| child of a hoarder | Posted: 07 September 2012 - 07:32 PM |
I am 28 years old and my mother has been hoarding since about my 7th or 8th grade year. She keeps everything from papers to nick nacks even her medical supplies that she's supposed to be using. She moved into my grandmothers apartment and it didnt take long for that whole place to be a wreck. My house has 10 rooms including the bathrooms. All of them are full to the brim and are stacked taller than me (i'm 6'1") She has no desire to clean up even when i said spend an hour a day cleaning stuff or do 1 bag a day. She has done it once and never again. I've started cleaning some rooms and I get yelled at for it like I'm the one who shut down the house. I can't deal with this anymore and I'd love to move out but I'd need a better job and more money. I can't live like this anymore and we SHOULDN'T have to. what can i do to help her get the ball rolling because I am all done with waiting for her to do anything about it. it's just excuse after excuse like no one else has problems in the world but they still can get stuff done. | |
Replies (5)
| Dianne | Posted: 06 May 2014 - 10:31 AM |
God bless you, Rhoda! I love the way you phrased how you dealt with your in-laws ~ we kept loving on them and telling them how great they were doing and how proud we were of them for letting us help. That must have made them feel so safe, protected, valued, loved and cared for! I also loved how you say ~ Forgiveness is the key for the children of hoarders. I am blessed to have a husband who walks that out in a gentle and loving way. Truly, your examples of love, kindness and caring will inspire others! Even posting that has lifted my spirits and encourages me to offer that acceptance to everyone whose path I cross today. Thank you! | |
| Rhoda Gigstad | Posted: 05 May 2014 - 11:16 AM |
Thanks for sharing that Dianne! My husband and I just spent a day at his folks house. We have a large van and got two loads of recyclables out while distracting both his parents. It only made a dent in the piles of belongings, but we kept loving on them and telling them how great they were doing and how proud we were of them for letting us help. We were able to clear doorways and make paths through their house a little wider. We came away sad and praying for them. They are such sweet people with such a huge burden to overcome. It would be wrong to hate them even though they are in such deep denial of their own situation. Forgiveness is the key for the children of hoarders. I am blessed to have a husband who walks that out in a gentle and loving way. | |
| Dianne | Posted: 04 May 2014 - 11:16 AM |
You should not hate her because it only hurts you. I totally get why you hate her and you have a right to and you should hate her for awhile. You have a right to your feelings of rage, hatred, pain, betrayal, rejection, all of it. But after awhile you need to try and lay those burdens down little by little. How long is *awhile*? That might depend on your age and maturity level, how deep the feelings go and how open you are to getting help to deal with your feelings. It depends on when you are ready to *move on* (although I personally hate that phrase). You mentioned in a previous post about the choice hoarders make. You have a choice too, Bill. You can choose to let your mother continue to destroy your life, your head, your heart, your soul or you can choose to begin healing. If you choose to continue to hate for awhile that's ok too. No one can tell you when enough is enough. You'll know. | |
| Bill | Posted: 03 May 2014 - 09:21 PM |
You know, I'd like to get some advice on that "Don't hate your mom" thing. I'm also an adult child of a hoarder, and was forced to grow up in squalor. Worst of all, WORST OF ALL!!!, I had to listen to the lies about what my parent was "going to do" someday, and the stupid, horrible nonsense about why she was buying this, or needed that. Every lie was like a slap in the face that said, "My 37 plastic table clothes matter more than you." That might seem like a common, albeit emotional, reaction from a COH, but here's the thing. Those table clothes really DO matter more than me. That junk is what she really lives for. That junk is where she gets her peace, not her children. The fact that living in that filth gave us issues was not real high on her list of priorities. She just DID NOT CARE. Again, why should I not hate this person? | |
| Sheryl | Posted: 09 September 2012 - 12:33 PM |
As harsh as this may seem, the best I can offer you is to "move out" and the quicker the better. I realize finances to live on your own are frightening, but you can do this. You may need to work two jobs, many people do. College (dorm) is another option that gets you "out" and a higher-education while you sort out some issues, such as those that being a child of a hoarder may bring. I am the adult child of a hoarding parent and this is a family illness & situation. A situation where you really need to take care of you (very good care of you) and learn a new way of living, and looking at organization, time-management, and having fun. You can do this 🙂 Your mom has to want and be receptive to help before anyone can help her. Parents generally do not ask their kids (adult kids, included) for help. Although the decluttering and cleaning is very important, it is even more important that your mom address *why* she is hoarding; i.e., past trauma. Your mom is going to need counseling because real change comes from within. Once the inside junk is decluttered, the external clutter is a lot easier for her to remedy. This is not a quick process. Try to move out, don't "hate" your mom, visit with your mom (take her to lunch, the park), and get yourself some counseling. Counseling is a gift you give yourself, embrace it 🙂 While you mom needs support, so do you. There is a Sunday evening online support group (red box to your right, this page), and the start time varies by time-zone. Eastern Daylight Time is 8PM. Click on the main page: www.hoardingcleanup.com for the chat start time in the other time zones. The support group is private, use any username you wish; there are no passwords, no voice, no way to save the transcript. A safe place. | |