Hoarded Childhood Memories and Habits Now as an Adult
Posted: 13 May 2021 - 04:12 AM
I am so happy your husband is going to go to counseling with you! That is a huge step!
Posted: 12 May 2021 - 12:10 AM
I don't check these boards often. thank you for your replies, Judith and Taloula. My husband is going to get counseling with me. I am finding resources like Jennifer Hanzlick videos on YouTube helpful. She gives speeches on treating hoarders with respect and dignity. Also, I am starting to read "Buried in Treasures". On a channel called "Wellbeing Thunderstorm", a man named Sam Wilcke (something like that) talks about helping his mom with hoarding, and what to say and not say. I should check these boards more often, and maybe I could get more advice.
Posted: 05 May 2021 - 10:39 PM
Marie, I am 50, and I grew up in a hoarder home. I've struggled with housekeeping and even hygiene for years. Didn't do a great job teaching my kids even though I tried. One of them has a hoarder bedroom, another one is close to it. Another one was a huge hoarder when she lived with me but I think even though she still has an issue with it she doesn't have the type of space where she lives now for it for it to get to bad.
I have a sister who is a really bad hoarder. I have another sister who ended up being a neat freak.
I thought the house was just badly cluttered and dirty, and didn't realize you it's an a two or three level hoard.
We grew up pretty poor and I have a huge family. You sound like you may be a little messy but man, I wish I was more like you. I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand what a struggle this is.
Have you thought of asking him to do couples counseling with you? Maybe it could help him understand better and perhaps help you figure out how you can get things messier without a struggle.
Posted: 25 April 2021 - 11:01 PM
Marie! I love that name! I had a grandmother with that name.
So I think there's a couple of things going on. I think that if you can get your brain to start putting things away, you'll be happier. One thing I noticed when I first started cleaning out my house was that my kitchen cabinets were almost useless. I had so much in each of them, countless sets of dishes etc. and it would be tough to put things away because there was so much stuff also, sometimes just to grab something, I'd have to move something else first. So i got rid of the things that I'd have to move. If every time I need a coffee cup, for example, I have to move the never used sugar bowl... I got rid of the sugar bowl. I also drastically reduced the amount of dishes I own. That sort of thing. I believe if you can access things easily, you'll be apt to put things away. I've noticed recently that a lot of times I do things halfway. Like I'm unpacking groceries and instead of putting the toothpaste in the linen closet, instead I put it in the hallway. I've stopped that. I consciously think, why make the job twice as hard. I'm essentially handling one item twice. I'm making my life twice as hard.
What are your thoughts? These are just my musings to start a discussion?
Glad you are here! Sorry I missed your post earlier!
Posted: 25 April 2021 - 11:13 AM
Tatoulia, Two weeks ago, you replied to my Hoarded a childhood Memories post under Daily Chat. Thanks for your reply. I responded a week later, sorry I took so long. I appreciate your sympathy. I don't think you saw my reply. Just wanted you to see it, and know I appreciate you responding to my post. (From now on on message boards, I am going to call myself "Marie".). Thanks, Tatoulia. (Hope I spelled ur name right.)
Posted: 18 April 2021 - 04:45 PM
Thanks for your reply, Tatoulia. Sorry it took me a week to write back. It is nice for someone to try to understand.
To answer a few of your questions, I think I have more stuff than some of my friends, and I know I struggle more than them to keep the house clean. I mainly have the bad habit of not putting stuff away right after I am done using it. My husband has to tell me something needs to be cleaned like the bathroom or my side of the bedroom before I take initiative to clean it without me asking. I think being in a messy environment actually makes me feel psychologically comfortable, because my brain is not bothered by objects out on counters or table tops. I figure if I will use the object the next day, why put it away?
But all the floorspace of my house is clear to always sweep and vacuum when needed. My bad habit is to take off clothes and keep them on floor instead of putting them in hamper. After a few days, my side of the bed has a pile of clothes and stuff to put away, but that only takes like 5 minutes to put it way. I just don't keep up with it every day.
Anyway, I would call myself messy and disorganized, but I am definately not a hoarder like my mom with boxes and clothes stacked to the ceiling with only pathways to walk, and constantly having dirty dishes in the sink for days and days in a row.
I am going to get counseling/therapy soon for my issues of growing up as a child/youth in a hoarded home. It still haunts me, and after thinking it wasn't that big of a deal after marrying and "cleaning up my act", I now realize that I have been deeply affected by my past. My past bad habits I learned still deeply affect my habits and mindset concerning cleaning and organization today. I want to get better to help my marriage. I also wish I could talk more with my mom about her hoarding and get her help. Either today or tuesday, I am gonna check out the live chat. Dont know if you participate in that.
(I am changing my posting name to "Marie"...maybe you will be the only one to notice. Don't want to be known as "Wendy" I guess.
Posted: 13 April 2021 - 10:30 PM
I am so sorry that you grew up like that. I am so sorry.
Second, I am not sure who here grew up like that. We used to have a robust group over on What Are You Doing Today where people who were/are hoarders, people who have lived with hoarders, etc gathered. We are still there and hope you feel free to join us. Right now it's active but on a slower pace.
I used to take care of someone who was a trash hoarder and I do have to say it felt pretty satisfying to me to just go over and start throwing out the trash! And he didn't mind at all, so I was lucky in that fashion.
I grew up in a clean house but found myself hoarding due to having moved every year as a child. Each year so much would break or get left behind, that things started to be treasure when they weren't. I also met my house get pretty filthy.
I have now cleaned out a lot of things-still a work in progress but getting there-and I have cleaners come every other week. This way my house is swept and mopped and vacuumed and dusted for me. Kitchen, bathroom, etc. I know I am fortunate to be able to afford this. My cleaners have done during the pandemic, too. I told them that if they are sick I'll still pay them-this Wayne I figured that they wouldn't push it and still come here.
Do you find that you are hanging on to too much stuff? Can you compare with your friends' level of stuff (not your mom's level)? I am thrilled you do the dishes twice a day and that you wipe down the counters. Do you have time to vacuum and mop or is there an issue with stuff that keeps you from being able to do so easily?
Just asking these questions so I can get to know you a bit better!
Glad you are here and you are welcome here and on our What Are You Doing Today board! We will get through this together.
Posted: 13 April 2021 - 05:16 PM
Hi. My name is Wendy. I am 47, and a survivor of a hoarded childhood.
I came from a horribly hoarded childhood, Mother being a hoarder. Dad didn't try to stop her hoarding. Got so bad in pre-teen and teen years that CPS would have taken me and sister away from parents if they had found out.
At first, as a child, the house was clean. Then when Mom went to work full time, (and I think she went through a trauma), then the house started to fall apart. Mom didn't teach me and my sister to do basic chores like do dishes after dinner, clean our rooms and the bathroom...so we didn't take it upon ourselves to clean house at ages 10 and 14.
After a few years, there was piles of dirty laundry, trash, filthy counter tops with no space to put things. House over come with cockroaches and mice. We lived in filth, despite my mom and dad being highly educated with masters degrees. Otherwise mom and dad were loving and caring parents.
I write this in search of others who grew up in a hoarded home as children. Now I am 47, married, and while I am not a hoarder, I am disorganized and HATE house cleaning. I feel proud of myself for doing the dishes once or twice a day and keeping the kitchen counter clean. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF when I do a little house work, but then my husband thinks the house is a mess. According to my low standards of where I came from, my house I live in now LOOKS GREAT! Is not a hoarded house at all, but my husband came from a very clean upbringing. This causes trouble in my marriage, because I never formed good house cleaning habits. My hoarded childhood is haunting my marriage and causes relationship problems with hubby, because I'm not a great housekeeper.
Who of you out there grew up in a hoarded home, and now struggle with living a "normal" life, keeping home clean?
This is not to even mention that my 72 year old mom is STILL a horrible hoarder. She owns one abandoned totally hoarded house full of boxes, dirty clothes, roaches and mice and crap, literally. She bought a new house and is on her way to hoarding that one up, too. Sister and I are wanting the childhood home that's hoarded to get cleaned up before mother dies, but that seems so overwhelming.
Sorry such a long post. It's hard to know where to start. I just found this forum, and hope I can connect with people who know how I feel.