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Hoarding Help Message Boards : Welcome to the new board! : Do I help or don't I
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Do I help or don't I

Posted: 10 September 2014 - 03:30 PM
Wow! Now yesterday I thought, why would a new person be not welcome in chat or anyone at anytime for that matter.

It is a public chatroom, so therefore welcome to everyone and hopefully everyone will be welcomed by anyone in it.

For those wanting/needing to speak privately, there are chat rooms you can set up online just for yourselves, although here it seems to be public 24/7. It is really quite easy and a great option for when a person wants privacy, which we all do sometimes as well.

diane, It is very unfortunate that being in groups cause a loss of control with any distraction, although I guess there is not much you can do about and it must be very challenging. No judgement and hope we all can move forward will kindness and support here on the boards.

Upon reading "Suzie's" confession I was a bit shocked, although the fact remains it seems there was a private chat going on and she was not welcome from the sounds of it.

Now I don't know as I was not there and while I think it is great for whoever it was to admit they were not a new person named "Suzie" and I guess there was a lie about that, it seems the experience was what it was.

On a lucky note it apparently was someone who made up a name to go in and see what was going on in chat, although it does not sound what they reported to be ok. It is unclear whether menmber/aka Suzie lied about that?

Karl, am not sure what about when "member/aka.Suzie" entered chat room that made it a bad time and atypicl. To me I am hearing alot of that, which really seems more commen than exceptions.

Dianne, that was gracious of you to apologize although it does seem there has not been any change around what the experience was.....rather that it was someone here who is known and went in under a differnt name.

Again I am new.... There does not seem to be times posted we are unwelcome to enter chatroom due to private chats.

So it sounds like member/Suzie's "lie" was not about what she experienced, although rather being in with a different name.

At any rate I think it is sad and yes should all be welcome in every part of the website at all times...whether new or older.

Sounds like some maybe out of charachter lately and communication failures(I hope that is the explaination).

Really do hope this is and can stay a positive and welcoming place for us new folks to settle in with the rest of you.

Posted: 10 September 2014 - 09:16 AM
Last night I was disturbed by my behavior here. I logged in this morning to tell Karl he was absolutely right about my question. And to add that it was strident and ugly and certainly didn't belong anywhere much less on the Welcome board.

Now I see how very wrong I was and I am ashamed. My deepest apologies go out to Tillie and Diane. I also apologize to all those I offended who read my unacceptable question. Please forgive me.

Suzie, thank you for your admission. That could not have been easy.

For myself I have learned a big lesson and will refrain from being so confrontational.

Posted: 10 September 2014 - 02:59 AM
The message board uses Central Time, so it's two hours later than Pacific Time.
Posted: 10 September 2014 - 12:58 AM
Where do these post start??I live in San Diego and my post went out at 12:52, and I have 10:52??!!
Posted: 10 September 2014 - 12:52 AM
I got home from a 3 month road trip back east from west coast and attempted to do route 66!! 12 days into Illinois, I decided to go back to San Diego. I got sick of trying to find a new hotel every night with a dog, living out of a suitcase, driving, eating, and touring!! oh, yeah, got home for a week and headed up to Oakland! Left there early for the same reasons. We arrived on the 29th, had a bite to eat and took a nap. I felt great after my 2 hour nap and started fall or deep cleaning! I mean vacuuming ceilings, washing walls and to the floors by hand. So from the 29 to 2, I did the bathroom, laundry room, hallway, and everything in dining room, except the 3 shelves in a closet. Then my hot flashes really took over-not sleeping well at night, anxiety, anger, irritable, crying, no motivation, and got back on the internet(FB, google, and this web site!!) So I have been really frustrated this last week!! I did do errands, book clubs, visiting with friends and venting. BUT... today I got drugs from my PRIMARY, yes I got my hormone medication!!! I have taken one dose, but, I feel better already!! Tomorrow is another day and I hope to pick up where I left off last week!! I'm sorry this is so winded, my first time on message board about me!! I also start my new job on Monday, Sept 15!! If you have any tips to keep me motivated, I sure would appreciate them???!! Thanks for listening and reading this!
Posted: 09 September 2014 - 11:50 PM
I lied. I was in chat earlier and had to leave because they were having a private chat. I signed in with the name "Suzie" so I could see if they were talking about me, when they asked me to leave I first read everything they wrote to make sure nothing was said about me. Then I made up the story about being here as a new person, and hoped to get them in trouble. Sorry
Posted: 09 September 2014 - 04:34 PM
I don't like the question "Are you calling her a liar" -- it's entirely possible for two people to have different interpretations of the same incident without either of them lying.

Suzie, you must have arrived shortly after I left; I know something about what was going on. What you encountered was atypical -- you unfortunately arrived at exactly the wrong time. Please do come back and see how the chat is normally used.
Posted: 09 September 2014 - 03:26 PM
I assume people tell the truth here. And my natural tendency is to stand up for people who have been hurt.

Tillie, you say, "...that is not at all what happened." Are you calling her a liar?

I have always felt that longstanding members here have more responsibility to be careful in how they make newcomers feel. Tillie, you have always been wonderful with that. People come with pain, shame and need understanding and support. In my opinion there is no place here for tough love or saying whatever we want here with no apologies necessary. You and I have disagreed on that before.

When someone feels like they cannot come here and they are upset then something happened. Of course there are different perspectives as to what went on. I wasn't there. But I saw the hope in Suzie's first post and saw the upset in her second post.

Of course you don't have to defend yourself. If you want to fine. If not that's cool too. I just hope that if people who leave happen to come back they can read that they are wanted here.

I think you and I are strong enough friends to be able to talk openly, even confrontationally and be able to resolve any issue and remain supportive.

peace and love ~~
Posted: 09 September 2014 - 02:39 PM
I was there and that is not at all what happened.

But you all can go ahead and believe whatever you want.
Posted: 09 September 2014 - 01:15 PM

Your not alone......I too have recently had a very similar experience. There are lots of very "good" people here and we want to support you.

A tip I found is that in using "firefox"....I had to download it only use it to go into chat, as otherwise I too could not type and would get froze etc.

At meeting time there are more of us in there and we want to have a nice sized group and will do out best to stick up for and put a stop to any negative unsupportive behavior.

I am sure the owner of this site would be or is disappointed to be finding out how some are behaving here, although please stay at least on the boards and come to chat when there are more people like for meetings maybe?

In the meantime, maybe some rules will be instituted or a moderator put into place? No idea as I am new as well.

HUGS Suzie....
Posted: 09 September 2014 - 11:58 AM
Suzie, I am so sorry you had that experience. Please post. There are plenty of good people here.
Posted: 08 September 2014 - 05:48 PM
I was looking around here and read some posts. I posted a note about me too. I found a chat room and went in to say hi and was treated rudely by 2 people talking. My puter was stuck and I could not type and didn't even know how to leave. they told me to leave and i could not get out of there fast enough. diane and till even said bad words to me. I was hoping to find nice people with the same hoarding problem like me but that didn't happen. I won't EVER come back to this awful place.
Posted: 08 September 2014 - 05:19 PM
I just found this board. I am at my wits end. I am a hoarder and I just see it now. I'm not sure what to say here. I will look around and see everything and I hope I can get some help. Thank you.
Posted: 04 August 2014 - 04:11 PM
Kristi, I too am an adult child of a hoarding parent and am at my witts end over what to do!!! my older brother lives with mom and he not only enables her, it seems he encourages. I don't know about you but I find it truly embarassing to see the house I grew up in has become quite simply... a disgusting junk pile. Have you found any resolution to your parents problem??? Is there any way to "get thru to them"???
I am new to this community and also the admission of my mothers problem, but it is COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL... and I am looking for answers!
I wish you Good luck with your parents situation!
Posted: 11 July 2014 - 09:57 AM
How very difficult for you...

I am new to this whole "help with hoarding" issue, so I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.
What came to mind is calling "adult protective services." They may be able to help.

Again, I don't know the scope or the ramifications of such a call. Just a thought.
Posted: 29 June 2014 - 12:38 PM
Thank you!

I have not given up yet. My husband was over there today in fact helping out more.

But for now, I think any major clean-up will come to a halt until we either have my dad's permission or the county officially condemns the place and they have no choice.

I just feel that continuing to make such drastic steps without his knowledge, and while he is unable to fight for his stuff, will turn out to be far worse in the end.

At this point we will make his trails and call it a day.

Thank you for helping me reach a decision.
Posted: 28 June 2014 - 08:47 PM
Hi Kristi :)

We can not change others, we can only change ourselves.
If they really do not want any help there really isn't anything you can do to help them.
You can walk away. You tried to help, they said no.
A good book to read is "Digging Out".
You may be able to help them later on. Some people finally will ask for help after illness or injury and they find the clutter & squalor is too much to live with any longer.
But if a hoarder does not want to change there is very little anybody can do.
Good luck & best wishes.
Posted: 28 June 2014 - 03:59 PM
I want to scream. I want to scream, at them. I want to torch their house. No. Wait. That would mean they would have to live with me. NOT going to happen! What do I do?

Where to start? They were great parents until I became my own person and made my own choices. One of these choices being to move out of county (2 hours away) and live with a boyfriend. I was 22. This I believe was the beginning of their hoarding, because their life up until that point centered around me, and then took a plunging dive into madness. They couldn't hold on to me, so they held onto everything else. When I moved back two years later I had to live in the living room because my room was full.

Shortly after I moved into my own house, got disowned for marrying outside my ethnic group. I pulled us back together for the sake of their 3 grandchildren. Moved again to another county (one hour away), various disagreements have come and gone. I have been disowned about 3 more times for not agreeing with their opinions. I try to limit my conversations with them to holidays and birthdays. I "love" them because it what the social norm says I should do, but I would be very happy to never see them again. They give me and my family nothing but drama and complain when we can't fulfill their lives. They have even threatened to disown my 16 year old daughter if she ever gets a tattoo. Their priorities are "on track" yes?

I have not been to their house in 10+ years and I am 46 now. Last Thursday my mom calls me to tell me that my dad, 68 years old, fell off the roof (about 20 ft) on Tuesday. She was only calling now because he was about to go into surgery to pin a crushed ankle, but right before he went in he had a heart attack. He recovered from the heart attack and received two stents. He is currently in a rehab facility where they are helping him recover from his broken back (2 places), 3 broken ribs and the ankle that finally got pinned on Sunday.

I went to their house. I saw noticeable sunlight coming into their bedroom from the hole in the ceiling. There is wall to wall shelving and boxes everywhere. I was there to help her "clear a trail" for his wheelchair when he finally gets released. There is an active drip in every room when it rains because there are so many holes in the roof. Each room either has heavy water stains or actual holes and falling sheet rock from the ceiling.

The neighbors have tried to help but they are frustrated as well because we work in that black mold and rat dropping infested house for hours and she comes home and starts pulling things out of the trash.

She continues to say how mad my dad is going to be, but then tells us thanks for cleaning. She cannot give us any other options and rejects any of ours. I shared my concerns with the neighbors that I am afraid what is going to happen is that he is going to be so mad he will try to get us arrested for theft or sue us for messing with his house. He is very vindictive and always looking for revenge against some slight. In fact, he told the neighbors that have been helping us that the ONLY reason he has not fixed the roof in over 25 years is because he and his other neighbor don't like each other and he wants to piss that neighbor off.

In short, with me discussing my dad's possible retaliation and the fact that my mother was at that moment pulling more boxes out of the trash pile was enough to make the neighbors say. "We're done. God bless. Best of luck."

My first thought was "Can I quit too?" My husband is more caring and forgiving than I am and wants to try to at least give them one dry room to sleep in, and clean up the kitchen and den area. My husband wants my parents to use their credit cards to purchase materials but we again get met with "Oh, Philip would not let me do that!" We don't have the money to buy the materials.

They made this mess. They really don't want me to clean it up judging by how many boxes came back inside from the trash pile. Do I stop? I just don't see how it will end well.
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