Yes Roxie,

My husband is very supportive, especially after his first hand experience with mom Saturday.
I really feel bad, I can only imagine what people think who do not know the history with her when they hear comments that are made.

I know and have tried to discuss the fact with mom about my brother and I having the responsibility of cleaning up her apartment and storage unti when something happens to her. Her respopnse was "so". She has no concern for what she has and will put us through.

One day at a time!!! :)

I have thought about the mess my brother and I will have to deal with when something happens to mom. We have also talked about it, I guess at this point we will just haev to deal with that when the time comes.

As for it being a quite week, I feel better this week, just not having the stress of dealing with her.

Looking forward to the weekend. My nephew's birthday party is this weekend and can't wait to see everyone, except mom. Because of her behavior, my sister-in-law refuses to allow her to participate. I do not blame her at all. No one can have a good time when she is around. We all just wait for her to make some kind of comment that is inappropriate. So, it is better that she is not there.

I am worried about my brother. I talked tohim yesterday and he was not himself. Not sure what is going through his head right now, but he is certainaly depressed about something.

I decided years ago, when I realized mom absolutely has a problem, I would not allow myself to be like her. Even when I am down, I refuse to let anyone know. Seems to help get past the problem at the time.

Thanks again for all your support. You guys are AWESOME!!!!

Just a quick update. Everythign has been quite for the past couple of days. Kinda scares me in a way. Trying not to worry about it. She is just going to have to figure this out on her own.

Have a great day!!! :-)

Good morning,

So, my husband and I went to my mom's Saturday and it did not go well as I suspected. I did have my phone set to record and recorded about 40 minutes of the conversation until I finally had to go outside to calm down some.

It was the same story, everything is every one else's fault, nothing is her fault. Her apartment is as bad if not worse than April 2012 when my brother went to help clen it up. He toilet is black, the couch, loveseat, chair, coffe table and everything else is piled high with stuff. There are pills, trash, food, etc on the floor. Roaches crawling around.

The last straw was when I said something to her about loosing her car becuase she does not have the money to make the payments, but she is not under any terms willing to give up her storage unit, which costs her more than half her car payment, she drew back to hit me. I told her the storage unit can not take her to the doctor, store or anywhere else She got mad, stood up and drew her fist back. Then my husband said, he works in the sun all day, doesn't get many Saturdays off and drove 2 hours to listen to her scream and yell. Her response was "I don't care." At some point, she also drew back to hit him twice.

I just can not do it anymore. SHe does not think she needs help. Everyone who tells her she needs help are the ones that need help according to her. I just do not see any point anymore.

I did try what the counselor suggested. I had sent mo a positive quote saying " We are not given a good life or bad life, we are given a life and it is up to us to make it good or bad" Well, she called and managed to twist it completely around and missed my point all together. She started ranting and raving, said that my brother nor I will sit down and listen to what she has to say. With that, I said I had to go and hung up. She did not call me back. However, after thinking a while, I called her back and told her, I will rearrange my plans I have for Saturday and go down there ( 2 hour drive) to listen to what she has to say. I am pretty sure how it will turn out, but at least she can not say I never listened to her. Plus, I want to see what kind of condition her apartment is in. I know she has inspection coming up within a week or two.

When I talked with her pastor he sounded like he was trying to make excuses for her and her behavior. I am not sure he is a good one to talk to. She is on the verge of having her car repoed, but she still has her storage unit full of stuff she obviously does not need or it would not be in storage. He said she "loves" these things. I understand that and I know it is part of the hoarding, but the storage unti is not going to take her to the doctor or to the grocery store. She has made it very clear, she will give up her car before she gives up the storage unit.

Good morning,

I went to the counselor yesterday. She said that based on what I told her it sounds like my mom is narcasistic, has histrionic personality disorder and egocentric. She also said that nothing has changed or helped her over the years and it is not likely to now.

Her pastor also called me and said she cracks him up and she has a good sense of humor. I can not rememeber the last time I seen mom smile or heard her laugh.

Anyways, the counselor said the best way to handle her for now, to save my sanity, is to only talk to her on my terms. If she starts yelling, screaming, whatever, for me to simply say I got to go and hang up.

I guess we will see how it goes.

Roxie and Dianne:

I can not thank you enough for your support. I am not suicidal, if I was ever going to be, it would have been when my boys died.

Hopefully, the counselor will give me some direction this afternoon that I can use to either try to help my mother or at least not allow her to get me so upset.

She is a very selfish, unhappy, angry person who needs serious help. Not only with the hoarding, but with depression and possibly bi-polar disorder.

I have been through much worse, I will get through this also. I refuse to let bad things get the best of me.

You guys are awesome!!!! :-)
Tammy

Roxie and Dianne:

I can not thank you enough for your support. I am not suicidal, if I was ever going to be, it would have been when my boys died.

Hopefully, the counselor will give me some direction this afternoon that I can use to either try to help my mother or at least not allow her to get me so upset.

She is a very selfish, unhappy, angry person who needs serious help. Not only with the hoarding, but with depression and possibly bi-polar disorder.

I have been through much worse, I will get through this also. I refuse to let bad things get the best of me.

You guys are awesome!!!! :-)
Tammy

I have to say that I am truly overwhelmed with the responses and support I have gotten from y'all. After dealing with her all week, by yesterday I was a basket case. I was having anxiety attacks and shaking I just felt like a time bomb getting ready to explode.

There is absolutely more to her illness than hoarding, I am just notsure what. Obviously, since I am not a doctor, I may never know. However, a cousin of mine suggested Schizophrenia. She does and says very hurtful things. Without going into a lot of detail, both of my biological boys commited suicide in 2001. She had the nerve to tell me Saturday that because of things my father allowed me to do when I was a kid, I need to think about where my boys are now. Their suicide was not my father's fault or her fault.

Hopefully I can make it until tomorrow to see the coounselr and listen to what she has to say.

Roxie, I will look at the website and video you have suggested.

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and support.

Roxie,

I truly believe she has always been somewhat of a haorder; however, as a child, my dad tried to keep the clutter and stuff to a minimum as best he could.

I just got off the phone with her a short time ago and she was ranting and raving. She said she is going to give up her family and everything.

I tried to call her yesterday oon my way to work to ask her exactly what she wanted from my brother and I. She did not answer and I did not leqave a message, I did not think it was that important. She called me 7 times in less than 10 minutes after I got to work.

This morning, she called twice and then texted me saying GOd is going to punish the 4 of us, me, my husband, brother and sister-in-law.

I do have an appointment Tuesday with a counsleor, I guess I will see what she has to say. Thank you for the encouragement!! :)

I have tried to limit and even have no contact with her. When I do, she just aggravates my brother that much more or she calls friends or anyone who will listen to her and most of the time, that person will end up calling me telling me that they are concerned for her.

She will not provide her doctor's information and she is not going to see or even talk to a mental health care provider or any one else who is going to tell her what she does not want to hear.

She complains she needs help, but if someone tries to offer help and it is not on her terms, she doesn't want it. FOr example, she does not have enough money to pay her bills, when I tell her for me to try to help her, I need to see what she has going out and coming in. She wants the money now, but she does not want me going to her apartment because it isn't clean and she knows I will fuss at her.

Hi Tammy :)
Sometimes all we can do is take care of ourselves.
Since she is an adult, even though she is not taking proper care of her life, there is not much you can do.
That's one reason why I am here at this website, because the hoarder in my life will not change.
We can only change ourselves.
Sometimes it is necessary to walk away.
I know you feel that you should be helping her but since she is refusing your help now is the time to think about you and your peace, health and happiness.
(((hugs)))

She will not go to a counselor. She is on mediation; however, I do not know what she is on or exactly what kind, everything is a big secret.

Trying to have any kind of adult conversation with her is almost impossible. We end up in a yelling match and I end up making sarcastic comments that do not help matters,but she is just so difficult. Everything wrong in her life is everyone else's fault except hers. She will not accept any responsibility for anything.


I have tried Department of Children and Families and all I got is a nasty phone call from my mother yelling and screaming.

To make matters worse, my brother is going through some depression issues right now, so that leaves me to try to take care of this basically alone.

I have decided I am going to go to a counselor myself to try and get some answers.

Thank you so much for the responses, it does help.

Tammy

Hi Tammy :)
Sorry to hear you are having this difficulty.
Sad to say, unfortunately the elderly very rarely ever change their ways.
I understand about the twisting of peoples words and you having to walk around on egg shells to try to keep from setting her off.
From what you have written it looks to me that she should not live alone any more.
Maybe one of those retirement housing buildings where there is staff to keep her in check?
Sorry that I don't really have any answers for you. :(
Best wishes, Tillie
(((HUGS)))

I am at the end of my rope with my mother and do not know where or how to get help for her. She complains that no one will help her, which is not true. I traveled over an hour to help her "clean" her kitchen cabinets that took all of 20 minutes. I ended up calling DCF as her apartment was unhealthy and unsafe. My brother, sister-in-law, members of the local police department and Sertoma club helped her in April of 2012 to help clean her apartment. I understand that it is now right back the way it was. She calls yelling and screaming that no one will help her and no one wants to be around her. No one can be around her for fear something will get said that she will twist around to her benefit not to mention not knowing when she will say something inappropriate. I could go on and on as I have been dealing with this for 50 years. She is getting worse and I just do not know what to do. Any suggestions, she is driving me crazy.