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Im quite desperate for help and wrote something but am reluctant to share because I poured my guts out into it and Im embarrassed to share...its my life at present as a result of trauma and my current hoarding. Its heavy.
For a long time having trouble finding good responsible medical help, narcissistic abuse informed counselling help, have thought i should lend myself to research. Would like to find a program where law is married to pychology, as I do need help and addressing things legally would be truly empowering for me, but no money...reaching out for help in nonconventional ways. Also would like to reclaim my voice and write a memoir.
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I will suspend my shame and fear and share the big long post I made as a plea for help after 10 years of seeking help and two years in a constant fear of losing my home repair grant and house...two years in a grieving state of isolated inability to take action. Ask and I will forward my media covered clip of my speech presentation on the topic.
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Here it is-( sorry you mght need a coffee break in between or maybe a sleep and pick up again following day lol😄
Hello.
Here is my big long posting that still doesnt share even half of what is and has been impacting me.
I completely need help. I've been in some fb clutter groups for 5 years and never used them, or rarely...only at the beginning. Why? Because I only own an iPad that is so cluttered and full that I sometimes have spent 40 minutes just trying to open and read an email while the page crashes over and over...or on fb where it happens the most...that I'm typing to share and typing for maybe near 15-20 min slowly with stopping to think and my two fingers and the page crashes and all is lost. I start over and do it over and same thing happens over and over. Plus I'm overwhelmed right now to the point I can't even read a book or journal or take a walk. I think my case may be extreme. I look at my house and beat myself up ..what is wrong with me, something is really wrong with me. I'm not sure I want suggestions...I could probably offer most of them myself...I just can't follow them. I used to be the person that HATED the word can't and didn't beleive in it. Now it is my mantra. I feel completely debilitated. I can hear you ask or suggest counselling. I've done that for years. I've taken a social work course and can offer counselling. I used to be a service provider, now I am a consumer. I've lost so much in my dreams and so much of my life. I cannot help myself in my house. I can help others but not myself, not as alone as I am, feel completely abandoned by family, by the person I love, by life...so much loss and grief. I met an older man whose house was vile with rat fecies...mine is clean clutter stuff everywhere making daily functioning very difficult. We agreed to help one another. I worked so hard for several weekends, not even stopping to eat. He bragged I worked like 6 men but then did not reciprocate...he was my first experience with a covert narcissist. Seems I need someone to help, all my life being a caretaker and having no one to care for in my life. I just can't seem to function in a void where I have no one that cares about me and no one to care for. Seems I need to do for someone or have someone there to guide, direct, encourage, motivate. I am going to lose my house and I still can't do it. I spend all my time grieving and reliving all the abuse from family, workplace and the man I loved so dearly. The things he did were so damaging I still dream about them. I am warm and kind and treat people very respectfully, don't swear and am ever so grateful when and if someone is the slightest way kind to me. When someone has in the past come, it has given me drive and energy, belief it is possible when seeing any progress and stops me from wasting time by distracting myself in every possible way ( making me wonder if I'm ADD) just to avoid my painful reality. It feels so good to have someone there to care what happens ( had zero visitors or phone calls except from the banks and agencies for over a year and half when ex worked out of town. My good friends all moved to larger cities. One left a couple voice mails during that time. I will share my story in a little bit, but first I will say, I don't have a lot of time before I lose my repair grant and my home, so I won't waste time and will give straight talk about what I want and need. I have no one in life and I need a friend, or many, a women's circle, to find my tribe, a sense of belonging. I distract myself from my house on Internet, so have avoided support groups here on fb, knowing it will enhance my odds f losing my house and keep me more time on Internet and less achieving practical goals...not that that happens. I am tech challenged and would love phone friends. Would feel more like real people, as I'm so isolated. I will give my email. I will give my phone number. My house is falling apart and I am impoverished. I already eat where homeless people eat. I was respected once and friends followed in my foot steps. 25 yrs ago making $22/hour, working part time, bought my house with no co-signer. Never thought my life would end up as it has. No I don't do any drugs, don't drink except maybe once every year and a half, and need to more, don't smoke, don't drink coffee. I've sought help with my home for 10 years in my small city and there is no help. Last fall the home repair grant lady ( yes I was approved for free repairs), said I was the longest person in the grant process. I've not spoke to her since and am afraid to contact her and hear her say it's been taken away or cancelled...no repairs can take place till the clutter is resolved. I've asked at every social service agency and at 9 churches. I've put myself in harms way asking at the men's shelter, hoping paroles may help, but have no money to pay as my father came to me when his house was being foreclosed on. I said I couldn't help and he said let bank have it then. I said it was mothers ( deceased when I was 15 and her 36) dream home, so he told me to pay it and I could have it but refused to cooperate, went on near year vacation, changed his mothers will but that backfired so moved back in after I paid $26000. Now living 10 years with no furnace, two years frozen pipes, leaking roof and terrified of losing my home repair grant, he will not give me a penny....so I continue to put myself in harms way asking for help with my clutter. I've tried travel work exchange site..one good one that I was elated over as my last chance and the place I'd get my help ( will tell you about that) others where people don't reply or reply they'll come after I put the work in so they can attain a visa. Last month I searched my house for nickels and dimes to pay my mortgage. I need my repair grant to repair my home and rent a room out to keep my house. I'm in debt with visa and went to insolvency lawyer who advised it would cost me too much to declare bankrupsy.! I am over mortgaged and my scapegoating family won't give ride when I broke my tail bone or arm or help with clutter, or let me shower when had no water or stay when Ontario Canada was advertised as coldest place in the world and I froze with my one heater living in one room of my house getting nothing done because my house was 6 degrees....so if I lose my house, I'll have nowhere to turn to live...and still will be paying my mortgage. ...then have to come up with rent. No I don't want money...just people to talk to to make me believe I can clear my house because I don't believe I can myself. Also, I advertised on every travel group and now on clutter groups...for a travel work exchange where the person works 5 hours a day and I provide food and accommodation ( standard in a travel work exchange). I live in Thunder Bay Ontario Canada and have profiles on travel exchange site HELPSTAY and HELPX if you wish to further look me up. What I'd like ideally is if someone can please come to stay with me and help me to sort, clear and yard sale clutter please. I have even taken speaker school and given a speech at city hall on this topic, hoping to initiate discuss, so programming and support can be made possible hopefully, but when that would happen will be of help for someone else but too late for me. Recently started sharing on Fb travel pages this post for a travel work exchange:> ~Ive been struggling after a workplace abuse and developed a heavily over cluttered home but have no support with it. I am considering a travel work exchange for a medium term stay ( as anything less will just add more work, overwhelm and take me from my task) offering food and accommodation (tent till home becomes more clear) in exchange for 5 hr encouraging respectful empathetic non judgemental assistance with clutter sorting, clearing, making yard sales. Seeing kind honest person organized person who will not smoke, drink or do drugs in my home and has references. I will have to select carefully a good match through a good communication process. I am a kind outdoors oriented person, educated, intuitive, discerning (who will not tolerate mistreatment, manipulative or disrespectful behavior). I would be happy to show you my city and do things in off time. I live in Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada.Thank you~> I have even taken speaker school and given a speach at city hall on this topic, hoping to initiate discuss, so programming and support can be made possible hopefully, but when that would happen will be of help for someone else but too late for me. I am a very honest, very kind and caring authentic person with good integrity. I am my family of origins scapegoat. I've led a life being abused my them and every relationship except one I've ever been in. I was assaulted on the job several times by coworkers in a predominantly male populated work environment. This made me vulnerable to the relationship I should've run from in the first week and made all my other abusive relationship appear as tea parties. I learned first hand things I never wanted to know about...malignant narcissism and sociopathy. I now hear his damaging self talk and feel I cannot do this, think I need to spend time outdoors and in nature to restore my energy and repair my nervous system from the stress of it all, but don't have that time.
my friends moved to larger cities. It is hard going out and seeing people with families and loved ones or hearing them speak of them, triggering and people cant relate to me. They cant fathom having no sense of love or belonging-no friends, siblings, parent, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins,(feel like I live in a vaccuume) ...no children...my greatest dream a family of my own and children (workplace abuse and narcissistic abuse from ex burned through child bearing years)...no grandchildren, none of these experiences, just feeling unloved by a family Id drop everything to help, who would see me penniless, homeless, starving, freezing...SO PAINFUL, and so much accumulated complicated grief, one couldnt possibly recover from....Im just watching my years go by and the abandonment and aloneness eats my insides like a cancer (need to stop thinking or saying that). Not having children my deepest sorrow...even contacted the university fund when I was working to start payments for my yet unborn/unconieived child to get a head start and secure its future, but they wouldnt allow it as I didnt yet have a child.
It is impossible to get in my front door and usually difficult to get in my back. My grass is three feet high. I've lost my computerized chip car keys and my passport. It is impossible to make meals in my kitchen so eating toast and cottage cheese and yogurt. I am very open and despite what I've been through I can be happy go lucky and light hearted, but when alone I'm so scared of all I've describe and cannot do it myself. If anyone is interested am message me I can send the link to my speech as well but don't want it shared outside of the support group please. If anyone who knows anyone who would like to travel here, and do a travel work exchange, please let me know. I will post in other groups as well. I am sincere and afraid and desperate for help...but will not accept mistreatment and will maintain my boundaries. Seeking someone like myself who is non judgemental, patient, compassionate, understanding, honest, respectful. I would be completely grateful for the company, conversation and any assistance. I am ashamed, honest, sincere, appreciative. Thank you
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ps. the feeling terrible emoji was an accident, but suitable. I was searching for terrified. The heart broken emoji is completely suitable as is depleted, defeated, learned hopelessness etc and of course unloved, abandoned, grieving, and ashamed. ALONE
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