Tammy, such a difficult situation, sorry you have to deal with this without your brothers help. Have you read "Digging out", the more you read about hoarding, the more you will understand. "Buried in Treasures" would be a great book for mom if she would read it. You seem to be a kind loving daughter, and I wish you the best.

After I spoke with the apartment manager this morning, I called my mom to ask her what was going on. At first she acted like noting was and said she was sitting on her fat behind watching TV. I told her I had received a phone call and asked her what she was doing about getting her apartment clean within 7 days. I told her that I did not call to argue with her, I called to try to help her from being homeless. I offered to go down in the morning and she said no. She said she knows what she has to do and she is going to put all of her books in her little storage room. I asked about the roaches and she didn't really say anything. I tried to tell her that the glue and paper from her books, magazines and newspapers attract roaches, she argued with me. She thinks I just want to control her.

I called my brother, his response was - if she is going to act like a child, he doesn't know what to tell her. So, I am right back where I started at and I don't think I will get much help from my brother.

Thank you for your words of encouragement Angel. I do have a call in to the apartment manager. I need to confirm from our conversation on Friday that regardless if she cleans her apartment or not, they are not going to renew her lease and if so, when does it expire. At least that will give me an idea as to the time frame we are facing. I also have other calls to make tomorrow, kinda hard to take care of some things on the weekends.

It doesn't help when some people, my husband, does not exactly understand. He thinks my brother should handle everything. I feel like it is my responsibility because, I am the oldest, my brother works and I do not, I at least have some sense as to where to at least attempt to get some kind of help.

I do not want to see my mom on the street, but it may very well come to that.

I will keep you updated.

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

I know it is hard to remove yourself emotionally(maybe impossible), although I know what personality type you are dealing with and you have to save yourself.

Call the people who will go in and handle her the way she needs. Report her to authorities that will not take any guff from her.

Sounds like she has violated your rights on more than one occasion in many ways, as well as is doing so with the apartment manager.

Call the city and report her, call social services, call the fire department OR let the apartment manager know that while you feel for him....there is not anything you can do.

You are right, she will not be receptive or respectful to anyone and it is not your job to smooth the way or support her in her ways.

Time to take a step back and look after you. I have a similar mother despite having clutter issues and sometimes wonder if that is why my body is chronically ill.

Take care of you, set some good boundaries, if you speak to apartment manager let them know you are unable to help get hher out while thinking there needs to be an alternative and maybe that you will even support them if she makes up stories and gets them in trouble.

Time for her to face her issues and not bully anyone anymore.

Especially you. Take really good care of yourself and try to stay detached while assiting whatever process comes along and helping those who are innocent to stay out of hot water. Including you! Sounds like she is good at making other people look bad and has you sucked right into feeling responsible for you.

You are not. Please keep us posted and do not let her treat you badly. If you end up having to speak, just be clear with boundaries about what you will/cannot do. Wish her well, although be there for the people who need you as you in fact may get the support you need from them.

Not going to be an easy next week or longer, although the time has come and she will need to be relocated someway or another. Whether to a senior facility or even hospital for awhile.

Also maybe call Cory from this wesbite if you think he might have ideas. Personally I think it is beyond that type of intervention adn it is time to let it run it's course as painful as it is going to be to stand by and know/watch.

You are not a match for her and she needs for others to be able to see how she really is....which means mamager pulls no stops and others will get involved.

xxo

Thank you Angel. I do intend on making more phone calls tomorrow to see what I kind of help I can find, but she has to be receptive to any offers and I don't think she will be because she never has in the past. I feel sorry for her apartment manager, she is scared of my mother as she has threatened her in the past. My mom will stop at nothing to get her way. She has even called a State Representative's office and the Governor's office in the past, not to get help, but to get the apartment manager to back off. I have explained over and over, she is only doing her job. I am very concerned if she does get evicted this time and something happens to her, I am going to feel guilty and wonder if there wasn't just one more thing I could have done. Thanks again!!

Sorry to hear you are going through this and your mother is so toxic for you.

She does not sound like she is making rational decisions, which maybe due to that could buy more time at that apartment.

I would report her again and let them deal with it. Do not let them put it back onto you....let it be their problem with solutions to come up with and advocate for her if they feel she is incapable.

You have to look after yourself. Get authorities involved and let them know about your health and lack of abilities, although express concern over her situation and future outcome without intervention ... as well as that she has 7 days to do what she is incapable and needs government assistance/involvement as you are unable. Maybe call the fire department or suggest to the apartment manager to get authorities involved now since you are not going to be able to be of any help.

I would not answer the phone from her or go over. Tell the social worker or whoever gets involved...however you can escalate it through the fastest channels that you would like to be kept informed, although due to your own health issues cannot have contact currently.

Maybe some of those ideas might help. Please let us know and again so sorry you are having to through this and have had to go through so much. Hope it goes as well as possible. Use your own discretion, although maybe some of those guidelines can help?

Hi,

I am desperate to try to get help for my mother. She is 72 years old and lives alone in government apartments for over 20 years.

This has been an ongoing battle for years. I received a call from her apartment manager yesterday who informed me that she has been instructed to give my mother a 7 day notice to cure and to advise her that her lease will not be renewed. Upon entering the apartment, the manager found standing water in the bathtub because the drain is clogged and my mother has not reported the problem. The apartment is infested with roaches even though pest control goes in once a month. Her bed has so much stuff on it that she can not sleep on it. Every time I have been in her apartment, there has been standing, dirty dishwater in the kitchen sink with dirty dishes. She has books, magazines, newspapers from the past several years and refuses to get rid of even though I have explained they attract roaches. There are so many garbage bags with clothes, rages, etc., and boxes just in the walkway to get through her front door, that you can barely get through. I am concerned about the health and safety hazard.

She thinks everyone is against her and she blames everything on my father, they have been divorced for 35+ years. She makes mean and hateful comments and never apologizes. She will call me, we end up in an argument and she calls the local police department and has them call me to tell me not to call her anymore.

I have had some very serious health issues this past year and am not able to make the hour and a half ride to her home and not make any progress.

I have called Department of Children and Families on two occasions. The first time, she run the case worker off, called me yelling, screaming and cussing like a sailor. Last night the case worker said that as long as she can take care of her self, eat, bathe, etc., the only thing they can do is offer her help, which she is not going to accept.

If she gets evicted, and she probably will this time, she will not be able to get housing assistance again. She had her car repossessed last week and is behind with her storage unit rent. Due to my health issues, I am not working and am not in the financial position to help her.

She is going to end up being evicted, with no place to go. I do not know what to do anymore. My brother and I have tried on multiple occasions to help her, but it does no good. My brother, sister-in-law, Sertoma Club and local police department helped clean her apartment in April 2012, now it is worse than it was before they cleaned it. There is a lot more to the story, but this pretty much is the jest of it.

Any suggestions? Ideas? Guidance? Help?
Thank you