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I have known my husband for nine years and have been married for seven. We got married later in life, at the ages of 47 and 55, respectively, and it was the first marriage for both of us. We did not live together before getting married. This past weekend I saw him do something that has me very concerned. I will explain later. Let me begin by saying he is the most loving and generous man I have ever known. He often brings me flowers for no occasion, accompanies me to the ballet and actually enjoys it, and took me to Paris for my 60th birthday. He always washes pots, pans, and dishes after eating or cooking (we both cook), and empties the dishwasher without being asked. Most of our house is neat, clean, and organized because I insist on it, and I have a cleaning woman who comes every other week. There are a few other areas of the house that have me concerned.
Soon after our wedding I began to see hoarding tendencies in my husband. He sold his house and moved into mine. I saw box after box of useless junk carried in, such as a collection of Car and Driver magazines over 20 years old, a box full of stuff from his old bathroom such as the worn shower curtain, bath rug, and towels, and boxes of old books he has never read. All of this stuff is still in our attic seven years later. He started going to Costco and buying far more food and other items than we need. It often expires before we eat it and then I throw it out. Several times I have cleaned out the pantry before the food expired and donated it to food drives and food pantries. He never notices it is gone. Four times I have cleaned out the storage room of useless junk and discarded it. Again he never noticed the stuff was gone. He has four coffee cans filled with coins but he will not cash them in, even after I pointed out that it is a substantial amount of money that is not earning interest.
Our house was built in 1968 so the bedroom has one small closet that I use. He stores his clothes in the guestroom. He has five dressers filled with clothes he never wears, some dating back to high school. In addition, he has plastic tubs filled with old shoes and sneakers he never wears. He also uses one of the other bedrooms as his "personal space." (I use another bedroom as my sewing room and that is my space, but it is vey organized.) His space started with a desk and printer stand. The closet was filled with boxes of bank statements going back to the 1980s. He said he needed a bookshelf to organize his electrical books, so I bought him one last year for our anniversary. Then he said he needed a file cabinet to organize his papers. A year ago Christmas I gave him a beautiful tall wood cabinet from a good furniture store. Over a year later it is in the corner of his room, still empty. A few months ago he decided to take up skeet shooting after going with a friend. He bought a tall safe in which to store guns. The safe has been sitting in the middle of the room because the corner in which he claims he will put it is filled with boxes of junk. He keeps promising to clear it out but it never happens. The closest he came was to burn the old bank statements in the fireplace. He never bought guns to put in the safe so that, too, is empty. The cleaning woman does not go in there because every surface is covered with junk.
He does not display the social isolation typical of hoarders. He has many friends and spends time with them. He loves to have people over for cookouts. However, his cookouts always contain far too much food than necessary. He will grill beef, pork, chicken, fish, and shrimp because he wants to be sure each guest will eat something they like. People make jokes about it but I no longer think it is funny.
This past weekend we went to a ski resort. When we checked into our room I noticed the usual small bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and body lotion in the bathroom. Ten minutes later I went in there and noticed the bottles were gone. I asked my husband about them and he said he put them in his shaving kit. (He already has a bag at home filled with these bottles.) I told him I needed them and removed them from the kit. Yes, I know it is common for people to take those little bottles from hotels, but taking them ten minutes after check-in seems abnormal to me, especially when there is a bag full at home.
This last incident is the tipping point for me and has made me realize (or face the fact) that he has a problem. I should mention that he is a recovering alcoholic who has not had a drink in 16 years. Could there be a connection? This is weighing on me and I am afraid our marriage is suffering because of it. I keep the door to his personal room closed so I do not have to see the mess, but every time I go in the storage room to do the laundry I am confronted with still another mess. I have tried to talk with him about this but he says the stuff has "sentimental value." I think it is time to seriously confront him. I am considering giving him an ultimatum about the file cabinet, i.e., "If you do not organize your papers in it within one month I will sell it on Craig's List." I paid over $800 for it and it kills me to see it sitting empty. How do I do this without jeopardizing our relationship?
P.S. I am grateful that at least he does not spend money we do not have and is not in debt due his Costco splurges.
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