Tam,
I am so happy you have your therapist to talk to and that man at the crisis center.

You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope this can be setteled very soon.

Take care and please keep in touch.

(((HUGS))), Tillie

I have stepped back from the situation and I can see it get worse daily. My sick, elderly father is a nervous wreck because he's trapped between keeping my mother happy and letting my sister freeload off them. I spoke with a man at the crisis center (doing a lot of that lately). He informed me that what she is doing is elderly abuse. He says I should bring in DHR to have her eveicted. He says she will probably be hospitailzed for mental evaluation and to address her medical issues and could possibly be placed in an adult group home. I've started the process this morning by contacting my father's doctor.I told them I will not be going back in the house until my sister is gone, even if that means my parents won't have me to do their bills, shopping, medicine etc. I am hoping they will contact DHR and they will step in so I can be a neutral party and still maintain a relationship with my parents. I've also started seeing my therapist again. BUT I suddenly realized talking to this very helpful crisis center man that I'm not the one who has the problem. I've carried the guilt for so long that i couldn't see that they're not normal and their family dynamic is sick.
Thanks to all you have listened and cared : )

So sorry Tam,

Step back from this situation. Take some nice deep cleansing breaths.

Remember that you tried to prevent this. Maybe others seeing what has transpired will give you the support you and your parents need.

I sure do hope you get a call back and that they can help. Go ahead and be a pest by calling again.

(((hugs))), Tillie

Wow it's already happenig. visited Sunday and there were roaches in the living room. My parents have been there 3 years and I've seen a roach.I've had to call crisis center and they referred me to council on aging but no one has returned my call. I really can't cope with the mess and now the holidays are here and everyone is going to see the mess. I'm depressed and afraid.

Thanks Tillie You're so awesome. I will take your advice and I do understand helping others helps my depression. Thanks again.

So sorry about all this Tam.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!
You have done everything possible to prevent this but your parents have allowed this to happen.
They knew how it would be.

Separate yourself as much as you can from the situation.
I know it is like standing by and helplessly watching a train wreck.
You have been a good daughter and done whatever you could for your parents.

About the anger, I have no suggestions as to how to get past that.
You have every right to be very angry but don't hold onto that because anger eats away at us from the inside.

Put all your energy into your own life. Do things that make you feel good.
Jog, run, go on hikes, picnic in the country, see a movie or play, volunteer to serve homeless people supper, volunteer to walk shelter dogs.

Concentrate on your own life.

(((hugs))) Tillie

My sister moved in over the weekend. There is barely room to walk in apartment and there is blood on the floors from untreated wounds on her feet (3 years untreated). I am so afraid the housekeeper will quit and the VA will withdraw my dad's home health care because she is a "live-in care taker." I refuse to go over there for any amount of time because I'm so angry about the situation (and the apartment reeks of urine). It took me a couple of years and lots of paperwork and just plain work to get her finances separated from my parents. I finally had their expences under control and have saved 2000 toward their final expences (they never bothered to take care of this). She's already added her tv to their cable and her internet to their phone. she never pays a bill on time. I sent all their bills back to their address because I refuse to be her bill paying service. How do I cope with the guilt...? and the anger?

Happy to listen to you any time. :)

Thanks so much Tillie. It really helps to talk to someone who understands. I hate to burden my friends with my crazy problem.

Sorry Tam :(

In that case the only thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Since your parents will allow her to move in there is nothing you can do to prevent the mess she will make.
Maybe something will change their decision some day and then you can help them.

It took my parent's home being turned into a dope house with all sorts of nasty people sneaking in at all hours of the night and stealing things to finally say "NO" to my sister.
They were always calling me asking "what can we do?" and I kept saying "don't let her live in your home!"

Take care (((hugs)))

I meant Tillie. sorry : )

Thanks Nellie. Gathering the family is not an option. my mother is the enabler and my dad will not say no to my mom. This is going to happen and it is going to be bad for myself and the caretakers. I just needed a sounding board. I need help knowing when to step out and when to try and help my parents.

So sorry about this situation.

You need to gather up all the family and friends and have an intervention with your parents.
At 53 your sister must face the consequences of her own actions.
Your parents must be helped to be strong and use "tough love" and keep her from moving in.

I had to do this with my own parents about my sister. She was not a messy or hoarder but she is a drug abuser and a whole lot more.

Wishing you all the best.

Sincerely, Tillie

Help! I am so stressed out it is beginning to affect all areas of my life.
My sister is 53 and lived with my parents until the last three years when they lost their home to forclosure. My sister's hoarding issues were a main cause of this. The house could not be shown by relators because no one was allowed in her portion of the house due to the filth. I was able to get them moved into government senoir housing were they have been for the last three years. During that time my sister moved to an apartment which she proceeded to trash. Everything she moved was piled in a pile on the floor and garbage was piled on top of that. She let her car get repossessed and went on welfare. She is now getting put out of her apartment and is moving back in with my parents under the guise of being a live-in caretaker. My parents are both wheelchair bound and very ill. as much as I'd like to think she will cook and clean for them, i know it will never happen. She won't even take out her own garbage and eats her food out of the can in front of the TV or computer. Her bathroom is unusable of at least very unsanitary and she has uncontrolled (no depends) bladder issues and is morbidly obese. I don't think I or anyone else will be able to will be able to visit my parents when this happens. My parents realize it will be a bad situation but dont want her to be homeless. I dont want her there because i already do all their shopping, bill paying and have arranged for a housekeeper and medical assistance. i have no intentions of doing these things for her bit since she has no transportation she will be eating what ever my parents buy (with exception of frequent pizza deliveries). I feel that my parents are once agian allowing her to be irresponsible and are prolonging the inevitable.I need advice and support from anyone who has been through similar situation.