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Hoarding Help Message Boards : The Daily Chat : Broken-hearted - My husband said the "D" word!!!
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Broken-hearted - My husband said the "D" word!!!

Posted: 02 August 2018 - 02:56 PM
Hello, Mary, and welcome!

Sorry for what you are living now.

It surprises me that you have been so many years in therapy. I wonder if your therapy is really working for you?

Currently, form investigation and studies, OCD and hoarding are considered two separated entities, hoarding is no longer viewed as a sub-type of OCD, but as a related disorder instead. Also, conventional therapy for OCD usually doesn't work as well for hoarding, it needs a different approach.

A book recomended for people like us is Buried in Treasures, written by specialists on the subject. It also have some suggestions for loved ones who try to help. I hope it is useful for you.

Hugs and best wishes.
Posted: 08 July 2018 - 10:57 AM
Hi Porter :)

It was such a pleasure to follow along with your journey through decluttering.
We all wish you nothing but happiness and contentment from here on.
Posted: 08 July 2018 - 12:57 AM
You got two houses?

Ok. , one house is clutter free that you and hubby live in, and the other is clutter heaven!

This comes down to budget, and or emotional attachment.

Best thing in my opinion, although I just don't have enough information to give a valid opinion.

Hire a third party to take all the stuff to a nearby storage.

Professionally sort and organize so you decide a later when to let things go.

In this way. You remove the stress of losing your companion.

Then hire a therapist that is will to help you let go of items.

Sort out what you are not emotionally attached to.
Sort out what is of great value.

Then organize small things from large things.

It all depends on what your hoarding. But my big assumption and wild guess is your husband is having a capacity issue!

So let me invite you to a positive outcome.

Husband gets to have 100% control over the house you live in.

You 100% control over the storage and other house.

Of course you may need counsel or therapeutic help on you areas of control , but you're husband may be much more supportive and helpful. Especially getting the large and valuable things sold off.
Then it's just a matter of going piece by piece on your own in your own time and space.

So my questions for you are...
What's your budget?

If you have a large budget are you willing to give up control and hire outside help to purge the house you live in with your husband? If he buys all new furniture?

My personal experience was dramatic , once I went minimalist in the dinning room . With only the dinning room table.
People came back into our lives.

Then I purged and cleaned the bathroom , and kitchen.
More help was offered to help with other areas.

Then each person in the house , targeted for complete purge, but newer furnishings that fit the space. Clutter was in nearby storage in organized totes. Room by room was reclaimed as living space.

The reality outcome was different due to illness.
I lost my family , but it wasn't due to the purging. It was due to illness, I still see it as I brought many more people into the home to help , because I purged the clutter. Help my wife with her illnesses I mean. So I don't want to say it was fairytale ending.
But I've begun a third marriage that is like fairytale.
And there is no hoarding , and we hired a maid.

It didn't happen overnight, the entire story started 3 years ago.

I can hardly believe I'm totally Clutter free. I do still have items/hoard I'm emotionally attached too that keep in a small storage space. But my third wife Marcie and I live in a beautiful home now filled with things we both love.

Thing is I never was able to do on my own.
It's when I asked for help, and when I didn't get it, it did what was asking myself in ASAP fashion.

So my house went like this.
Clutter 2-3 feet deep over the entire house , just paths between rooms.

I cleared the entire entry/living room.
Then the bathroom
Then the kitchen.

This allowed other people in to help .
They could take a sit down break in the living room.
They could feel comfortable using the bathroom.
They could feel comfortable and safe in the kitchen.

Then 1 by 1 the common rooms downstairs.
Then 1 by 1 each persons bed room and closets into storage just for them.

I threw a chili party the day before the Super Bowl , my wife's illness brought in lots of volunteers and we totally removed everything room by room like an army. And then later in the day , another group of volunteers removed carpets, painted walls, like it was complete fresh start.

I just saying. , I had to admit to myself, I couldn't do it alone, and I still can't. But once I let the pros in and hire hire a maid to maintain it at 100% peak. I never been happier in my life.

Then I got really luckier even still when I met Marcie. She was a was even worse hoarder than we were. But I had a plan and took a chance!

I definitely kept a small journal of about ten pages worth of where or what I was feeling overwhelmed with, and hired other to deal with those overwhelming tasks so I could keep moving forward.
Posted: 03 July 2018 - 02:26 PM
Mary, I am so sorry. How can we help you?

Do you want specific practical suggestions?

Have you talked to your therapist about this?
Have you tried "zones" in the house?
Can you afford storage? (Might be cheaper than divorce)
Have you seen a therapist together?
Are you tied to a job, or could you go spend an extended time at the house you are cleaning out?
Is there someone (other than your dh) who could go with you to help and keep you on track?
Posted: 03 July 2018 - 01:10 PM
Hello, all! My name is Mary S. and I'm an OCD hoarder. My husband, whom I love dearly, is at the end of his rope. My clutter is driving him crazy. We've had a good-to-great marriage for almost 20 year. He knew I had a problem with stuff when he married me. I've been in therapy for more than 25 years for anxiety/depression and OCD hoarding. We were managing all right until my dear mother died and I started cleaning up her house for sale. My parents were Great Depression babies, and my mother was a hoarder, too! I have been trying so hard for the last two years to get her house ready for sale. (Doesn't help that it's in another city about a 6-hour drive away) My husband has been so helpful and understanding thru the cleanout process, but he's got no more patience left. Usually we don't fight, but when we do, it's about clutter. We got into a bad fight two days ago, and he said that the path we were on would lead to divorce.
We love each other and don't want to split up. We've both been crying and begging each other not to leave or kick the other one out.
I'm devastated. There's no worse feeling than trying your absolute best to do something and knowing that it's not good enough.
Hoarding Help Message Boards : The Daily Chat : Broken-hearted - My husband said the "D" word!!!

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