Leave a post over in Daily Chat-What are you doing today to let us know how things are going for you.
The folks here will be glad to cheer with you for victories and offer encouragement for the big challenges.
Grace
Posted: 25 September 2014 - 12:21 PM
Thank you for the information. I guess I will just have to take a little at a time. I just wanted everything just to be "gone" but to do that it would cost a lot of money to get people in to do it. I guess I just have to weigh my options and choose which is the best and most economical.
bitsy
Posted: 24 September 2014 - 01:21 PM
a couple more suggestions... Auto Zone or other car parts places earth911.com for info for your area
Tillie
Posted: 24 September 2014 - 10:21 AM
Call around to places like the local dump or car maintenance shops and ask them where used motor oil can be off loaded in your area.
Grace
Posted: 24 September 2014 - 09:47 AM
He blames me for the destruction of the family not his hoarding or garbage. He told me that the family would be together if I wasnt around. He loves to be the victim. He poisons the kids to believe that too. I never talked bad about him. Now I have to physically dig myself out of his material chaos as well as the emotional chaos. He left so many containers of old motor oil that he had from changing his oil over 35 years. I have to get it out of the garage but what do I do with it?
Grace
Posted: 19 September 2014 - 11:39 AM
Thank you
Tatoulia
Posted: 19 September 2014 - 08:34 AM
Hi Grace,
I felt sad when I read "he chose his stuff over me". But guess what, you are choosing YOU over his stuff and I feel cheered up by that. We are here for you, through thick and thin. I take inspiration from all of the posters here. And the encouragement, support and forgiveness are priceless. Just let us know what you need. We are here.
Tatoulia
Dianne
Posted: 19 September 2014 - 05:25 AM
Grace, congratulations on getting the kitchen done!!! What a great start!
Karl
Posted: 19 September 2014 - 01:42 AM
I haven't read it myself, but the book "Digging Out" is supposed to be good for non-hoarders who have to put up with hoarding in other people. I don't know if it's still useful if the other party is no longer in the picture; maybe someone else can comment on that.
I'm not entirely sure what the situation is between you and him -- the circumstances under which he left, the likelihood of his trying to return, etc. Feel free to share if you're comfortable with talking about it.
Grace
Posted: 17 September 2014 - 09:32 PM
He saves EVERYTHING! I had a wood stove which he disconnected because he kept the ashes in bags to check if he could tell if I might have burned something valuable. He stored garbage in it instead. Half eaten lollipops.My kitchen garbage tied and hidden everywhere. All cereal boxes. Well, you get the point. If you can name it, he could save it. I am still finding hidden garbage.. I would be in big trouble if I through anything away, even my own stuff. I think it is worse than a prison camp. I really wanted to help him but he did not want it.. Now, some how I need to get a life.Maybe even become a person. I get motivated and hopeful when I read how you are all working together to get through this. It might seem a bit strange, I am not the hoarder but I am going through much of the same things that the one that is hoarding goes through.. I dont know but I know that we are here for each other. You guys are doing a fine job. Keep up the good work
Karl
Posted: 17 September 2014 - 03:32 PM
Grace, one common problem is that hoarders will have unsorted piles containing both junk and treasure -- e.g., there might be a huge stack of unopened mail, and 99% of it is utility bills that were paid online and can be safely discarded, but there's also one envelope containing a refund check. (Or car title, stock certificates, etc.)
How are you dealing with this? One strategy is to go through everything and make determine its value before discarding it; another is to just trash the whole thing, assuming that whatever might be there is less valuable than the time required to find it.
Grace
Posted: 17 September 2014 - 01:24 PM
Wow!! Hugs and hope all in the same place! I am blessed for sure. I just need to pick this place up and shake it so that it will be empty. He is not getting in here to see what I have cleared out .He hasnt started over. He cant even admit that he has a problem. kitchen done. well for now.. It is nice and clean! I wish I could just have an empty house. I think I wouldnt have anything but bar e bone walls..lol Thanks all
Grace
Posted: 17 September 2014 - 01:18 PM
Oh yes, You are quite accurate on not leaving his "stuff". It much more complex than that. He also takes all of our money and has storage units .shh it was a secret (from me) for many years. As long as he is completely surrounded by his stuff.(including garbage) he will be o.k. He made new friends (material)
LR2014
Posted: 17 September 2014 - 09:25 AM
In regard to that thought, Karl . . . while some hoarders feel the way you described, there are many (and I know some of them personally) who would love to leave their hoard behind. There are many hoarders who fantasize about having some disaster come (natural or otherwise) that would "zap away" their hoard. Some such people feel that if they just started with a clean, fresh home, they would keep it that way, and their lives would be OK. Some people have done just that . . . bought or rented a new place to live, left almost all their old stuff in the old building (to be dealt with "sometime"), and then started afresh in the new home with the (usually false) hope that now everything will be OK.
Of course, you and I know that the fallacy in that thinking is the fact that it's our habits, our obsessions, our thought processes, our difficulties in making decisions, our feelings (including fears) and many other such things that for many of us brought about the hoard in the first place. In other words, the problem is within us. As you know, if we simply move to a new place but we don't do things that help us change from within (such as therapy, such as taking positive advantage of the help we can get from one another in the group, such as going through the type of work we do when we work in the Buried in Treasures book, etc.), before we know it, we have yet another hoard.
Grace, I think Dianne has given some great suggestions here. Most importantly right now . . . many hugs to you. This seems like a double-whammy: having to deal with all his stuff and also having to deal with all the emotions you must be feeling. When I mentioned false hope above, I want to emphasize that I was talking about hoarders who think that a "geographical cure" (a move, for instance) will all by itself fix their hoarding problem. I was not applying the idea of "false hope" to your situation! Like Dianne said, getting this situation fixed (the hoard you've been left with) won't happen overnight, but there is lots of hope that things can and will get better. I'm so glad that you are here to share your struggles and your journey with us! Lots and lots and lots of hugs.
Karl
Posted: 16 September 2014 - 07:01 AM
Pardon the sidetrack, but I'm surprised -- if your husband was a hoarder, it seems out of character that he would leave the "stuff" behind. After all, you might throw out something that was important to him!
Dianne
Posted: 14 September 2014 - 10:03 AM
You're welcome Grace. :)
Hop over to The Daily Chat and go to threads What Are You Doing Today or Today is a New Day.
You'll get lots of good help and encouragement. :)
Grace
Posted: 13 September 2014 - 08:41 PM
Thank you soo much Dianne. I am encouraged by your sincere words. And you were correct with the first post. He chose his stuff over me for over 35 years. I was just out of high school when I married him. Ready for commitment and starting a family. I could never ever imagine what would become of my life. (or lack of). He recently left (and took all of the money)and left all the garbage! I am working really diligently to make a home that I always wanted. I have a lot of good stuff that I don't want. Maybe a yard sale. I tend to just want the house empty ..well , like yesterday. You all show me that you must be patient and it will happen. I think that I should be retiring but maybe in fact my life has just begun. Thanks again for taking the time . I really have never reached out before and I am glad that I found this group.
Dianne
Posted: 13 September 2014 - 06:23 PM
Hey Grace, me again.
I just reread your post about the throw away pile. At that time I thought you meant he was discarding your feelings while hanging on to his stuff. Now I see you mean he has actually left the home, discarding you in your marriage.
My husband discarded me in a very painful way 14 years ago. You're right, it hurts so badly and it is impossible to wrap your head around. Even more so when you have children.
You're going to need a lot of support in the near future. Do you have family members or friends who can be of some comfort?
Tat just started a new thread in the section called The Daily Chat. Her thread is called Today is a New Day and that seems like a wonderful place for you to begin each day. You can post there and get lots of good ideas and support from people here. I like the image I get when seeing that thread title ~ every day, every hour is a fresh start. An opportunity to let go of our pain and begin to rise from our ashes.
14 years ago no one could have convinced me of what I'm going to say to you ~ it does get better. It hurts something fierce but it does get better.
Dianne
Posted: 13 September 2014 - 06:03 PM
Hi Grace,
You say your husband left. Can you use this time to start doing a clean out? How old are your children? Can they help you?
You start by getting out real trash. Since your husband was the hoarder and he is gone there should be easy choices as to what is garbage. Get some plastic gloves and trash bags and fill some trash cans for street side pick up if you have that. Depending on your kids' ages you could plan a treat after whatever goal you set ~ maybe pizza or ice cream.
After that, focus on the basics. You need clean areas for food storage and prep and a place to eat meals. You need a clean bathroom. If clothes are overwhelming right now pick out a few outfits for each person and keep those clean. In time you can get rid of excess clothes.
Get the kids together and work out a plan for Daily, Bi-Weekly, Weekly and Monthly maintenance. Everybody should be helping in whatever small way they can. You can plan a Daily Project that deals with dejunking. It doesn't have to be major ~ 15 minutes is fine ~ and it doesn't have to be completed ~ a bit each day until that project is done. It just gets you in the habit of maintaining and chipping away at the other stuff at the same time.
As far as the heavy things do you have anyone who can help you move them? You might even be able to call an agency in your county, explain that you have been living in a hoarded situation but now that the hoarder is gone you are anxious to get things clear and need some help.
For motivation think of this ~ you are now free to change your situation with your husband gone (for however long that is). You have just received a HUGE blessing and opportunity! That is SO exciting! When the house is clean the kids can have friends over (good motivation for them) and life will be so much more manageable.
No doubt you have a lot of work ahead of you. But you have your kids and together you all can put together the life you dream about! I am so excited for you! :)
Grace
Posted: 13 September 2014 - 11:28 AM
Hi,I have been very overwhelmed by my life being married to a hoarder. First let me say, I am very proud of those of you who have recognized that you are a hoarder and want to get help. I am not judging you. Actually, you are the only ones that seem to understand my pain as well as your own. I suppose most of you do not want to continue on in a hoarding lifestyle. I am no different than you. Only I want my husband to get help but he lives in denial of what is going on. All of the frustrations and pain and sickness that you discuss are all the same ones that I feel being married to someone that hinders me and my kids from leading a healthy happy lifestyle. This is the only place I have found that I can express these feelings. It may seem as though we might be on opposite or conflicting sides but when ever you are married you become one. I care about his feelings but mine are disregarded. Now that he left, I am left with so much stuff(including garbage) I dont know where to begin. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated . Much of this stuff is also heavy and i have hurt myself trying to set us free. I would like to hear any ideas or motivation that you have to offer. Thank you all
