or worst, do they just enable and/or help make the messes? When I was married, my ex just zoned out or bitc*ed about the house. Our marriage had already fallen apart so we were sleeping in separate rooms. And I don't know if you read all of this thread but this was at the same time I was fighting and preparing an EEO case plus facing extensive medical problems. My ex never once tried to help by even picking up a few things himself to get me motivated. Matter of fact, when I went into his bedroom and bathroom, I was furious! He had his own mess (not as bad as mine of course) but his bathroom looked like the worst gas station bathroom you've ever seen! Yet he constantly screamed and yelled at me for being lazy and too wrapped up in my EEO case. He didn't care that I was suicidal either. Like you, I lost my mom 5 days before Christmas. Then all the trouble with my sister, health and financial issues, etc. And before I knew it, I was buried beneath a mountain of clutter. Now I'm faced with having a very short period of time to clean it up. How do you clean up years and years of this mess in just a few weeks? I will need to get all of this out of here because I need to try to sell the house so it doesn't go into foreclosure. My situation is made much harder because I'm single and have to fix the plumbing in the kitchen (I'm on my 4th try!), figure out what's wrong with my AC and try to fix it.... That's just the tip of the iceberg believe me. I am SO very overwhelmed and depressed. Please feel free to share your experiences with us here. All we can do is be here to tell you we completely understand what you're going through and hopefully convince you not to beat yourself up about it....a VERY HARD thing to do in my case anyway. Please stay in touch here.

Anonymoniker: I'm sorry to hear about your episode with your friend. Would you like to share? I've had my share of "falling out" with a couple of my friends as well.

OMGwhoAmI, i totally understand. I feel the same way. I had just had a horrid exchange with a 'friend'....im tired of things being hard, too...

OMGwhoAmI, i totally understand. I feel the same way. I had just had a horrid exchange with a 'friend'....im tired of things being hard, too...

Wow - I just found this board about 2 months ago and started my first chat today.

Went to these message boards and found this thread and want to say - I get ALL of it.

1) feeling "overwhelmed" which I call "stuck"
2) suffering from Depression for at least 25 years with some OCD and ADHD
3) Pushing 60 at age 57
4) my mom passed away 6 years ago (2 days before Christmas) still going through her stuff mostly paperwork (Im an only child)
5) have had other issues including bariatric surgery and alcoholism which I have now kicked for at least a year.

I have less piles and more boxed but still, a problem. AND we are older parents as had kids younger so have a teen and 20somehing at home plus husband

hang in hopefully we will both learn here!

Thanks so much. I'm trying very hard to keep my head up. But it does feel like I'll never get out from under this streak of bad luck. It's really dragging me down to a place I don't want to be. I have been in Counseling but finished it last year. I just want a little happiness and a break from this constant drama in my life. Thanks again.

Wow...your situation is really hard. I am so sorry. I cant imagine dealing aith all that? I still think you should seek legal council of some kind? And really, you might benefit from emotional council as well. What you have gone through has been very traumatizing all the way around. You have certainly gotten stronger from it, rather than like a lot of people, who would crumble and resort to drugs instead...like what happened to me...thats how my hoard got collected...thats why i now dont have any desire to accumulate any more stuff...cuz it was the drugs that made me want to shop. You are super capable and strong & should be very proud of that! I know its a common theory that everyone should just forgive everyone....i dont agree with that...i think at some point justice needs to prevail on some level, however small...your situation needs some kind of balance to happen...i dont know what or how, but there needs to be a shift...i hope that can happen soon! You are obviously a good and loving person who deserves the best to come! I hope you can find a free or low income program to assist you...i know they are out there! Until then, know that you are in the right and that is what is important! ~☆~♡~☆~

I know EXACTLY how you feel! My sister and I were Co-Executors of my mom's Estate. We also were responsible for selling her Mobile Home. My sister did absolutely NOTHING. She left it ALL UP TO ME. We almost lost the sale of the trailer when the new buyers tried to back out 3 days before closing. My sister had done nothing to clean the trailer, nothing to help prepare it for sale, make repairs, etc. I did it all or arranged it all. I asked her to at least get the electric, water, etc. turned off by a certain date and she couldn't or wouldn't even do THAT. The pipes almost froze in the winter because the heat went out when mom's oil tank went empty. I knew if those pipes would burst, we would put out a fortune getting them fixed before we could sell it. I scrambled around in 27 degree weather trying to find a solution and she said she "was already in bed and wasn't putting out anymore money for oil." I finally convinced our RE Agent to use her account to buy some oil and we would pay her back. I laid down a new kitchen floor in the trailer, cleaned and organized it several times, even stacking my sister's things she wanted in a nice neat pile. She took another week to even go pick up those items! And THEN she left half of them for me to figure out what to do with them! I had friends painting, friends fixing the tub, fixing the appliances, building new steps, etc. I told her she needed to help. She did. She showed up ONE day 2 hours late, painted the heads of some screws on the exterior of mom's trailer and pulled some screens out of the window. Nothing I asked her to do was done right or at all most times. I stayed ON TOP of everything, like an executor should. What she did was to go through mom's house before I got there to clean and take whatever items she wanted, including expensive jewelry! Our mom's will said that we were to split EVERYTHING...cash, household, all of it 50/50. Well, she already took what she wanted. And once I started looking at mom's bank statements, I didn't see any payments for rent, health insurance, etc. Worse yet, there was no SS check going into the bank my sister reported as the only one. So I went to the SSA, only to discover that all of mom's checks were going into another Bank account at a different Bank! When I went to that Bank, I was told there was no money in it but it was still open. I asked why, she's passed away. The Bank person's mouth fell open. She said your sister withdrew the money in April (2014) but she never told us your mom passed away in Dec 2013! My mom had put my sister's name on the account ONLY so she could pay her bills when she was in the Hospital (which had become a monthly thing). She was supposed to report THAT account and money to the Register of Wills but never did. I could go on and on but that's really not what this is about. The point is I know how you feel. In my case, my son is very close to her because they are close in age (there are 16 years between me and my sister). And I've tried telling him what she's done and how she's hurt all of us. He doesn't want to hear it. Nothing seems to make him realize what a ruthless evil witch she is. Oh I forgot to mention, she became or maybe already was, a drunk. She tried to beat up her own 17 year old child one day. So my point is I, like you, had always been the STRONG ONE, the one everybody ran to when they needed help. But in the end, it all backfired on me. Would you believe she called ME the greedy, evil BIT*H??! It was when my mom passed and then I was going through all those battles with her that I walked through my house one day and stood in shock.... I hadn't even realized I'd let it get this bad! I try very hard to keep getting back up every time someone knocks me down but it's getting harder and harder. And being ALONE doesn't help. My dogs are literally my life right now. And even then, I've lost 3 since 2012. I feel like I've had a black cloud over me all my life. And worse still? When I grew up it was just me and my mom until I was 14. We were poor. She was very unlovable. She merely PROVIDED. She never told me she loved me. Never hugged me... Nothing. And then she married my alcoholic stepfather and they had my sister. She got everything in the world, including a "changed and different mom." Now my mother was touchy feely, hugging, pampering, constantly telling her she loved her. But you know what? I resented my MOM for that but never blamed my sister. She was an innocent child. I never held it against her. But I had a real hard time forgiving my mom for the lack of love for me. Matter of fact, my stepfather didn't like me being around their happy threesome so he kicked me out of my home at 17. But even worse? My mother let him! I had to ask friends if I could stay or live with them. So my sister and I grew up basically in two entirely different worlds. Yet I never treated her with jealousy or disrespect. I babied and spoiled her too. And so now look where I am? And look who ended up screwing who? These are things I have trouble letting go of and I believe are a big part of why I'm in this mess. Because instead of keeping control of my life, I have allowed what they did to me control my life. I loved my mom but I realized just how much hurt and resentment I had bottled up inside of me when I wrote her a "letter" letting out all my feelings, of course never to be sent because she's gone. But it really floored me at how much resentment and hurt I had and probably still have towards her. But that's a whole other story. I'm glad to have someone like you to talk to that seems to have been through similar things as myself. And I'm also sorry for all that you've had to endure. Thank you for listening and sharing.

That sounds like a horrid experience! I am sorry you had to be put in that position! Its similar to mine, but yours is much more extreme...i lost my Dad & my sister turned on me then, too...the money her husband embezzled that i told my dad about so he could change his will, went to all the kids of which i have none, but im the one shes still mad at...that money put their kids through ivy league colleges, and expensive rehab programs, etc...meanwhile i was hated...i was the black sheep & scapegoat growing up & when i did the right thing, by honoring my father's wishes, i was still seen as the wrong one...that lead me down a dark path of drug addiction cuz it showed me i was gonna be seen as the bad guy regardless of my actions...im still crushed emotionally from knowing that. Aside from it being the right thing to do, i had a legal obligation as executor of his will to disclose that info, since all future grandchilden's trust funds were based on the embezzled trust fund. She keeps changing her reason for being mad at me....meanwhile, i cant spend holidays with the whole family or visit cuz shes there...her son & i were close when he was young & he asked about me for years, but who knows what she told him about me.
If it would help you financially & emotionally, i still think you should seek legal council?
Another thing about attorneys & judges, they very often have arrangements about winning cases that have nothing to do with who is in the right or any evidence presented, etc.! Like much of this country, it is very corrupt in court, too!
Id hoped for years the truth would come out to my nephew so he wouldnt see me as a monster....it hasnt happened....my Mother didnt even remember why my sister got mad at me when i brought it up last year...that really crushed me...i asked if they ever got that money & she had no recollection of me doing that or the problems it caused then...even tho she was angry at me 'causing problems'with it at the time...sigh...at least i know i did the right thing...and you knowing that too i know feels good in a deep way!

That sounds like a horrid experience! I am sorry you had to be put in that position! Its similar to mine, but yours is much more extreme...i lost my Dad & my sister turned on me then, too...the money her husband embezzled that i told my dad about so he could change his will, went to all the kids of which i have none, but im the one shes still mad at...that money put their kids through ivy league colleges, and expensive rehab programs, etc...meanwhile i was hated...i was the black sheep & scapegoat growing up & when i did the right thing, by honoring my father's wishes, i was still seen as the wrong one...that lead me down a dark path of drug addiction cuz it showed me i was gonna be seen as the bad guy regardless of my actions...im still crushed emotionally from knowing that. Aside from it being the right thing to do, i had a legal obligation as executor of his will to disclose that info, since all future grandchilden's trust funds were based on the embezzled trust fund. She keeps changing her reason for being mad at me....meanwhile, i cant spend holidays with the whole family or visit cuz shes there...her son & i were close when he was young & he asked about me for years, but who knows what she told him about me.
If it would help you financially & emotionally, i still think you should seek legal council?
Another thing about attorneys & judges, they very often have arrangements about winning cases that have nothing to do with who is in the right or any evidence presented, etc.! Like much of this country, it is very corrupt in court, too!
Id hoped for years the truth would come out to my nephew so he wouldnt see me as a monster....it hasnt happened....my Mother didnt even remember why my sister got mad at me when i brought it up last year...that really crushed me...i asked if they ever got that money & she had no recollection of me doing that or the problems it caused then...even tho she was angry at me 'causing problems'with it at the time...sigh...at least i know i did the right thing...and you knowing that too i know feels good in a deep way!

Thanks again for the words of encouragement. As far as my mom's estate, that's all over and done. She basically got away with all the things she did. She also committed tax fraud on hers and my mom's taxes for 7 years (she did my mom's taxes and my mom trusted her) which I AM going to report to the IRS. I'd say with all the things she manipulated, hid, and lied about, she probably got away with at least $50,000 more that should have been included in my mom's estate. We took each other to Court and I showed up with tons of evidence and facts. I don't think she expected me to show up so she also showed up without a lawyer. Then, at the last minute (and I DO MEAN THE LAST MINUTE!) she ran through the Courthouse and found a lawyer to represent her at our hearing. Because I was up against him all alone, he objected to EVERYTHING! The judge sat there and listened to the lawyer read an email I had written her (it wasn't nice BUT it was the ONLY ONE I sent in that manner after receiving at least 10 from her (calling me the worst Fkg scum of the Earth, how she hated me, wish I'd die, etc.). I had consulted with an Attorney about how to handle the court hearing and he told me to "stick to facts only,". He told me NOT to get into ANY of the emotional exchanges and emails we had had because the Judge would STOP us and say it was NOT RELEVANT to the FACTS. He was WRONG! That judge sat there and despite all my written documents proving fraud, hidden assets, etc., she ALLOWED that lawyer to read MY EMAIL for 10 minutes! I, of course, did not BRING any of my nasty emails from her on the advice of the lawyer. So I lost. She became sole Executor of our mom's estate. I WILL say this: the Judge turned to me and said "As for those assets you've presented that were not submitted and were hidden and the tax fraud, I would like you to KNOW that you CAN pursue those issues through OTHER means and Agencies. I went back to my "advice lawyer" and he said "no GOOD Judge would have allowed him to stand there and present an emotionally charged email from EITHER of us." But he also said her parting words to me were "a hint not to drop my accusations but to get them investigated through the proper channels like IRS, etc. He said it was actually a good thing that she became sole executor because now she was solely responsible for all taxes on the estate. I've since learned that she lied on the tax year of the year our mom died, probably claiming she lived with her and was taking care of her! I NEVER thought my "sister" could be so evil. Believe me when I tell you that I never want to have anymore contact with her. The unfortunate thing about that is that she is very close to my son and his family. So they don't want to hear about what she did. They just prefer to pretend it's our problem. What my son doesn't realize is that all that money she confiscated could have been his also.... Because it would have been in MY estate. I was devastated by the loss of my mom. I would have NEVER thought that once she passed, my sister would turn into such an evil person with such hatred towards me! So I feel like I lost my mom AND my sister at the same time. One I no longer mourn. Her behavior will come back to haunt her and she will have to answer to her higher being when she's gone. Thank you again for letting me RAMBLE. I'm now off to see a Surgeon for what will probably definitely be an upcoming surgery. Love to all.

Oh, that sounds so hard! I am so sorry you are going through so many difficult things all at once! Youre obviously a really strong person! Is there any way you could get some legal assistance with the estate through Legal Aid or some other kind of low income or free legal service? I also had a falling out with my sister 25 years ago & had to tell my Dad that her husband had embezzled their child's trust fund. He had to change his will which benefited her kids, not me, but she still hasnt spoken to me since. So many people seem to have falling outs with siblings over wills & estates. There are services available that might help you if you could find out about them?
I know things look aweful now, but they will get better.even tho thats hard to imagine right now. You need to rest and get some legal advice, it sounds like. Were here for you, too!

Oh, that sounds so hard! I am so sorry you are going through so many difficult things all at once! Youre obviously a really strong person! Is there any way you could get some legal assistance with the estate through Legal Aid or some other kind of low income or free legal service? I also had a falling out with my sister 25 years ago & had to tell my Dad that her husband had embezzled their child's trust fund. He had to change his will which benefited her kids, not me, but she still hasnt spoken to me since. So many people seem to have falling outs with siblings over wills & estates. There are services available that might help you if you could find out about them?
I know things look aweful now, but they will get better.even tho thats hard to imagine right now. You need to rest and get some legal advice, it sounds like. Were here for you, too!

I am so sorry for your despair. Tomorrow is another day. Your dogs love you as you are. And you are welcome and supported here. We will help you. You came to the right place. We will help you through this. Just eat right and get a good night's sleep.

Thanks to both of you for your posts. It does help to know I'm not alone in this mess. Today was a really bad day. I spent 5 hours trying to fix my kitchen sink leak, replacing all the pvc pipes, washers, even the sink drain. I followed every rule to the "T." When I turned the water on, it leaked from the drains even though I had sealed them with plumbers putty. Then I got 2 hrs of sleep because I had a bridal shower to attend and deviled eggs to make. I also was pet sitting for my neighbor. She has 9 cats, 2 dogs, a bird, and pond fish. She left the pump off because it wasn't working right and I went over there this morning to find all the.pond fish gulping at the surface for air. I had to ask her if I could bring all my deviled egg ingredients and do them at her house since I have no operating plumbing in my kitchen. Then before I left, I saw that a bunch of clothes and blankets on my laundry room floor (where else would they be? Certainly not put away!) were sopping wet. I followed the source and picked up the clothes and blankets. I had an inch of water on my floor! It was and is STILL coming from the bottom of my AC unit. I do not have the money to hire someone to fix either of these things so I will have to try to do the plumbing again and see if I can figure out where and why water is streaming from the bottom of my AC unit. This probably sounds like typical things that happen to people all the time. But when you're fighting with a cluttered and now even unsafe house (can't walk in some rooms and can barely get through the hallway!) then it's like adding gasoline to an already flaming fire. At least that's how it feels to me! I had kind of gotten a handle on a lot of this (inside the house anyway) and then my mother passed away....and then I lost 2 aunts (my mom's sisters), one 2 months after my mom and the other 6 mo's after that. My half sister and I got into the worst fights of our lives over her estate because I discovered she had hidden thousands and thousands of dollars of our mom's assets from me. We no longer even acknowledge that we are sisters and have not spoken since April 2015. I have no other family here. I have few friends, probably my own doing because I hide in this mess and don't socialize. And finally, I've realized that I will probably have to walk away from my house of 26 years because it's literally falling apart from age and I don't have the strength or money to fix it or even maintain it anymore. I thought I would find some final peace if I could just GET STARTED cleaning this junk out of here, pack a minimum of stuff and my pets, and move to a house in Florida. Just the THOUGHT of that would give me hope. Now I have all these things falling apart, can't even let the lender in here to appraise it for a short sale or cash for keys, AND I found out the laws won't allow me to purchase a house for 2 years after letting my house go either of those ways. But I will have no choice. My mortgage pmt goes up $200 more a month beginning August and I'm stuck here drowning under all this clutter with the house falling apart right before my eyes. How can you even think about where to start cleaning up this mess when you don't even have a functioning house? Coming back from the Bridal Shower, I cried all the way home. It was the closest I came to real thoughts of "wouldn't it just be easier to let go?" I mean it when I say that the only thing holding me back are the love of my dogs and grandkids who I see once a year.

Wow...i can sooo relate to each of your posts and the poem....part of me would be tempted to exit early if it werent for my cats...and part of me wants to be able to have people here, and part of me wants to be alone....i do know tho, that each chunk of my mess that gets eliminated is the most amazing feeling! Its like i feel like i have super powers over my life in a new way...it has gotten kind of addictive lately....of all the difficult challenges ive had over the recent years that most people cant handle on their own, this whole thing is 100% completely within my own control....so, Superwoman to the rescue of my own life...here i come....i can guarantee you that you will feel that way too once you get started...just do a manageable bit each day...you will see! Make your daily goals small, but at least somewhat noticeable...try it! You will see! :D

Wow...i can sooo relate to each of your posts and the poem....part of me would be tempted to exit early if it werent for my cats...and part of me wants to be able to have people here, and part of me wants to be alone....i do know tho, that each chunk of my mess that gets eliminated is the most amazing feeling! Its like i feel like i have super powers over my life in a new way...it has gotten kind of addictive lately....of all the difficult challenges ive had over the recent years that most people cant handle on their own, this whole thing is 100% completely within my own control....so, Superwoman to the rescue of my own life...here i come....i can guarantee you that you will feel that way too once you get started...just do a manageable bit each day...you will see! Make your daily goals small, but at least somewhat noticeable...try it! You will see! :D

To OMG,

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am also, but I guess I have a different sort of issues. (Mainly, my family is trying to prevent me from getting rid of their hoard in addition to mine. They live across the street.)

I have always lived alone, so I have no one to blame but myself. I've been doing the Mario Kondo methods. I love them, but I had a lot of hobbies that I was to restart so I feel like I am stuck. Also, I'm just having a hard time of physically getting rid of the "stuff." Some of it is not mine and some I can't move or put on curb. (Desks, refrigerators, broken equipment, etc.)

My only advice is to throw away that garbage. You will feel better. I went from starting out the summer as a compulsive shopper who was piling up bags of unopened stuff to someone who gets a high from getting rid of things. I actually am looking forward to the garbage coming. I feel a "spark of joy" when I let something go. Sadly, since my family has convinced me to hang onto stuff until this stupid garage sell, I feel like I'm going insane. I couldn't sleep last night. I know there are rodents in my garage. I go in there because I basically put all in there and I can hear them scrambling around! I looked into junk removal services, but they were so expensive. I cannot imagine the cost of the professional organizer. Heck, I feel like I am one already as I clean and organize my mom's house.

Try the Marie Kondo book "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up." However, buy a digital copy, not the paper. One you start feeling the high from getting rid of things, it's hard to stop.

Also, I liked the last stanza of your first poem. Is it too late for me? My "stuff" keeps me alone, which is really what I want. People always say I should meet someone and start to do things. I don't want to. Instead, I stay in this house and "organize." I do think I am changing. I am not buying anything, even food. I could live on what I have for weeks. Best of luck. Keep posting.

So sorry about the DOUBLE posting of my Poem!

"The Pain"

By XXXXXXXX

The days pile atop one another;
I step through them totally numb;
I go through the motions of living,
Though emotions and feelings won't come.

This pain that I feel deep inside,
Is a reminder of what's lost to me;
It's there like a knife in my chest,
And I can't pull it out and be free.

I try to move on from this pain,
And the fear of more hurt yet to be;
But the fear grips me like a vice,
And more pain is all I can see.

Why has this darkness surrounded me?
I lost who I was, but when?
How will I ever find a way back?
Or is this finally the end?

I'm hanging on by a thread,
Not finding much reason to stay;
If it weren't for the love of my pets,
I might easily be gone in a day.

"The Pain"

By XXXXXXXX

The days pile atop one another;
I step through them totally numb;
I go through the motions of living,
Though emotions and feelings won't come.

This pain that I feel deep inside,
Is a reminder of what's lost to me;
It's there like a knife in my chest,
And I can't pull it out and be free.

I try to move on from this pain,
And the fear of more hurt yet to be;
But the fear grips me like a vice,
And more pain is all I can see.

Why has this darkness surrounded me?
I lost who I was, but when?
How will I ever find a way back?
Or is this finally the end?

I'm hanging on by a thread,
Not finding much reason to stay;
If it weren't for the love of my pets,
I might easily be gone in a day.

Thanks to everyone here for your suggestions, understanding, encouragement, and support.

Unfortunately, I haven't made much of a change other than to try the "set a time limit on tasks" thing. I seem to be getting worse instead of better. At least before all I had was clutter and boxes and clothes everywhere. In the last couple of months I realized that I now have trash laying around.... No food or garbage or things like that...not yet anyway! But I find yogurt containers that I've let my dogs lick after I'm done, paper plates, overflowing trash cans, etc. And then I leave half finished cans of soda laying all over the place. What the H*LL is wrong with me??! If ANYBODY were to come into my house right now, I would literally die of shame! There are just years and years of stuff piled up on containers everywhere. My garage and very large shed are a nightmare! In my defense, I didn't do THOSE TWO by myself. My 2 exes left all that junk for me (which, by the way, THEY had disorganized while they were here!). But they just left all the messes for ME. Funny thing is I'm the one that broke up with both of them! You might think they would leave me but I wasn't really like this until that time during my work and health nightmare, and then again after I lost my mom. But that's no excuse for my compulsive buying and cluttering. I found out I have Adult ADHD which supposedly can cause or contribute to this behavior. I recently read a bunch of info on ADHD and I was shocked at how many of the symptoms I have! The article stated if you have at least 3 or 4 of the following behaviors, you may have Adult ADHD. There were like 10 symptoms. I had all 10! I'm rambling here. I have friends but NONE I feel I could share this issue with and ask for help. These friends would be shocked and probably judgmental. I've already had one tell me it was just "laziness!" I need help cleaning this up SO BADLY! If I had someone I could trust to understand and help me, I think I could do this. I cannot afford a professional cleanup. I wish there were groups of people like me NEAR me that we could get together and help each other as well as be a compassionate and understanding friend. I did make a plan to do so many items within a timeframe each day. But I have so many health, dental, and financial issues going on right now that something ALWAYS interrupts my plan. And if I'm being honest, I probably am secretly thankful to have yet another reason to procrastinate! I'm getting dangerously depressed here and I don't want to end up back in that dark place where I've been before. But right now it's hard to see much hope in trying to accomplish this by myself. Thanks for listening.

Posting here is a good place to express yourself--you'll get encouragement when you need it, applause when you've done something, tips and support. The "what are you doing today" is an active thread--stop by and join us! I find im doing better when I post. It's also a good idea to read old posts here.

Let me know if you want to make a pact not to shop for a week, a month, whatever. I'll make it with you. It's tough but we won't want to let each other down. and even though I've severely cut down on acquisitions, I could still use a refresher course in not buying nonsense.

Good luck!!!

Thanks to all of you. I'm taking in all your suggestions. And I'm going to try to follow them

Hello OMG--thank you for expressing yourself. I know how hard it is to start. I can sit here and think, I wish this weren't in the floor or I wish the garbage would miraculously disappear. It will require you to get off the couch, and trust me, you'll feel better once you do.

Some suggestions culled from my years here and my own battle for a clean, clear house:
Set up a garbage bag and decide to deal with trash in one area. I bet there is more trash in that area than you can imagine and you'll feel a sense of satisfaction in getting that bag out.
Set a timer or put in some music--decide you'll work on a task for ten minutes or three songs. I bet you could start small like a kitchen counter and feel so much better about yourself.
Could you make a pact with yourself (or one of us here) to not buy anything other than good and toilet paper for one week?

These little suggestions are just a way to get started. Getting started is tough. But I believe in you, because I had to believe in myself.

Wow!!! I like your poem! Ive also used poetry to get me through very difficult times! What i think i might do now, is to write a poem of the 'you'that you want to be in the future, looking back. Write about how you already did everything you hope to do! Express the joy you now feel from having chipped away at it everyday untill it became your awesome new beautiful space! ....by the way, reading your poem reminds me of something id have written cuz it so perfectly describes me & my situation....sometimes imagining where we want to be helps?! ~☆~☆~☆~ :D

Thanks for reading and replying. I agree with you. I definitely need professional cleaning help. Unfortunately, I cannot afford it. Financial hardship is part of the many things going on in my life the last few years! And of course the "shopaholic" thing, though a satisfying TEMPORARY QUICK FIX, has contributed greatly to MY CLUTTER, my financial burden, AND my stress. Believe me, if I had the health, strength, money, and MOTIVATION, I would do it MYSELF! Does anybody else have any ideas before I get buried here?

By the way, I write Poetry to express whatever I'm feeling at any given time. Perhaps the following one I recently wrote will relate to some of you.....

Thanks again for any help you can provide!

Here's my Poem:



My Clutter
BY. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
May 15, 2016


Surrounded by this clutter,
Not knowing where to start;
Wondering when this happened,
When my life started falling apart?

I don't want to go on living this way,
It's not how I pictured my life;
But then how could I have known,
That my life would be so full of strife?

I try to get up from this couch,
I know what to do to be free;
But knowing it and doing it,
Are the the hardest things for me.

I've built up years of things,
They made me happy back then;
But now they all surround me;
And I feel they're caving in.

I used to feel so comforted,
By these things surrounding me;
They felt like arms embracing me;
Hiding things I didn't want to see.

Now these things feel like boulders,
In a deep cavern within a mine;
And I feel like I'm suffocating,
And it's only a matter of time.

A matter of time before I collapse,
And the weight of this all crushes me;
And I'll be forever buried,
In a grave of clutter and debris!

How can I start to attack this?
It's so overwhelming now;
I don't want to continue like this,
But I don't know if, when, or how!

I'll never reach my dream,
If I don't pick a day to start;
By getting up off this couch;
And begin tearing this place apart!

I've got to remember to tell myself,
To clean this in days, I can't expect;
It's an accumulation of many years,
Of things I wanted to collect!

But I'll never have my dream,
My little piece of "heaven" on Earth;
If I don't start somewhere soon,
What will this all have been worth?

Hello :)

You seem to have a lot going on there.
Best thing would be to find a professional organizer to help you through this.

Best wishes

First, I APOLOGIZE if this gets posted twice. But it never showed up the first time so I'm trying to post it again.
I just need to tell SOMEBODY this stuff! I have just recently come to grips with the fact that I am either an excessive clutterer or a hoarder. If I'm being honest with myself, I started out as the first and am well on my way to the second. I have been in therapy off and on for most of my life for depression. I had a non-loving childhood and two alcoholic fathers. I NEVER used to live like this! As a matter of fact, years ago I was the EXACT OPPOSITE!! You could use a white glove on anything in my home and it would remain a white glove. You could have eaten off my floors. Then in 2002 I went through an extremely traumatic time in my working life, my family and marriage, and my health. All at the same time. I was involved in a legal issue of which I was suing a major agency. I worked nonstop on my case for 3-1/2 years researching, writing up my case, disputing, filing legal documents. At the same time, my marriage was falling apart. Going to work every day (the place I was suing) became a nightmare for me. All my coworkers and friends turned against me and treated me like a leper. My management bullied me, trying to scare me into giving up on my lawsuit. They took my job away and then called me in for disciplinary meetings saying I wasn't doing my job! The boss threatened my coworkers with dismissal if they talked to me! He also made them write fictitious statements about me. It was a nightmare. Then I got sick. I was forced to stay out of work for 8 months. I used that time to devote my whole life to my lawsuit, to the point of obsession. I never slept (I'm NOT exaggerating!). Once I stayed up for 52 hours straight, working on that case. I would set a clock, allowing myself 10 minute naps throughout those 52 hours. I was so tired that I actually fell on the floor one night while standing by the kitchen table. I just fell asleep on my feet and down I went, missing smashing my head on the glass patio doors by inches. My husband was NO SUPPORT. He just complained that I spent too much time on the case and not on the house. Of course when I stopped cleaning, so did he. But he didn't address that. It was THEN that my cluttering STARTED. I did not CARE about anything but that case. My house got so bad that all I had to walk through was a path because clothes, boxes, and anything else that got ignored was stacked. My family was horrified. Back then I didn't care. It was all about getting my justice! I won that case but it cost me more than I ever won. It cost me my clean, organized home, it cost me my social life, it cost me the resentment of friends and family, and it cost me a big part of my health. My marriage was already falling apart so it just made that worse. Then I won the case. But before I did, the stress took such a toll on me that I became suicidal. The ONLY thing keeping me from carrying out such a thing was that case! I thought I'd do IT after the decision on the case! I tried telling my husband but he just said some words not allowed to be printed here, basically saying it wasn't his problem, to get help, and he went to bed. Somehow I got through the suicide phase and found the courage to ask my husband to leave and give me a separation. However, I still did not clean up the mess. It finally got cleaned up when I met a BF who helped me clean it up. But after 5 years, we split. Then I had several traumatic experiences follow right on top of our breakup. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that by the end of the year, all that clutter was back. And so, here I am. I have realized that I respond to traumatic events in my life by "cluttering" or "hoarding," whichever I'm doing. I will get a good handle on the house and wham, something happens like my mother passing away, and before I even realize it, I'm buried in mountains of clutter, dirty clothes, and dirty dishes AGAIN! And I'm a shopaholic so I just keep adding to my clutter. You cannot even get INTO most of my rooms. I don't have food and garbage but I have dirty clothes, boxes and boxes of unopened purchased items, duplicates and triplicates of tons of things! And the big cloud hanging over all of this is my SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT. Yet I cannot find the strength or motivation to even START cleaning it up. I'm depressed already and the enormity of this cleanup depresses me more! I have actually written a letter to my family explaining my shame and apologizing for leaving it this way should I pass away. I leave it hanging on my dresser mirror. My biggest dream and wish is to sell this house, downsize, move to a warmer climate, and try to have SOME happiness in whatever years I have left. The saddest part about this is that I'm not an unattractive woman. I'm 60 and people think I'm 48. I'm told I'm pretty and have a great figure. Yet I remain isolated and alone in my mountain of clutter, scared to death that somebody may come to my house and want to visit or need to fix something! BUT I AM OVERWHELMED! I cannot get started!! I will look at this mess and crawl into bed and watch tv, telling myself I'll start tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes for that start. I SO BADLY want to make this all go away. I want to live like a normal person but I just don't seem to know how to anymore! Is there ANYONE out there that is facing what I'm facing and understands? And the icing on the cake is that I also have ADD, new health issues, AND A POSSIBLE LAWSUIT against a doctor. So the more the stress builds, the more buried I get under my clutter! I NEED HELP! Please forgive me for getting so long winded. I just needed to TELL SOMEBODY or I'm afraid I'll explode!