Penny,

What a terrific update. It must feel great to have everything cleaned up. Congrats!

Thank you so much for your kindness and insight and your mutual excitement for new freedom and happiness. <3

Penny, that is FANTASTIC!!! Im so happy for you!!! Congratulations!!! Good for you!!! :D

I called my landlord today and was honest with her. I may have stretched the truth a bit just to drive my point home. Then again, not really if I'm being honest with myself. I was just informed a couple of hours ago they will pretty much be done tonight. My landlord assured me that they understood and that they are both appreciative that I took the time to be honest with them (and that I forked out the cash to have it cleaned.) I already feel so much better compared to my first post. I feel like today after that phone call and then checking in with the people doing the cleaning that I actually took a real breath for the first time in days. I'm working on being a success story and that means so much to me. Compared to the emotions and anxiety I've been dealing with for the past week, today I already feel like I'm in a better place. I'm just so glad I finally asked for help. It saved my life.

Penny, i can certainly understand being uncomfortable with those neighbors taking pics to send to the landlords. Feeling severe anxiety over that is absolutely justified! I think since it will be clean in just a few days, that if it were me, id probably put your private traumas out front as the reason. You could tell just enough to indicate it being understandable...maybe even exaggerate, since most so-called 'normal'people have no clue, and without going into your personal detail, let them know it was a major crisis that is now in a new phase of healing & is taken care of....or if you dont want to share your person crisis with them, which is absolutely understandable, just make something horrible up that youd be ok saying? I rarely lie, but in this situation i think i might?!!

Day one is done. The kitchen and bathroom are all bagged up. A huge dent was made in my bedroom. My downstairs neighbours took photos and texted them to my landlord. Landlord now insists on seeing the apartment on Tuesday. People I hired think we should have most if not all of it done by then. However, that whole thing has sent me on a spiral. I'm barely hanging on. I need sleep and a proper meal, but I'm too anxiety riddled to pretty much do either. I just keep telling myself the worst of it will be done tomorrow and despite what I think I will survive Tuesday and the landlord coming out. I just want this all to be over. I'm such a wreck and I just feel so
Broken and I feel like no one understands and that they are judging me and it just sucks. I can't wait for this to be over. 48 hours basically. Then no matter what happens with the landlord I'll be on the home stretch of this. I just want to feel OK. I'm so ashamed and scared and broken.

Hi Penny,

I hope all goes well today. I'm even a little jealous that you will have some help:) I understand your anxiety, but I hope you will feel much better when some of your stuff is gone!

Let us know!

Thank you for the words of excitement and encouragement. I'm so glad this process is starting. I can't wait to breathe freely again. They will be here sometime this morning and I didn't sleep a wink last night and since I've gotten up my anxiety has been so bad I'm shaking and can barely breathe.

Penny, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are on your way on a delightful new path! It will feel so wonderful to empty that trash out & have your space back! In many ways, it just being trash could make it much simpler to clean than having to struggle with decisions?! You are doing the right thing! It sounds like you had some difficult trauma and grieving, but you are entering a healing phase now? As far as the medication, if it doesnt seem to be helping you, that may be cuz you were experiencing real life situations that cause sorrow, rather than a chemical imbalance in your body that causes saddness? If it were me, i think id try going off the meds and see how a healthy diet and a wonderful clean living space feels, instead? All the best in your new adventure!!! :D

Recently I finally admitted that I needed help. I've been living in hell for almost four years now. After a mentally abusive relationship I went through a string of heavy losses that recently culminated with the loss of my best friend from college. It was actually the loss of her that made me seek help. I realized that life was too short and that I shouldn't have to live the way I have been.


Sever depression lead me to not care about anything. My apartment is piled high with trash. It's not collectables or anything. It's simply trash and everything else mixed in.

Tomorrow the company I have hired to help me out will be here first thing in the morning. My anxiety level on a sale of 1-10 is somewhere around 15. I'm worried what they will say and think. I'm worried what my neighbours will say and think, but also elated with the idea to finally have my apartment back.

Right now I just need words of encouragement or maybe someone to tell me about their process if they had a similar one. I just need to know everything is going to be OK, because I'm so ashamed and that shame has manifested as anxiety and torment. I'm seeking mental health help along with the process of cleaning. Does anyone have recommendations as to the type of help I should seek? I've been medicated for depression, but it obviously wasn't working very well.