So many people call wanting to help a loved one that suffers from hoarding. They watch is their family member struggles with clutter and wonders how they can live like that. First, it is most important to remember, this really isn't about you. Does it affect you? Of course it does. It is difficult to sit back and watch someone we care so much about, living in what appears to be misery, frustration, anxiety and stress. But what is truly the best way to help them?

To help a hoarder, you must first learn everything you can about this disorder. Hoarding is a very complicated and comples disorder, typically with many layers to unravel. You can't solve an intricate math problem without going through each step, and changing the behavior of hoarding is no different. There are steps that need to be taken, and cleaning the home is unfortunately one of the last steps. If we jump straight to the cleanup, it is no different than taking a bottle from an alcoholic and thinking we fixed the problem. They are just going to get another bottle, and the hoarder will just fill their home again.

As the loved one, it is extremely important that you educate yourself on this disorder, and learn as much as possible about why people hoard, different types of hoarding behaviors, what treatments are available, and what needs to be put in place after the cleanup so the organized home can be maintained. Hoarding has a 97% recidivism rate, which means if we jump straight to the cleaning of the home, without any of the necessary components before, during and after the cleanup, they will certainly fail to change the behavior.

One important thing to remember is that hoarding doesn't become a huge issue overnight, and it is certainly not going to be fixed overnight. So what are the needed components to get the desired long term results? Here is a list of things needed.

1) Desire - If a hoarder has no desire to change, than they won't. We can clean a hoarders home 15 times, but if they are not engaged in the cleanup and embracing a new, clutter free life, than it will all be for nothing. Most loved ones get frustrated when I tell them this, but when you sit back and think about it, I am sure you will agree. Until a hoarders is ready to do the self work to change the behavior, everything else is simply pointless. Loved ones can literally stress themselves out worrying about the hoarder in their life, and for good reason. It is a dangerous way to live. But just realize you can cause issues with your own health and your own relationships carrying the huge stress around with you about your hoarder, and it will never produce any results or anything positive. Never give up on trying, but just be that supportive person your haorders knows they can come to when they are ready.

2) Therapy - Now that a hoarder has accepted help and is willing to work on the issue, the first step will be figuring out why the hoarding began in the first place. There are about 15 reasons that the vast majority of people begin to hoard. The most common is depression and/or post trauma. It will take a therapist, specifically a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, to unravel the layers to help the hoarder realize why they acquire and keep so much stuff. They will need to learn what their own personal triggers are, and how to detach meaning, worth, or sentiment to their items. They will also need to learn how to replace the void they are trying to fill with someting real. As comforting as "stuff" is, for most hoarders the abundance of so many items also causes stress. Cleaning a hoarders home without changing the behavior through therapy is the first mistake most family members make.

3) Support - It is important to remember that this will be a very traumatic experience for your loved one to go through so having support will be essential. Support should be well rounded and include family members that they can fully rely on. This means someone that understands the anxiety, fear and frustration which will come out when they let go of items from their home. Negative comments will only create more stress and the mood will shift to the point where the entire process breaks down. Exterior support outside of the family is also important. Non judgmental friends or even complete strangers can provide a great sense of support that feels genuine, and without the emotional baggage found in the dynamics of many families. On this website, you will find a free online hoarding support group that meets each Sunday night. I would highly recommend joining this group as it is a great way to not only get support, but to begin the important step of bringing socializing back into a hoarders life.

4) Bringing Back Passion - Most hoarders become very isolated and reclusive which not only causes, or worsens, depression. The hoarder has now lost most contact with friends and family members, and has no way to do what truly brings them passion and joy. Feeling important and needed can play another important role in the changing of behavior. Try to figure out what your loved one is missing out of life. Maybe they love to play an instrument, do crafts, or sew. Perhaps the biggest void comes from not having family over to visit. Whatever you can find that will bring true happiness and joy back into their lives, do it! When we provide our cleaning services for someone, we try to set up a room in their home where they can do something that brings the passion back into their lives. If they love to play music, we will stage a music room. If they love to sew, we will stage a sewing room. The goal is to not only provide the passion, but to allow them to do something to keep their hands and mind busy, rather than filling voids with "stuff". For grandparents, try to remind them how incredible it will be to have the family around their dinner table again on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Whatever you can think of will help, but do not skip this step. Finding a reason for them to be excited and motivated will help them while they struggle with letting go.

5) The Cleanup - It is always recommended to hire professionals to help you with the clean up process. I don't say this because it's what I do for a living, but rather beacuase of what I spoke of earlier. When family attempts to clean their loved ones home, too many emotions come out, typically resulting in fighting and frustration which will always result in a halted cleanup effort. My hiring professionals, we don't come with any emotion involved with the stuff or the people involved. We bring a neutral mindset, which can help a hoarder understand the truth about some of the decisions we are recommending. Outsiders also won't be slowed down by memories of items found. True hoarding experts understand the psychology involved in this huge undertaking. After 19 years of working alongside hoarders, we know what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. One wrong word can destroy the entire process! It is certainly recommended to at least get an estimate to see what the cost would be to hire outside, professional help.

6) Aftercare is Mandatory! - This is where 99% of people fail. They think that the house is cleaned so the problem is solved. Remember, we have now taken the bottle from the alcoholic, but they still want another drink! We must line up the appropriate aftercare to keep the process going. The hoarder still has work to on themselves, and may now be feeling a sense of loss. This is a huge change of lifestyle, and they may feel completely exposed with all the new found space. They may feel an immediate need to go purchase something to temporarily squash the negative feelings they have. It is extremely important that the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy continues, as well as the support. They will be feeling very alone so keeping them involved as much as possible with activities and social interactions. It is recommended that a regular housekeeper is hired at least for the first several months. Whomever you hire for the housekeeping, make sure you let them know about the previous condition of the home, and the hoarding tendencies for their new client. Give them your phone number and tell you to call them if they are turned away, fired, or if they start to see any clutter returning. This alone will stop the probem before it gets out of hand again. It is also recommended that a professional organizer is hired for at least a few visists. A professional orgnizer can help your loved one build systems and tools to keep the house organized. If you put these things in place, your hoarder will have the best chance to succeed!

Recap on Needed Aftercare:
1) CBT Therapy
2) Support
3) Housekeeping (with emergency phone number)
4) Professional Oranizer

Afte the cleanup, your loved one may also need:
1) Home Repairs/Restoration Work
2) Social Activities - Isolation Causes Depression!
3) Meals/Transportation
 

Follow these steps, and you will have the greatest chance at changing the life of your loved one. Please remember as much as you want to help, sometimes you just can't. As soon as they are ready, you now have a template to follow with the needed steps to make the most change. Best of luck to you!

Cory Chalmers
Host of A&E's "Hoarder"
President/CEO Steri-Clean Inc.
www.HOARDERS.com

Resources:

www.HoardNoMore.org/Hoarders
www.HOARDERS.com
www.HoardingCleanup.com