CriticalMass

Lets make a deal...
you sew for your Barbies and get them all looking posh
and I will deck out my doll house.

Between the two of us we have all the bases covered. ;D

Hi CriticalMass
GREAT! the vitamins are helping.
We function so much better when we have the right nutrients in our systems.

Glad you went quilting.
It is hard maintaining around "regular" type people.

Nice that you went for a visit with that lady.
I know it means a lot to her.

Hope you get the plants potted soon.
They will add some nice joy.

Sounds like you are doing much better, less scattered and torn emotionally.

Sugar...
In my family we have a problem with high triglyceride levels.
It is an inherited thing.
High triglyceride levels cause sudden death by heart attack.
I have had relatives just drop dead at a young age from this.
Many relatives were dangerously close to death even though they felt alright but blood tests raised red flags.
Our bodies take excess sugars and turns them into triglyceride and stores them.


Forgot to mention...
In that miniature stuff is a tiny decorated cake.

Tillie,

We keep cross posting because you possess the ability to be more concise, LOL! And I take forever and words words words.

The doll house miniatures sound fun. I'm afraid to do much in terms of that for my Barbies because "real estate" is at a premium just for the dolls themselves!

Have fun!

Hi everyone,

I think my vitamins are working! My mind is clearer, my worrying less. When it is bad, I can worry about every tiny thing that aggravates me personally, to whether the world is going to Hell in a handbasket and how long it will be till we get there. (This is something my faith tells me I should have more hope about - that God will sort it out - but when I'm depressed, it gets difficult to just let go, even when I am well aware it's above my pay grade.)

But I'm better. That's what matters. So I plan to keep taking those vitamins.

Today I went to quilting. I'd skipped for mental health reasons both days last week and yesterday. Not that quilting is stressful - I do have to be careful not to let my quirkiness show too much around the more conventional ladies or things can get awkward. I love them dearly, but they don't have a clue what it's like to live inside my skull, and I forget that to my peril.

It went very well. Afterward, I went and visited my elderly lady whom I sit with. She has had new hired caregivers so I haven't been filling in. This was just a social friendly visit. She was quite happy to see me. Her son was with her but he works graveyard shift and was sleeping. I helped her sweep her back deck and then we watched some EWTN (Catholic TV).

Yesterday I had moved my vinca flowers, the ones still needing potting out of the bunch I'd bought. They'd been on the front porch and I don't think they were happy in the shade. So I put them out in the sun again. Until I get them into real pots, I must watch that they don't get dehydrated in the nursery packs. But I didn't want to give them transplant shock AND a move at the same time. May pot them tomorrow.

After I came home this afternoon, I wrote a little on my satirical novel. I've been starting to shape the plot, list the characters, etc. for awhile, and I'm signed on for July NaNoWriMo Camp, have a "cabin" (group of fellow writers) with chat already active. I feel like this is going to get off the ground. My writing, like everything else, I flit around but I'm going to focus as best I can, in between other obligations such as the bunny club, and summer doings such as gardening. And decluttering...

Also, heard from my friend who was hospitalized in the spring. She's doing great, is beginning to coordinate things for eventual transfer to a more independent living situation. I'm so thrilled for her. Wish I were able to drive highways and had money, I would go to where she is to visit and help. I'm pretty confident that I'll get to visit her at some point with my roommate's help, it just probably won't be right away.

Found out my roommate has the entire week off next week. She will go visit family for the 4th, that's their big time. So I can have some night owl time and party with the cats and rabbits. And pray no one burns the neighborhood down with fireworks.

Tillie - I'm curious about something, if you don't mind my asking - if you're not diabetic or otherwise physically unable to tolerate sugar, why so strict on it? I ask because I have found that if I restrict anything too much I do crave it more and that can backfire.

But I know, discipline with pleasurable things is something we each have to find our own path about. That's been brought home to me in the past year with my Barbies/other dolls - how I am reining it in but it took awhile to be willing, and I probably need to be sure I'm being accurate with myself re whether I'm really spacing out new purchases like I intended, and overall slowing down and beginning to think "I have just the right amount, don't want more, may even let go of a few."

Regarding the Barbie obsession, too, and the frazzled and volatile moodiness of last week before resuming my vitamin regimen, the science nerd in me recognized I'm probably looking to balance my brain's dopamine. I think I'm getting there with it.

I may be rambling a bit. But be that as it may, I like to check in with you all. The BADGER may need to remind me again to make those medical appointments - tomorrow I think I'll be home and it'd be a good time.

Good Afternoon Everyone

Hi Tatoulia
(((HUG))) YEA! for expressing yourself to your sister!

Make sure to stay well hydrated in the heat.
A cool wet washcloth on the back of the neck is cooling.

Hope the cleaners came and your bed is all made up.
Sunday visiting sounds lovely.

I want an official will and last wishes but Steven refuses to even talk about it.
He's on the house deed so I need him to sign to make my desires official.
So simple, everything goes to Nate even though Nate doesn't want anything but he understands why I don't want to die without a will giving it all to him, to shut my gold digging money grubbing siblings out.


Hi Subclinical
YEA!!!! HAPPY DANCING!!!!!
You have your clothesline back!!!!!!

Good luck with your plans to get the ticket, gas up, toss trash and dropping off donations.

You ARE doing very well.
Along with all that sifting, sorting, organizing and purging you have also taken time to do other more enjoyable things and have kept up with life on the farm.

WAY TO GO! putting things in the waste basket!


Went into town today.
Stopped by the thrift shop to drop off donations.
Went inside and found 2 boxes of assorted doll house accessories.
Looked through both and bought one box.
It had so many sweet little unique and quite old items that will be lovely additions in my doll house.
Books with printed pages, metal cheese grater & sieve & spoon rack with the spoons.
A woven straw basket the size of my little finger nail, articulated scissors, Chinese checkers & backgammon, boxes of Cracker Jack and much more.
But the coolest is a teeny tiny jack knife that opens.

Then I went grocery shopping.
I slowly walked past the baked goods and candy and kept right on walking.
Bought potato salad fixins & fruit, tea & mayo.
Only bought the other things written on my list.

Showed Steven my miniatures all laid out on the coffee table.
After a short time he came back inside and said
"you said there were 2 boxes?"
then he put a twenty on the counter and told me to go back and buy the other box.

Tempting but I'm tired and it's hot out now.
I am very happy playing with what I have.

In a few minutes I will start watering the grass and garden.

Tatoulia, I am very sorry for you about your sister, but I am SO glad you stood up for yourself!

You are being very good about your money. It was sweet of your hairdresser to let you put it on account. Just be careful that you don't start snowballing expenses from month to month. I am proud of you toughing it out on the air conditioning. More walks! There is air conditioning in the mall. ;)

I used to take the kids to the library or the 75 cent movie theatre on super hot days.

Sounds like you have a nice weekend planned.

I am doing wash and hanging it on the clothesline. I have missed my clothesline!

Today I am struggling through piles of papers and also working a little on the basement. I have bravely put some bits and pieces into my wastebasket that "normal" people would put in the trash without a thought.

I think tomorrow I will drive up to the county seat and buy my fair ticket. I will also drop off things at a thrift store that is on the way, and bag up my wastebasket trash because I will need to get gas, so I can toss it out next to the pump.

I am not really sure when I buckled down on the basement. I got my new shelves 29 days ago this afternoon - so I started the work after that. But I was reading that most inpatient programs run 28 to 90 days. Since I worked on evaluations quite a bit at first, and had most of a week vacation with dh when he took off work, i'd say mine is going quite well.

Hanging on. Not going great. BF is helping me a lot with the grief from my sister. Won't bother to recount it but I finally let loose today as she has now upped the ante. And I told her off.

Cleaners are today, I hope! I've stripped my bed so they can make it for me! Someone is hogging the washer. But I did sneak in a load and now it's in the dryer.

This coming weekend, a girlfriend of mine has invited my mother and me over. We are looking forward to it. Then Sunday BF and I are visiting with our friends who have the two kids we love so much.

I am getting my hair cut & colored tonight. I'm short on cash but he'll let me pay him next week payday. He is very kind to me as he knows how much I do for my family.

BF and I are being very strong with both our families right now. We discussed our wills and he knows he gets my house and life insurance and he is leaving all of his real estate overseas to one of his sisters, who is less fortunate than the others. He's also stopped sending them extra money. He needs to do some planning for his US business and real estate, which again I think should go to his sister. I neither need nor want any of it. I changed will to protect him and take care of him. I have pensions, etc to take care of me so I'd prefer to see his sister get everything. He laughed when I mentioned that if he doesn't survive me it'll go to my rich friend. Then he said, she'll know how to handle it so that's a good choice.

So I'm obsessing. It's hard.

It's so hot here and I need that new AC in the living room. I can't afford it til next week.

Good Morning Everyone

Hi Subclinical
Sorry, didn't mean to scare you.
Yes, dangerous because out there I have the opportunity to buy cake fixins.

WTG! for less MOOP!
YEA! for DH acknowledging your changes!

You are doing GREAT making changes in the way you do things, learning new housekeeping habits, new ways of thinking about things!

It's not easy and it takes time to develop new habits.
At the pace you are going, by next Summer you will have those days where you can relax and do all the things you really want to do.
Decluttering and organizing will be conquered.
There will always be housework but not a backlog of it.

You are the best person to help dd2 if she wants help and will listen to you.

Sorry your Mom sounded exasperated.
At times you just need to be reassured you are making the right decisions.

Sorry about the moths.
Even in uncluttered homes those things still happen, we just notice the damage sooner. :(


Off to town...
Will think of diabetes and obesity whenever cake comes to mind.
I don't have them and I don't want them. ;P

Today is one of those days when it is hard to breathe.

I found some things in the basement with moth damage and I am not sure how I feel. It is sort of a getting hit when you are numb feeling - resignation?

I am looking out the window at a beautiful summer day. No rain at all in today's forecast. And I am imagining what it will be like next summer when I have a day like this and I actually have a garden out there to go enjoy. When everything doesn't feel like an uphill climb and I don't smell like stress all the time.

I have to believe that will happen.

Dh commented on the scullery this morning. He said "hey, it seems like there is less MOOP* in here." I said "there is." And then I told him about the counter cleaning and bag washing. He looked at me silently and I said "I know, you're thinking it shouldn't be this hard." And he said "I like to wash things as they get dirty." I said "i'm getting better." And he said "I know, I can see it."

*MOOP - "material out of place" - could be trash, could be dirty dishes or laundry, could be car keys, groceries, or mail. I like it because it is a very nonjudgmental term. It says nothing about the person the MOOP belongs to and nothing about the item except that it doesn't belong where it is.

I have to think of this as physical therapy for my brain.

Tillie, you frightened me.

You mean dangerous because you will want to buy cake, right?

I hope that you get a good break today and feel refreshed.

I put my clothes line back up yesterday and washed the cow curtains again and hung them to dry. Then I laid them on the bed in the room where I want to hang them. I am going to ask dh about it this weekend.

I talked to dd2 on the phone last night. she was shocked that I am still working on the basement with the nice weather this week. She thinks she is also a hoarder (I am not surprised.) she talked about shopping for the high and buying things and then not wearing them and needing to clean out her closet constantly (her biggies are shoes and clothes)

I really want to help her while she is young. (Also, I am noticing that a lot of stuff in my house is hers, so it would be nice for me if she made decisions sooner rather than later.)

I called my mom again yesterday. I think she is losing patience with me. She told me that if something had been given to me, it was mine and I should just do what I want with it. But she said it in an exasperated voice, not a reassuring voice.

I will talk with her when I go home next week. But for now I will stop calling and asking things.

There are some sentimental family things I am going to need her support on.

Good Evening Anyone

Have to get away from here tomorrow.
Trees were scheduled to be watered tomorrow so I watered them and the lilac hedge today.

Going into town will be dangerous for me.
Every time I sleep I dream that I'm making a cake.
Different type of cake every dream.
Angel food, German chocolate, devil's food cupcakes with chocolate fudge icing, etc...

I really want to eat a cake, a whole cake.

Put myself on a strict NO SUGAR diet and I'm suffering.

Too much stress around here with everything that never gets done and cake would make me happy.
So tomorrow I will go away for a few hours and I will try real hard not to think about cake.

Good Morning Everyone

Hi Subclinical
That's a lot of "baggies" needed washing.
WTG! getting to them.

I always wash mine when I wash the dishes and there's never more than three to do.

Having a video to listen to/watch does help when doing those kinds of tasks.
Keeps our minds occupied.


WAY TO GO! making yourself a real lunch!

This time of year I often will do a load of laundry, hang it out over night to dry & bring it in in the morning.
That way I'm not having to go out when it's too hot out and the stuff doesn't fade in the moonlight.

Slept badly last night.
Too many upsets on my mind from interacting with him yesterday.
He's still in bed and by the time he gets up he will say it's too hot to do yardwork.
When it's nicer in the evening he will say it's too late to do yardwork.

I am physically unable to do all that yardwork any more like I used to do.


There are a few dishes to wash, the usual cat related stuff to do and not much else.
Really need to cut & file my fingernails today.

This morning I cleared off the big counter in the scullery.

And then I put on a video, scrubbed out the sink, and spent an hour washing used ziploc bags that had piled up on the counter. After the first five bags I started to hate it, but I made myself continue until the counter was covered with tented up bags drying. It took the whole 58 minutes and change of the video.

Then I assessed the situation:
There were 28 bags, so it takes about two minutes to wash a bag.
When I consider the alternatives, I do not mind spending two minutes to wash a bag.
But ten minutes is my limit, so I cannot let them pile up, so I have to wash them right away, which means I have to keep space clear on which to dry them.

Then I decided I was hungry.

But it was too early for lunch, so I made myself put away a load of laundry and fix a real lunch before I ate.

There are 22 more bags waiting.

Tatoulia, I am glad you feel a little better. Your sister is not your responsibility. You care so very much, but it is not your job to fix her.

Enjoy your lunch. I'm glad the ladies brought it.

Tillie, I was horrified about the weed eater, but then I remembered that where you live, leaving it in the driveway does not mean it will be soaking wet by tomorrow. Hopefully he will actually use it today.

I don't think I will lose the punches again, because they will be in my work area in a drawer labelled "punches". Based on what else was in the bag, I still had children living at home when I bought them.

Today I have to go to the grocery. I will also drop off the boxes of frames.

Good Evening Ladies

Hi Subclinical
I'm glad your DH noticed and told you he appreciates the revolving art display and the unclutteredness of the new room. :)

If he keeps up with the positive reinforcement the ice cream stash won't go down so quickly.

YEA! that the punches will go into the cabinet and hopefully you will never forget about them again.

Hi Tatoulia
Stay strong (((HUG)))
Is there any chance you could tell her that her emails are upsetting you and you already have enough on your plate to try to deal with?


My muther would always tell me the most upsetting things, things I had no control over.
I would try to change the subject but she would persist.
I had to get very forceful with her that I would NOT listen to any more of her gossip.
Fortunately, my father was present during one session and he made her stop.

Sometimes we must speak up for ourselves, our mental welfare, our peace of mind.

Happy you got in some walking today.
Those endorphins feel so good.


Well, he got the handle properly attached to the new weed eater, read the manual and got it fired up, works as it should.
Then he turned it off and laid it down in the driveway and went into the garage where he has remained ever since.

I watered the grass & garden this evening.
There is a lovely breeze and it was so pleasant to be outdoors.
The rosebush I planted on Poohkie's grave has a beautiful deep red rosebud blooming on it this evening.
She would have loved to eat that.

I'm better at the moment. Thank you so much for being here for me. Thank you so much for supporting me. Thank you.

Bf did a bit of the walk with me and I cried and mentioned the things that were pressuring me and we sort of laughed about it. I like to laugh my life away. After he went back to work, I just walked and walked and walked and walked. I took one break to write to my sister and tell her how sad I am that I cannot help her and her BF. She's been escalating things and I've been proud of myself for staying strong but it's still a terrible burden for me to carry. I offered my car, she didn't get back to me, so I've done what I can do. She just sends emails with escalating problems and it is putting pressure on me.

I feel like my responsibilities are getting the better of me right now.

So I walked and walked and walked and I am much improved.

And yay Tigger. Strong heart beat. Vet shaved a big portion of his fur because he's no longer grooming himself and he's giving us some issues when we try. So she shaved off one of the mats. Poor kitty.

SubC you are remarkable. I am so proud and pleased and happy and inspired!!!! Yes let's hope it's contagious and that both Steven and I catch it ASAP.

Tillie he listened and acted! Excellent! Now let's get rid of the old weeders since they've proven to be irreparable yet replaceable!!!

The walk helped my spirits. But mainly, it was your support. We will get through this, together. Thank you so much. I knew I could count on you.

I will read your posts. I have skimmed them but not digested them.

Ps cleaning ladies told me around 3 that they could come today or Wednesday but I could tell they wanted to do Wednesday because she said there were only two of them. And so I said Wednesday works and she said, okay let me bring you your lunch. She dropped it off at 5:00. That's very loving and very sweet.

My little metal drawers will be perfect for the punches! I actually still have some drawers empty in them because I have been slow about organizing and very picky about what is "drawer worthy".

Tatoulia, I am happy about tigger, but poor you.

Can you tell us about what is troubling you? I also want to know if there is anything at all we can do. I am so sorry to hear that something that should be bringing you joy is causing you pain. You give so much happiness away, you deserve bushels for yourself!

Dh mentioned tonight that he had noticed that I have not "invaded" the new room. (I did put one picture of each of our birth kids on top of the piano) and thanked me. Then he said that he noticed that I had left most the boxes under his speakers empty (stacked cubes, open in front) and that he had been enjoying the revolving art display. So I put two more pieces of pottery in them.

Hi Subclinical
I hope those cool little copper punches fit neatly into that multi-drawer craft tool cabinet.

WAY TO GO!!!
Especially proud of you for letting that unfinished project go!
Sometimes it's just best to move on from somethings.

YEA! for getting outdoors and doing all you did!
It's good to switch it up and do some indoor and outdoor in a day.

I too wish you & Tatoulia were contagious and could infect Steven. ;)

Hi Tatoulia
Is there anything we can do or say to help smooth you out?
So sorry, so very very sorry (((((HUG)))))

Tigger's heart is strong and his organs are fine. Dr thinks he's still enjoying life.

Meanwhile I'm so frazzled that I can't stop crying. I'm trying to walk the mall but I'm crying too much. I'm extremely sad and frazzled. Stuff I should be proud about is just causing me pain and sadness. Thank you all for being here for me.

Cleaners came too late/I had to go to tigger's dr appt and so they dropped off my food and said they'd see me Wednesday. I thought that was really nice.

Omygoshomygoshomygosh!

Crosspost!

Tillie, that us WONDERFUL!

Tatoulia, I hope the cleaners came and made you feel calm and cozy. I am worrying about you a little bit. I hope your bf is taking good care of you for us.

CM, did you take your vitamin?

Tillie, that is a lot of stuff.

This morning i disbudded (horns) the last pair of baby goats. I also trimmed some trees up higher to walk under, took the compost out, burned the burn box, and carried a box of things that have turned up in my basement out to my studio. - At one point I bought some cool little copper punches, and then I "cleaned up" the bag into the basement (probably to clear the table for dinner) forgot about them and never unpacked them!

Some of the other things in that bag went straight to the donate box. (I'm not counting any more).

I spent three hours struggling with an unfinished project I found that seemed like a great idea at the time, and then stuck the project and all its associated stuff in the donate box too.

(Wish that was contagious and I could infect Steven for you)

And I made dinner.

He actually listened to me!!!!!!!!!!


He returned home with a new in the box weed eater bought at a regular store!!!!!!!!

He is assembling it now.

It is more powerful and more versatile than that old piece of broken crap.

Cost $100.00.

Now lets see if I can get him to use it everywhere it's desperately needed.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Little after 2pm here.

I just had a bit of lunch.

Have filled half the back seat & floor of the car with donations.
Looking for more to add to my
"Going Out Of Business" sale.
I will no longer cook or bake like I used to when there were people here to share the food with.

I kept 4 square Tupperware containers of various sizes and 4 round containers of various size.
Viciously pruned down my cooking & baking utensils.
Found some clothes in good condition, acceptable style & color but "I'm just not into them".


He has gone shopping to purchase things to use to try to fix that old ancient broken weed eater.
Financially it is not logical to dump more money into it.
Also, he has no expertise in fixing anything mechanical.
And he does not have the patience to even try properly.

Hi Tatoulia
Hope you get your wish for lots of calming evening walks.
(((hug)))

Very frazzled. Am walking but not my nighttime soothing walks. Hopefully tonight. Cleaners'may be coming today.

Need to soothe my frazzled soul.

Good Morning Everyone

Hi CriticalMass
Wonderful that you visited the art museum exhibit!
Wishing you even more exciting experiences this Summer.

Hi Subclinical
Good luck getting the barn all set up for the baby sitter.
So very sorry Dh doesn't understand that you can't do it all at once.
That this takes time and you have been doing an absolutely amazing job with what you've done there.
Going from 5 boxes down to 2 is fantastic progress in the right direction.
Well over 100 items out this month was so wonderful to hear.
We "see" you (((HUG)))

Hi Tatoulia (((hug)))


Yesterday morning I got 2 loads of laundry done and sharpened the knives.
Then was feeling sickly, laid down and took a nap.
Felt crummy the rest of the evening.


Steven got out one of his several old used broken weed eaters and spent a few minutes swearing violently at it as he tried fixing it.
Gave up and retired back into the hoarded squalorous stinking garage.

If he had invested in one new weed eater instead of buying old used broken ones he would have spent less money overall.
He said he asked his "friend" to help but the "friend" declined.

Good Morning!

CM, that is great about your food.

I am feeling a little bit better this morning.

I am reminding myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. My goals for June were my closet - did that, and 50 things - blew that away!

My basement is a summer goal. And I have two more months in summer.

I am going to visit my mom the first week of July. So, my goals for this week are to get the barn in good shape for the farm sitter, and to think of areas/items I might want to offer my mom and sort those out. These may very well not be in the basement.

It is not supposed to rain until 10:00 today, so I will do some work outside this morning.

Hi SubC - you're blessed to have an accountability partner! And like you, I still tend to push back at the accountability.

Food is getting easier to handle again - getting back into the groove I was in when I had my big weight loss. Was in the grocery store pushing my cart by the Hostess and Little Debbie - I haven't bought those for a long time anyway (though I've bought the occasional bakery cake on markdown). But I felt the chill feeling, like "I could buy those if I wanted but I don't want to." Neutral. Not judging them wonderful or terrible, just not particularly interesting. And on by to what I did come to get.

Tillie, we cross posted because my Russian novel took so long to write!

Going to get my vitamins to take with supper.

Also, Tillie, I just realized that I thought at you but didn't post thank you for sharing that memory.

That is the kind of future thing I am thinking about when I save stuff, but then I save too much stuff and it is overwhelming and there is not enough space for the good things to happen.

CM, I like your Russian novels! But I would still like to have you come by more often.

I hate to say this, but I have a studio - I cluttered it.

I am also a huge fan of Georgia O'Keefe. And Beatrice Wood. And Tasha Tudor. I like independent, artsy old women!

I am glad you have started on your goals! Hopefully the drive will feel good.

Tillie, thank you for the kind words.

Dh has been trying very hard to help, but sometimes he doesn't know what to do with me. And he does man stuff. Today I started telling him about finding two more frames when I was cleaning up, and I was all ready to tell him I had gone from five boxes and some loose frames to two boxes, when he interrupted and said I should keep maybe two frames.

I told him that was unrealistic. He should imagine that I was trying to do 50 push-ups. You don't tell me to start with 40! I can't do one push up, so if I tell you I did five STAIR pushups, you say that is a good start and try to help me to six! If I get to ten, maybe I drop down a step...

I cry a lot. This afternoon he sat in the new room so that he could ask me if I was really hungry when I headed for the food. It made me grumpy, but it was helpful. I told him "I want to eat because it makes me feel better!" And he said "go outside and do something. So I partly weeded the front flower bed.

I think I am going to get him to help me make a plan for tomorrow.

Hi

Keeping in touch again, hope you are all having a good Sunday.

Yesterday roommate and I went to Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit at art museum. I want to check out a bio of her and a coffee table book of her art from the library. Anytime I have a chance to look at someone who had a true vocation, career, calling, I am in amazement. I sure had thought at one time I would.

She was so independent, moving out to the desert. I can relate to the wanting to find a special place, although she could apparently handle her independence WAY better than I am able to. If I go too far away from my home or am too isolated, here comes the anxiety. Then too, by the time she was well known she had the money to affect her situation in ways I don't.

And she was focused and disciplined - she had things, but wasn't a hoarder. She had many ideas - and was able to finish things, something I struggle with. Sigh. But it was still nice to see the exhibit, to reconnect with my fine art side. It's been such a long while since I even went out to something like an art exhibit. Felt kind of strange even. Must do so more often so it doesn't feel so strange.

As for my goals I laid out in my post the other day:
* I've started taking the vitamin supplements. No huge change yet - I feel kind of stirred up, whether that's change starting to happen or just how I'm feeling, I couldn't say. I had a bit of a cry last night, which probably let off some steam. Felt kind of blah this morning; going to Mass lifted me up a bit.
* I've gone on social media less, and when I do limited my Barbie group time.

So that's a start.

Sometimes I still can't help wondering about whether I'm on the autism spectrum. I don't need any more labels, the Lord knows, and I've had so much therapy in the past I got very burnt out on it - but since autism is in my maternal line cousins, the wondering is there. I guess if I concluded I have the condition, I could talk to some other people with it. I end up doing that sometimes anyway, since the things I know I have overlap with it.

Oh well. I guess if I need to know, I'll know.

In the meantime, and on a more mundane level, I need to go out here in a bit, and get a few essential groceries. I had wanted to go out driving last night when my emotions were messy but it was kind of late. So a little trip hopefully will be fun, provided people aren't annoying on the road or in the store!

Tillie - I'm sorry Steven is such a mess, and I wish there was a way to extricate you from the situation and not lose pension or whatever it was that you have put up with him for. I'm glad you do have Nate & Mrs. Nate as fallback, but I want you to be safe if a fire started. I suppose water is at a premium so it's probably impractical to suggest spraying some on the bushes.

Just be safe...

SubC, glad your dad did well with the heart procedure. And I sure feel your daughter's pain with the anxiety, especially work-related type.

Homemade ice cream - yum, nothing like it in the world.

WTG on 98 things and counting!

Blocks and dolls are nice keepers, in reasonable numbers. I'm debating how to deal with my Barbies. There is a rollie cart at the storage unit for them, but I've been liking having quite a few of them with me at the house here. At least till I can sew a few outfits and do more photography, and make a list of which ones I have. So for the ones here, I think I may go up from shoebox to sweater box size (but fewer of the latter). It won't take up any more space if I turn the sweater boxes long side forward.

Could also relate to you and hubby and the general space situation. I've kind of encroached on my roommate's spaces with my clutter, though I've been aware and working to reverse that. Especially the sewing area I mentioned earlier. And I LIKE space - I WANT it - and I am savoring it when I go other places, trying to imprint on my brain how good it feels.

I'm such a nester. Where I sit on the sofa is like a nest with drink, computer, current projects nearby. Would like to change that, to the working style of bringing out one project to a proper work space, working on it, being able to put it away... I know this is going to sound like First World Problems, but I really need a studio.

Tatoulia, wise decision to rest when your body asks for it. Hope the kitty will be wanting to curl up with you.

Best wishes again for boyfriend's kitty. I can relate to hoping many years ago I wouldn't ever have to decide to have a bunny put down, but my poor Annie in '02 had end stage kidney disease and was deteriorating. It was gut wrenching. If an animal lives a long life I can handle their passing, and would probably be able to handle having them PTS. It's the young ones with mysterious illness, and the ones that were fine but got into contraband that I didn't realize and nothing could be done - those senseless early demises broke me into pieces.

We had a big rainstorm in the evening last night and another round woke me about 5:00 a.m. with lots of thunder and lightning. The air from the cold front felt nice last night but overall we've had so much rain the past 2-3 months that with it heating up now, we're going to be in for some pretty miserable humidity I fear.

Sorry I keep writing Russian novels - I'll try to check in often enough that my posts can be shorter again!

Subclinical
You really have turned the corner.
You are taking control and no longer allowing the clutter to be in control.

"I want my life to be easier now."

I promise you it will be easier once the backlog is cleared, sorted, organized and purged.
(((HUG)))

WAY TO GO!!! for 121 items!

Use the anger but do not direct it to yourself.
Direct it to fixing the problem.

YEA! for your stubbornness superpower!!!

My Granma had some of those blocks in the bottom drawer of the buffet in the diningroom for me to play with.
She also had some old wooden clothes pins painted up to look like people in there.

Just one of my first memories. :)

Some colored blocks, some alphabet blocks, and some shaped blocks that make a castle. Also wooden castle people.

I packed up the picture frames and found two more to donate - so 100!

I got out the big bin of doll clothes, accessories, and dishes and sifted through it. I put the dishes in two little drawers, the clothes in a small bin, and am going to put the accessories and blankets in another small bin. I put 21 items in a gallon ziploc bag to donate, plus I have two doll blankets to donate that wouldn't fit in the bag.

I want my life to be easier now.

I am going to get this basement sorted out.
I am going to get all the inappropriate stuff off the floors in my house.
I am going to have space to do the things I want to do
And when I want something, I am going to be able to find it.

I am tired
I am frustrated
I am getting fat
I am letting a lot of other stuff slide
I am angry that I did this to myself.

But stubbornness is my superpower.

Good Morning Everybody

Hi Subclinical
Makes me happy you have tape on you. :)

Sounds like a very pleasant evening you had.

WAY TO GO! dropping off those 4 bags of recycle!
That makes a huge difference when obvious recycle, compost and trash go away.

Are those brightly painted wooden children's type blocks?
Wonderful that you won't be buying any more bins.
Good luck finding a solution that feels easy.

Someday when your kids are older and more settled in their own homes and lives your life will be easier.
Things you keep for them, they will then keep.
Things you have but no longer need can go to them to use and enjoy.

Scooter was paying attention, he is scouting out an escape route.

My first cat dropped dead suddenly in the driveway one August afternoon - we assume it was a heart attack as she was extremely fat.

The cat before mr. kitty went blind, got very thin, and smelled bad but enjoyed food and sleeping. The last four days of his life, he wandered in circles, but still purred when you pet him. My family wanted him put down. He stopped eating the last two days and they wanted him put down. He was still purring in my lap, which is what he did pretty much all day the last day when he was refusing water, and he was still purring at 1 a.m. when I tucked him into a cardboard box full of soft towels and went to bed. He was already cold in the morning.

Other cats have just asked to be let outside and never returned. Only one had to be put down. She had end stage liver disease and was in pain.

My girls put a piece of tape on me and wrote their brother's name on it. They told his girlfriend that if she married him, she would have to take care of me when I am old. She said she was cool with that. She is now his wife and still on my tape.

We went to the mall to get dh pants but didn't shop for me. Instead we called our kids who live near the mall and took them out fir dinner. Then we went back to their place to admire the screened porch Dd created out of their covered patio and to cook s'mores in their back yard.

We also dropped off the recycling at the municipal drop. Dh and I created four paper grocery bags of recycling this month. Although that included water bottles from the food bank and that bag of cardboard tubes I found - which squashed down.

I need another large bin for blocks.
All my large bins are full.
I am not buying more bins.

So, my choices are:
Leave the blocks on the basement floor
Get rid of the blocks
Empty a large bin by removing the stuff in it.

I do have a small bin, so if I can rehome/discard part of the stuff in a large bin, I can put the rest in a small bin.

I don't know if I can face any of them right now though. I need to come up with a category that feels easy. Or find a way to make a category feel easy - the way seeing all the beautiful inexpensive frames at the thrift store made it easy to purge frames.

Steven got up about 3pm and was headed out to the garage.
I went out on the back porch where he was and brought up the subject of all the weeds and fire danger.
Pointed out the side yard and the back yard and the front yard out where he has those derelict vehicles and all the tall weeds growing.

He said "umhum"
Then he said "finally was able to get some sleep".
And he walked into the garage and has remained in there.


I went out this evening and watered the garden & grass.
Scooter & Twinkles came out with me.
Scooter jumped the fence again and didn't come when I called.
Finally he came back, walked right up to me looking guilty but happy to be home.

Hi Tatoulia

I've had a lot of pets in my life and no matter how hard I wish it they never peacefully pass on their own in their sleep.
But I was always there to hold them.

Old cats get scrawny, don't eat much, feel chilly and want warm laps and sleep a LOT.
If they are showing no signs of stress they are alright.
They really enjoy those naps and naps make them happy.

Good luck recliner shopping.
Maybe it won't be too hard to find what you need, good price and delivery included.

Hope you can get in your meditative walk tomorrow so you can work out the frazzles. (((HUG)))

Nate put tape on me back when he was still a little kid. ;D

Great job SubC!!! I am so proud of you!!! Wow!!! I hope it's contagious because I haven't done a thing for my house all day. I did two loads of delicates (yes I split things up laundry wise. I am who I am). I need to get motivated! Actually I am motivated but I'm using it all toward my physical health/food/walking.

I did not get enough walking in today. Things kept getting in my way, which that it is 10 PM and I'm with the cats.

I rested for a bit then BF called and we tried a new restaurant. Delicious, expensive, won't be a go-to place for us. But beautiful. We were hoping to find a replacement for a place that we used to enjoy four times a week. That's okay. We probably shouldn't eat out that much.

We were going to go for a nice long walk, but first I needed to drop off the butter and margarine and cat food I'd picked up for mom. Earlier in the day I'd dropped off some bread and her sunglasses. (I took her Christian Dior glasses from the 80s and had plain dark lenses put in). Anyway, I left there and was headed home when I stopped at Lobstah on a Roll to sit outside and hunt for my keys. When I mentioned I must've left them at mom's, the restaurant owner gave me a chowder to take to mom's. I thought that was really nice. He sees me all the time going from my apt to mom's. So that was nice. I did find my keys. At mom's. Meanwhile mom had broken her recliner so my BF came over to fix it. Well it has more problems than we can solve so now I have to get her a new one. I'm pretty frazzled here. Very frazzled.

So I have a kitty on my lap and another one who's playing with a paper straw.

BF is backing off putting Tigger to sleep and I'm supporting him, for now. He wants to consult with the dr. His employee also says that the cat is fine. So we shall see what Monday brings. But we are getting to the end and I need BF to find peace with it. I know it would be easier for BF if the cat to just pass on without assistance.

I'm frazzled. And I didn't get a long walk in. I did about five miles with errands and running between mom's and my house but not the soothing walking where I just cruise the mall and sort out my brain. It's well after 10.

Tillie I'm glad that Nate and Mrs Nate have already put the piece of masking tape on you. (That's what we used to do, put masking tape then write our names).

Im just too frazzled today. And tomorrow now has to include buying a recliner. BF is giving me his credit card so I don't have to use mine.

Hi Subclinical

WOW! just WOW!!!!!!!
You found so many things to release!
FANTASTIC!

Hope you find a magical pair of black dress pants that look and feel perfectly.

YEA! for making a space for Dh's workout bag so it is put away and not looking like clutter in a corner.

You have done so much more this month than the challenge you set for yourself.
When we work at making all those hard keep/toss/donate/recycle decisions it's like exercising our muscles.
The more we work at it the stronger our decision making muscles get.

Steven would encroach on my empty spaces if I didn't fiercely defend them at all times.
He also wants to keep almost all my cast-offs, even gets things out of the trash.
If he dies before me then I will have to re-declutter things I decluttered ages ago.

I'll take a tub of our vanilla ice cream
then top it with peaches. ;D

Good Afternoon Everyone

Hi Tatoulia
Thank You (((HUG)))
But Nate and then Mrs. Nate too put "dibs" on me years ago that they would come get me and I would live with them and they would see I have whatever I need.
Nate would like to have a commune of the three of us, grow veggies, have hens and I would make rag rugs & beeswax candles to sell.
Nate has been doing blacksmithing and starting up an engine repair business.

I'm happy that you have no scheduled appointments and can lay down and rest.

Of course you are down in the dumps.
These days before we have to say goodbye to a loved one are always very hard.
Please be extra kind to yourself, my thoughts are with you.


Quarter to two pm and he's still in bed...

Tatoulia, never apologize for feeling down. We want to be here for you when you are tired or sad too, not just to celebrate!

Tillie, I wish I could give you ice cream!

I'm sorry about Steven and the prozac. Guess it didn't matter to him that it was going something for other people...

Last Christmas, my kids were telling stories and we were all laughing and one said "I swear, next year everyone is getting therapy for Christmas." I said "I don't want therapy." And she said "you getting therapy is going to be everyone else's present!" Then another kid yelled "too late!" But we were all laughing, so they only mean it little bit.

Dh used to do that getting rid of his stuff to have space, and then I would encroach on the space. Also, I would save his stuff, because I was sure he was going to be sorry he got rid of it. And I felt bad that he was getting rid of good stuff when I was saving less good stuff. But I didn't stop...

It really took me a long time to understand that empty space is important "stuff" to him. So when I filled up his space, I was basically taking his stuff.

This morning he helped me hang pictures in the guest room. In the process of hanging pictures, I found 18 more frames (some with "store" art in them) that can go.

Also, I finished my closet. I found an eye mask, a glasses case, a hair band, a scarf, 7 more sweaters, a skirt, two blouses, and a storage basket that can go.

I am freezing ice cream, and I found two replacement paddles that do not fit my ice cream maker, so they can go too!

That is 35 things! I am up to 98! I am totally going to find at least two more things in the next week, so I will double my goal!

I am very happy with my guest room.

And my closet looks so nice. I even moved my mending basket out of the bedroom onto a closet shelf and made enough space under the bottom shelf so that dh can put his workout bag there instead of in the corner of the bedroom where it looks messy.

Dh asked me "so, do I need to take you shopping?" And I told him "no, because I still have too many clothes. But if you wanted to buy me a pair of black dress pants that looked really good on me, that would be ok." I kept my black dress pants, but they are the only thing that probably still won't fit if I lose ten pounds.

He says maybe we will go to the mall this weekend because he needs to pick up the pants he had altered, and if we do, we can look.

I know you don't need a safety net, Tillie, and I know that you are resourceful, but if you ever take the cats and run, I'll send you some pocket money through Corey.

I have done only modest walking today. I went to visit BF then I stopped to see mom. I also went to Whole Foods to buy yogurt and granola, and I just had some as a snack.

Today was the day I was supposed to take that girl from the troubled family to the museum. I assume her father said no and I didn't follow up. If she reaches out, we can always reschedule. But I know when I brought it up to the dad he wasn't enthusiastic. He said, oh she loves art and left it at that. I'm not getting in the way.

I'm laying down for a minute on my bed. I'm overheated for no reason.

I'm so sorry about your daughter's anxiety attack, SubC. You handled it so beautifully.

I'm sorry. I'm tired and a bit down in the dumps. I'm going to lay on my bed for a while.

Good Morning Everyone

Hi Subclinical
That was good advice you gave your DD
to be the adult in the situation.

I could really use some of your ice cream.

So glad your Father came through that procedure and is doing alright!
That is a scary one for sure. (((HUG)))

WAY TO GO!!!
All the way up to 63 now!

Hope there is more sunshine in the near future for you, sunshine always helps with everything.


Got down in the high 40s over night, 62 degrees now.
Tempted to get out a space heater but refusing to because it's SUMMER.

Steven has alienated so many people due to his nasty negative mean personality.
There is one man that I guess you could say is his friend but he never comes over to the house.
The other year he was prescribed Prozac and started taking it. There was a very nice positive difference in his outlook but he quit taking it saying it did nothing for him.

The more he hoards & squalors and neglects the place the more I do to minimalize my possessions, clean and maintain my "No Clutter Zones".
I am running out of things to purge.
If he would start decluttering and cleaning up I know I would be able to stop getting rid of my things.
It's like a perverted form of anorexia to always be going through my items and getting rid of them.
Nothing has any meaning or value or use to me any more.

The tall weeds are posing a GREAT fire danger.

Today I want to have a conversation with him about the state of the property, the roof repair and the finances.
Not about the hoard/hoarding.
He will just sit there and stare at me, no responses to anything I say.
It is all so frustrating.

I will get the two cats out and let it burn...

Hi everybody!

Tillie, I wanted to wish you a happy solstice, but I was putting it off to report and then my day just fell apart.

We did have a break in the rain and the sun was out almost all day as our celebration.

Steven's life sounds dreadful. Does he have any friends?

My dad had his heart medically stopped and restarted yesterday to fix his heartbeat. It worked. He is ok.

I worked in my closet and I have a pile but I will list that later. I also got rid of a container and a book - 63.

And one of my children, who has an anxiety disorder, burst through my front door crying and gasping and announced "I can't breathe!" Followed by "i'm Okay" when I shot to my feet like a startled turkey. Then she collapsed into incoherent sobbing and gasping. She is ok. It is work related. Her boss is not a grown up.

She called me later and told me she was starting to get all stressed out again thinking about Monday. I said "on Monday, you are going to go in and act like it never happened. There is nothing you can do about it right now, so you are going to be an adult and do your boss the favor of pretending that he didn't embarrass himself."

Also, I told her to start looking for a new job, but that is complicated because she may want to move to a new state in a year.

So, yeah.

Also I made cheese and I have ice cream mix ready for the ice cream maker today. It's going to rain all day again, so dh said he would help me hang a couple of pictures.

CM, how are you doing?

Tatoulia, pet the kitties for me too.

Good Evening Everybody

Hi Tatoulia
Very happy you are spending quality time with Kitty.
You have your priorities straight.


Still doing that "Gentle Art Of Swedish Cleaning".
Today I sold off all my old nickels and wheat back pennies.

Got rid of assorted small miscellaneous.

Have a pile of things in the car to donate next time I venture into town.

Played with my doll house a little today.

First day of Summer here started off chilly. Got down in the 50s over night.
Had to fetch my extra blanket from it's shelf.
Never got higher than the low 70s today.
Beautiful! ;D

Had an Oriole visiting.
He wanted apricots but when he saw they are not ripe enough yet he went to the mulberry tree and ate berries.

Tillie that's so awful. Just awful. I'm speechless.

I'm home, at my house with my kitty. Between walking all the time and taking care of the cats, I don't have a lot of time. So my little buddy and I are cuddling.

I'll write more tmr. I need to just spend some time with my baby cat.

WELCOME SUMMER

Hi Tatoulia
Sounds like you enjoyed a lovely evening. :)
The baby sat kitties appreciate you. (((hug)))


Hi Subclinical
My menu plan was just so that you would eat proper nutritious food and not hate yourself for eating only crap all day.
All I ate for weeks after having to put my kitty down was just crap and I am paying for that dearly now.

Everything here has gotten greatly worse since Steven quit work.
The property is completely overgrown with tall weeds now from all the rain we got.
His hoard is now occupying half the driveway and he just keeps adding to it.
His bedroom is disgusting.
He has been sleeping on a bare mattress covering himself with a bathrobe at night.
Dirty clothes heaped high everywhere.
Old dried up cat vomit piles everywhere cause he never cleans it up.
He spends all his time in the garage hoard drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes saying he is cleaning and organizing the hoard out there.
I peeked in and it's still a hoarded squalorous stinky filthy mess.
He stays out there until about 3:00am and then comes in and sleeps in his nasty room until late afternoon.
Then gets up, does not shower but once or twice a week, goes "shopping" returns home and goes into the garage.
He looks horrid, smells horrid and talking to him about anything is simply horrid.


I have been watching the hundreds of apricots on my tree slowly start to change color from green to apricot.

Tillie,

I appreciate your menu idea. The problem is that I just eat. I eat until my stomach hurts. I eat carrots and broccoli and many fruits and some nuts and sometimes bread just to try to make my stomach full. I want to eat ice cream and chocolate and cheese and sometimes I eat all the other things trying not to and then give up anyway. I use up too much of my energy trying to do the cleaning out work, and something else falls apart instead.

Usually if I can avoid the ice cream until dh comes home, I can avoid it completely.

I didn't bake or make cheese today because I was afraid I would just eat it.

Tatoulia, I forgot to say that your blanket shelf is awesome!

CM, I think you did ok. I would have caved for fifty cents for sure! I am wondering if you can just bag all the extra Barbie parts and donate instead of worrying about matching them up. It seems like someone like you or me might be happy to find them and do their own matching.

You have a strong plan to get your feet under you.

How can we best support you?

I talked with dh about the weight and my day and cried over my grandfather and missing my cousin. He is trying to help me come up with a plan to get back in the pool soon. (The thing he can help, since there is nothing he can do about my grandfather and kidnapping my cousin and bringing her to me might be over the top)

What a dear story about the outfits, SubC. I'm thrilled you can still wear the skirt and that you've decided to relocate the top. WTG on the 61 items!!! You are fantastic!!

CM and SubC, I unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on point of view) do not understand dolls or doll collecting. I think you've outlined a good plan CM. How can we get you the vitamins you need? I like that you recognize the need to take care of body and mind. Good first step!!

Tillie I love your menu for SubC. You are so sweet and so clever. And there's a lot to be said for allowing the sweets at the end of the night.

I'm had a very good walk with my friend. We walked the mall and then I took the longest way up to see BF. he was going to walk me home but I was so hungry so we stopped at a nice coffee shop and I ordered the sweet potato sandwich. SO DELICIOUS. Arugula, tomato, goat cheese and honey. I have them leave off the avocado. While he relaxed, I ran a few baked goods up to mom. So I got a quick mom visit in.

Now I'm downstairs with the neighbor's cats.

I didn't get a bag together today. Tomorrow and weekend. I ran out of time. Very busy at work. And then I had to leave right at 5 to meet friend for walk.

Well I will go home and shower soon. Clean sheets. Pretty excited. So I didn't accomplish everything but I did accomplish some things. And I feel good about my day. I'll also get garbage together but too dark to take out now. (I have to put in alley). I love having this dear sleeping cat in me.

CM I support your need to keep a car. I'm excited about my decision to not replace my car. I'll keep mine at least until September and then I'll decide from there what to do. I'm sorry you don't like walking, it is terrific exercise. I think about joining the Y again but for right now the mall walking is making me really happy.